Score my essay please?

<p>This is an practice I wrote for the the CB online prep class. I don't trust the computerized essay scoring CB provides. It does not grade accurately since it would often give 6 essays from that CB provides as examples 4s. I suspect it grades on word count -_-....</p>

<p>Topic</p>

<p>If we valued honesty, we would be willing to risk our jobs to become whistleblowers and tell truths that our employers did not want revealed. If we valued success, we would give up our free time in order to excel in a subject or sport. In other words, the sacrifices we are willing to make reveal what we care about the most.</p>

<p>Can what we value be determined only by what we sacrifice? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay</p>

<p>Sacrifice in many situations is indeed the only way to deterwine what one values. Often times, people are presented with choices that force them to compromise. The sacrifice made in such a decision testifies to what people value. This fact is exemplified in literature, especially in Aldous Huxley's Brave New World and the Russian novel One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.</p>

<p>Brave New World is the story of a futuristic Utopian world. People no longer suffer from fear of death, disease, or desire. Man has been split into artificial castes: alphas, betas, gammas, deltas, and epsilons. People are free to abuse drugs and copulate with whomever they wish. However, one man, John the Savage, desires more in his life. Coming from a reservation, one of the few places where people are still able to live amongst nature, John sees all this science as a disease upon humanity. While these humans have no diseases of the flesh, their souls have rotted beyond cure. Ultimately, John confronts the Controller, the master of this artificial world, and is faced with the choice between reclaiming his humanity and existing in this synthetic metropolis. Even the promise of drunken bliss, constant youth, and copulation are not strong enough to sway his mind. He willingly sacrifices these obvious benefits for the preservation of his soul, showing that he values, above all, his humanity.</p>

<p>While Brave New world demonstrates a young man's sacrifice for the sake of his own humanity, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich demonstrates the sacrifice a camp worker is willing to make for his gang boss. In One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, the reader is introduced to Shukhov,the story's protagonist. The camp rules are strict and harsh, but the prisoners somehow manage to survive. A smart gang boss can secure good ration and safe work and will help look after you in tight situations. For these reasons, Shukhov is willing to risk his freedom to obey his boss's orders. Upon his boss's orders, Shukhov willingly goes along with another prisoner to steal a roll of felting. Although such a meager crime may not seem worthy of punishment, it could mean an extra ten years in a gulag. While Shukhov desires his freedom and family, he is willing to risk it all upon his gang boss's command, demonstrating how much he values the words of his gang leader.</p>

<p>All people have things that they value, whether it be humanity or the words of one's gang boss. However, it is only when we are willing to sacrifice for these things that they are proven to be truly valuable.</p>

<p>I would say 5 or 6.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position</p>

<ul>
<li>is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth progression of ideas</li>
<li>exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary</li>
<li>demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure</li>
<li>is free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics
______________</li>
<li> effectively develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates strong critical thinking, generally using appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position</li>
<li>is well organized and focused, demonstrating coherence and progression of ideas</li>
<li>exhibits facility in the use of language, using appropriate vocabulary</li>
<li>demonstrates variety in sentence structure</li>
<li>is generally free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics
_
_____</li>
</ul></li>
</ul>

<p>I agree with the 5/6 rating.</p>

<p>well i think that the online essay grader is only off by a few points.</p>

<p>the online grading is always off by like 1 or 2 pts. So take into account that if you got a 5 essay online, it actually means 6. 4 usually mean 5 and so on...</p>

<p>According to marking criteria, I would say your essay above deserve a 5/6.</p>

<p>5/6 man......</p>

<p>If I were one of the graders, I would give this essay a definite 6. Although I thought your Brave New World example was a little "tender", considering the time-constraint, it was a great example to use for your excellentely developed thesis.</p>