<p>My D went off to a college 6 hours away and I thought it was going to be the best thing for her. She was very independent in HS. And pretty responsible -- aside from the occasional lost bus pass and misplaced text book. A city kid with lots of freedom.
Pretty much every week, I'm still getting the MOM BOMB calls. Crying. Sad. She's making all A's and professes to not wanting to transfer. Stubbornly holding on, but miserable.<br>
She has found some friends. She has even found friends to share an apartment next year. She says she has met some of the most fascinating people at school. But still, she is miserable so much of the time.<br>
Is this normal freshman year stuff? I try to remember to breathe, be encouraging and wait, and most of the time she and I both know her miserable mood will pass. But it is still so frequent.<br>
I'm wondering if I should pull her out and make her wait a year. Encourage her to find an apartment here and work until she is a bit more emotionally stable.
She's always been emotional…I just thought it would get better in college. It hasn't. Normal???? I'm so confused how to parent from such a distance and with such a sad D. HELP!</p>
<p>If you believe that there is a medical or mental health issue, then it seems like the thing to do is to get her to seek professional assistance.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that you may be getting a very biased sample, so you might have a skewed perception of what’s really going on. You may be the person that she tells all the bad things to, and very little of the good things. You may hear all of the emotional drama, but you don’t get to see her normal day-to-day activities.</p>
<p>What sorts of things is she calling you about? If she’s reacting to things in a similar way that she did in high school, I don’t know if I’d be overly concerned about it. Personalities don’t typically change drastically over a couple of months, but if you think she’s devolving, it might be worth trying to intervene. I wouldn’t try to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do, unless you have good reason to, because it could very well be nothing.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, my parents have always seen me as very emotional and sensitive, while my friends have always seen me as incredibly stable and even-tempered. The reason? My parents get the meltdowns, and my friends get the supportive rock. You know your daughter better than anyone, but try to see if what you’re hearing is an emotional breakdown or just venting.</p>
<p>I would encourage her to go to the campus mental health facility and find someone to talk to. It might help her to have a disinterested party to vent to and help her sort out her feelings. My D meets weekly with a counselor to help her sort out her anxiety issues and it has helped enormously. </p>
<p>I agree with both Bak and Meg. One of my favorite CC quotes is that DCs always “pass the drama to the mama”. You may be getting a very biased slice, because you are the vent. DD goes off and feels better, and you now own the misery.</p>
<p>That said, college is a very stressful time and latent anxiety and depression issues can emerge. College counseling is a great way to manage these issues and understand if there is a bigger problem.</p>
<p>She couldn’t be getting As if she wasn’t emotionally stable. Maybe she is high strung like my younger daughter. D2 is super organized and very put together in front of her friends (they’ve told me). With me, she’ll just let it all hang out. She’ll cry on the phone when she is too stressed. It could be too much homework, waiting for that important paper, her best friend is acting up, problem with her new boyfriend. Since she is my second, I have learned to just listen and pretend to be sympathetic. I would usually text her next day to see how she is doing or she doesn’t contact me again I would assume she is over it. D2 is in her second year, so I get fewer of those phone calls now. </p>
<p>As long as she is keeping up her grades, is socializing and have friends, then I wouldn’t worry about it. My kid also feel more comfortable in dumping on me because she could trust me not to blab to her friends. Your D could also be the same. </p>
<p>Next time she calls you with the drama I think in a very adult way you need to tell her that her phone calls are disturbing you and make you fell bad afterwords. You need to tell her that you understand and appreciate her sharing the good and the bad but perhaps you could use alittle less of the “bad.” That you are there for her, but you would equally appreciate phone calls when things are going well. We all want our “moms” when the going get tough and that never ends, but adults can also learn to filter the information they share with other adults including our parents.</p>
<p>I don’t think I would ever tell my kids, no matter how old they are, that their calls are disturbing to me. I would rather know how they are doing than to have them hold it in. D1 used to call me for every little thing while in college. We worked through many difficult issues, which included relationship breakups. Now she is 25, she has a steady BF who is providing a soft place for her to fall. I was that for her for many years. </p>
<p>She’s getting great grades, she’s made friends, met some great people…what is she upset about? I would never discourage a child from calling and venting, but with my son, on the occasion when the calls start to feel like a venting session, I let him purge…get it all out…and then ask him to tell me about one fun/exciting/interesting thing that happened that week. There’s never not been something that he can share…even after the most stressful weeks. For my own piece of mind, I need to end our phone calls on a positive note.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the supportive insights. It is hard to know what is really drama and what is more. I am worried about depression – and she is very anti-counseling for some odd reason. I’m thinking of telling her that the next time she calls me sobbing she will also be calling the counseling center – and signing up for a yoga class. Teaching self-regulation is really hard when college pretty much has very few limits of its own. </p>
<p>Another of big problem is that some of her friends are using heroin. She won’t do it and shows no signs of using. She finds them to be very difficult when they are high, so she has created some distance from them. She says she hangs out with them when they aren’t using, but they are a very unstable which sets her off. She is so lonely – and heroin-using friends contribute. </p>
<p>I didn’t realize heroin was so big on campus. It is very sad and dangerous. I feel for those kids, a few of whom I’ve met – and they are smart, quirky kids from “good” homes. What is it about heroin that they love so much? </p>
<p>So, her drama is in part caught up in the drama of others. Her drama is losing things, forgetting things until the last minute, feeling left out, not getting enough sleep/money, etc. and simply being sad. The drama of heroin may just be the tipping point – it sure would tip me!</p>
<p>I am very concerned for your daughter’s involvement with friends that use heroin. Very. Can you make a visit to see her, talk to her? Can she switch dorms, roommates, whatever to get away from the heroin culture. She is better off taking a semester off to get away from this scene than trying heroin even once. Somehow, you need to help her remove herself entirely from this situation and these friends even if she stays on campus. I hope that she isn’t more involved than she states. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is a tough situation to guide a student through.</p>
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<p>YOWZAA!! I was reading along, and this stopped me dead in my tracks. I am more easy-going about [some kinds of] drug use than most people on CC–the idea of S smoking pot doesn’t bother me in the least–but heroin is a whole 'nother ball game. That is a lifelong ball and chain. That is flirting with death.</p>
<p>I agree completely with naviance. Step in NOW to assess how close she is to the heroin culture, and if these people are more than acquaintances, get her away from them.</p>
<p>My daughter is very very dramatic, but that is her personality. I can get a text from her that says " I am devastated" only to find her laughing and happy when I pick her up 30 minutes later. Everybody knows their child.
I also believe that kids may tell you all of the bad and none of the good, leading you to believe that things are always bad. I am no expert, but the fact that her grades are good leads me to believe that she is doing ok emotionally. </p>
<p>That being said, I am very concerned about the heroin. She needs to be removed from that situation immediately. Heroin is becoming very popular and in recent weeks I have heard a lot of horror stories. It’s cheap ( from what I hear) and easy to get. Lots of kids from " good" families get involved in drugs. This is a very tough situation. </p>
<p>I was going to suggest that perhaps her moods were hormonal but the heroin issue puts the situation in a whole new light. Frankly, I would be terrified if my kid’s friends were doing heroin and I have no suggestions about what to do in that situation. She still may be having a hormonal mood issues but I think her friends are a much bigger problem.</p>
<p>My confident, capable 17 yo falls apart a few days each month because of hormones. It took me a while to figure out the issue. Last month we started her on high quality fish oil and preventative ibuprofen a few days before her period begins for the physical symptoms. The small changes seem to have helped tremendously. And for DD, it is a relief to understand that the emotions were hormone related and not some other issue.</p>
<p>The fact that she is talking to you about these things is a plus. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>Just listen. That is what she wants you to do. </p>
<p>ETA…I’m a little bothered that you refer to your daughter as “insane” in your thread title. She needs a loving ear to vent. That does NOT make her insane.</p>
<p>I don’t disagree with people who say let her vent, but I also think that drama ridden kids are akin to tatrum throwing little children or adults who vent and dump on people then blithely walk away happy that they got it “off their chest” and I happen to be someone who didn’t like tantrum throwing either and really doesn’t enjoy being around venting and dumping people because I will internalize the reactions of other people when it’s one on one…doesn’t mean I’m a cold person or that I don’t love my children. If it’s bothering this mother she has every right to share with her young adult how it impacts her…</p>
<p>The heroin thing. OMG, she needs to distance herself from those people ASAP. </p>
<p>YOWZAA!! I was reading along, and this stopped me dead in my tracks. I am more easy-going about [some kinds of] drug use than most people on CC–the idea of S smoking pot doesn’t bother me in the least–but heroin is a whole 'nother ball game. That is a lifelong ball and chain. That is flirting with death.</p>
<p>Drug/ alcohol use could make her more emotionally labile.
I agree she needs to get into a counselor, asap.</p>
<p>Ok so the heroin thing just threw me through a loop. Perhaps your D is really upset because she knows that her “friends” are people she doesn’t really want to hang out with. Or she knows that because she doesn’t “use” that they won’t be around for long. Freshman year in college is tough because it takes time to find your “group”. She has found herself surrounded by a group that she appears to have little in common with, but sticks with because she has no other alternatives yet. They also might be pressuring her to use as well.</p>
<p>The whole heroin thing would freak anyone out - did she know anyone in high school like this? She is probably scared and homesick. I know that would have been too much for me freshman year, heroin is an ugly drug. If you can, go see your D. Sounds like she might need her parents right now.</p>
<p>And one more thing, I would make very, very sure that the people she is sharing the apartment with next year are not the friends doing heroin.</p>
<p>You say she’s found friends with whom to share an apartment next year. For both your sakes, I hope these aren’t the same friends who are using heroin. That could create some miserable problems that wouldn’t be of her making, but might have permanent consequences for her.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s hard to judge when our kids are just dumping and when there might actually be a problem that requires us to take action. All three of my kids are accomplished dumpers and I’m always asking myself if they’re giving me an accurate picture or if they just need to vent.</p>
<p>Your feelings count, too. I would say (have said), “I’m worried because I don’t know how serious this is. I can’t do much more than listen on the phone. I want you to call a counselor to discuss this with.” Then we’d have a conversation about that - what their friends said about counseling services, what else they might have tried instead of counseling. I tried to spell out for them how anxious I felt when they seemed so negative, and they did seem to respond by being more sensitive about it (until the next setback, anyway). They’re all out of school now and there are far fewer negative conversations. I’d always rather hear what’s on their mind than not. But as you’re both adults now, she can process that you have feelings, too.</p>
<p>We did not allow either of our kids to live OFF campus until they were juniors. Both turned 21 that year. Until they were 21, we paid for them to live in the dorms. And this was non-negotiable. If they had wanted to I’ve off campus as sophomores, they would have had to pick up the over $10,000 a year tab to do so. Both went to college in expensive areas.</p>
<p>Sure, kids can get into trouble in the dorms, but I would be less worried with this student if she were in the dorm where at least there are SOME enforced rules. </p>