<p>Well, to be clear, I don’t think women who engage in hook ups are “sluts,” or whatnot. I actually think a woman in her 30s or beyond who chooses this lifestyle is making an educated choice and I have some friends who are divorced who prefer younger men and this is a kind of lifestyle choice, and I’m A-okay with all of this. For them.</p>
<p>I have no judgement around any choice a woman makes. I don’t think it is any of my business, but I did teach my daughters to value intimate relationships and physical intimacy on a different level than that. But I don’t think whatever I taught my daughters gives me a “right” anymore to impose it anymore even on them. </p>
<p>So far, they just seem to agree.</p>
<p>As for asking guys out? My oldest just isn’t that way. My youngest has a boyfriend she asked to the movies on the first date. I’m good with that too.</p>
<p>Love your post #8 Poetgirl. Perhaps the “hook-up” thing is another symptom of the immediate gratification syndrome that has plagued society for a generation. We need to teach kids that good things are worth waiting for. There is a much more satisfactory relationship - in all of its aspects - if one waits and works to build something meaningful.</p>
<p>I think things are definitely different regarding forming relationships nowadays. I have always promoted the same philosophy as poetgrl, but I have noticed that if girls today do not take the initiative in pursuing relationships, they rarely seem to happen. This is 180 degrees from my day, when women had to learn how to politely “fend off” men on a regular basis.</p>
<p>I think what has happened is a combination of women becoming and expected to be, equals in every way to men, so they don’t wait around for men to call, they just forge ahead with whomever they are attracted to. This leaves the “old-fashioned” women in the dust, especially with regard to the men with the most highly desirable attributes, and men don’t develop the courtship skills they used to need.</p>
<p>I also think the prevalence of social media plays a part: There is not as much need to “get to know” each other via successive and progressively serious dates. Much can be gleaned about one another electronically.</p>
<p>Finally, I have wondered whether the availability of porn plays a part. Maybe it sounds odd, but I wonder if it allows young men to fulfill some of their needs without the “baggage” of a girlfriend relationship.</p>
<p>It really just depends on the person. I know some ladies who aren’t in college who have a lot of one-night stands or whatnot. And they are perfectly happy. I know other ladies who are married or have a steady boyfriend. Some people are in polyamorous relationships these days–okay, that would be way too complicated for me (and make break ups even more awkward), but they seem happy.</p>
<p>If a girl is tired of the hook-up culture, that is totally legitimate, and good for her for having enough self-awareness to realize that and choose a path she is happier with. That said, I have to roll my eyes when it’s implied that all the girls who do enjoy sex without a relationship are broken, or tricked by those evil boys, or have no self-respect. Hey, here’s a thought, maybe they simply like having sex and yet are not interested in a relationship at this time.</p>
<p>Relationships are a lot of work; we all know it. Maybe hookups are actually less stressful for young adults who already have a lot of schoolwork, plus often a part-time job.</p>
<p>I wonder if we’re being too harsh about young women and young men. “Hook-up” culture has always existed, just under different names (in my era, we called it one-night-stands) but I doubt it was more, or less, prevalent than it is today. Then, and now, I’ve known college-age couples who are generally monogamous throughout their relationships, and I’ve also know people who were prone to ‘hooking-up.’ From my perspective, the whole dating/sexual game hasn’t changed dramatically in the past 40 years.</p>
<p>this is an interesting article. It seems that men want relationships quite a bit, as well.</p>
<p>But, to Naturally’s point, it also points out that women are very unlikely to enjoy one night stands or repeated hooks ups in the same way as men.</p>
<p>My D is older and married. Most, though not all, of her female high school and college friends and close acquaintances are also married. A smaller percentage of the guys are married, but many of them are. While my D didn’t do so, a lot of them seem to marry people they knew in college. Not necessarily people they were romantically involved with in college–sometimes people that were friends, especially in the same dorm or involved in the same extracurricular. They were part of the same circle of friends. </p>
<p>I think that part of the problem is that a lot of young men and even more young women have a sort of mental check list for what they want to do and when. So if the right guy or gal comes along at the wrong time, they do have the attitude that someone else will come along when the time is right. Often, (s)he never does. This is more of a problem now than it used to be because a higher percentage of young men and women, especially at elite schools, are going on to further education. So, they keep putting off romantic relationships and then find themselves alone. </p>
<p>Women panic the closer they get to 40 and some marry complete clods or guys who have been previously married. Now, I’m seeing a move towards becoming a single mother by choice. Some of these are quasi-open situations. The woman asks a friend to father her child. Sometimes there’s real sex; sometimes there’s artificial insemination. The man knows who his child is but has no parental responsibilities. I think it’s nuts, but it’s becoming increasingly common. I don’t blame the young women; they just really, really want to be mothers and if the biological clock is clicking loudly, they may do it without a relationship.</p>
<p>@poetgrl- It is the exact opposite of feminism that you believe women lose their self respect if they participate in hook ups- they are respecting themselves by doing what they wish with their bodies.</p>
<p>An 18 year old freshmen “feminist” that hooks up with 21 year old juniors and seniors does lose their self respect spin it anyway you want. That young lady is not the same person as a 30 year old women that hooks up with men from the ages of 21-50.</p>
<p>Well, what did concern me about the tone of the article is that college girls today feel there are only two choices: hook-ups or being alone. The feminist in me doesn’t like the idea that young women are giving in to the culture of casual sex, not because they truly want to, but because they fear that if they don’t they risk becoming “washed up” and passed over. That is how the high school scene felt to my D, and she hoped for a better atmosphere in college. Where are the men who want relationships and why are they also accepting that those are the only alternatives?</p>
<p>@tom- “An 18 year old freshmen “feminist” that hooks up with 21 year old juniors and seniors does lose their self respect spin it anyway you want”
Stating that as if it’s a fact doesn’t make it a fact.</p>
<p>Okay in your world an 18 year old women can hook up without any consequence and without any loss of self respect. I do not believe that to be true.</p>
<p>I’m totally fine with men and women making decisions about how they want their relationships to develop. What I’m not fine with is finger pointing and name calling after the fact. If two people want to jump into bed one night after knowing each other 15 minutes then so be it. Whats wrong is trying to blame the other sex for feeling of remorse or because it doesn’t turn out the way that is expected or the phone doesn’t ring two days later. Men and women need to go in with eyes wide open. It feels like there is more anger about the opposite sex these days but maybe there is just more ‘media.’</p>
<p>I didnt go off to college, but while I don’t think extremes of anything are good- I don’t see anything wrong with cyclical dating- even including a one night stand every once in a while as long as safe sex is practiced, that no one is coerced and it **does not become a habit **and a way to have contact without getting involved.</p>
<p>I keep hearing about this hookup culture, but I cant say that I have seen it with my daughters or their friends. Both my daughters have serious relationships with young men that I think very highly of. ( I didn’t meet either one until the relationship had been ongoing for a long time)</p>
<p>Some people even when they are older and should know better choose relationships that preclude intimacy. My mother for example had a longstanding relationship with a married man ( after she was widowed) She dated & had friendships with men who were more available, but I don’t think she * wanted* more. </p>
<p>The extreme of hooking up in a frantic pace just to hook up though seems pretty numbing and not something I would want for anyone.</p>
<p>But Im sorry - to call a young woman on the verge of earning a degree from Yale " washed up", sounds like first world problems. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Yalies also seem to have a lot of free time compared to my kids at their schools.
Guess what they say about the ivy schools is true- the hardest thing about it was getting in.</p>
<p>The “washed up” part bothered me, too. Smart young women considering themselves “washed up” at 22 is quite sad. If you think you have peaked at 22 and it’s downhill from there, you have the wrong perspective. They have their whole lives ahead of them. It gets better, it really does. I met my husband when I was 33. At 57, I don’t consider myself “washed up” (although I am glad to be married and not dating).</p>
<p>I know this line of discussion will probably set some off, but if the author felt personally ready for a relationship and long-term commitment, but could not find one at Yale, then she may see her prospects for finding a “peer” partner to be somewhat limited after she graduates. </p>
<p>Yes, I know it is “old fashioned” thinking for a girl to want to marry <em>up</em> but I think there is some reasonable rationale behind it. I ended up marrying someone whose alma mater was held in less regard than my own, and it bothered me a little bit, I’ll admit. The funny thing is that over the years, my H’s alma mater climbed the USNWR rankings while mine dropped down a bit, so now he is the one who married <em>down.</em> lol</p>
<p>“How many of us would let our daughters do that?” </p>
<p>Not a lot of “let” about it. My niece just took off last year to visit her boyfriends and did not come back for months. She was done with college, living with parents, but made her get away. Nothing the parents could do about it. She was 22 years old. My brother, fumed, roared, smoldered and probably cried too. All to no avail. What the heck can anyone do when one’s college grad, or high school grad, for that matter, takes off? They are adults under the law. You can refuse to send any money, refuse to talk to them, cut them off, disown them, or you can just take a deep breath and hope for the best, letting them know that they are welcome to come home when they are ready. </p>
<p>As for those young people indulging in lost of one night stand activities, well, I just hope they can handle them, and that don’t hurt others. I’ve known quite a few of these things burn the participants. A lot of emotional issues at risk here.</p>
<p>The worm said “hook-ups” were not very prevalent at his UG school. He is happy to be in a committed relationship, and dislikes living on opposite coasts.</p>
<p>Being a single mom, I tried to be a good role model regarding my dating life. (just 1 relationship)</p>
<p>Agreatperhaps, I’m not judging what anyone does. I don’t believe in slut shaming or blaming, and I don’t believe it’s any of my business what you do or do not want to do with your body. Let me be clear on that. I have no wish at all to tell you or any other woman what she should or should not do with her body.</p>
<p>OTOH, my daughters are very happy and know some really great guys and have great guy friends and don’t have that wierd anti guy thing I see going on with a lot of young women today. They are clear on what they want and what they don’t want. </p>
<p>Ultimately, I think the hook up culture is as bad for young men as it is for young women, and I hope the young men have parents who teach them this. I know many do. I think it is emotionally and physically not as healthy, even if it is not the PC thing to say around the feminist rooms. But that doesn’t mean I judge those who disagree with me. Live and let live is my stance.</p>