All - Thank you for your contributions to this thread. While much of this is logical it is nice to have a discussion.
ChoatieMom - Good tip to read the handbook…hopefully we will have at least one option and will remember that tip and get our hands on the book before making a decision.
Get ready to clutch your pearls.
https://sota.phillipian.net/#sex
Plenty of sexual activity goes on at boarding school. Here’s a link to Andover’s annual student survey. I would imagine it is representative of most schools. In the latest report (2018), it states “49% of respondents have engaged in sexual activity, compared to 52% from last year’s survey.” Remember, that stat is for all 4 grades. So, as you can see from the report, those who have engaged in sexual activity as freshman is fairly lower. However, it goes up every year (not surprisingly) and by senior year, the majority have.
If your kiddo is a freshman and sophomore and your impression is that it doesn’t go on much, be forewarned that circumstances could change or your child is on the more straight-laced side compared to classmates.
These are teenagers with active libidos and very hormonal - and generally fit, healthy and often attractive. The reality is that although teachers and administration keep an eye on students but they just can’t watch students as closely as in a home environment (not saying all parents do a great job of that).
As far as opportunity and access, these are smart kids. They figure it out. Plenty of places on campus, on the surrounding grounds, even in the dorms. Sneaking out of dorms in the night (or very early morning) is common at BS now and was very common when I was a student, too. But, as smart as they are, the hormones are hopping and they can make dumb decisions as a result.
Also, remember that same sex activity does occur and in those situations access is much easier. Students can be gay, bi, or just experimenting.
Bottom line, keep communication lines open with your kids, discuss sexuality and contraception with them. Yes, schools address it but don’t abdicate your parental responsibility solely to the schools. And keep talking about it, don’t do it just once. Things change with different changes of the teen years. Car rides are a great place for discussions, IMO. Captive audience but no need for eye contact. 
Most schools aren’t one strike schools and even at one strike schools, it isn’t typical to be kicked out for sexual activity. Cheating and drugs, yes. Sexual activity, consequences but not that harsh.
A couple of the assignments in DS’ sophomore class on health were to interview his parents. He had the questions – one’s like “Do you think there is a double standard in how boys and girls are seen in terms of sexual behavior?” “Do you think attitudes about sex have changed since you were my age?” “What do you wish someone had told you about intimacy?”
I remain grateful for the conversations these questions forced. I think it helped my son realize where we were coming from, gave us a reason to have the discussion, and it made me think through what I really wanted him to know.
(There was, btw, a similar one on drugs and alcohol. And thst one, thankfully, came after a parent program on the same which helped me wrap my head around what message I wanted him to have at that age.)
That Andover survey is interesting and includes data on alcohol and drugs, which seem pretty common on campus. In a similar anonymous survey at Thacher only 3% of students said they had ever taken alcohol or drugs on campus. Hard to tell what the norm is and which school is the outlier…
@ChoatieMom Eww I can’t believe you said that! Chimneykid2.0 is a ceramicist AND the studio monitor with keys to the building. This is info I did not need to know! %-(
@CaliMex Andover has over 1,100 students in five residential clusters Their dorm parent to boarding student ratio is particularly low (DAMHIKT). From a dorm in Abbott Cluster to the gym is nearly a mile and the campus is 700 acres.
According to their website, Thacher is 237 students and only 14 day students . Cate is 290. That is smaller than most boarding schools in New England. New England schools tend to have 20-30% day students, which can make off-campus access easier.
Teenagers gonna teenage. 3% strikes me as “We don’t trust the anonymity of this survey” low. Binge drinking at Andover seems more common than most schools. So the norm is probably in the middle.
@Garandman Thacher kids spend Saturday nights at an all-school party at the Head of School’s house. It is the highlight of everyone’s week. I think that helps.
One of last year’s seniors told our kid that he limited his alcohol and drug use to when he was home with friends because it just wasn’t considered cool at Thacher…
@Garandman Teenagers gonna teenage ( love this) and parent are going to believe what they want. I’d put zero value on an anonymous survey on any subject. Agree with many on this thread that it’s better to have the conversations you want early and often. And it’s good to know to stay away from the certain buildings. I’d imagine there are definitely spots where kids could go if they wanted to. Many of these schools are hundreds of acres. Believe me, they could find a spot if they wanted to.
This is about drugs, alcohol, and tobacco - not sex - but some BS have the same policies for student behavior both on and off campus. Our school does discipline kids about off-campus use (if they find out), including at home and during school breaks. A recent reminder to students and parents:
“We expect students to refrain from the use of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco at all times. This expectation includes periods of time when a student is on leave from the School and when the School is not in session […] This policy is consistent with our peer schools and in accordance with best prevention practices. In addition, the School’s student handbook states that it is a major school rule violation to “remain in the presence of others who are breaking rules and being willfully blind to rule-breaking activity.” This means that students who are present while other students engage in unacceptable behavior are complicit in that activity and will be held accountable.”
This is common, but mainly (again varies by school) the school is concerned about use in the area, whether at the home of day students or other homes in the area, and will travel on school-sponsored trips (e.g. away games). I don’t think that schools are sending spies to see if a student is raiding dad’s liquor cabinet 4000 miles away. But be aware, as with the Andover graduation fiasco in NH in 2015, even schools with more lenient policies will not be pleased when the cops get involved.
They don’t need to send spies. Social media does the job well enough.
Plus there is often a student who feels compelled to “rat”.
Four freshman boarders were just expelled this week at my daughter’s school for a major infraction…it definitely happens.
I was rather hesitant to contribute since the OP did direct this at other parents, but perhaps OP would be interested in a student perspective (?)
I agree with previous posters that yes, if they want to do it then kids find a way. In my school there is a bowl with condoms, in a side room at the entry of the HC where the ice is kept, the main reason for this placement (that I have deduced and the nurses have implied) is so that students can feel safe in taking condoms under the guise of getting ice and thus promoting safe sex. In regards to supervision at BS, well it depends. Yes, there are faculty roaming and checking through buildings, but the single stall bathrooms are often a hotbed of illicit activity, in better weather conditions, the fields are vast and have enough bushes that you would see a roamer before you were caught. Dorm parents require check-in and a shoe placed between the door, but many stomp and loudly talk as they make their way up to check, and kids often turn off the lights and crack the door open the tinyest amount … fellow dormmates never barge into rooms when there is clearly a shoe placed in the door. Basically, while it’s not easy, it not particularly challenging if you are determined and ultimately its what the kid values/is taught that dictates how he/she is going to behave at BS. So I would recommend having a conversation with your kid, especially if they are perhaps not as well informed as their peers, because trust me that naivety won’t last and there can be a lot of misinformation when such topics are told by peers or friends. And make your expectation for behavior clear but also keep the channel for such conversations open so that when there is a doubt or regret or something similar, your kid is comfortable reaching out to you.
Do you think most school health centers provide Plan B?
I hope so.
@Golfgr8
Most kids, however, would rather go obtain it from somewhere else, bc as long as you are under 18 the health center must report back to parents… That goes for most things that should be addressed by the HC but is illegal under school rules (including like drugs). There are safety programs that would exempt them from disciplinary action, but parents would still be notified and for most kids, and that’s enough of a deterrent from using HC resources.
I don’t know about MX, but at SPS the parental consent form for reproductive health services that parents sign at the beginning of each year allows several options: eg, no consent at all, consent but inform the parent, and blank consent (provide services without asking the parent). The last option addresses the situation described above. Each family can decide what is right for them.
One of my favorite quotes on this topic, from Elizabeth Roberts:
Kids these days are exposed to far more “advanced”, for lack of a better word, sexual topics, at a far earlier age, thanks to the internet and pornography. It’s so important to talk to your kids about healthy sexuality - communication, consent, pleasure, intimacy, sexual behavior, safer practices, pornography, all of it - before you think they need to know this info, because they will have gotten their information and those formative messages elsewhere if you wait.