<p>D starts freshman year in a few days at a school just over three hours away. The plan has always been that she would take her car with her. H overheard her tell BF that she plans to drive home every weekend to visit him. I can think of a lot of reasons why this is a bad idea, so I'm trying to figure out how to stop it.</p>
<p>1) Don't let her take the car. This is the only way I can think of to completely put a stop to this, but is sure to cause some very hard feelings and inconvenience us since we would have to make the 6-7 drive round trip to bring her home for visits.</p>
<p>2) Let her take the car, but put limits on how often she can visit him. The problem is I don't know how to enforce this. She could stay with his family or friends and I would never know. I don't want to put the roommate who she doesn't even know in the position of having to keep track of my daughter for me.</p>
<p>3) Wait and see if this wears off within a few weekends. If not, go back to 1 or 2.</p>
<p>Him visiting her is not an option since he would have no way to get there. He doesn't have a car and his mom won't let him use hers. There is very limited transportation there - I think flying is the only option. Since he doesn't work, he couldn't possibly afford a ticket.</p>
<p>Does anybody have any other thoughts or suggestions? </p>
<p>Is she allowed to have a car on campus and if so, is it expensive? You could use that as an out. I would tell her that we wouldn't allow the car this semester because she needs to settle in safely and develop bonds wih the school, which her plans wouldn't allow.</p>
<p>I have to say that I think driving three hours each way every weekend is a very bad idea and it's also a bad idea for her to be out of the school every weekend.</p>
<p>We have the same problem, minus the car and plus several hours. D is going to be TEN HOURS from her boyfriend and is insistant that every long weekend/break she gets, she is going to go up to see him. Major holidays and Christmas break won't be a problem because they will both be home anyway. But she wants a car so that if she just feels like seeing him she can drive the 10 hours and do it. Doesn't seem to get the problems with this idea. Fortunately, we can't afford to get her a car, so that's taken out of the equation. STill, it's the determination that worries me. </p>
<p>In your situation can you get her to come to a compromise on the issue? Say, her choice: either leave the car at home or agree on a visit schedule that doesn't include every weekend? That would let her participate in the decision making. The whole thing would hinge on how determined she is and how willing she would be to go without your knowing.</p>
<p>YOu could put a tracking device in the car. lol.</p>
<p>Let's see. He doesn't have a car, he doesn't have a job, his mother won't let him borrow her's, and I think I can infer from your post that he's living at home. A real winner. Exactly how much do you think D's gas bill will be for these trips? 3 hours x 60mph = 180 miles at 20mpg = 9 gallons x $4 x 2 ways = $72 a week that I'm sure you won't provide (without making a point of this- say "there's just no money, honey" ;)). I'd probably let this one play itself out. I think I know how it will end.</p>
<p>As long as it doesn't end with AdvMom's daughter in a car accident.</p>
<p>ZS has a serious boyfriend. He seems too good to be true. I am suspicious because that's how I am. One of my oldest and dearest friends knows him and his family very well. Says he's exactly as wonderful as he appears to be. Older daughter's best friend went to school with him and says the same thing. I just don't know. She hasn't stepped a toe out of line since meeting him, though, and he's often at my house and I can independently verify their persence at his house with his parents very often. </p>
<p>Hijack over. </p>
<p>Whose car is it, yourr or hers? Who would pay for the gas and wear and tear? When would her schedule permit studying/papers/participation in school activities? Do you know anyone who could threaten him?</p>
<p>It is a very bad idea. I would take her car away. College is more than just academic, it is the whole college experience - making friends, joining clubs, going to lectures... She would be missing out on all of that by not been on campus on weekends. If she was just interested in getting a degree by going to classes, then she could stay home to go to a local college. </p>
<p>Last year I was upset with my daughter because I thought she was spending too much time on the Greek life. I told her what we were paying for was all other opportunities the university has to offer, not just the academic. They had great guest speakers she would probably never be able to see again, she was missing out on dance clubs...</p>
<p>This year she has her car at school. She mentioned she may come home more often to visit. I told her no, it is important for her to be at school with her friends (community).</p>
<p>I bet the urge to drive three hours every weekend (six hours round trip) will wear off VERY QUICKLY.</p>
<p>Our older daughter (who just graduated in May) had a BF when she left for college that was just 75 miles away. She came home after two weeks and then he went up to visit once, and it was over - she broke up with him! I think that even though it was only an hour and twenty minute drive, she really did not like driving it. Also, she found she was meeting some great kids in college and wanted to spend time getting to know them. Colleges plan lots of activities, especially for freshmen and especially in the first semester, designed to keep them on campus so they bond with the school and other students. I would bet your D will hear about these activities, see the other students are going and will feel left out if she is constantly coming home. </p>
<p>I talked to my D the summer before she left about considering ending the relationship as she had "miles to go" in life and she would be missing a big part of the college experience by tying herself down to someone attending another college. They had also dated 3 years in high school, so it had been pretty long term. I told her that she could blame it on us (the parents) if she was not comfortable just "breaking up" - say that we weren't allowing her to come home, or felt she would be doing a disservice to her college experience by dating someone back at home. At the time I talked to her she was ADAMENT that she was NOT breaking up with him!! I think she got to school, was in the honors program and was surrounded with so many kids who were so much like her (was not the case in hs) and realized I was right - although I doubt she will ever admit it.</p>
<p>As fate would have it, a couple of months after that she met a wonderful young man, they dated all through college (I had hoped she would "date around" some) and there were married a week ago Saturday!</p>
<p>
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Do you know anyone who could threaten him?
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LOL zoosermom.</p>
<p>Advmom - you don't live in Texas do you - you sound like my best friend who has the exact problem with her daughter - down to the same distance and the b/f does not have money or work. </p>
<p>Are you planning on giving her spending money? Or does she have her own savings? As curm said the weekly trip will cost her a fortune with gas prices the way they are. We don't give our daughter spending money as such but do spring for a couple of gas fill ups a month. I know she would be hard put to come up with nearly $300 a month for gas.</p>
<p>Well...taking the BF out of this...I would NOT allow her to have a car on campus until Thanksgiving. That way, she will be able to acclimate to the life ON her college campus. We have some friends here who have a student going off for his freshman year. He will have a car, but not for the first two months. His parents want him ON campus on the weekends, making connections, finding out what's up, being with college friends, doing HOMEWORK. They do not want him coming home at least during that first two months. No girlfriend in the picture...just helping him make a better adjustment to college.</p>
<p>I think driving six hours a weekend is TOO much...and too many miles on the car, AND too expensive. Sorry, for economic reasons and those stated in my first paragraph...I'd say...no.</p>
<p>If she is going to have the car on campus, I would hold her responsible for ALL of the car expenses...gas, maintenance, insurance, parking fees, etc...everything.</p>
<p>He lives with his mother and stepfather, but spends most of his time on my sofa. (At least that's about to end!) Father is out of state and I think fairly well off, but supposedly parents refuse to pay for his education so he is also not going to school. </p>
<p>Car is legally mine, but essentially is hers. We have been paying all car related expenses. Watching the gas purchases on the credit card would probably be an easy way to track how much she is driving. I didn't think of that before.</p>
<p>School does allow freshmen to have cars on campus and parking decal was already purchased at orientation.</p>
<p>At this point, I like the idea of a compromise while letting her know we will be tracking how much she is driving. I'm not sure H will agree though.</p>
<p>Since you understandably do not want her to come home every weekend to visit her BF, why are you paying the gas money that will allow her to do so? You can let her have a car for on campus and nearby but refuse to pay for gas money for these other trips. Tell her those are on HER dime. Why finance something you don't support?</p>
<p>By the way, l don't have this BF issue with my daughters. But that aside, one of my D's has a car at school that we pay for. We pay for the car, the insurance, and the parking. The only gas we pay for is for her trips home for breaks. She comes home at most four times over 12 months. For other gas money around town for her own purposes, she can pay for. And that has nothing to do with controlling visits to BFs but just in general. But in YOUR case, why would you pay gas for her to come home on weekends to visit BF? That is not something you want (and should not want) and if she does, let her find a way to fund it. Or, she doesn't have to have a car the first semester either, as another option.</p>
<p>I think it's time to quit paying all the car related expenses.</p>
<p>My friend has a son with a GF like your D. She came home every weekend to see her son. They are still together after two years of this, but the GF never made any friends at school. Now they are both going to a different college together in the fall (and it isn't near as good of a school as where she was going.)</p>
<p>My S is going to college next month and doesn't have a car (can't have one at school anyway) but his GF is a high school senior. His school is only a little over an hour away. I am hoping she doesn't go visit him every weekend.</p>
<p>I agree with the Soozie, Curmudg and others who wonder where she is getting the money to pay for the car. If she has it, then fine and dandy. If you are providing it, you are an enabler. Heck, we've been going back and forth to help out MIL this summer, and I feel the cost. Gas is high. Throw in the tolls and upkeep, and each trip to MD is costing us quite a bit. </p>
<p>None of my kids had cars before or during college. The oldest who is now on his own is really sucking it down, paying for a car. It came down to a place of his own or a car in our area. Now he is out in a cheaper city, and can just barely make it with a car. He had no idea despite what we told him about how expensive a car is until he painfully learned on his own. Had we paid for a car for him during college, he would have felt entitled to the thing thereafter. This way he learned that a car is a huge financial luxury.</p>
<p>Friend of mine's D is suffering the same way. Got a great job at a great salary after graduating law school. But she is in an expensive city. To live in good, safe housing means little money left for a car. She is outraged that at that salary level, she still can't afford both.</p>
<p>I would not make it about the boyfriend. That is usually a very touch issue and can lead to a lot of harm if you pick a fight about that. But just make it clear that she has to pay for the costs of the car and the trips to see BF. My bet is that she will get tired of the trips in time as school proceeds. H and I had a successful long distance relationship, but it was not easy. A true trial by fire. Money was a big problem, as was distance. If your D and her BF can work this out, great for them.</p>
<p>I think you'll all be better off if you don't start sending blurry messages about the gas money, the mileage, so much driving, the BF, etc. If you start treating her like an adult she may surprise you and start acting like an adult.</p>
<p>"Honey, we know how attached you are to Fred, and starting college can be scary after so many years living at home. I'm sure you feel that you'll never make any new friends or meet any nice guys and feel out of your element, but everyone feels that way. One of the great things about first semester of Freshman year is that everyone has to make an effort to make friends-- and if you're already planning to have your social life revolve around Fred, we're concerned that you won't be developing all these networks and relationships when everyone else is. Have you thought about what would happen if you and Fred break up next summer, and you have to go back to college and start doing what everyone else did as a Freshman, i.e. spend your weekends discovering fun things to do and people to do them with?"</p>
<p>Then you can suggest that she spend the first month on campus- as a "try it out compromise" and then by Columbus Day decide how much she wants to come home or visit BF-- and then you can all decide how much $ you are prepared to contribute to the effort.</p>
<p>My kids didn't have cars in HS or college- it was not a priority financially for us as a family and so since the kids couldn't afford the insurance, parking etc on their own it was moot. Our insurance company allowed us to stop paying on them for the months they were in school, which wasn't a huge savings but was sure nice not to be paying premiums for those accident prone years. But since you've indicated to your daughter that you can afford it... pulling out the money trump card now feels a little manipulative to me. Are you telling her that if you approved of the BF (i.e. he had a job or a car or was going to college himself) that you'd miraculously be able to afford the gas?????</p>
<p>My point is- you've got a lotta years ahead of you where your financial resources are deeper than hers. Don't kick off the beginning of her adulthood with you using the cash as a club to get her to date who you want her to, spend her weekends doing Mommy approved activities, etc. Try to talk to her as if she's a rational grownup... which in fact, she may be!</p>
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suggest that she spend the first month on campus- as a "try it out compromise" and then by Columbus Day decide how much she wants to come home or visit BF-- and then you can all decide how much $ you are prepared to contribute to the effort
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and with the poster who said
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I bet the urge to drive three hours every weekend (six hours round trip) will wear off VERY QUICKLY.
<p>As I said, we don't have a BF in the picture for D who has a car. But you can put the BF aside. I would not fund my D to come home every weekend, BF or not. Of course, my D doesn't want to come home and we are excited if she makes it here over a six month period! But my point is, that I would not fund a child coming home every weekend irregardless of a BF in the picture. I would be willing to pay for gas to come home on the holiday breaks. If my D wanted more than that, I'd discourage it but I could not entirely control it but would not be funding it either. </p>
<p>By the way, unrelated to money, my other D is the one who had a HS BF up through leaving for college six hours away. She graduated HS early after junior year and so her BF still had senior year to go and she was going off to college at 16. I am happy to say (and I realize you cannot control this), she had the wisdom to be realistic and knew she'd only be home 2-3 times over a 12 month period (indeed that, is all she comes home.....about three times per year that totals to about 12 days per year) and that it wasn't realistic to keep their relationship going and she wanted to enjoy college the way she was meant to and while it broke the boy's heart (as he was not the one starting a new college life), she explained that it was better to not be BF/GF under such circumstances and to remain good friends. However, many do as your D is doing and hope to continue dating long distance, and you can't stop her (though she is likely to break up eventually) but if you are funding her to go to a college away from home and expect her to stay at that college, I would not fund trips home except for the usual school breaks. You are paying for a college experience away from home. I don't see why you need to fund weekly trips home if that is not what you thought you were sending her away to school for. I would not even bring up the BF issue here. If she wants to visit him every weekend, let her pay to do that. I only pay for travel to visit us on breaks and not other trips my kids wish to make by car or plane or train. In my opinion, you cannot control visits or relationships. But you can control what activites you fund or not. I pay for certain things and it is not meant to control my kids and what they do. But I have no interest or funds to pay for extra trips they desire to do. I am only willing to pay for travel for school breaks or to visit family. It is not that I don't WANT them to visit boys or any other pleasurable excursion but that is for them to pay for. My D has a BF at college and he has invited her to visit his parents for a long weekend far away. I am supportive of her trip. I won't be funding it.....and not because I don't want her to go because I am fine with her going....but because I can't afford it and do not feel I have to fund her travel for pleasure. Actually, her BF is paying for it!!</p>
<p>We told our daughter we would pay for 2 fill ups a month - nothing blurry about it and nothing to do with her (now ex) boyfriend (well other than that he was of the "lets go in your car all the time because it has better mileage but i can't afford to help with the gas because i don't have a job and you do" variety - but we didn't tell her that). I think it is quite acceptable OP to set limits like that. In fact a good idea b/f or no b/f.</p>
<p>Our daughter does have a car at school. Where we live there is no public transportation either within the town or to get to or from the town (and i do mean none - no local buses, no trains, no greyhound, no anything) so not having a car is not an option. She has very old old car with surprisingly good gas mileage (28 mpg) but we do pay her insurance and car maintenance. But we do not give her spending money other than the 2 tanks of gas.</p>
<p>swimcatsmom...we are like you. We had to have a kids' car here as there is NO public transportation. Now, at college, we have allowed D1 to have the car there and it also helps as her method get home. We always paid for the car and insurance. But at college, we feel she has to pay for gas for the privilege of having the car at school. But we are willing to pay for gas to come home or visit family as we would never want her to hesitate to do those things due to cost. But any other trips my kids make by car, train, or plane, they fund themselves. And it has nothing to do with BFs.</p>