<p>My D2 sent a text last night that said--I quit rushing! I wrote back saying that if that was her decision, then OK. She called then and said she did not want to "pay " for friends (sorority fees, etc.), and did not want to have to be selected, etc. I told her that it was up to her and I would support whatever decision she made.</p>
<p>However, between you and me, parents, is she making the right decision? At her school, a very large percentage of the students join the greeks. D1 did not join a sorority at her school. But her school is much larger than D2. D1 school has over UG 12000 students. About 6000 are female and 50% in sororities. That leaves 3000 independents. D2 school has about 3800 students. With about 50% females and 50% (conservatively) joining sororities, that leaves about 950 independent females.</p>
<p>I did not join a sorority at college. But that was many years ago. I realize that my D's decision is none of my business and I would not try to change her mind. I am just curious if any of you have experiences to share either way. I am concerned that she will be left out of many activities given her schools active greek scene.</p>
<p>While 50% is high, that leaves half the people to do other non-Greek activities together. Only your daughter can know if it’s right for her. Will she be missing out on something? Sure, but that doesn’t mean she’ll be doing nothing. She’ll be having other experiences and she’ll find other activities. She’d be missing out on those if she joined the sorority. It seems she’d be able to find a few friends out of 950 girls.</p>
<p>I went through rush many years ago, and I quit just like your daughter did. I liked the idea of the social life, but I didn’t like all the sing-songy stuff they did when we visited the houses, and I realized that I’d be the one up there singing and clapping the next year. I didn’t even like that stuff when I was in Brownies–so by college I really didn’t want to do it anymore. I just realized it wasn’t right for me. Being a part of a sorority means participating in things that may not be appealing because it’s required. I’ve known many girls that felt the demands on their time were simply too great.</p>
<p>My friend’s daughter quit rush at Emory last year. She’s double-majoring and involved in many other things, and she realized once she got into it that she wouldn’t have time. They didn’t give up easily though–they texted and invited her to things for a long time after she quit, trying to encourage her to reconsider.</p>
<p>Do you think she might be able to get involved with music or theater or community service or the college newspaper or yearbook (writing? photography?) or a language or cultural club or a sport?</p>
<p>I was in a sorority and had just as many “GDI” friends as I did within in my sorority. She’ll still be invited to parties; she’ll still be able to partake of pretty much all the social events on campus. She’ll be fine.</p>
This is not really accurate and is misrepresentative of what sororities are about. </p>
<p>I was in a sorority at a school that was very heavily greek. I had a few sorority sisters who had been very anti-sorority when they first came to our school and had refused to go through rush. Getting to know some of the girls in the sororities changed their minds.</p>
<p>D1 had three best friends as a freshman. Two of them definitely wanted to pledge. My D1 was more of “I’ll go through the rush, but I am not truly committed.” The fourth really didn’t want to do it, but went along anyway. They all ended up in the same house. </p>
<p>The interesting thing is the girls that ended in their house are the kind of girls D1 would have been friends with, even if there was no Greek life. She also had a party over the summer at our house. All of them either belonged to the sorority or guys from fraternities. Again, the guys were the kind of guys she would have been friends with, similar to her guy friends in high school. All her guy friends from freshman year all pledged. The reluctant fourth girl is very happy she joined - because all of her friends did.</p>
<p>For D1, she didn’t pay for friends. She didn’t all of sudden gain 40+ friends. On the other hand, if your daughter does not relate to people in the Greek life, then it is not for her. Even if she joined, she wouldn’t be happy or comfortable. I think it is a mistake to think a sorority “forces” a bond between a random group of girls. Those girls joined a house (each house is different) because they are similar in some ways, and by sharing some common experiences it just made their bond stronger (does that make sense?).</p>
<p>Maybe your daughter would like to go through the rush and decide at the end if she wants to pledge. College is all about trying out new things, expanding one’s comfort zone. If she doesn’t end up pledging, she’ll still have a full social life. I am sure those sorority girls have ECs outside of Greek life. D1 has a whole set of dance friends.</p>
<p>Remember, she is the one who has seen the Greek scene at her school, whatever it is like, and so she is the one who knows about it. If she quit the process, that suggests that she was uncomfortable in some way with what she was seeing.</p>
<p>oldfort’s comment is right on, I think. Also, I would not expect her to have social trouble because of this. If half the school is Greek, then half the school is not, and there’s no law that Greeks and non-Greeks can’t be friends or go to each other’s events in any case.</p>
<p>Back in the Dark Ages, I joined a sorority, because at my college there was a heavily Greek contingent of about 60% of the campus. I was never comfortable with it, thought it was a waste of time, didn’t like the girls in the house any better than the girls not in the house. In the Fall of my junior year, I quit the sorority – they called it “deactivating,” which always sounded to me like I was being de-radiated – and I had at that time absolutely no regrets, nor have I ever had any regrets.</p>
<p>Actually, one regret: I probably should have picked a school with a less dominant Greek system.</p>
<p>I would also be proud of your daughter. She can think for herself.</p>
<p>Sometimes people feel a need to defend. Feeling that need to defend, they try to find reasons. Sometimes, they come up with “reasons” which may not be accurate or even indicative of their true, perhaps inarticulable feelings. </p>
<p>I suspect that if D were to find a sorority that began to feel right to her, she would forget about the “paying for friends” objection.</p>
<p>My approach would be to listen and try to “reflect” or restate her feelings. Restating them shows D that you understand those feelings (whether or not you agree). Being understood encourages someone to share more, and to explore their feelings further.</p>
<p>For example: “So, the way you see it, sororities amount to paying for friends.”</p>
<p>I started a thread similar to this a month or so ago and I am glad to see the question is coming back up. Being from Canada we do not have the big push for the Greek Life but our D was concerned about it since she has moved to the States. I trust her to make up her own mind but to date she is not interested. We have also told her that should she join then the costs will be hers as we cannot afford the extra expense. Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say but it is a reality that we are strapped enough by the out of State tuition and the fluctuating dollar that she needs to think about the expenses as well. I think your daughter is very level headed and mature, I would also be proud of her.</p>
<p>D. did not plan on participating in Greek, but then she changed her mind and joined. She did not expect all invaluable experiences that she got from it. She really loves it. She is very outgoing and never lacked in friends. She mentioned that few girls do not participate in anything, so it is waste of money for them.</p>
<p>There’s always Alpha Phi Omega, the service fraternity whose membership exists to provide community service.
My oldest DD did not want any part of sorority life even though I had a good experience with it in college and she was a “legacy”. She found her outlet with APO and spent the extra energy involved with food drives and other such volunteer efforts. Plus she got the experience of a social network as well. I’ve talked to others whose children have gone this path and they speak highly of the organization.</p>
<p>I did the same thing–went to the University of Michigan (large Greek contingent at the time–don’t know what it is like now) and decided to go through rush and join a sorority because my friends/roommates encouraged me. I realized early on that I didn’t have much in common with most of the women (my friends in the sorority were my friends pre-sorority). My boyfriend of the moment was really involved in anti-war (Vietnam) activities and he loved to let me know what he thought of sorority membership (not much). As a result, I deactivated. I didn’t regret my decision then and don’t look back with regret. </p>
<p>I’d say trust your D’s decision. If she’s has friends/social network that works for her and she’s not turned on by Greek life, so be it.</p>
<p>DD at a large UC decided to join a sorority after her freshman year, she stayed in for a year or two, but it was not her thing, so she deactivated. This was no surprise to her family as she does not buy in to the whole rah-rah kumbaya thing.</p>
<p>My other DD joined a sorority and whilst she is not a $200 jeans wearing legally blonde type, she is a joiner, and enthusiastic school spirit kind of person, she does buy in and enjoy that type of thing. She enjoyed it and is now in the alumni group.</p>
<p>It’s really a personality thing, if your kid loves it, great, if not, they should not feel badly for not going Greek.</p>
<p>I second kcbelle15’s suggestion of a service fraternity. Your daughter’s comment about buying friends suggests that she wants a deeper connection. Common values such as a desire to serve the community may provide that connection.</p>
<p>I’m a GDI and have never felt, in college or afterward, that failing to rush put me at any disadvantage whatsoever, FWIW.</p>
<p>Also don’t forget that refusal to join a group is, in a sense, joining the “group” of people who refuse to join, and that, too, can form a common basis for friendship. The term GDI was invented, after all, by people who wanted to identify themselves with that group. We’re a fraternity/sorority of sorts, just not as well organized, and the songs we sing are less smarmy.</p>
<p>A small commercial for Smith and the other women’s colleges:</p>
<p>The whole place is like all the benefits of a sorority, including living in a house with all four years represented, but without the ickiness of rush and being weighed on attributes of looks, clothes, money, and just how quirky are you?</p>
<p>Just another voice in support of APO as an option. My D decided against rushing a sorority, but loves the “brothers” in her “fraternity”! APO is technically a service fraternity so they are all “brothers!!” Seriously, they do great service work in the community, learn leadership skills and form lasting friendships.</p>
<p>My D won’t even consider applying to a college that has more than 10-15% Greek. She doesn’t want to replicate the awful scene from her small public HS where some were “in”, others were definitely NOT IN, and some Queen Bee directing the whole thing. UGGH.</p>