<p>I’m applying for scholarships at a local university and I need help with my essay! Sorry if this is a lot to read but any help is appreciated!
Prompt:
Tell us about an intellectual challenge that has mattered to you- an idea that you have wrestled with and explored independently. How have you resolved it, and what impact has it had on your plans for the future?</p>
<p>My essay rough draft:
I watched as she made mistake after mistake throughout the years. She went from low self-esteem and anorexia to partying and alcohol to letting a man push her around. My sister may not be what one would consider a role model, but she’s what inspired me to become what I am today. Seeing the things that got her into trouble helped me realize that I need to stay strong and believe in who I am, not letting peer pressure influence me into anything else. This has been something I struggled with during my first few years of high shcool.
When I was a freshman, everything was changing. It was a confusing time in my life. I began to let others get the best of me (I’m not sure if that is the best wording here???), but it didn’t take me long to realize I was going down the wrong path. Noticing that this was exactly how my sister’s problems had started, I took a 180-degree turn for the better, and tried my best to stay that way.
Many people expected me to end up being just like my sister. For many people who have siblings like mine, they will fall into those stereotypes. While I chose to look at my sister as what not to become, others viewed her as someone they’d like to be like, like my friends did. They would come over to my house and be negatively influenced by my sister’s actions. I always tried my best to stop this from happening, but I would seldom succeed. Now many of the people that surrounded me were bad influences. All I could do was face the daily challenge of not becoming something I didn’t want to be. Eventually I drifted apart from my friends who continued to make bad decisions, and though it wasn’t easy to let them go, I began to make new friends. By this point, my junior year was just ending.
So far, I’ve made a few new friends who have similar interests as me and know what’s best for them. I have learned how to balance my social life with my education and haven’t had any problems since.
All that i learned through my experience has had an impact on my future. Seeing my sister and former friends get busted for drugs last year has led me to realize that someone needs to stand up and be a good example or else everyone who looks up to you will try to become something that they shouldn’t. I have decided to never let myself get into a situation where I am an inch away from falling down the wrong path like I did my freshman year.
While contemplating what to write this essay about, I realized that it’s all about the examples you set for others. Maybe getting busted knocked some sense into my sister and friends, or maybe they found a good example of someone who makes the right choices, but either way, they have all begun to straighten their lives out. I’d like to think that maybe I was that one person to turn their lives around. Even if I wasn’t, I know that I’m a positive influence on the people around me, and that’s good enough for me.</p>
<p>It’s hard to tell where my paragraphs start and end; sorry about that. If anyone sees ANYTHING I should change about this essay, please be honest! Thanks in advance!
And some questions:
- Should I include something about what drew me to this college? It would be a little off-topic.
- The college had tips for the essay,and says it should tell them about me, and my personal experience. I feel like this essay mostly focuses on other people, but not on me!
- Is my essay boring? How could I make it more interesting?
- How could I change the wording to sound better?</p>