School Communication with Parents

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>I'd like to hear people's experience with proactive communications from boarding schools to parents. What levels are typical and/or ideal? How do you get most of your communications from your child's school? </p>

<p>The reason I ask is that we get lots of wonderful communication from our son's school (Proctor), and practically no information from our daughter's school (withholding the name).</p>

<p>A bit of background: Our daughter is a first-year junior boarding student at a large independent school. At this school, about 75% of the students are local day students, with the balance being primarily international boarding students, with a few US boarding students (including our daughter). We just feel completely in the dark. We don't get academic updates of any sort (except midterm and final grades), don't get a copy of her class schedule (or even a list of what classes she is signed up for), there's no parent portal, ... there just is NOTHING from them except a very generic weekly e-mail. I'm frustrated. We got so much more communication from our local high school than we get from this school.</p>

<p>What should we expect here? What do you expect? Should I be complaining about this? Thank you so much for your input. </p>

2

<p>With Proctor, as you know, they stress communication in all their materials so you have that expectation once your child is enrolled. Was there any discussion by your D’s school during interviews etc about what their level of communication with parents is? </p>

3

<p>I don’t specifically remember asking them how they communicate with parents, although I did ask if they had a portal and they told me that they don’t (because they don’t want parents helicoptering on every grade). It never occurred to me that communication would be so absent. So I really didn’t think to ask!</p>

4

<p>I don’t see any harm in explaining to either your D’s class dean or dormitory head that although you know your family’s situation is unusual–boarders a minority, and many of them international–it would put you more at ease to have some kind of regular check in. They may turn you down, or they may immediately accommodate you. We had regular communication with our DC’s advisor freshman year (more or less once a week), but since then it has tapered significantly, although DC himself has become much better about the occasional check in. I think if you ask politely, and couch it in the spirit of wanting to be a supportive member of “team DC” from home, many school teachers and admins will understand and try to “read you in.”</p>

5

<p>That’s very helpful, PelicanDad. I definitely want to be diplomatic about it, rather than coming across as whining or complaining (which, in truth, is what I’m doing).</p>

6

<p>I have another one at a JBS, too, so if you ever want to compare notes, feel free to PM me</p>

7

<p>I wonder if they are viewing her more as a junior than as a first-year. Perhaps their MO is to taper off communication as the students move up. We had sufficient communication with our son’s advisor first and second year, but it was only on a check-in basis each trimester and a couple of other conversations we initiated for specific reasons. The adults around him were always available to us, but there was not much in the way of “regular” communication. He’s a junior this year, and we’ve only had a meet-and-greet conversation with his advisor around the second week of school. Other than the Family Response intake form sent by e-mail from his newly assigned college counselor, there doesn’t seem to be a need for regular communication. All grades, schedules, term reports, news, student/faculty directory, etc. are available via the parent portal. It’s too bad your daughter’s school doesn’t have a portal; it goes a long way to helping you feel connected and in the know.</p>

<p>The type and regularity of communication may depend on the kid, too. Perhaps the school senses that your daughter is very independent and doing well, so they don’t see a need to communicate. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to reach our to your daughter’s advisor to discuss whatever is on your mind as long as it’s done in the spirit of partnership with her school.</p>

<p>Our family dynamic is such that we assume no news is good news. If we didn’t suggest that DS check in with us once in a while, we wouldn’t hear from him until stepped off the plane on breaks.</p>

8

<p>Good point, ChoatieMom. It hadn’t occurred to me that maybe the communication was scant because she’s a junior. But … Shouldn’t they be keeping us the loop with regard to SATs? About PSATs? About how to start the college process? We just haven’t heard any of that stuff, either.</p>

9

<p>It’s really only the kids who need to be in the testing/college process loop. The school will let them know when tests occur and what kind of prep is available. If you have to pay for these things, they will keep you in the loop. :wink: As for test scores, those go to the student, not the parent but, hopefully, your daughter will share her results.</p>

<p>At some point, I would think the school would reach out in some way to get your views about college–do you have any particular college(s) in mind, will you be applying for FA, that kind of thing. Choate does this through a form (I posted the questions here somewhere) and a meeting with your kid’s counselor at College Info Weekend. Does your daughter’s school have an event like that? </p>

<p>As for the application process, that belongs to the student and counselor as well. There really isn’t much for you to do besides review the list of colleges your daughter and her counselor craft, tour them if you/she want to, and determine if funds will limit choices.</p>

<p>What is your daughter telling you? Is she saying she has received no information or counseling thus far? I think THAT would be a problem.</p>

10

<p>Do schools take care of getting the kids registered for the tests? I would like our daughter to take the SATs this spring as a test run, but she wants no part of it. I just want to be sure I know how she is getting signed up. She tells us nothing. It’s hard to trust that things are just going to happen.</p>

11

<p>Are you in touch with your daughter’s advisor? They should be able to give you the info you want, or direct you to the right person for details about SAT’s for instance. I’m pretty sure most schools do all the arranging, prep, and payment for SAT tests. Trying to have your D tested outside the normal schedule for that school might be problematic.</p>

<p>As a comparison, my D’s school seems to communicate about the same as yours, which is not in too much detail. I get midterms and final grades/evaluations, a biweekly newsletter, and a letter twice a year from her advisor. However, there is a parent portal where I can see her schedule. I would certainly want that info available. I would have liked to have more communication with her houseparents but I’ve gotten used to it.</p>

12

<p>Just to make sure I understand correctly, your daughter is a new 11th grader not in junior boarding school? </p>

<p>If so, I would definitely be concerned if you have not received communication from the college counseling office yet. Most schools start very active college counseling in January of 11th grade with other communication starting either in 10th grade or early 11th grade. </p>

<p>My child’s school requires the student/family to arrange for SAT or ACT testing. The school arranges PSAT testing. If your daughter is in 11th grade, she should most definitely take an SAT/ACT test this spring. My child took it twice in 11th grade - during January and May. Many kids will also take subject tests in June. Taking the SAT tests in 11th grade takes some of the pressure off an already stressful Senior fall. It will give your daughter feedback on where her strengths and weaknesses are so that she might do some summer prep. If she does well, she might even be done before senior year starts, which would be super nice. My son had a few friends in that category, and yes, he was jealous! :slight_smile: </p>

<p>To me, it sounds like your daughter’s school is dropping the ball on communication. I think you should step in and proactively seek what you need. Reach out to the advisor. I would also consider giving “constructive feedback” to the Dean of Students and Dean of Academics on what you would find helpful as a parent of a boarding student. I would also proactively reach out to the college counselor and request either an in person or telephone meeting to discuss the college process and have your concerns and questions addressed. I don’t think this is too much to ask at all. </p>

<p>I think I have been a little more hands on in the college process than what Choatiemom describes, while still letting this be my child’s process and decisions. Perhaps its a difference in parenting style, or a difference in what each of our students is getting from their college counselors.</p>

13

<p>Yes, she is an 11th grader at a high school boarding school! Sorry if I wasn’t very clear on that. I <em>just</em> received an e-mail from her advisor letting us know that the school is starting the college counseling process. He only wrote because our daughter told him we couldn’t come to the parents night (which was last night, a Thursday) so he felt we should have more info. [There is no parents weekend in the spring semester, so we likely will never meet any of her teachers for this semester.] I have written back to him to find out more about the SAT process and the college/course counselling process. </p>

<p>I get the feeling the school never built a parent portal because they have so many local students. They’re almost like a public school in that respect. So they can rely on, I don’t know, hand-outs or something? Evening conversations with their kids? And parents can just pop in if they need to talk to someone. Our daughter tells us almost nothing unless we know to ask!</p>

<p>All of this makes me worry that they’ll think I’m a helicopter/pushy parent. But honestly, we aren’t expecting or pushing our daughter to go to any great college. Her grades, frankly, are way off the mark for that, and she “doesn’t like school” so we are very realistic in our expectations. Her attitude about college thus far has been that she doesn’t want to go (because she “hates learning”) but she says she will “because it’s the only way to get a good job.” We are probably the only parents of a boarding student in all the world’s history who tell their kid that really, it’s okay if they don’t want to go to college. It’s too expensive to do it just 'cuz. </p>

<p>So, yeah. We’d like to be consulted (or at least informed) about her class choices for senior year, and we’d like to have some sort of info (if not influence) on the SAT process. But where she ultimately chooses to apply and how the applications get done? All hers to own. Except we’ve told her she has to stick with places that are either state schools or which have similar tuition levels. We sure as heck aren’t paying a fortune for her to go to an expensive college “just cuz”!!!</p>

<p>Sorry, I needed to vent a bit, I guess. I’ll see if I can get someone to respond to me at the school. An earlier email to the guidance office has gone unanswered this week. Thanks for your advice!</p>

14

<p>AlicePalace, is it possible that some information given to your daughter did not get passed on to you? If she is in denial about the SATs and “hates learning,” could she be a “black hole” for communication on the topic?</p>

<p>Have you thought of encouraging her to consider a gap year after graduation, learning a trade, or working for a time before returning to an academic environment? </p>

<p>If you live too far away from campus to make a visit in person, I suggest setting up an appointment for a conversation on the phone with her college counselor. I think it would help a lot if the counselor knew your goals for your daughter’s post-graduation plans. If your emphasis is not, “get her into the best college possible,” but rather, “find the best post-graduation employment/plan of action,” the counselor should know that.</p>

<p>I would counsel against taking the tack of “all hers to own,” when your daughter really doesn’t want to go to college. It would be great if you could take on the role of encouraging her to create a plan for the time after high school, rather than allowing her to just drift into college “just cuz.” It’s expensive on many levels. For one, I gather that financial aid is much more generous for new freshmen than for transfer students. </p>

<p>She may do much better in college eventually, if she’s had some time to grow up and find a direction she likes. Many people do. You could encourage her to learn a marketable skill in a trade school after high school. There are also options like art school. Is she a serious artist? Might she be interested in enlisting in the armed forces?</p>

<p>Boarding schools do tend to enroll students and families who are <em>really</em> focused on college. That isn’t the only option, though. We try to tell our children that college is not an automatic rite of passage after high school. As I recall, when our eldest felt really pressured about the whole college thing (hmm, right around junior year), we told DC that college was not necessary. A plan for what to do after high school was, though. </p>

<p>Doing a quick search about Gap Years, I don’t know if it will fit the bill for you. There now seem to be many operations offering advice on gap years (for a price, naturally.) I have no idea which organization is legit or not. I think there is an important difference between a gap year before college, and making plans not to go to college, but to follow a different interest.</p>

15

<p>Alice - if you can afford the trip, you can make your own parents weekend. Pick a weekend with a home game or special event like a school play, extra plus if your kid is involved! Then contact your kids adviser, the college counselor, and a few key teachers and set up meetings (the faculty adviser can help!). I can guarantee that they will be accommodating and won’t think you are whining. Meet the head of school while you are at it. Oh - and the head of the parents asociation might also be a good person to contact. We do get regular communications from DS’s school, but it’s never really enough, is it? :)</p>

16

<p>College isn’t for everyone. I was just reminded of this when the bright, mature young woman who is my hairstylist told me the other day about how she was bored and never motivated in high school. She barely made it through to graduation, though she had passable grades… She got involved in a local vocational program, had a great mentor, and a few years later, is now the most sought after stylist in town at a very trendy salon ( I don’t know why I go there. I am definitely not trendy. Lol.). She loves her work, makes a very nice living, and drives a really cool car. “What more can you ask for?” said she. Indeed.</p>

17

<p>Even the President says that college isn’t the only way into the middle class. I feel like telling the kids, look, if you just skip the whole college thing, get good training and go get a job, I’ll give you a year’s tuition in cash. And maybe even a car. LOL It would be way cheaper than a college degree and they’d probably have a better shot at happiness and a job than if they went to college. Actually, I take that back. I think it’s true for our daughter, but not for our son. I think he’ll end up in mechanical engineering, and that means LOTS of college (and grad school).</p>

<p>We decided to explore boarding school for our daughter because she was sinking so badly in public school, we had to do something. Although it seemingly makes no sense to send an unmotivated, disengaged student to boarding school given the crazy expense, we figured if we didn’t make the investment NOW to salvage these educational years, she would really be in bad shape, future-wise. I think the independence at school has done her a WORLD of good, and although she’s still nowhere near being someone who could be called an “eager learner,” she is making some headway. </p>

<p>Our situation is so different from most folks here on this board. Nevertheless, we all have entrusted our children to these institutions, and we all hope for the same thing in the end: A happy, engaged, productive life for them. However they define it.</p>

18

<p>A little late for this, but some places (like where I live) have pretty amazing technical high schools that directly prepare students for skilled jobs or for college, depending on the field.</p>

19

<p>So true, twinsmama! I couldn’t get either kid excited about that option, unfortunately. Especially my daughter!</p>

20

<p>I think it’s kinda sad when kids are forced to go to college when they really arent interested. I know a young woman who would like very much to be a stylist and when I asked her why not, she said, “because stylist aren’t respected”, to which i replied, “well, i respect mine!” I also respect my electrician and plumber and mechanic. </p>