score/critique my essay

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1

<p>Please score/critique/revise my essay. I need any help or suggestions I can get. If you search my previous threads, you could find 2 other essay i wrote. Here is my third:</p>

<p>Prompt:</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.</p>

<p>Given the importance of human creativity, one would think it should have a high priority among our concerns. But if we look at the reality, we see a different picture. Basic scientific research is minimized in favor of immediate practical applications. The arts are increasingly seen as dispensable luxuries. Yet as competition heats up around the globe, exactly the opposite strategy is needed.</p>

<p>Adapted from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention </p>

<p>Is creativity needed more than ever in the world today? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>An artist draws with creativity and a scientist approaches a problem with flexibility. Everything in this world needs creativity in order to reach its potential. A thrilling novel without a twisted ending is not a thrilling novel. A scientist focusing too much on a specific area will never think outside the bubble. The world today needs creativity for a vibrant, innotative world. </p>

<p>The Great Gatsby shows this creative aspect. In the book, Nick is set in an American society. He embarks on a sort of adventure with deceit, revenge, love, posperity, and hate. The book becomes thought-provoking when the mistress is killed in a car accident. It is during this climax that allows for a creative twist and also add to the flavor of the book. Without a strong creativity in climax, every book becomes bland. </p>

<p>Scientist today have used a creativity side to invent new things. For a long time in medicine, focus has been placed heavily on chemistry and trying to invent new medicine with the materials we have. When scientist become creative and start to look at exotic plants in Africa or even sharks, the medical research opens a new door for innovative idea. </p>

<p>The study of sharks in research is an innovative idea. With the imagination of researchers, looked into the cartilage and oil of sharks. The oil of sharks has evolved into a huge cancer research. With the imagination and creativity, research of shark/cancer research is made possible. </p>

<p>Because of creataivity, innovative ideas have become reality. If new ideas are not thought of, we would never have the luxury of new ideas. The father of modern science is a creative person. He visioned airplanes and other luxury we have today. If we were the uncreative, stubborn people who had imprisoned the father of modern science, we as the modern world would remain like ancient times.</p>

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<p>bump...........</p>

3

<p>You need more detail/explanation. A couple of well explained examples are much better than briefly or vaguely describing many examples. You can spend less time on your intro and conclusion.</p>

4

<p>dont forget to mention your examples in your intro. also, as writonthetransom said, try to use more detail in your examples and give specific examples.</p>

5

<p>With the examples I wrote, how would you revise it and give it more detail.</p>

6

<p>An artist draws with creativity and a scientist approaches a problem with flexibility. Everything in this world (too ambiguous) needs creativity in order to reach its (try not to use it) potential. A thrilling novel without a twisted ending is not a thrilling novel (akward phrasing...a horse isn't a horse unless it's a horse..you could rephrase with something like Without a twisted ending, a thrilling novel loses quality.). A scientist focusing too much on a specific area will never think outside the bubble (no cliches or colloquialisms). The world today needs creativity for a vibrant, innotative world. (reapeated world...rephrase like In order to be vibrant and innovative, the world needs creativity.)</p>

<p>The Great Gatsby (try to state author with book if you can remember) shows this creative aspect. (Be more clear w. an opening sentence) In the book, Nick (who is Nick?) is set in an American society. He embarks on a sort of adventure (a sort of an adventure? just say adventure or use an adj.) with deceit, revenge, love, posperity, and hate(adventure with deceit etc. sounds akward...maybe involving is a better word....and if you're going to say all these examples..you should explain them..maybe cute down on all the aspects of the adventure). The book becomes thought-provoking when the mistress (what mistress?) is killed in a car accident. (delete..It is) during this climax, <a href="delete..that">Fitzgerald</a> allows for a creative twist and also add[s] to the flavor of the book (cliche/colloquialism). Without a strong creativity in climax, every book becomes bland. (strong generalization...be careful)</p>

<p>Scientist today have used a creativity side (creativity side sounds weird) to invent new things. For a long time in medicine, focus has been placed (no passive tense..use active....focus has been placed is passive..you mean to say....Medicine has heavily focused on...) heavily on chemistry and trying to invent new medicine with the materials we have. (try to avoid personal pronouns) When scientist become creative and start to look at exotic plants in Africa or even sharks, the medical research opens a new door for innovative idea. (or even sharks sounds weird...something like look @ exotic plants in Africa or powerful sharks in the Pacific)</p>

<p>The study of sharks in research is an innovative idea. (too repetitive) With (maybe use researchers' imaginations?) the imagination of researchers, [they]looked into (try phrase othe than looked into) the cartilage and oil of sharks. The [research on the] oil of sharks [stop saying oil of sharks..just make it a noun...shark oil] has evolved into a huge cancer research [rephrase as research on cancer]. With the(don't need the) imagination and creativity, research of shark/cancer (no abbreviations....shark and cancer) research is made possible. (passive tense..needs to be active)</p>

<p>Because of creataivity, innovative ideas have become reality. If new ideas are not thought of (passive), we (personal pronoun) would never have the luxury of new ideas (repeated ideas). The father of modern science is a creative person. (Can only be a man?...a woman reading won't like that) He visioned airplanes and other luxury we have today. If we (personal pronoun) were the uncreative, stubborn people who had imprisoned the father of modern science, we as the modern world would remain like ancient times.</p>

<ul>
<li>I kinda like the closing but overall the essay seems choppy.</li>
<li>Good work but keep working at it</li>
<li>Overall..watch your verb tense (make sure it's consistent and correct)

<ul>
<li>also watch your plural/singular nouns....there were a lot of places where I just kept reading but I was distracted when you say things like "He visioned airplaneS (plural) and other luxury (singular) we have today"</li>
</ul></li>
</ul>

<p>-Alvy</p>

7

<p>Overall I think its fairly good, although there are a few things I thought of that could be better:
- change the word "innovation" to some synononym every now and then. It gets very repetative
- "The world today needs creativity for a vibrant, innotative world." that sentence needs some re-arranging! Something like "Today's world needs creativity in order to be vibrant and innovative." would be better, I think.
- explain the Gatsby example better. I don't get whats so creative about a car crash, for example.
- "When scientist become creative and start to look at exotic plants in Africa or even sharks" sounds like those scientists are being very creative, to even look at exotic plants in sharks!
- "opens a new door for innovative idea." Should be ideas, plural. There are also similar mistakes in other places.
- "With the imagination of researchers, looked into the cartilage and oil of sharks." That sentence has something wrong with it.
- "research of shark/cancer research" I think the first research is unnecessary. Otherwise, its the research of research.
- The whole father or modern science thing. Just doesn't make sense, really. Who is this father? Just a creative person? Its a bit confusing with the tenses there too, I think. </p>

<p>I like the examples you use, especially the shark one. Interesting.</p>

8

<p>thanks for the huge amount of tips and suggestions. It will definitely help me in some ways on the next essay I write. I'll be sure to review your suggestions more carefully and maybe i'll post my next essay and see if i've done better.</p>