I could use some advice. Senior is a B/B+ student. Early admission to multiple colleges for his selected major.
I noted a behavior change last spring with him being less happy. Finished the school year off with no issues and worked through the summer.
First quarter issue with homework for one class. Second quarter issue with multiple classes and not going to school.
Brought him for a check up. Does not want to see a counselor. And will not engage with me on any discussion about this. I am really concerned about his mental health and not sure what to do next. Any suggestions.
What’s going on with friends, eating habits, exercise, his usual clubs and interests? Substance abuse on your radar? You haven’t posted enough for us to be helpful. His old friends still in the picture- and do they still show up at your house to clean out the frig/hang out? what’s going on socially???
Are you concerned about depression? Is he managing daily activities of living normally (bathing, eating, sleeping)? If there is an upset in any of those areas, I would insist on seeing a counselor.
Is there another trusted adult that he might confide in or even a school GC? Sometimes kids don’t want to tell their parent if they are struggling for fear of upsetting the parent, but will open up to another adult.
You are smart to try to get a handle on this now before he leaves for college.
Does the school have a counselor? (I don’t mean guidance counselor.) if so I’d call him or her and ask for suggestions. You wouldn’t have to identify yourself if you don’t want to.
I would see the family doctor together, explain in front of your son what the concerns are to the doctor, and then leave them to talk about it. Always trust your instincts that something is wrong. Trust that in a safe and timely fashion, your son will share the broken heart, the fear of college, the secret desire to join the circus…whatever is going on.
Also check NAMI online for mental illness parenting advice, they do wonderful stuff. Depression can be treated, but sometimes our sons, especially, don’t know how to start.
Definitely check on something wrong. I assume that gpa is his old one and that it is not a drop from being an A student. If he did do the A to B drop it won’t trigger alarm from the school but you are right in feeling something is wrong. My gifted kid was bored and did not do the work needed to get the A’s he could have, especially as a senior. A regular good college candidate can also be bored. The cause could include depression- that family physician talk with and without you is a great start. If your son is just bored (without medical mental health issues) he needs to realize he needs to keep learning the material to be successful in college.
Please let us know what happens. I understand being frustrated- teens often refuse to do what we know is best.
I agree you should take the situation seriously. Junior and senior year can be stressful for students in any number of ways and once anxiety or depression sets in, it can spiral. I also agree with the suggestion that you seek the help of some adult third party whom both you and your son trust. The ultimate goal might be to persuade your son to speak with a therapist who can help define the problem and then work with your son on solving it. Some school counselors can serve this function at least in the first instance, but they can also be good resources in suggesting outside help. Lots of kids have various kinds of mental issues around this age, and the school counselor will have seen situations like this before. Even if your son refuses to participate, I would also encourage you to speak with a counselor or therapist and get some advice on how parents can best help. Our own intuition can be really off, especially if you are from the “just shake yourself” school of parenting. Good luck to you both.
I know several young people personally who had these difficulties in senior year, but went on to thrive at college. Well, one took a gap year. Some schools are very aware of the stresses of senior year- including apprehension about the transition of leaving home, friends, and everything familiar. I remember the school nurse telling me that seniors were universally “a mess.”
With early admissions, your son is already dealing with the transition’s reality. It sounds like he is having a kind of head in the sand reaction. If he is depressed, which is likely, this is the age when such things may truly emerge.
If he is not 18 yet, he must be close, and after 18 you lose the legal ability to do anything. Personally, I feel that he has to be on board even at 17. But if you get really concerned, you do have the right to hospitalize if he is a danger to himself. That is getting way ahead of the current situation but school refusal can be serious.
I would offer to him that he can leave school if he wants. I did that with one of mine and she did, indeed, leave. We homeschooled for the rest of the year and she got a diploma from a school that does that sort of thing for homeschoolers. She still had the transcript and still attended the colleges that she had gotten into.
If nothing else, making that offer may help him feel less trapped and cope better.
Counseling is a must but he has to agree. The only thing you can do is recognize the reality that he does not want to go to school and offer to accommodate his desire to be home. He might surprise you and then be better able to attend.
Also, see if he will go to an MD for a physical check up just in case thyroid, Lyme, or a variety of other possibilities are not a factor.
I am not concerned with alcohol/drugs, activity level and friends are the same though he shows less interest in both.
It is like talking to a stone wall which is more than fruatrating.
It is helpful to hear that this may not be as uncommon as I thought. I am going to reflect on your responses further. And see what additional approaches I can take.
Our oldest spent most of his senior year playing video games online instead of doing his homework. He would get testy and blame the teachers when we asked why his grades had dropped. He was mostly the same, just more moody. He finally admitted it to us years later. From the little information it sounds more like this than serious mental illness.
Even though S2 had less of a habit and never dropped his grades, we could tell behaviorally when he had spent hours watching YouTube videos. He was more open about it so we knew. D mostly watched baby animal videos. No issues.
You should loosen up but in many ways your son shouldn’t. I always think that senioritis is a sign that kids are working only toward admissions, which is problematic. External motivation like grades and admission mean that once a kid is accepted, motivation goes.
That said, it is good to enjoy this part of senior year. I just think he should have been working and playing appropriately the whole time
Are you aware of any social drama that has deeply hurt his feelings?
We had bucket loads of social drama with our one D in HS – and she would not offer the details – it was very helpful for her to see a therapist once a week.
When she was younger, I dragged her to 2 different therapists, against her will, in hopes that she’d click with one of them and get help. She was clearly unhappy and I didn’t know what else to do. She sat on the couch and refused to engage with either therapist, so we dropped it.
Junior year of HS, she finally said she was ready to see someone and I was overjoyed. Perhaps there is less stigma for girls? I don’t know.
OP, what would happen if you insisted on taking him to a (male?) therapist?
From your last post and other responses my diagnosis would be he is a normal teen. Frustrating talking to a wall- many of us have been there done that. Of course it is best if your son keeps learning and doing the work but that won’t happen. Senioritis is NOT working towards admissions but the realization HS is no longer the best fit- they are outgrowing that lifestyle. Given their lack of maturity relative to older adults they are rebelling by saying no, I won’t keep doing this, I won’t keep being compliant, I won’t obey as a child does. A stage in life to be survived by parents. Just warn him he needs to keep up the grades to keep his acceptances. The final push to graduating and being done with it.
Both of my girls went through shifts at about the same time. They’re evolving. One of my bff’s sons refused to interact with her, was a mess. Partly this is what sometimes happens in later teens, partly a growth shift/confusion. Harder with boys than girls, sometimes. It helps to sort what’s parent related vs what’s a life issue.
Many of us found we had to speak with our kids obliquely, a little off topic, no direct questions, no specific advice. (Yes, can be exhausting.) And at the same time, show openness and concern, when needed.
I agree, the question is: did something happen? (Versus normal teen angst and stresses.) Trying the oblique approach might be: “Sonny, if something happened, I would want to help however I could, the lines of communication are open on my side, just you and me.” Stop there. Repeat once in a while, without nagging.
One of mine had a therapist she did not connect with. Changing was the lifesaver. Not all therapists are versed in teen and college- age specifics and the fronts kids can put up. Worth it to find the right match.
