Roommates: Am I crazy, or are they?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I just had a long overdue discussion with my roommates about something relatively innocuous that turned into one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. It ended with me sobbing.</p>

<p>This morning my two roommates were talking at an unnecessarily high volume, so I stepped out of my room and asked them if they would keep it down because I was still trying to sleep. It was already 9 a.m. at that point, but I hadn't been able to sleep during most of the night because the rain was particularly loud against my window and my fan couldn't drown it out completely.</p>

<p>One of my roommates responded, "Actually, it's already 9, so we're going to make some noise." They then proceeded to talk at exactly the same volume, even turning on music and clonking through the hallway by my bedroom door in boots. Their response made so little sense to me that I couldn't sleep after that. I spent the next few minutes just lying in bed staring at the ceiling, trying to understand how they could be so unkind after I'd shared a third of my dinner with each of them because they like my cooking.</p>

<p>I decided it was time for them to respect me as a roommate and a friend, and I told them we needed to talk tonight. I later changed my mind because I was still feeling emotional about other things and wanted to postpone the talk, but they pressured me into doing it anyway because they wanted to get it over with. I started by bringing up a recent incident where they filled up half a kitchen counter with their unwashed cups for nearly a week. I finally got fed up with it and put them all in the sink, and they got short with me for it, saying all the dishes would attract bugs. I responded that 1) That was impossible, because almost all of them were completely empty and just needed a quick rinse, and 2) That they should just wash them if they were so concerned.</p>

<p>They still asserted that I was wrong to put them in the sink because they wouldn't be able to use the garbage disposal. Again, I responded, "Then do your dishes." They tried to tell me that some of the dishes were mine, but I know for a fact that they weren't, because I wash my dishes immediately after using them to prevent them from backing up and becoming a huge amount of work. I suggested they do the same, and they said they were too busy, which seems absurd to me since it never takes more than about two minutes, even if I have several pans to wash from cooking. </p>

<p>Anyway, I finally said that it wasn't really about the dishes or cleanliness anyway. It was the fact that they refused to show me the same courtesy that I show them when I stay on top of my dishes and keep my stuff out of common areas. Since they kept repeating that they were too busy to do a good job of this, I asked one thing of them. To simply stop leaving cereal bowls still full of milk and cereal on the kitchen table. I explained that it was demoralizing, especially after I'd spent hours during my fall break cleaning the apartment while they were on a trip. They told me that if I cared about it so much, I should just clean it myself, which made me want to scream.</p>

<p>Finally, I asked them if, in the future, they could just turn down the volume a bit when I ask them to (they also both tend shriek/scream excitedly, and I ignore it in the day, but it's freaking annoying when I know our neighbors can hear them at night). They said that, instead, I should change my sleep pattern or wear ear plugs to bed. This floored me. I explained to them that I used ear plugs all the time with previous roommates, and I hated it because it caused bruising inside my ears at the time (I used the most comfortable brand I can afford, Hearos). They told me to get different ear plugs. I tried to explain that it made no sense for me to go to all these lengths to keep from being annoyed by them when they could just modify their behavior, but they told me I was trying to change them and they wouldn't do it.</p>

<p>It was at this point that I started crying, because they kept reinforcing each other until I felt like I was being ganged up on by a single person (they've been friends since childhood, and we all just met each other in May, so I'm the outsider). They tried to tell me that they had more experience living with roommates than I did and I should just come to expect this (not the case), and that if I have a problem I should just keep it to myself because they're not going to change anything. They actually convinced me for a moment that I was wrong, that I never should have brought these things up and that I'm a crazy, illogical stickler. </p>

<p>The last thing I tried was asking if there was anything I could do to make it easier to live with me, hoping I could maybe exemplify what I want from them, and they told me there was nothing. Get this: They told me that they have never once been annoyed with ANYTHING I do. Are they insane? Am I insane? Are they just trying to make me feel awful for asking them to do two things? Another thing they said is that they wouldn't give in to these two requests because I'd just have more later. Uh, what? I give in to their little requests all the time because it doesn't seem worth arguing about and it's important to them.</p>

<p>So I need someone impartial to tell me what I'm doing wrong here, because all I can see is two impossible, self-centered, condescending people when I look at my roommates. How is their position justifiable? I actually feel as if I might be insane, because to them their views seem completely rational and I'm the overly emotional nutcase who places undue importance on stupid things.</p>

2

<p>They’re full of it and you should move out (assuming that’s an option i.e. you live in campus housing or can find someone to sublet from you).</p>

3

<p>You sound like you are having the exact same experience that my daughter had last year. She was in a suite, in a triple, but seven girls all together in the suite and all of them were slobs. Her suite was known as the filthy place. There were always dirty dishes, full of food, all over the place. DD did her own dishes and almost always had to wash everyone else’s too. They wouldn’t and it was disgusting. If DD wanted to cook something, she first would have to wash something like two day old macaroni and cheese out of the pot first. Turned her stomach.
And DD mostly used paper plates and cups. But the sink would get so overrun, she couldn’t fill the water pitcher. So she would do all the washing. It was pathetic. </p>

<p>Their livingroom was always so covered with crap there was never a spot to sit down. </p>

<p>And the roommates were not considerate about noise, even when she had migraines and needed to sleep them off. They would have people over, play music, whatever. Would not turn it down.</p>

<p>I did buy her Sleep Phones, which are like earbuds but in a soft headband so they are comfortable and drown out the noise and she said they were a lifesaver. You can find them online. She also tried to nap during the day when they were in class but she had free time. I used to tell her, whatever doesn’t kill her will make her stronger.</p>

<p>It was a very, very difficult year. She used to call me up, crying, all the time. They were so frustrating. There was no way to change rooms. But she made it through, picked better people to room with this year, and it having a much better year. </p>

<p>If you can’t move out, you are going to have to just deal with it. You are already about halfway through. You can do it. But- start looking around for better roommates for next year.</p>

4

<p>Honestly, at 9 am, you can’t really expect people to tip toe around while you sleep in. I did that for a roommate for a while and it was a pain. </p>

<p>The dishes thing is annoying. It takes up space and attracts bugs. It’s not something worth fighting or moving over. Clean your messes, stop cooking for them and if a problem persists, don’t talk to them together so you don’t get tag teamed.</p>

5

<p>^ If I am trying to sleep, then I expect the same sort of courtesy that someone else would expect at any other time of day/night. Just because they have different sleep patterns does not make one’s sleep pattern more deserving of common courtesy than the other.</p>

6

<p>

While that may be true, they are completely out of line purposefully turning on music just to annoy her.</p>

<p>OP - your roommates are nuts. Get out as soon as you can.</p>

<p>In the mean time, stop being generous with them. Don’t share food with them.</p>

<p>Heh… do you own the kitchen stuff? If I were you and they refused to stop being so disgusting, I’d remove my bowls/plates/pots/pans/whatever from the kitchen, and not let them use it. But I’ve never had roommates as rude as yours (and I’ve had some pretty crazy roommates…).
I really don’t get where these loonies come from - did their parents let them do that? 'Cause my mother would have skinned me alive if I was as disrespectful about sharing living space as they seem to be.</p>

7

<p>Oh, it’s pretty low down to turn up things really loud to annoy a sleeping roommate, I still think this isn’t worth switching rooms.
At 9 am, it’s pretty ridiculous to expect people to act like it’s 2 am just because you’re sleeping in. If you’re sick, sure.
Maybe you should wait for a little whole before bringing up the issue again about dishes buy just talk to them separately. Don’t cry to them about it just talk to them one at a time. If it is your dishes they’re using, put them away so they can only be used by you.</p>

8

<p>ladeeda - I think we’re on the same page… essentially.

If she’s in an apartment, my “get out as soon as you can” comment was more of a “don’t renew the lease whenever it comes up, and find a new place without them.”</p>

<p>Also, the 9am is quite subjective for different people. It’s not uncommon for me to be in a computer lab until 1 or 2 am. And I don’t have classes until past noon on some days, so I treasure sleeping in. While I don’t think the OP’s roommates should be tiptoeing by any means, common courtesy goes a long way. They’re apparently shrieking, which is just obnoxious.</p>

9

<p>They may not be nuts, but they definitely are inconsiderate. And not people that will be in your life long term. </p>

<p>I would recommend that you consider some sound deadening earphones just to help you get through the rest of the semester. Then find alternate accomodations. </p>

<p>Sorry you are going through this.</p>

10

<p>The idea of these people shrieking and carrying on and expecting you to acquiesce to them is infuriating to me. The OP’s right to sleep at whatever the hell time she wants overwrites their right to carry on like monkey ■■■■■■■, and 9am is definitely not too late for college students who are fighting a late night and hangover. I know for a fact that with some people, that’s a good way to end up missing some teeth, 4pm or not.</p>

<p>It’s obvious that they don’t respect you and have no empathy. Tears are just going to make them worse. You need to start standing up for yourself. If you leave, they’ll win and feel like they can bully people around. Don’t be afraid to raise your voice or call them out as trailer trash; They deserve it at this point. If they don’t respond to that, I recommend anonymously calling housing or the university police for a noise disturbance. See how they respond and how effective it is. If it’s effective, good. If not, that means you can get away with it just as easily. I also suggest you take pictures of the filth as often as you can. Document it the best you can. Most of the time, housing won’t tolerate insanitary conditions in their units because it attracts pests and ruins the unit. </p>

<p>If nothing happens with the noise complaint, blast your own music to counteract theirs. If it’s loud enough, they’ll probably just leave the room. Even if it’s not your taste, Metallica and Rage Against the Machine tends to drown out Taylor Swift, Coldplay, and other chick music pretty well. Either they’ll associate playing their music too loud with being drowned out, or they’ll confront you. You’re in the right; Stand your ground.</p>

11

<p>Oh my god, that sounds like my freshman year. I lived in a triple with two girls who were extremely inconsiderate. There was once a pie that sat on my roommate’s desk for four weeks, and when I finally threw it out (after weeks of asking her to do something about it because of the bugs), and she got mad at me for touching her stuff. They would constantly borrow my dishes and silverware, and would leave them in the sink, unwashed, until I couldn’t find anything to eat with. Also, there would be LOUD conversations at 2 or 3 am (especially when my roommate’s boyfriend came over), and I would be treated like a selfish princess if I asked them to please talk more quietly because I had a midterm the next day.</p>

<p>I felt like I was going nuts. When I tried to talk to them about it, they were essentially like your roommates - they felt that I should accommodate their behavior, rather than trying to change anything. I got so frustrated that I just ended up crying and apologizing, and it felt like they would just both gang up on me all the time.</p>

<p>OP - you’re not crazy. I don’t know why this happens, but they’re being extremely inconsiderate. 9 AM is NOT early for a college student - hell, I get up at 8:30 am most days, and I still try to stay quiet because my roommate usually sleeps til 10 or so. I find it extremely inconsiderate to respond the way that they did after you asked them to be more quiet.</p>