<p>We though that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his plan</p>
<p>These words from Edwin Arlington Robinsons famous poem Richard Cory describe what people often fell when they see other who apparently lead happier, richer, more content lives than they do.</p>
<p>Assignment: The kind of envy to which Robinson refers may serve as a strong motivating force for some people to improve their condition and place in life. On the other hand, envy may be a self defeating and ultimately frustrating emotion because it may lead people to strive in vain for unattainable goals. In our view, is envy generally a positive or a negative force in peoples lives? To support you position, use reasoning and examples take from your studies, reading or personal observation and experience</p>
<p>So here it is:</p>
<p>Greed is good was the mantra of Gordon Gekko, the fictitious corporate raider in the film Wall Street and so too was it the mantra for a whole generation of corporate executives. This greed and envy for more money, more power and more prestige eventually brought their worlds crashing down on their heads.
Jeffery Skilling and Kenneth Lay, the founders of the now defunct energy company Enron, were highly ambitious men. They started the company as a small energy trading firm, eventually expanding it into an $80bln global corporation before it crashed into bankruptcy. How could they get so far? From the beginning, greed and personal gain were motivators of the two founders and as the companys size increased, their wealth increased along with it. As they grew accustomed with their lavish lifestyle, they became even greedier for money. Increasingly, they used deceptive accounting methods to boost the size of their wealth until the company was mired in a complex web of deceit and eventually liability. Skilling and Lay were bankrupted and eventually imprisoned because of their envy for money corrupting their morals and ethics.
A good family friend of mine envied success and fame as did the founders of Enron. Envy drove him to success and fame as a businessman, yet it corrupted his morality and his decency. He was born a poor man yet a man rich in personality. As he fought his way to the top he became arrogant and obnoxious the antithesis of his former self.
Envy is the poison of the personality and the mind. Envy becomes a self-sustaining problem and eventually contributes to ones downfall. </p>
<p>What would you rate it out of 6? Any comments or suggestions?</p>
<p>There is a wide range of sophisticated vocabulary and good use of language as well so that would give this essay I THINK a 5 or a 6. There is also good attention paid to punctuation.</p>
<p>well i'm not an SAT grader, but I would give it a 4 or 5. To me, it seems like you are more concerned with showing off your vocab than writing a persuasive essay. It is definitely good, but is short and doesn't feel complete. Poor transition in lines 9-11..</p>
<p>probably a 3. I mean your vocabulary seems very good, but you only have one example and one body paragraph. Also, your intro and conclusions are full of nothingness. </p>
<p>Also, work on grammar changing. When making statements, try staying away from traditional SV(subject verb) sentences. Use adjectives and other things to produce better leads into sentences. </p>
<p>I wouldnt be suprised if you got a 2 either. I think with a little change in your writing style, and a bigger length would definately bump up the score noticeably.</p>
<p>While length is certainly important, SAT essays are short because you only get 25 minutes. That being said, your essay was well-structured and had decent use of language. I would shy away from using personal things. One, your story seems too convenient and I don't believe you (which could be the same reaction for SAT graders) and two, it's always better to have literary references, if you can think of one.</p>
<p>On another note, if you've ever read Richard Cory, you might consider taking another direction. The poem is about these townspeople who envy Richard Cory, this "perfect person." Cory kills himself and this shows how misleading the pursuit of perfection is. Perfect man kills himself, in my opinion because he has the expectations to be perfect, but he either can't handle the pressures or wants to be more perfect than he is, but can't. In this sense, it is Richard Cory's envy of perfection that is unattainable. Then I would compare it Athur Miller's "Death of a Salesman" but I compare pretty much everything to that. Salesman wants unrealistic goals, but he can't face the fact that he's only mediocre. Thus greed is negative. </p>
<p>To answer your question: 3,4, or 5. But I'd give it a 4.</p>
<p>I would give you a 4 because
1) the length was like two paragraphs...definitely longer...the truth is longer essays (articulate) score higher. and how are you going to prove your "points" in such a short essay.
2) thesis needs to be stronger and with more topics to talk about.
3) you did some interesting connections, and that's the impressive part. just develop more. </p>
<p>basically write more about it. and typing it often times is faster than writing. practice on paper and pencil.</p>
<p>I know they are short becuase of time, but instead of using his time making only one big body paragraph with one object for supporting his argument, he should have done two, or three body paragraphs. If i was grading, i would make having only 3 paragraphs unmissable (if that even is three. The intro and conclusion have no substance at all whatsoever (their arent really supposed to, but a good intro and conclusion should definitely be more than 2 sentences.)).</p>
<p>I would give you a 0 out of 6. I hate people who rant about how greed is corrupting, enron, blah blah blah. You are just jealous of the rich people who have risen to the top becaue of their innate larger brains.</p>
<p>what is the opening paragraph talking about? who is their? "and so too was it the mantra for a whole generation of corporate executives" --- what is that??</p>
<p>"From the beginning, greed and personal gain were motivators of the two founders and as the company’s size increased, their wealth increased along with it. "
THIS IS BAD GRAMMAR. greed and personal gain were the motivation for the founders....perhaps. whose wealth increased? the founders... the company?
i give u a 5/6 out of 12</p>
<p>3...
Thesis isn't strong or developed. Work on it, it's a must for higher scored essay.
While you good vocabulary you lack support.
The essay needs some work to better convey it's point.
It isn't complete...they expect a rough draft so don't spend that much time weaving in vocabulary if you don't have much support...I know I'm being redundant but an anecdotes about Enron and of a person friend isn't isn't enough, especially when the second part wasn't finished...</p>