<p>One of the hardest things we can do as parents is to let our kids fail and learn from the experience. Mine managed to get a C in math in elementary school, while doing well in a national level math competition. How? Never handing in homework.
Kids in our elementary school were not allowed to type homework because it was the only reliable way to make sure that they actually wrote it.</p>
<p>I edited high school papers if/when my kids asked me to. They were then free to accept my suggestions or not. Sometimes they chose “not.” We talked about what I was suggesting and why, so it was a learning experience. Their high school also had the kids do a lot of “peer editing,” so we viewed it in the same vein. I never saw anything from the school that said parent <em>editing</em> was wrong. The key point to me was that they WROTE the paper themselves, and they re-wrote it with or without the edits based on their own decisions. I never told them what to write, but would make suggestions like “This section is redundant” or “This is a good point. Could you expand on it?” or “Why do you say x? You need to support that idea.”</p>
<p>The kids learned not to ask their father for editing suggestions - he’s such a “business” writer that he would slash out so many words/phrases that the paper would end up half as long as when they gave it to him. My son is a senior in college, he’s never asked us to edit any college papers but he has emailed us cover letters for his job hunt and asked for our feedback. That’s when his dad’s “business writing” skills come in handy. (I had H look over my cover letters & resumes when I was job hunting as well. He made suggestions, most of which I took.) D just finished her first semester in college, she never asked us for any feedback on college papers either.</p>
<p>I always felt that half the point of flash cards was writing the stuff down on the cards so I never made them for the kids - but I was happy to quiz them based on the flashcards THEY had made.</p>
<p>Help, yes. Cheat, no. Texting answers to a test isn’t even close!</p>
<p>I was in a meeting with the parents because the son was failing and they were surprised by it because I never called. I sent progress reports home, etc., and son had forged the signatures. Mother started crying and grabbed the forgeries and ran out of the room, never to be seen again. And she was a teacher in our district. No forgeries, no evidence.</p>
<p>I would have insisted on a suspension if my own child had forged my signature.</p>
<p>The same year my daughter was doing her homework and not managing to get it handed in, we were in a meeting with a teacher who was frustrated with ME because I refused to intervene. Every morning I said, “Do you have your homework?” “Yes.”</p>
<p>So, I said, “Fail her. She can take summer school.”</p>
<p>That’s when the social worker decided we had an “unsupportive academic environment” at home.</p>
<p>In the end, my daughter managed to pull it together and get a C, and after that year, she never forgot another assignment at home.</p>
<p>As a teacher, when you send progress reports home, do you believe there’s actually something parents’ can do about it? Or do you just want to “let them know.” Do you get angry with the parents who do not do the work for their kids? Or do you support them in helping their child to learn to be responsible for their own life?</p>
<p>poetgrl, I don’t think it has to be an all-or-nothing proposition. There are varying degrees of “support” and allowing children to feel consequences. The key is good open communication between parent and school.</p>
<p>When I say varying degrees of support, I mean age-appropriate. We can certainly expect a 10th grader to remember to bring their homework to school, perhaps we can allow a bit more leeway for a first grader. Training a first grader to put their work back into their backpack when they’re done so they don’t forget it, and reminding them to do that, is appropriate support. You shouldn’t still be doing that 5 years later.</p>
<p>The story you tell leads me to believe there was a lack of communication between home and school. The teacher told you that your daughter was forgetting her homework, so you began reminding her. It didn’t work. At that point, I think you should have contacted the teacher and said, “I’ve been reminding Janie to bring her homework and turn it in. She doesn’t seem to be listening to me, so at this point if she forgets it I believe the best way she will learn is if she suffers the natural consequences for her inaction (ie a failing grade). If you have any further suggestions of how we can work together to help Janie learn this important skill, I’d be open to hearing them.” That’s a world different from the teacher sending a note home that Janie isn’t turning in her homework, never hearing anything back from you, and then when she meets you at conferences you say, “Fail her. Let her take summer school.” Your intentions may have been good, but what you communicated to the teacher was “I don’t care.”</p>
<p>For many parents, the first time they hear that Junior is having major trouble in school is when the teacher sends home the progress report.</p>
<p>There have always been helicopter parents. I think it is more prevalent now. Our (my) generation has really been one to hover over their kids. Bad? Good? Both depending on the situation and extent. </p>
<p>As for the example given of the mom helping her kid cheat on a test, that is simply cheating and dishonest. Most of the very low hovering parents I know truly want the best for their children and that includes the morals as well. They may sit and go over the material ad nauseum with the kid, hire tutors, be overly involved, but not cross the line of cheating. That is a pretty dark line to cross, in my opinion. There are dishonest people everywhere in every endeavor. I don’t know if the mom in that cheat situation is even necessarily a helicopter parents. She might pay little or no attention to her child most of the time but is willing to cheat and cross all kinds of ethical lines when involved with her child or in any situation for that matter. It is a fallacy to imply that those parents who are involved, possibly over involved in their children’s lives , are more prone to do something like cheat in cases like that. I knew a parent who paid tutors galore to basically push their kids through the school work and write the kids’ essays in certain situation. I’d hardly call them helicopter parents in that they hardly paid any attention to their kids except in terms of certain results.</p>
<p>Anecdotes are not data. I’m so tired of these extreme examples being used to cast blame on my entire generation of parents. </p>
<p>As was pointed out earlier, parents cannot win. Imagine if some expert admitted that most parents are doing fine? The parenting wing of the self-help books would collapse. </p>
<p>The kids are alright. And so are the vast majority of the parents.</p>
<p>Lafalum- I was genuinely asking a question of the teachers.</p>
<p>This is from my post #7:
</p>
<p>While I appreciate your example, I was not the same with a first grader as I was with a 7th grader.</p>
<p>Thank you for your response.</p>
<p>Teachers out there:</p>
<p>When you inform a parent that a student is having trouble with a grade, do you expect the parent to “change” the situation, or “explain” the situation? Out of curiousity, what, as a teacher, do you consider to be “appropriate” parental involvement? Is that something to be determined by the teacher or the parent? (My kids are fully baked, at this point, and really amazingly successful at the things that matter to them, so I’m really not asking for advice.)</p>
<p>What I am sayng is, since we like to label and show extreme examples: what is appropriate for parents? Who decides?</p>
<p>I believe that most people understand the difference between cheating and offering support and assistance to students. Texting answers or producing entire papers and projects is very different from reviewing final drafts as a glorified spellchecker. </p>
<p>I also believe that we should make a difference between reviewing materials in high school (or college) and reviewing parts of college application. Again, while it is important to let students show their own voice when writing college essays, it remains that there is no good reason to submit essays without having one or a few adults who KNOW the student take a look at them before hitting the submit button. Over the years on CC, we have read more than one account of a student devastated by having submitted an essay with a typo. </p>
<p>The same thing could be said about parents helping keeping track of deadlines and contents. Given the importance of putting one’s best foot forward, I believe that no parent should hesitate to provide assistance to their children. The problem is NOT with families that can offer such support; our problem is that so many children do NOT have a satisfactory support system. </p>
<p>While helicopter parents do exist, parents should not hesitate to continue to support their children, or feel bad about it. When my time comes, I surely won’t hesitate to share what I have learned on this forum from great, loving, and dedicated parents. If I err on the side of extra “care” … so be it! :)</p>
<p>I like that response xiggi. I think it is educated and well measured. </p>
<p>I would also add that there are times when the most supportive lesson a parent can offer is to stand back and allow the child to feel the full force of the consequences they have earned. Especially for children who are quite bright but lacksadaisical, the only real lesson may lie in their own disappointment.</p>
<p>It is for this reason I am not in favor of middle school situations and even elementary school situations which do not give out “grades.”</p>
<p>I have two kids. I am most definitely a helicopter parent for the oldest, and not at all for the youngest. Why? The needs of the children are different. The older one has a high IQ, and inattentive ADHD. If I weren’t hovering, these two characteristics would average out to boring classes that are too easy for her, and poor academic habits. Instead, I go to bat, get her an IEP, etc… </p>
<p>The other one? Equal IQ, but I have to help her NOT be so hyper responsible that she gives herself an ulcer. </p>
<p>Isn’t that what good parents do? I definitely doubt myself, wondering if I should simply back off as some teachers/educators tell me to do (usually the ones that are subpar, honestly).</p>
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<p>I believe a progress report is just for information. I truly believe a high school student should be communicating with their parents about their grades but unfortunately this doesn’t always happen. My goal is to make sure the parent is informed and there are no surprises come semester. Sometimes the parent will call and we’ll brainstorm together ways to help a failing student. I do not expect a parent to “fix” an academic problem (like I would a behavior problem) as by high school the student needs to take most of the initiative. But parents can often help their child navigate their way and make gentle suggestions. </p>
<p>The other thing that often comes up is that there really is some type of “problem” the student is having that ends up affecting their grades. Parents are given a “heads up” and an opportunity to intervene.</p>
<p>I was so involved with my kids and their education that when they were little I pulled them out of school … well, one never even went to school, actually. School was just such a disappointment. And, yeah, parents can’t win. You’re either “too involved” or not involved enough. It depends on what they want out of you at the moment.</p>
<p>We just ended up homeschooling for many years. Talk about seeing their homework and their essays… ha… I was the one having them write the darn things. So either I was “hovering” or I was just being a dutiful homeschool parent. Either way, they turned out great, both are happy and successful at their great colleges. They don’t really run things by me anymore, but if they thought it would be helpful, I’d be happy to take a look, comment, edit, etc. That’s the way we always did it and they learned a lot and we had a wonderful experience together where learning and just living really weren’t two separate things.</p>
<p>One is doing great at a super selective LAC, the other at a great honors college at our flagship state univ. The latter will graduate at barely 20 years old with a major-with-honors, 3 minors, and a special certificate program. And all that after having been raised by a helicopter mom. No apologies! (Which is not to say I’d text them answers on a test, but then they didn’t grow up ever taking tests. ;))</p>
<p>Progress reports. Do you know how many times they are tossed in the trash as soon as the kid leaves the class? We have it on our school calendar when the progress reports are set to come out. </p>
<p>At my sons’ HS, I truly believe that many of the parents do not care. Then, when things are bad, they like to blame. The first person that they blame – the teacher. Never mind that the teacher called, left messages, sent e-mails, sent letters, etc. My son (I teach in his school) says that he always hears kids complaining that Mr. So-and-So is a terrible teacher or that Mrs. So-and-So does not care. Meanwhile, those same teachers tell students and parents that they will be available for extra help on these particular days. And no one comes.</p>
<p>My oldest son always wanted us involved. Always wanted us to put a second eye to an essay he wrote for this class or that class. He’s a National Merit scholar with a full ride, a triple major who also will earn a masters before the end of his four years of school. The younger son has not wanted our involvement as much, but he knows that we are more than willing to assist with proofing an essay or looking over a long assignment with many elements to make sure that he has everything done. If that’s being helicopter parents, well, we’re guilty.</p>
<p>A question for “helicopter parents”: Were your own parents the “helicopter” type? Is this just a continuation of the way that you were parented? </p>
<p>I am asking this because I don’t remember my parents ever being involved in my education other than quizzing me on spelling words and attending parent teacher conferences, etc. And I had straight A’s, NMF, attended impressive university and had very successful career. Why has our generation become so involved in our kids lives? (And, yes, I am on CC so I am an overinvolved parent.)</p>
<p>@megpmom</p>
<p>My folks were involved in my education. My dad was always willing to answer science and math questions isf I got stuck. My mom would proof a paper if asked, and given this was prehistoric days, type a final version of a draft that I had marked up. She was a fast typist and I was slow and innaccurate. But then in those days it was common practice to hire typists for long papers. I had quite a few friends who made their pin money that way.</p>
<p>That said I never felt the work I did was not mine. I felt it helped me learn the material and the skills a little easier and a little faster, but it was still my learning. I felt supported and lucky to have the caring supportive parents I did. I also had no problem going out on my own in the world. Haven’t ever sent a memo to mom to proofread! I am sure it will be the same for my kids.</p>
<p>My parents were not at all involved, but they were loving and good parents. Just typical of the era. We were expected to do our homework and go to college, but I don’t remember them ever reading anything of ours. They certainly didn’t check our college apps-- they left it all up to us. And all six of us kids got into fine colleges and did just fine-- but no stars in the bunch.</p>
<p>I am certainly over-involved in the college hunt for D2, because she wanted my help and wanted schools 3,000 miles away, and smaller ones that are not well known here. I’m embarrassed that I’m as anxious for her first acceptance as she is. But our D1 was completely different, applied early to just one school, got in early, and that was that. Refused to indulge our request to go on a college-looking tour. </p>
<p>As for the homework issue, we help when asked, and both my husband and I were careful proofreaders of the app essays/supplements. I am a professional publisher/writer/editor and know that you NEVER proof your own work-- I hire proofreaders before I publish a book. It’s just what you do. But we never even got the password for the parent-hovering system at their high school, and I am appalled at the number of parents (at a private school) who go online daily to check what their 16-year-olds have for homework and review everything with them. How will these kids survive in college if they can’t even track their own homework? We’ve always figured that knowing about their assignments and responsibilities was their job, not ours. We’re just here for help if they ask. </p>
<p>I often helped D1 edit papers in high school, but she hasn’t asked once in college, and has done very well. The editing process helped her become a better writer, so she doesn’t need me any more. That’s a lovely feeling!</p>
<p>I think my parents taught me time management by negative example. I still remember us rushing into the car breathlessly with me, chasing to the airport for the very last mail postal flight, handing in my ED application an hour before midnight to get it postmarked in time. Snail mail and hard-copy typed apps only, in those days. I forget the details, but as I recall my essay was finished and sitting on my desk days in advance. </p>
<p>So I do recall propellers flapping in the darkness, but from the postal airplane. Actually I found it all rather exciting.</p>