Sad Dad Had Bad--Nite

Parents Forum
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<p>I remember very well taking our S to school last year. We sat through a talk on "letting go" at the school and I cried through the entire thing! A father next to me was doing the same thing and he reached over and patted my arm with empathy. </p>

<p>When we finally said goodbye, hugged him and got into the car I had the oddest feeling. I did not cry in front of him (just glassy eyes), but it was as if EVERY fiber of my being was shouting, "are you crazy? This is your son! You can't leave him here. He knows no one. You are his parents. This is not natural!" Needless to say, we finally drove away. I cried for 5 minutes and then the rest of the 400 mile drive we talked about what a GREAT place his school was. By the time we got home we were feeling very hopeful and content.</p>

<p>You adjust your life to the change, but out of the blue waves of missing him will come. When he called this week telling me he may stay this summer and do research, it was all I could do not to SOB! He is sooo happy though. I do have a great sense of satisfaction when I talk to him and hear how "together" he is. We helped get him there. </p>

<p>I am sure this may not be making you feel better. but it is honest. Your life will change very much in the next year. I do think parents go through reiventing themselves and their relationship with their "adult" children. After 9 months, I guess I feel you never stop missing them, but you adjust as best you can. Be proud of who they are. Be happy your relationship is strong and that you have such a great kid who you WANT to spend time with. Good luck!</p>

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<p>As my oldest left for college, I was just fine until I had to drive away in the car by myself. I cried hard for about 2 minutes, started driving and never really looked back. I think I fooled myself into believing that he would be home often to visit, so it wasn't a big deal. Well, as I have learned, they never really come home again. Not like you think it will be to have them home, anyway. It is a wonderful feeling to know that you have helped them achieve their independence, while at the same time it is overwhelming to realize they are independent.</p>

<p>It is still almost 4 months before my youngest is going away. He is going farther away than his brother, and that, too is hard to deal with. The hardest part is when I have these little attacks--like someone kicked me in the gut and I can't catch my breath--at the oddest moments. I might be preparing dinner, and realize how different it will be with no one running through the house. I might be washing uniforms for track, football, basketball or baseball, and realize that I won't be spending time like this next year. I might be cooking pizzas and popcorn for a house full of kids watching a basketball game, and realize that this won't be happening next March. I might be watching him compete, and then realize that someone else will have the stage next year....</p>

<p>And then I regroup and move forward. I realize that many new and exciting things will be coming our way. Every stage of our life has been a wonderful adventure--I think this will be true for all of us that are having a hard time letting go. </p>

<p>People tell me that they truly have adjusted to life without kids at home, I can't possibly imagine that being true today--I can only hope it will be true when the time comes.</p>

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<p>I think the thing to remember is that this has always been your dream, and it has now come true. You can't keep a thoroughbred racehorse tied up in your back yard. You've spent most of your adult life preparing your child for precisely this wonderful moment...to such an extent that you now think of yourself as "Dad" instead of "Drosselmeier." It's been 18 wonderful years in that cozy nest, and it truly won't ever be the same again, but it can still be darned good, if different. I miss many things about "the old days," but I'm constantly reinforced by watching my "racehorse" do her thing out in the big field. It worked!! But here's how I was feeling 3 years ago....
[quote]
It was a big change for us all when we dropped our daughter off at college last September, though I didn't notice it so much at first. We were euphoric for about three weeks, feeling she was in the perfect place for her, that everything had finally worked out. Our son immediately began behaving more maturely at home, having dropped the role of little brother. The house was much less messy, and it was much easier to socialize, etc.</p>

<p>Then I got massively depressed for about a week (which had never happened to me, and was scary), and I really couldn't figure out why, and it wasn't that I was pining away for my daughter, either--thinking about how happy she was at school was the only thing that cheered me up. We have a fine relationship, but like most teenagers, she brought her fair share of stress into our family, and we were both ready and excited for her to move on to the next stage of her life.</p>

<p>It finally dawned on me that it wasn't about her at all, it was entirely about me. I was at some subconscious level mourning the loss of what had been, for 19 years, the single most important aspect of my own personal identity--being a hands-on parent to my daughter. And it wasn't as if I didn't have plenty of other things to do and think about, either. It was recognizing the <em>permanence</em> of this change that was somehow frightening, and sad, like death. The door had closed behind me, it was locked, the key thrown away. I could never go back into that room again. My little family was changed forever. I felt like I was almost 50.</p>

<p>Fortunately that passed (although I find that I am still almost 50), and there are new, unlocked doors that have new rooms to be explored; some of them even have my daughter in them. But some, as has been noted above, will just contain me and/or my husband, doing things that were impossible when we were "hands-on parents." I'm finding this to be a bitter-sweet time--more sweet than bitter, though--and it's nice to hear others' thoughts, to help keep things in proper perspective.

[/quote]
</p>

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<p>On a lighter note, LeftHandOfDog's point above of not losing a daughter is well taken. You are not losing a daughter, you are gaining a college. Who will bond with you intimately. Closely. They will get to know you better than you know yourself.</p>

<p>....and <em>then</em> they will start sending you those frequent letters on bond-quality paper, suggesting that you donate a paltry grand or two to the fine institution that is keeping your kids out of your hair for most of the next 4 years :).</p>

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<p>

<strong>ROFLMAO</strong> OD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>

<p>Hey, who asked for a lighter note anyway?????.....c'mon, OD, get in touch with your inner self and say something profound. We're waiting.......;)</p>

<p>~b.</p>

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<p>You know, I started typing individual responses to you folks, so thankful was I that you wrote. But after getting through sybbie’s post and to the end, I just ditched the whole thing-- just plum worn out from the tears. The wonderful thing is that there are so many of you who really know what I am going through, and you are feeling it in the same way I feel it. That is really something.</p>

<p>I think my first concern was for maintaining what little dignity I will have left after I hug my kid for the last time. I was just a little afraid my arms would get locked around the poor girl and mysteriously refuse to come undone. And as a lot of you have pointed out, I am also sad about how this will change my family. We are all very close, and my daughter has always been this hero of a kid to me. I don’t like feeling so low. And I can tell my wife and other children feel something is not quite right because I am spending too much time alone. The great thing I have sensed out of all this is the hopefulness you folks have mentioned here repeatedly. I had kind of lost focus on that. My kid is going on to something new, and it will be really great. We’re about to launch our first out into the world – FOR REAL. So I am very much looking forward to seeing what happens.</p>

<p>I’m hobbling along, and I’ll be just fine because I think that all in all, we done good! But whew! The memories…</p>

<p>I have sincere thanks to give to every single person here because every one of you has had something very useful to say. I have to say I feel kind of embarrassed feeling such kinship with a bunch of strangers. That is weird for me. But I can’t deny that I really feel this. Rarely have I read so many words so carefully. This is for me the most spectacular thread on CC.</p>

<p>optimizerdad: LOL!</p>

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<p>Berurah:
Sorry. I wish I could contribute something meaningful here, but truthfully we just didn't have the really emotional parting moments that a lot of you had. Both our kids were at a state-run boarding school for the last three years of high-school, so I guess we got used to them being away from home. They came home every weekend during high-school days, so there really wasn't a prolonged absence.</p>

<p>I guess this made it easier for us to accept it when they took off for college. D1 was several states away, on the east coast - but she's a chatty type, who kept us entertained with periodic accounts of how things were going academically & socially. D2 is quieter, and we <em>do</em> worry more about her - but she's a mere 5 hours away by highway, and at a pinch we can always drive down there and spoil her.</p>

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<p>On a purely practical note: they don't ever completely come home, but they DO come home - some more than others. Colleges usually have two 15 week semesters (total of 30 weeks compared to 36 weeks for K-12 education), and lots of breaks/ holidays/ long weekends. You'll be seeing your kid again, and it is thrilling to see him/her so grown-up. Cell phones with unlimited family plans have made it easy to keep in touch, and you may find yourself receiving frequent phone calls like this... "Hi Dad, I'm just walking across campus - just got out of Psych class....hey, I went to this cool performance last night and then my friends and I went over to my prof's house for dessert...." Stuff like that will just gladden your heart, and you'll realize that the divide is not so great, and you still have a big place in your kid's heart. :)</p>

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<p>Yeah, and sometimes you will get to hear from other people about how happy your kid is in their new school. Three separate times this year, S's first year at college, people I know very well have visited him and seen him in his element. Their reports back are enough to make my heart burst with pride and joy for him and about him. He is like a kid in a candy-shop, they say. It's like he's been waiting his whole life to be at this place. He is so proud of his school as he leads the visitors on a tour. He has so many friends, he stopped every five minutes to say hi to someone, his cell phone rings constantly. He is so confident in such a big place. He's really making his way and if he can make it there, he really can make it in the real world. All these comments and the way their eyes light up when they recall their visits with him. The way they are so happy because HE'S so happy, well, it replaces bit by bit the ache of having him grown up already. Their comments confirm that we did our job; we raised a competent young adult who is not afraid to charge headlong into the rush of new experiences, who is learning from but not being defeated by his mistakes and who seems to be showing signs of character and maturity, too. Sometimes, I just shake my head and wonder, how'd we do that?</p>

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<p>Drosselmeier - It seems like "it takes a village" for us grown-ups, too! I, too, have been so thankful for the insights gained on this board. And, having survived D1 leaving and preparing for D2's, I'll just say that being aware of this mismash of feelings and sharing the load with others is half the battle. Blessings to you!</p>

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<p>Drossy, leaving my D and walking away from her at drop off was one of the more emotional moments I've had. I was solo, which I think made it even worse. But like most traumas, it got better day by day.</p>

<p>And it really is the beginning of a whole new adventure that you get to watch in slo-mo. Two years later, it's still on-going and getting even more adventurous. </p>

<p>And as disconsolate as I was to walk away from D at her college (thank goodness there weren't <em>really</em> staff patrolling the grounds with crowbars to pry you apart), there was compensation in the stunning moment of seeing this new adult that you're picking up at the airport at Thanksgiving.</p>

<p>There are still times now when she's really really busy and can't call for a week or so but then you hit the oasis when she has the time and it's all good, even if you've been wondering how X, Y, and Z are going...and we've been kept in the loop enough to know that X, Y, and Z are the major elements on the table at the moment.</p>

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<p>Am I the only one who was thrilled to see my kids go off to college? (And they both left the same year, too.) By the days they left, I was so sick of them that I actualy celebrated on the way back to the car. In fact, my husband and I left for two weeks in Tanzania (no phones, no email) about a week after they started college, which meant they were nicely settled by the time we got back.</p>

<p>I love hearing about their courses and watching them grow both intellectually and personally. I also enjoy having private time with my husband and knowing that our years of financial stress will end soon...</p>

<p>And frankly, they are MUCH nicer people now than they were in high school.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Am I the only one who was thrilled to see my kids go off to college?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I think we’re all thrilled, dmd. The problem is, we are also realizing that we are losing what we have, despite that we are gaining some unknown something else. I don’t know about you, but what I have right now is really something special.</p>

<p>We have this place we like to camp at each year near the end of October. It is amazingly beautiful and we stay there a whole week. Usually there are wild apple trees all around, thick with apples. My kids love to pick them by the buckets, my oldest leading the pack. We get them, and make this apple cobbler like stuff right there at the campsite. We do this every year.</p>

<p>When we first started camping there, my first child was this little kid, maybe seven years old. I was pretty new at camping then. Its night. We’re all snugged away in the tent. Its cold outside, warm inside, and I am just filled with all kinds of beautiful things as I lay there next to my wife with my kids asleep.</p>

<p>Suddenly, I hear something outside, close to the tent. Immediately, I am up, crouched, don’t really know what I am gonna do if something comes in after us, but I know I am definitely gonna do something. My wife gets up and asks whats going on.</p>

<p>“I heard something.”
“What did it sound like?”
“Don’t know, maybe deer.”
“It could be a bear!” my son says. He’s about five.
“What if its a man?” my wife asks quietly.
“Maybe it’s a deerbearman, with a gun!” my oldest says right out loud.</p>

<p>The whole tent suddenly bursts out in laughter, frightening away whatever it was that was outside.</p>

<p>What’s going on here is that I’m remembering this kind of stuff, and it sort of gets me that we’ll never have it again.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
What’s going on here is that I’m remembering this kind of stuff, and it sort of gets me that we’ll never have it again.

[/quote]
That's why they invented grandchildren.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
That's why they invented grandchildren.

[/quote]

Ahh. Really great point!</p>

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<p>Yeah, D hasn't been to college, but I spent the whole summer before she went off to residential high school, clinging to her neck and sobbing, "It's not too late to change your mind, you know." </p>

<p>In a way, I'll feel better about her being at Stanford, because my sister lives nearby and can check up on her more, and she won't be driving long distances. (This year after Christmas, I reluctantly agreed after to start letting her drive the 300 miles home once a month from her high school). </p>

<p>One thing I did to try to manage my anxiety (especially about the driving and post-Katrina life in general) was to try to make her as self-sufficient as possible. D has AAA-Plus (which I highly recommend as it is inexpensive and will cover them in ANY private vehicle and will tow up to 100 miles) as well as a huge roadside "self-rescue" kit that I made. The kit has, among other things, a jump box, inverter, air compressor, flares, triangles, space blanket, radiator hose repair stuff, at least one container of all fluids, funnels, spotlight, hand tools, pocket knife, a first aid kit, fix-a-flat, a gas can, hand siphon, tarp, the works. It has so much stuff in it, I had to buy this big plastic trunk box for it, and have actually debated whether the excess weight in her trunk will make her vehicle pendulum in a crash.</p>

<p>She thought this was a horrid 17th birthday present, btw, and was less than thrilled with the auto fire extinguisher in her Christmas stocking.</p>

<p>Only in retrospect, I see her point. But it's sort of cool, because when the kids are getting ready to drive home on the monthly extended weekend, some of them come to her to have their tire pressure checked and air added or for her to show them how to check their oil, etc. </p>

<p>Like Drosselmeier, camping was a very important part of our family life too. I am hoping she will continue to take a vacation with me every year at least through college. She said she will, but a few more sensible presents at the holidays, and who knows?</p>

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<p>Drosselmeier, your original post reminded me of my dad. The only thing I can say to comfort you is that, even if she isn't feeling it quite yet, your D will go through the same emotions, and will do everything she can to keep your relationship as close and as wonderful as it ever was. I still call my parents every day, and, as much as I love school, I always look forward to coming home and being a full part of the family. In fact, while toward the end of high school I started feeling, as you do, that the best days for my childhood family unit were at an end, I now realize that, at least for the next several years, we will still be almost as closely integrated into each others lives as we ever were. Yes, I have more independence, and that is a good thing. But I also have completely supportive, loving parents who will be involved in my life for as long as we're all living, and whose influence will never stop being with me.</p>

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<p>"Maybe it's a deerbearman with a gun!" </p>

<p>I've got to remember that. Thank you.</p>

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<p>Basically, you learn to live with the reality that you are evolutionary toast.</p>

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<p>Drosselmeier:
Our S went to college in September 2004. Here are some great quotes from this thread that ring home:</p>

<p>
[quote]
I'm wondering how was it when you finally gave the last hug and said goodbye.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Well, we've had lots of hugs since.</p>

<p>
[quote]
They will stumble and call, and when it's all done they will return and hopefully say, "Dad, you were right, thanks".. what a great reward to look forward to.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>In the beginning my calls more often began "Dad, I have a problem", but that'a happening a lot less now that he knows how to go about doing thngs on campus. </p>

<p>
[quote]
I think the thing to remember is that this has always been your dream, and it has now come true.</p>

<p>You'll be seeing your kid again, and it is thrilling to see him/her so grown-up.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Amen to both.</p>

<p>And if you want to see my post about what happened, see</p>

<p><a href="http://www.collegeconfidential.com/cgi-bin/discus/board-profile.cgi?action=display_profile&profile=dadofsam-colleges%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.collegeconfidential.com/cgi-bin/discus/board-profile.cgi?action=display_profile&profile=dadofsam-colleges&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>And Dr. Seuss is always a great resource. He wrote a book for us old folks, too. You're in for an interesting and eye-opening experience. Enjoy it!</p>