self esteem issues

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello,
I am posting this because I have been plagued with a problem: self esteem and confidence. This has always been an issue for me throughout my life, although I have always been a very successful person. Currently I am attending one of the best schools in the country, am doing very well in school, have found a major I love,I have lots of friends, and am heavily involved in campus. On the surface this perplexes me, because I really do not have a reason to not be confident. </p>

<p>I just notice this constantly that my happiness is not dependent on me, which I reason it should. I take small things very hard and have trouble handling criticism. </p>

<p>It is not only me that notices this flaw in myself. While casually discussing for an essay what our biggest flaws were, I asked a good friend and he said that I care too much about what people think and should be more confident.</p>

<p>I also notice that I am very self destructive in terms of my life and different interpersonal relationships. I sometimes alienate my friends and will just go days without answering my phone and ignoring people. I also get worried that when I am meeting someone for lunch or whatever that they will not show up, or someone will not call me to do something when they say they will. I have even gone as far as to be purposely late so that I will not have to be waiting there by myself. None of this makes any sense and is irrational, but I guess I have that little confidence in myself. </p>

<p>Other sorts of relationships are also bad, and I have never had a serious relationship with a member of the opposite sex, because of this lack of confidence. Even when all of my friends tell me to ask a girl out and that she is totally into me, I balk and say she is just being friendly or that they are looking too into it. Even if girls give me all of the attention in the world, I ignore them and just do not want to be bothered, because I can not accept the idea that a girl would like ME, which really is such a warped viewpoint, and I realize this, because I have a good personality, am in all modesty good looking, etc. One girl in particular asked me out, and then something came up for her which was an emergency and I took it in the worst, most selfish way, and stopped talking to the girl, even though I was crazy about her.</p>

<p>I also worry that I really do not have friends, and all of this when combined with my job/schoolwork/clubs sometimes leaves me just crying in my room on the weekends. </p>

<p>None of this has gotten to the point of altering my life in such a negative way that I have to live my life in a different way, but I really would just like to be truly happy for once and not worry so much and be happy to be in my own skin. Confidence is just something I want so badly, but I feel like as time goes by it becomes more difficult to attain.</p>

<p>If anything, it just feels a bit better to type all of this out.</p>

2

<p>Wow...that's a lot. First let me say that you are very self aware for someone your age. That is a rare thing in itself. </p>

<p>It sounds like sometimes that self awareness goes a bit too far with you and that you tend to overthink things. When you say in your last paragraph "I really would just like to be truly happy for once" what is it that you don't have you are trying to attain? Do you have an idea in your mind of what truly happy would look like? </p>

<p>Sometimes, for me, it helps to realize that everyone is going through their own struggles in life. Even the people who seem to me to be confident and have everything going for them have internal struggles or things going on that I know nothing about. No one is perfect. </p>

<p>If these feelings persist in a way that they interfere with your daily life, you might try talking to someone in your school's counseling center. </p>

<p>I'm not sure if my comments are at all helpful, but I hope they are and that some of the other parents on the board will chime in!</p>

3

<p>Cavalier, you may not believe this, but MOST people, even the ones who appear to be self-confident, even <em>gasp</em> adults, have doubts about themselves at one time or another. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. </p>

<p>What most of us do is act AS IF we have self-confidence, even when our minds are saying, "Wow, what a bumbling idiot I am." If you act AS IF long enough, eventually you find other people start believing that you are confident. So, ask yourself this: if you were acting AS IF you were self-confident, what would you be doing differently?</p>

<p>However, if you feel that you are slipping into depression, overwhelmed, or unable to cope, the truth is a bunch of strangers on the internet who don't know you probably isn't the best place to turn for help. I would suggest you talk with your school's counseling center, or an adult who knows you well and who you trust, about what you are feeling. Don't wait.</p>

4

<p>
[quote]
If anything, it just feels a bit better to type all of this out.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>It might feel even better to be able to talk over your concerns with a counselor or mental health professional.</p>

5

<p>So many things about your post suggest a potential for real happiness in your life. Working on this with a flesh and blood counselor as opposed to cyber-buddies could make a meaningful difference for you, and I hope very much that you'll give it a try. Please head over to your student counseling center and see if talking with a skilled, caring person helps alleviate some of pain you've been experiencing.</p>

6

<p>I think some time with a counselor will help you gain the perspective you need. You have nothing to lose but your worries. Make an appointment and give it a try. Good luck.</p>

7

<p>I agree with the suggestion that you talk to a counselor. I think that many kids have the thoughts and problems you're dealing with, and a good counselor can really help. I'm not an expert, but it sounds like you might be a little bit depressed.</p>

<p>Some other tips -</p>

<p>When you're feeling self-conscious, remember that most/much of the time other people aren't focused on you at all, or noticing every little thing. They're thinking about everything from when they're going to eat lunch to what happened last Friday night to ... whatever. You are probably your own worst critic. You don't have to be perfect, and your friends don't have to be perfect. A good book - "Never Good Enough".</p>

<p>The thoughts you have, where you're constantly second guessing yourself, are called ruminations. This can be addressed with cognitive behavioral therapy and/or even low doses of medication/antidepressants to help take the edge off. Cognitive behavioral therapy can teach you to respond to things differently and more realistically and is medically proven (not just a self-help fad). There are good books you can read on this, also counselors who specialize in it. </p>

<p>Another thing that has helped for me ... picture your mind as a stream - a woodland stream, with rocks in it, currents, water flowing by. There will be things that fall into the stream and are floating by - leaves, sticks, etc. Try consciously to not let every little stick or leaf get stuck on the rocks, creating a mess that diverts the current. Let them just float on over and away. When you get upset or concerned about something - is it just a leaf or a twig? Let it be carried away by the stream, don't let it stick there and mess you up.</p>

8

<p>I've had very similar issues to yours in the past and I've found that while thinking positive, acting 'as if' you were confident, and all those other strategies may help for a few days, they aren't a true solution. In my case, I was unconfident and had low self esteem because I had been socially ostracized all my life- not entirely, I had friends, but I was always looked on unfavorably by a group of kids- due to a downward spiral that started with the communication problems of being an immigrant child. But my situation just progressively became better everytime I switched environments and was able to shake off the parts of my persona and my self-image that were tied to those same old people that couldn't see me differently or treat me differently, who therefore couldn't allow me to change my evaluation of my own worth and to change the fundamental way I treated myself. So there was this huge jump from elementary school to middle school, and another huge jump from middle school to high school as we dispersed and I (luckily) got to keep my best friends and lost the troublesome relationships, and hopefully an even larger one when I go to college. Maybe if you can locate some reason that you are unconfident, like the reason for your feelings of inadequacy- be it people, habits, whatever- then you can try to eliminate it from your life and make a fresh start.</p>