SAT essay

Test Preparation
1

<p>Could someone rate my essay or explain why I got 8/12 for my SAT essay last June? The topic was something like, ‘Should we let other people affect our own opinion/viewpoint?’
And if anyone has a copy of there essay which they got a 6 on, could they please send it to my email? (<a href="mailto:emmawhite91@hotmail.com">emmawhite91@hotmail.com</a>) I’d really appreciate it. I could send you some SAT Math IIC past papers in return. Thanks!!!</p>

<p>Nowadays, opinions range from an individual’s daily thoughts, to a high-profile controversial topic. The recent Terri Schiavo’s case has sparked much attention throughout the world, and many different views have aroused. With one topic, there can be many different thoughts. However, worrying too much about other’s opinions can destroy someone’s individuality and will prevent oneself from seeing things clearly.</p>

<p>Firstly, everyone has a different social stance, race, occupation and gender. Hence, people’s viewpoints are bound to be different from one another. For instance, with the topic of whether euthanasia should be legalized, opinions have appeared to be varied. While the Pope argued against the legalization of euthanasia, for it usurps the divine will and the common goods of the society, many hospital authorities have opposed stating that people should die with dignity and lucidity. But what, is really dying with ‘dignity’? Thus, people have many different opinions, and depending on another’s opinion, can make people become biased.</p>

<p>Furthermore, other people may interpret something differently than oneself. In my history class last year, we were analyzing different primary sources from the Industrial Revolution. One source, written by a mill owner, described the child workers as working very happily. They said the working conditions were comfortable. On the other hand, the child laborers depicted the conditions as being filthy and unfit to work in. Hence, different people many interpret things in a viewpoint that is contradictory.</p>

<p>Moreover, relying on other people’s opinions may destroy one’s individuality. If all the world had the same viewpoint, then there would be no discoveries and improvements. Everyone would follow the same opinion and everything would be monotonous.</p>

<p>In conclusion, worrying about other’s viewpoints may put someone in contradiction, bias and would destroy one’s individuality. By having different opinions, whether it be bad or good, makes a more colorful and interesting society.</p>

2

<p>Yes. I'll be frank:</p>

<p>"Nowadays" is too informal a beginning.</p>

<p>"high-profile" isn't a very good adjective. Hyphenated terms should usually be avoided, plus "high-profile" applies to celebrities or prestigious, important, glamourous people, anyway. Why not just say important? Or weighty?</p>

<p>There should be a comma between "high-profile" and "controversial." Any adjective preceeding another adjective like that needs a comma after it.</p>

<p>"the Terri Schiavo's case" It's not Terri Schiavo's case. you don't put "the" before names... "the Billy's rant about how grammatical abilities are going down the toilet." It would just be "Terri Schiavo case." But a better way to phrase that would be "the recent case involving Terri Schiavo," or at the very least, "the Terri Schiavo case."</p>

<p>Use "opinions" instead of "views."</p>

<p>"Arouse" is a transitive verb. You can only arouse something else. The sentence needs an object. You should have said "aroused conflagration" or "aroused controversy." But it would have been better to have just said "arisen."</p>

<p>Just say "there can be many different thoughts OVER one topic." Or "on one topic." You don't think with something. You think over it, on it, about it.</p>

<p>"other's" is plural. The comma should be after the s, like so: "others'" But that's bad phrasing. Just say "the opinions of others."</p>

<p>Say "first," not "firstly." First is an adverb and works just fine.</p>

<p>Put a comma between "occupation" and "and."</p>

<p>Put the apostrophe in "people's" after the s: "peoples'." It's plural.</p>

<p>I made those grammatical corrections to be helpful, but the first sentence of your second paragraph can be removed entirely.</p>

<p>Say "on the topic" rather than "with the topic."</p>

<p>In fact, just say "Euthanasia, for instance, has produced many varied opinions."</p>

<p>"While the Pope argued against the legalization of euthanasia, for it usurps the divine will and the common goods of the society, many hospital authorities have opposed stating that people should die with dignity and lucidity."</p>

<p>Never, ever, ever use "for" the way you did above. This isn't the 16th century. Say "because." Or, in this case, say "on the grounds that."</p>

<p>"Usurps" is the wrong word. Say "violates."</p>

<p>Say "many hospitals have opposed euthanizing their patients." Lucidity is completely the wrong word to use, and that sentence is long and awkward. Avoid the continuous present, -ing.</p>

<p>"But what, is really dying with ‘dignity’? Thus, people have many different opinions, and depending on another’s opinion, can make people become biased."</p>

<p>There should not be a comma after "what." Chance the sentence to "But how does one define "dying with dignity?" You can't begin an explanation with a question, and then proceed to an explanation "But what?/Thus..." You should have an answer to the question in between the two sentences. "But how do you define "dying with dignity?" My suggestion: "But how do you define "dying with dignity?" Most people have a completely different conception of such a subjective concept." Never begin sentences with "thus," it's totally preschool. The third sentence above "thus... biased." Isn't really any explanation at all. If you were reading the essay, and hadn't written it, would it make any sense to you? It's not a very nice looking sentence, what with all the commas, plus it uses the word "opinion" twice. How about: "Ideas such as these are open to debate and interpretation." I wouldn't use any questions in an essay, by the way, i.e., the first sentence above.</p>

<p>I'm afraid I gotta go... Perusing the rest of the essay, my suggestion is that you read more, as much as you can. I feel mean saying this, but the people who scored you were very lax... I could comment more on your argument, but if you at least get down your grammar and style then (assuming the scorers are as sloppy and generous as they were on this occasion), then this essay would pull off a 10. Just get the grammar right. It's key. Be concise. Use simple sentences without commas, whenever possible. Brush up on your vocabulary, but make sure not to completely misuse words with the wrong definitions, as you did with usurp and lucidity.</p>

3

<p>Granfallooner, I must say you edit quite well. However, do the graders REALLY read that closely?</p>

<p>I would like to think that the graders look at essays as a whole and that they don't have the time to dissect it. So, student91, I scanned your essay VERY briefly, and at first glance:
Looking at the 5 paragraphs, the reader first notices the short, formulaic transitions. "Nowadays," "Firstly," "Furthermore," "Morever," "In Conclusion"--words like those make you seem like you're talking down to your reader. But this is probably not as important as the following concerns...</p>

<p>Your opening paragraph should contain your thesis and preview of points. Standard stuff. While you DO state you position on the prompt, you cite the Terri Schiavo case as though you plan on using it to argue your position THROUGHOUT the essay (preview of point, right?). However, after reading paragraph #3 and #4, (to the reader) it seems as though you couldn't develop the Schiavo case anymore and decided to come up with other examples to use. Did you intend to discuss the Schiavo case throughout the essay? If this was not your intention, you might have wanted to mention your other examples (history, personal experience?) in your preview of points, along with the Terry case.</p>

<p>Most importantly, 2nd and 3rd paragraphs proves this: that people have very different opinions... but do they bring the points back to the thesis, that "no, you should not let people affect your opinion?" While noting your attempt at the last sentence of your 2nd P, to argue that bias is a reason not to be dependent on the opinions of others, the connection between the last sentences and your build up of the arguement before it, seems to be weak. It is in your 4th paragraph that you finally bring the point back to your thesis by discussing the cost of one's individuality.</p>

<p>These are just my thoughts. I hope that by sharing them with you, you don't take them as criticism; instead, please consider these things as ideas to prompt your thoughts on ways you can improve for your next essay.</p>

4

<p>thanks for spending time to edit my badly written essay.
you guys are great!</p>

5

<p>student 91.. i feel that u deserved a 9 atleast..</p>

6

<p>Body paragraphs are not closely tied to the intro/thesis. The thesis should be the main point and each body paragraph should be a subunit that supports the thesis</p>

7

<p>I'm looking at the grading criteria at the moment. </p>

<p>To receive a score 6:
The essay is outstanding, demonstrating clear and consistent mastery...</p>

<p>It effectively and insightfully develops a point of view, demonstrates outstanding critical thinking using clearly appropriate examples, reasons and other evidence. </p>

<p>Well organized and clearly focused. Clear coherence and smooth idea progression. </p>

<p>Skillful use of language, sentence variety</p>

<p>Free of most grammatical errors</p>

<p>You by no way come close to this. I think you were lucky in receiving an 8, they were quite generous. </p>

<p>You give what can be construed as examples but you don't evaluate them you just summarize and conclude. That is not "outstanding critical thinking". You come to the same conclusion with each example. Your examples are very similar and bland and not always appropriate. You jump back and forth between ideas. One minute you are talking about Terri Shiavo the next euthanasia and then the Industrial Revolution. That was just confusing. </p>

<p>You also use the same cliche essay language throughout your writing. </p>

<p>I just found the essay blah. It wasn't great and it wasn't terrible. It needs to be more focused, pick a view point and an area to concentrate on and stick to it. You need a clear progression, to get from introduction to conclusion. That you didn't have.</p>

8

<p>Boridi, I agree with you that "Body paragraphs are not closely tied to the intro/thesis. The thesis should be the main point and each body paragraph should be a subunit that supports the thesis."</p>

<p>I was trying to assert that student91 should have listed the topic of each body paragraph in a preview of point sentence-- in the intro paragraph. By mentioning only one example in the intro, it was assumed that only that example would be discussed throughout the essay.</p>

<p>Student91, what grade are you in? Will you be taking the SAT again?</p>