<p>Some info to consider while you are applying to schools this Fall that we wish we had known....our college freshman daughter is currently attending a private university. I do not wish to throw the school under the bus, academically it is amazing, however, something we missed...although the school was founded and based on Christian principals, it is completely liberal. Our daughter is in the process of changing roommates due to the fact that her roommate is very sexually active with various partners, and there is no policy in place stating that this is unacceptable in the dorm room. I highly recommend you check the schools code of conduct, even if you think it is a faith based institution. At 18 they are considered adults and can do anything they want in their living space. My daughter has definitely been given the opportunity to stand up for what she believes, but unfortunately it has put a damper on what is suppose to be an exciting time. Lastly, when pairing roommates they only asked about partying/drinking/drugs - nothing about sexual habits, so please consider for your young adult when going through that process as well. One can be a non-partier, non-drinker and still hold to lifestyles/practices very contrary to your students, as is in our case.</p>
<p>Your D is having room mate issues like some other students here. I don’t think it has that much to do with being Christian, it is a typical situation. Did she try to work out an agreement with her room mate? I hope she finds something more suitable, it may be difficult. I think this happens on most college campuses, unless you go to one of the really strict conservative colleges.</p>
<p>Not to start a theological debate, but “Christian” is not necessarily a synonym for conservative. There are Christians who are liberal…just saying.</p>
<p>Very few schools will hold students to a code of conduct that prohibits sexual activity in the residence halls. At 18, students are adults and can freely participate in this activity, which is not illegal. </p>
<p>That being said, if there’s activity happening in the room while your d is there or your d is being sexiled regularly, this is an issue to be dealt with. My d’s college (church affiliated, fairly conservative, but still a whole lot of hanky panky going on) actually has the freshmen roommates draw up agreements with each the first weeks of classes. Eventually, most roommates are going to face the issue of the significant other or casual hook-up (we called them one night stands in the olden days). Best to deal with issue with the roommate. Both have rights and responsibilities, but the is an issue that can be worked out, if both parties give a little.</p>
<p>It sounds very much as if the student is attending a Christian University, where the expectation was that the students would conduct themselves according to Christian principles. Maybe I am misreading it and it’s just one of the many that were founded on Christian principles that are hedonistic free-for-alls today. </p>
<p>But yeah, I’d be pretty ticked if sex was going on in the room all the time, Christian or not. It’s not “YOUR” space when you have to share it with someone else. Find a private space if you have to do that. Do things that are appropriate to do in front of a roommate if you indeed share with a roommate. </p>
<p>I know there are all kinds of places on campuses where people can find privacy.</p>
<p>I am so sorry your daughter is dealing with this. Fortunately, my daughter ended up with a good roommate because she bypassed the school questionnaire, which asked the same very basic things your school did, and went instead to a student-run site that helps kids match themselves with roommates based on a much more in-depth, values based questionnaire. So even though her roomie isn’t a Christian, they do have similar values when it comes to sex, drinking, and study habits.</p>
<p>Her school also has a policy that requires all the roommates to okay it before allowing a guy to stay over (she’s at a women’s college.) This, to me, is the very minimum of decency and every school should have a policy like this.</p>
<p>I urge your daughter to talk first to her roommate, and if that doesn’t bring a resolution, to her RA. A person’s room should be a safe place, above all, and no one should have to feel they can’t be in there because of someone else’s activity.</p>
<p>I agree that Christian and liberal are not at all mutually exclusive. I’d further say that many roomies don’t want to deal with sex in their room whether they are Christian or not. </p>
<p>But there are definitely colleges that are stricter about sex, drugs and alcohol than others and I agree that if a college is going to create a roommate questionnaire that asks about partying, “how would you handle your roommate wanting to have a guy over” is probably a fair question too.</p>
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<p>I think this is a good idea or, at least, a good idea if the roommates agree that it is a good policy.</p>
<p>S attends a large public u. On the roommate questionnaire, in addition to things like early riser/night owl, neat freak/slob, they asked “Are you comfortable with overnight guests?”
All students live in suites and have their own bedrooms. And the dorm rules limit overnight guests to two nights per month per person, which I thought was pretty conservative for a public u. Those who say they are NOT comfortable with it will be paired with others who feel the same way, and not have to deal with it (at least, not as much. . .) So glad S 's dorm is set up this way (with individual bedrooms for all).</p>
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<p>And having sex is not confined to “liberals.” Even conservatives have sex (allegedly, though there seems to be pretty good evidence pointing in that direction). Humans are designed – check that – have evolved to have sex starting at around age 12 or so. Shocking, but that’s what puberty is all about. The delaying of this perfectly natural act until age 18 or marriage is nothing more than arbitrary rule-making imposed by some elements of society. As the father of four (yes, four!) teen girls, I’m realistic about the fact that they are going to have (and may already be having) sex. Big deal. It’s natural. I just want to make sure they have the knowledge and tools to avoid getting pregnant or an STD. And when they get to college, I would certainly hope that they would have respect and courtesy for their roommate(s). It sounds like your daughter’s roommate is lacking in this area, and for that I’m sorry.</p>
<p>p.s. Whoever posted the word “sexiled,” thanks. Maybe I’m an old foggie, but I never heard that word before. That’s funny.</p>
<p>I’ve seen this alot through the years of reading these forums. And yes, there are Christian colleges with very liberal students and very liberal professors in regard to both social and philosophical issues and there are Christian colleges that are very conservative about social and philosophical attitudes and behaviors and then there are those that are split, philosophically conservative and socially liberal. At least in my state these differences are very distinct and cannot be parsed by reading a website or potentially even touring. For instance, in Michigan, Calvin, Hope and Hillsdale are very, very different. One is socially and philosophically conservative, one is philosophically conservative and socially liberal and one is politically conservative and socially liberal not really aligned with any religious beliefs. But I’ve seen them tossed around in the same conservative pot by posters. </p>
<p>OP hopefully she will find her people and perhaps has a better chance of that at the particular school as time goes by.</p>
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<p>Not to hijack this thread, but in history, the average age was somewhere around 15/16 for white girls (slightly lower for blacks and Latinas). It is only in EXTREMELY recent times that it’s lowered so much (~150 years or so). </p>
<p>Anyway, there are very few colleges- at all- that will regulate the lives of adults to such an extent. My college didn’t even have a questionnaire for roommates- it was just random and seemed to work quite well. If your D is being sexiled it has nothing to do with the “Christian-ness” of the college, it has to do with the thoughtlessness of the roommate. This is why people have roommate agreements and RAs.</p>
<p>Yeah, but as I’m finding, if the RM is convinced of her “correctness” there’s really little that even the RA can do. It becomes a case of just how much the roommate can tolerate OR if the roommate can finagle a roommate change.</p>
<p>It seems to me that the appropriate title for OP’s post would be “For socially conservative parents”, for her concerns about her daughter’s living arrangements are not unique to a particular religion. As has been pointed out, followers of Christ-based religions can be liberal and non-Christians can be conservative–I assume an observant Muslim mother would be equally distressed about a sexually active roommate.</p>
<p>Going slightly off topic, as a non-Christian I have to ask: when did the term “Christian” come to mean only “very conservative/evangelical/Protestant”? When I was growing up, a Christian was anyone, Protestant or Catholic, whose religious beliefs centered around Jesus Christ, and believers would identify themselves as Catholics, Methodists, Lutherans, etc., but never just “Christians”. Is it just that I grew up in the Northeast, or is this a sea change?</p>
<p>Hey calamari89, how will your daughter know her next roommate will be better?</p>
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<p>I am a Christian from the South and experienced the same thing growing up, so it’s not just a regional thing. When I was young, “Christian” was always understood to mean anyone who was a follower of Jesus Christ. Granted, there weren’t many Catholics in this part of the country. Most people were Baptists, Methodists, and Presbyterians. Most were fairly moderate theologically, with a good number of conservatives and a few liberals around, but people generally worked together amicably. Most people were socially (personally) conservative, at least in NC – little to no drinking, gambling, extramarital sex, etc. – but fairly diverse politically.</p>
<p>The national rightward political turn of the 1980s brought the Moral Majority and other political groups that called themselves “Christian” and declared or suggested that anyone who did not subscribe to their particular political and religious views was not a Christian. Non-conservative political groups did not do much to counter that rhetoric, wanting to appeal to people of diverse religious beliefs, so the “Christian right” managed to get a lot of people to associate the word “Christian” with conservative political beliefs.</p>
<p>That association persists to this day, particularly among people who are not Christian. How unfortunate. Christianity is about following Jesus, not a political system.</p>
<p>Jesus always seems pretty liberal to me.</p>
<p>Also, MommaJ, I agree with your comment about the title. My Muslim friend would be just as concerned about the roommate situation as I would be.</p>
<p>calamari – I am so sorry that your daughter has been dealing with this. No one at any college should have to be either shut out of her own room or subjected to a roommate’s sexual escapades in the room. Will her RA help? Regardless of the code of conduct, your daughter has the right to use her own room and not to have to witness a public sex show.</p>
<p>Marsian- very good input. And to the OP…my D decided against a particular school after seeing the comments on the FB page for accepted students. Social media can be useful in determining a campus culture. There are many FB pages for different groups on campus and they are very educational. I am not sure this could have been avoided without your daughter specifically stating her objection to such a situation, in comments section on her questionnaire, but she probably did not anticipate this issue. Roommate contracts are important and respecting others is even more so. Consider this one of many lessons in tolerance and conflict resolution. This too shall pass.</p>
<p>Calamari,
I am a Christian parent (and a Protestant pastor). It sounds like your daughter was pretty isolated until now, and only exposed to conservative friends/family/ideals. Joining the “real world” and being exposed to other ways of life and attitudes can be overwhelming. If she joins the conservative Christian organization on campus or finds an outreach program of a nearby conservative Christian congregation, she should be able to find a supportive group of peers to be her anchor while she learns to get along with people outside of her own world view.</p>
<pre><code>My daughter’s (Catholic) school had a dorm floor called My Father’s House, which housed all flavors of Christianity. It provided many spiritual growth and volunteer activities that enabled all of them to listen to each other’s viewpoints: some developed new views for themselves, and some affirmed more strongly the teachings from their childhoods. All treated each other with respect, so there were no situations like your daughter faces with being “sexiled”.
Encourage your daughter to work with the RA and her roommate to come up with an arrangement that is acceptable to both of them (while it may repulse your daughter, she will have to accept the fact that sexual activity is going to happen in that room, as long as it isn’t keeping her out of the room for unreasonable amounts of time). And to find those other students who are like her.
Who knows, maybe one of those other conservative Christian friends will be in a similar situation and they can arrange to swap rooms!
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<p>I don’t understand how being Christian plays into this, but that’s just me. There are students of all religions having sex, and students of all religions who choose to abstain. It kind of reminds me about the time when my daughter commented about how kids in AP classes don’t drink. She is smart, but naive. </p>
<p>Unfortunately this is a problem that many college students may face and will need to work out. KKmama gave some good advice.</p>