<p>Once again, I thank you for your insight. For sure, fiends with whom she is living next year – all non-users. D made a close connection to the main heroin user (H-girl from here out) prior to finding out she was using…so yes, she did form a close bond before she found out her friend is in such a terrible spot.
We do talk about this openly. I’ve even visited with the friend to suss out what kind of danger she is in. D even wrote a letter to the parents of H-girl to let them know what serious trouble their d is in.<br>
Freshman year is volatile enough without this awful situation. I’m not there and can’t make her stay away from H-girl. She loves some aspects of school and tells me so – but I think H has become a huge issue in her stability.<br>
Has anyone else had their S or D refuse counseling? How did you go about convincing them? Plus I think she is afraid if she confides with a counselor about H-girl, the school will take action.
Normal drama of lost keys and late assignments is one thing – this isn’t something I was prepared for at all…and seems to be very prevalent. </p>
<p>@goldnone</p>
<p>Similar situation. I went from my home San Diego away to college my freshman year in the state of Washington. I heard that same type of behavior you mentioned in a lot of kids that went away to places, with not as many sunny days as San Diego, were the same way, and many came back mid semester, after fall semester and many after a year. My parents got me a sun Lamp and vitamin d pills, which surprisingly helped. I was the same way with my mom, but spring semester, my parents gave me the option to come home and go to school, study abroad, or go back. The decision was mine, and I ultimately decided to go back my spring semester, to prove to myself I could do this. I succeeded, but ultimately decided to transfer back to California, still living always from home, for my sophomore year. What I think is that going away way harder that I ever thought and what I thought in wanted in college, my 5 nonnegotiables, had actually changed… Something I would never have known had I not had that experience. </p>
<p>Fast forward, it was hard to start over and I felt like a loser then doing so, initially, but my mom said that change is hard and for me to realize I was at a place and I wasn’t happy, and then to realize that and commit to making a change and doing so, was a very adult decision and that is one thing that college is about … Decisions </p>
<p>So today I have different nonnegotiables for me for college and I am so much happier, especially this semester. My mom recently asked me, if I knew now what I knew then, how would my first year be different and I just smiled and said a lot… and, that I wouldn’t be here , in such a good place, unless I was there and in not so great a place. And if I left early my freshman year, in retrospect, I wouldn’t have learned and grown so much. I would say that just what my mom and parents did… Be there, support. your daughter, listen, give good advice, find resources on campus if she need to talk to someone, maybe in health services and or counseling an old hs counselor or anyone to let her know that it will be ok. Also have her talk to her ra. Or anyone there she has a good relationship with. Anyways, hope that helps a little. Also is she on any regular medication, maybe the pill even, that could also be making her more emotional, just a thought to maybe check and change.</p>
<p>Good luck:)</p>
<p>There is assumed expectation at her college, due to overcrowding in the dorms, that people move out after their first year. </p>
<p>I was really confused by the “insane” in the title. Do you think there is a mental health issue, and if you do, would you use that word?</p>
<p>I don’t think a kid who is depressed and miserable should be prevented from venting to the mom, but the mom can suggest counseling or even a medication, which can even be through a primary care doctor in the case of ADHD or depression.</p>
<p>Please folks, good grades and even great grades are NOT proof of emotional health. Not at all.</p>
<p>Freshman year is tough for everyone but often a turning point happens around now. If she is still depressed or “emotional” (the way she was in high school) then good grades, good friends and great activities may not impact or reflect how she feels inside. Chances are that the presence of family was a safe floor for her and also helped regulate her emotional life to some extent. My own feeling is that the mom should continue that role while the daughter gets settled, but in a training wheels fashion versus crutch. And at some point a professional can provide a bridge away from the mom, when the student is ready.</p>
<p>This kind of misery is something to take seriously and investigate and monitor, but pulling her out might increase her misery and add to it feelings of failure. If you ever feel her life is in danger, though, by all means pull her out.</p>
<p>It sounds like she may have ADHD (lost things etc.), depression or even bipolar tendencies, which come in several flavors and levels of seriousness. I would definitely try to get her evaluated by a psychiatrist, beginning with the ADHD. She may not tolerate it, but that is what should happen, and it would be better if it happened outside of the school, privately. Then register her with the disabilities office for time management and other supports.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like you should immediately travel to the school, rent a motel room for a week, and be there for her and get a better idea of what is going on. </p>
<p>Perhaps she should transfer to another school to get away from the heroin friends.</p>
<p>Yo. Folks, this is obviously a ■■■■■ posting. I would advise not responding any more. (only 4 posts. use of the word “insane” to describe daughter, now the heroin thing thrown in there… definitely a ■■■■■.)</p>
<p>I am thinking not (a ■■■■■).</p>
<p>What college requires sophomores to live off campus? I’d like the answer to THAT question. BC used to have insufficient on campus housing, but I believe it was junior year that was affected. As I noted, most sophomores are well under 21 years of age. Renting off campus apartments is sometimes more difficult. In addition, most colleges would not force this on sophomore students.</p>
<p>Definitely not a ■■■■■, people. Wish this all wasn’t true, but it is. Came to CC because I couldn’t really find much else that used a forum for parents whose kids are in college. She’s coming home today fir spring break. I am that pivotal point of having to do “something” just wanted some objective viewpoints as to what that “something” should be. </p>
<p>My D was kind of like that during her freshman year and even the beginning of sophomore year. One time, I asked her if she still felt like her school was the right one for her. She responded “of course it is!” She wanted to know why I would ask that. I told her that every time she called or sent me texts she was really upset about something. I asked if she was just contacting me when she was feeling down but she felt good most of the time or if she was really down all the time? She realized she was only contacting me when she was feeling down and ‘needed mom’. NOW, she texts the good and the bad and we talk more randomly, not just when something negative has happened. I do rest easily when I haven’t heard from her in a while because that definitely means things are going well. I definitely hear about it if something goes awry. </p>
<p>It sounds like the H-girl heroin user has really tugged at your D’s heart. At my D’s college smoking cigarettes is a common ‘group thing’ to start. Maybe more going on, but D not interested or exposed. Neighbor parent of mine (at same college as my D) is even embarrassed at S for smoking with frat boys (he thought he could just be social with them, not realizing how addicting it was).</p>
<p>Maybe other behaviors are going on at school that are disturbing her (hearing a lot about sex on first dates, drinking, other things).</p>
<p>Since D wants to stay at school and is doing academically well. What are her objections to seeing a counselor?</p>
<p>While D is home, you can have some long talks. If she seems depressed, maybe follow getting into an appt for evaluation.</p>
<p>I agree with others that if she wants to vent to you and just is seeking out a listener who will stay confidential; or is she venting to you because she is hoping for you to ‘rescue’ her?</p>
<p>I am glad when my D tells me what is going on and how she is handling. When she asks for advice. She knows her dad and I have her best interests at heart and we do treat her like the adult she is.</p>
<p>Is the place making her unhappy or is the transitional life making her unhappy but she will work it out? Maybe she is not able to block out some of the poor choices some around her are making.</p>
<p>Maybe something more is going on and she does not even realize how it is affecting her. What do you know about other freshman happiness at the school who perhaps grew up in similar env’t as your D?</p>
<p>Good luck and let us hear how it is going.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There are colleges which have no on-campus housing at all, so all students have to live off-campus.</p>
<p>There are presumably other colleges which only have enough on-campus housing for frosh, so that others are not guaranteed space in the on-campus housing.</p>
<p>Lots of kids do not want to see counselors because they are embarrassed or feel that the counselors are authority figures ad that they would be judged. Maybe one way to convince her to try is to suggest that figuring out how best to deal with H girl, and how she feels about H girl, is something a counselor could help with. In this way she could try talking to a counselor without it being her “fault” or failing. Once the conversation starts, and she finds a counselor she likes and respects, she might be able to talk about the other things in her life. </p>
<p>I was able to get my tightly wound, anxious, overachiever DD to talk to a sports therapist about how to calm down before competitions. These turned out to be useful skills and techniques to calm down before tests, or if when something went wrong, etc. Improving her sports competition was never that important to me, but she was more open to it than counseling to address her general anxiety issues. </p>
<p>Hugs to you. This is not easy. </p>
<p>What part of the country are you from and what part of the country does your D attend college?
I ask because we are from SoCal and DD went to college in the northeast and she got severe seasonal affective disorder (basically depression from the changes in amount of sunshine). Could it be seasonal affective disorder?</p>
<p>My D is 12 hours away (by car) and only 3 (by air) & suffers from chronic anxiety. There were many teary phone calls during her first year, however, she never said “I want to go home!” We (DH and I) made it a point to go up and visit frequently (every 4-6 weeks) for a weekend, no agenda/no timetable, just meet for coffee/lunch, go for a walk, shop, relax together. If she called in between visits, upset or crying, I was able to remind her that we would be up there in xx weeks to check-in with her. </p>
<p>When you speak with her about getting counseling, if she brings up that she doesn’t want to have to tell the counselor about H-girl, this is what you can tell her, “Think this through. If H-girl did not want people to know, he/she would not have let you know. There is every possibility that on some level H-girl does want to get caught. The counselor will be able to help you sort that out.”</p>
<p>On sophomores having to move off campus: The medium-sized public U that Happykid attends doesn’t even fully guarantee on-campus housing for freshmen. Some students who enroll late don’t get spaces. Many sophomores move off campus, and by junior year, very few other than RAs manage to find housing on campus. Junior transfers from the state community colleges haven’t a prayer of getting on-campus housing unless they arrive for second semester.</p>
<p>She’s home and I had “the talk” within first 12 hours. She was resistant, which I expected, but I hope the seeds are planted for better conversations and more thought throughout the week. All your insights and perspectives have been encouraging and helpful. I don’t think she will distance herself from h-girl, though. Too much compassion for her friend and seeing past her use to who h-girl is beneath the smear of H. Told her the only outcome of pursuing the relationship will be is a broken heart…or betrayal. </p>
<p>My kid stayed through a serious drug addiction and recovery with a friend who is still one of her closest. The troubles spanned 3 years so I understand where your daughter is coming from. The friend is one of the most insightful, loyal people underneath.</p>
<p>I think her moving off campus with a group that is not involved with drugs will make a huge difference. Dealing with a friend who is exposing her to heroin, is a lot for a young girl away from home for the first time to deal with. I would also suggest a part time job next year. I did that my last 2 years in college and it made all the difference in the world. You meet new people and you feel so much less hemmed in by campus life. Many of my friends moved off for junior and senior year but my parents would not allow me to join them. They wanted me on campus all 4 years. The part time job really opened up my world.</p>
<p>I feel for you…</p>
<p>My D is high drama too, and had an awful roommate situation last year. She was in a 2-bedroom suite arrangement and things were not great, but okay first semester. At the beginning of 2nd semester a transfer moved in. The girl did drugs and brought different boys home every night. My D couldn’t sleep because she felt unsafe with strange guys in the apartment. She didn’t like the drug use (I’ve forgotten what drug it was – not heroine and not pot). One day, the girl met a guy on the internet in the morning, and brought him home that night. D overnighted with a friend and called me fairly distraught. I told her that I knew there were resources on campus that could help, that she was NOT over-reacting by feeling in danger, and asked her who could help on campus. (BTW, her friends were ALL telling her that she was over-reacting.) She then remembered one of her professors who had given them a list of numbers, including his own, telling them under what circumstances to call whom, and if they didn’t know who to call, to call him. So she did. He told her that she had to get out of that room NOW, that she was in physical danger, and told her who to contact. Thankfully, she listened to him. </p>
<p>You might want to check the school’s drug policy. I know if drugs had been discovered in the apartment, all the girls would have been considered equally guilty. (Not sure if your D’s roommate is also experimenting or if it’s her non-roommate friend(s).) If that’s the case, it will be adding to your D’s (understandable) anxiety.</p>
<p>I always wanted a little reminder sign stating “Who’s problem is this?” at every phone, so that I’d remember my job was to listen, maybe ask leading questions, and NOT to solve.</p>