<p>Our kids did/do not have a car at college either. However, I know kids who do. Sometimes it works out just fine. But sometimes the kids abuses the privilege and the parent is in a quandary as to what to do. I know many of us, myself included, are too generous sometimes at the onset only to find the generosity misused which may be the situation here.</p>
<p>Well, this has certainly gotten interesting.</p>
<p>It's not that we don't want her visiting the BF. He is not the issue. It is that we expect her to spend most of her time on and around campus. I would have the same concern if she was only visiting family.</p>
<p>If we take away the car, it will not be only because of this issue. We have had some other issues with her lately. Most of which is related to our funding more of her social life than we should be. They are perfectly fine activities, but we shouldn't have to pay for them. And right now she doesn't have the funds to pay us back.</p>
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Well, this has certainly gotten interesting.
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Yes - these threads tend to take on a life of their own.</p>
<p>Yes, Advmom, I've fallen into that situation myself. Our kids were so good during high school in terms of not taking advantage of our funding their activities that it took us by surprise when they started to do so. I don't thik it was a deliberate decision either on their part. It's like slicing salami. Each thin slice is no big deal, and then all of a sudden more of the log is gone than you wanted. I guess at some point, and it doesn't get sooner than now, you gotta sit down and say, whoa there. We are getting tight on the money with college looming on the horizon, and all of us need to cut back. The car is a big cost item. Gasoline is a big cost item especially given the increase in price. We have been subsidizing more and more of your social activities, and now that we are paying for college, everyone has to cut back.<br>
We are suffering from some of this as well. I blame myself for a lot of this.</p>
<p>AdvMom....it is too late now but the summer before entering college is a good one to work and save for extra spending money at college. Perhaps your D could wait to have a car after freshman year. My D had it after freshman year but mostly because younger sister was using it at home the year that older one was a freshman. Not many freshmen have cars. </p>
<p>I admit I didn't grapple with this issue as my kids would not want to come home frequently but if they did, I would not go along with that and it defeats the purpose of sending them away to college. Since you are funding college and funding housing and food on weekends, I think it is fair to have an expectation that she spends most of her weekends at school and comes home maybe for the fall break, Thanksgiving break and holiday break this first semester. </p>
<p>We are generous with our kids.....we pay for all of college, all food, all clothing, all books and school supplies, and all travel home (for the few times per year they come home). We also give an allowance. However, both of our children have earned considerable money which they use to supplement their spending money and have what they want. How they spend it is up to them. But they certainly have their own money. If I were you, since it is too late for this summer, I would make it clear that next summer your D has a job that allows her to save up for extra spending money in college. I would say that this is fairly normal to contribute to spending money for a college student to have to do.</p>
<p>BTW, she recently quit her job since she is going away to school. The money she earned has all been spent on things I would not have approved of. So she didn't have the money to spend on the "acceptable" things that I have been funding. But the stuff I have been funding has gotten out of hand - sometimes because she is going out too much, but mainly because BF is not paying his fair share.</p>
<p>Now is the time to sit and talk about money and the lack thereof. If she has spent all of her money, including what she should have had for college, it means that she is not going to have the discretionary funds that she would have. You may have to tell her that you were counting on her to have some money for college and that you cannot increase what you have allotted as an allowance. If she can come up with what she needs to make the trips on what you have planned, then that is fine. Otherwise, she is out of luck. If you have the money, but feel it is not right to subsidize her, it becomes more difficult. You will have to let her know what you feel is fair for her as a college student. THe problem with being overly generous with kids at college is that they can really get used that standard of living and if you cannot continue to provide it outside of college, it is going to be a tough step down. I have one in this scenario. Hurts me a lot. I did not draw the line when I should have done so, because there really was no one thing that made me pause. It's just that we were paying for too much and he was not taking on more responsibility as he should have. It is so difficult for some kids to make that adult step, and we have to help them with it if they cannot or will not if we do not want to continue to pay.</p>
<p>I like the idea of no car until at least Thansgiving break, giving your daughter time to develop some friendships beyond her hometown boy. That said, what clinched the 'no-car' decision for my daughter (no BF involved) was the fact that she would have to shovel out her car if it snows, no matter the time of day or night, or it would be towed. She made the decision herself not to bring her car. I'm not sure if your daughter's college gets snow, but check on their policy if it does. Three 0'clock in the morning is a very cold and dark time to be shoveling a car that really is not a necessity.</p>
<p>I paid for everything through HS. I pretty much pay for most everything in college but the extra spending money which they have earned themselves. But from what you are writing, AdvMom, is that there is no "limit". When my kids left for college, they were given a limit.....and I think that time is upon you now as well. In other words, it is not a bottomless pit. We give our kids monthly allowance, monthly food (they are no longer on meal plans but we papy the equivalent of a full meal plan), and then reimburse them for books and travel home. They also have a yearly clothing budget and we keep a tally for that but do not hand them cash for it (they use our credit card and a running total for clothing is kept). The allowance and food money, etc. is put into their accounts monthly. Then, they have their own supplemental spending money which they earned. So, it is not like if their spending money runs out, we give them more. They have a monthly budget from all these sources. Your D needs something like this. My kids knew when they earned money to save it for college extra spending money to supplement what we give them. </p>
<p>Both have earned a great deal in fact. My older one has the lump sum of all her earnings to draw upon for extra money for spending or vacations, etc. My younger one is not as good with managing it and so she gave me her very large sum of earnings to put in an account at home and I send her the agreed upon portion of her own money per month to add to her spending money so that she doesn't go through it all. My older daughter doesn't need that but we found this is best with the younger one and so it is her own money but we send her her own money by the month as she has a lot of it and is planning to hold onto some for after graduation. </p>
<p>As your D leaves for college, it is time to give her an agreed amount per month for whatever, and if she wants more, she'll have to earn extra spending money herself. In other words, you can be generous (like I feel we are) but that need not translate into a bottomless pit of handing over more as she wants more. Your daughter will now be living on her own and so it means learning to deal with money. The amount my kids get is set in advance. In fact, we are seeing both our kids this coming weekend (not at home all summer and haven't been here since May and won't be back til Thanksgiving) and going over the amounts of checks they'll be getting monthly for rent, food, utilities, allowance, subway, etc. and then for books/school supplies, we reimburse them whatever they need for that but do not lay that out in advance. Again, for clothing, they have a yearly budget and are not handed money for that but charge the clothes to their running tally we maintain for the year. While we pay for most things, it is a SET amount and then they have their OWN funds from working to add to the spending money pile or to use for vacations or whatever they want. We do not oversee how they spend the money. But the amount is a "given."</p>
<p>Well...the car sounds like only part of the issue. Agreed...time to discuss finances with this daughter...and agree on what the parents WILL and WILL NOT pay for. We fund no recreational activities or discretionary spending for our college kids. We didn't fund that "stuff" in high school either. Both kids have jobs and pay for these things themselves...including gas in the cars...if they want to drive them.</p>
<p>If this parent wants to fund recreational activities, that's one thing. But she may want to give a finite amount per month and then her daughter has to budget accordingly. Right now, she just gets money when she runs out. That may be fine when living at home but now part of the independence at college should be learning how to manage money, even if the money is coming from parents. I happen to believe that some should come from the student herself but the main thing is that there is a limit of funds she has to work with.</p>
<p>I don't think a freshman should have a car on campus in the first place. Most other students won't, and your daughter will end up being the chauffeur, not to mention the risk of accidents, loss of study time, etc. Second, a three-hour one way trip is too long for an 18-year old to do alone on a weekly basis. It's a waste of gas and money as well as risky. I don't know what kind of road conditions she would be confronting, but that is too much driving for a teenager. Even if she used her own car that she paid with using her own money (also gas and insurance) then there is still the environmental damage to consider. Don't people care about how much their driving is contributing to energy dependence and pollution? Maybe she needs to take a class in energy conservation. It's so wasteful. </p>
<p>And the romance will probably be over by Thanksgiving anyway.</p>
<p>Re the car and the bf: What blossom said. (#17)</p>
<p>Re funding too much of things you think are unwise/unecessary expenditures: now is the perfect, and easiest time to stop. It is a great time to talk with her about the transition to being more on her own; ergo, time to manage her own $$; ergo, you will provide 0 (as some parents choose or need to choose) or $xx/semester. And that is all. Choose a figure that is enough (and no more than enough) for items you wish to subsidize (books, modest walking-around money). The rest is up to her. It is time. For her benefit.</p>
<p>Do not expect her to thank you for your wisdom in making this change. But it is the best thing you could do for her.</p>
<p>It's easy to be generous when the kids are doing what they should be doing. When they get into the area where they are taking things too much for granted, being irresponsible and making unwise decisions, it becomes difficult to cut things off as it is often not possible to determine when the line was crossed. I feel for you. It is a tough go.</p>
<p>If daughter doesn't get to see her boyfriend every weekend, she'll probably be miserable.</p>
<p>If daughter does come home every weekend, she won't be miserable because she'll get to see loverboy, but she will spend too much time driving up and driving back. Additionally, she won't get any homework or studying done during this time. The result is that her grades will be negatively affected.</p>
<p>Been there, done that with my daughter. Good luck!</p>
<p>Aah, so there are other issues besides the driving and the BF. No surprise.</p>
<p>My observation is that some kids can be told, "here's $2,000. It's to cover books, lab fees, any meals or food not covered by your meal plan, transportation to and from home for Xmas, entertainment, shampoo, pizza or whatever. If you run out too bad." Those kids either budget very carefully, learn to comparison shop or don't need lots of stuff, and find an art movie house on campus which shows cool films for $1 with student ID. If they want something extra they go out and get a job "Mom, I'd like to do a spring break trip to Honduras to build houses with Habitat. The college will subsidize me for $500 and I've saved $800 from my job which covers the fees. Ok if I sign up?" If you have one of these kids you are very, very lucky.</p>
<p>More typical is the kid who needs a little more hand-holding in the financial arena, although in my experience nobody knows how much hand-holding until the kid has done something monstrously stupid. So for a kid who has some budgeting experience, you might try the Soozie method, which is that the kid gets cash for some things, gets to charge other things to Mom's credit card (with the limits discussed in advance, and the purpose of said items cleared in advance) and the parents pay directly for tuition, room, etc. Parents also let the kid know what's on their dime (gas for the drive home at T-giving) and what's not (recreational "hanging out" with half the Freshman dorm.) You will all need to communicate frequently on this plan- but the kid quickly learns that Nordstrom costs more than Target, and that perking a good cup of coffee in your dorm room costs less than Starbucks. You may get the sudden charge on the creidt card for something that you would NEVER buy for yourself, but if your kid knows that buying a handbag at Nordstrom means wearing the old winter jacket for another two years and not being able to get crocs or Uggs or whatever ugly shoe everyone else has... then that's also part of growing up and being responsible- life is full of trade-offs.</p>
<p>Then there are the kids who literally need the money doled out monthly with little room for mistakes. Those kids have the credit card for dire emergencies only, and everything else must be cleared with Mom and Dad in advance. This is exhausting, but if your child has substance issues, or online poker habits, or a taste for French Champagne, I guess it's the only way to keep things in line.</p>
<p>My suggestion is an open discussion (Now, not when you drop her off) about the money. You don't need to get judgemental- but you can show her where the limits are. So you can say, "I see you bought a new comforter and new towels for your dorm room- they are very cute. I had planned to give you the ones from your bedroom at home so you could save the money you earning this summer to help pay for books and your other expenses. If you'd prefer to do that, I'd be happy to go with you to Bed and Bath or wherever and return the ones you bought. If you'd rather keep what you bought new, we need to come up with a plan so that you can cover some of your expenses this semester. Dad and I have budgeted XXX for you; the college estimates that you'll need YYY. Barring any emergencies- and of course we'll always be here for emergencies-- you need about $500 extra. Were you planning to get a job once you got to campus????"</p>
<p>If your D has been treating her summer earnings like the money was 100% for fun, you may have a difficult conversation on your hands. However, the best retort for parents is that of course, the money we earn doesn't get to go for manicures and trips to the spa and sushi dinners with our friends- first it has to cover the mortgage and health insurance and life insurance and electricity and all that boring stuff. You may have to repeat this conversation about 50 times between now and college graduation, but eventually they get it.</p>
<p>I still maintain that using money as a means of control is a bad way to start off your D's adult life. Which means that you can't give her money and then get mad at how she spends it, nor can you expect her to know that her earnings are earmarked for her living expenses and not her evenings out with BF unless you've told her that.</p>
<p>I agree blossom, I have one who is miserly and saving money on what we give her, I could give her 4 years worth of funding and she would be fine. We use the same "formula" for her sister and even giving it only every three months she is usually short of money by the third- even when living on campus with a meal plan!</p>
<p>I think you need to have a forthcoming talk about what you will and will not do monetarily; this should be separate from anything to do with the BF, but definitely is related to the gas & driving back and forth- gas money, more frequent oil changes & maintenance with all that extra driving, plus insurance rates should she get a ticket ( more exposure) You can sure bring up the gas funding and merely mention that when you told her she could take the car you were not planning on her driving home- so you don't want the extra mileage on the car, nor will you fund the gas, how would she? You can also bring up needing to stay on campus straight through for the first 6-8 weeks w/ judging the BF at all, just talking about the college experience she needs to have</p>
<p>There are also the kids who are just financial disasters. They run their accounts to sub zero and have fees incurred all over the place. I have seen them. I have them, though in all fairness, the irresponsibility did not start in college with my first son. It's being out of school that is the problem. Same with second son, who is now living off campus. Both of them did well living on campus in dorms where spending opportunities are more structured and limited.</p>
<p>If you have one of those, it may be wise to give the student one of those prepaid visa cards you can get at CVS and to replenish it regularly, or deposit allowance in weekly increments in bank account. Some kids have great difficulty planning expenses way in advance and will spend all they have. With that prepaid card, their credit record is not affected, nor is yours. Also my kids did fine with dining dollars and campus cash. It was the off campus expenses that did them in. </p>
<p>Currently both of my college boys are on an allowance that I have carefully set. They have some money on the prepaid visa, and I have deposit slips so I can put make deposits to their bank accounts. I also have dining dollars/campus cash available for them. But I do e-mail them regularly, reminding them of what I've deposited and what I know they need to pay. I am no longer as generous as I used to be especially with non directed money. I'll pay for something but not blanketly give money because my boys have either not earned this privilege or abused it. </p>
<p>I agree with Somemom about the car, but it may already be "fait accomplit" in terms of taking it to school. You can still limit spending and set up a budget so that D does not have unlimited funds to travel and spend on recreation. This is all part of growing pains.</p>
<p>I would NEVER let a suspected irresponsible kid charge ANYTHING to my credit card. NEVER. In fact, my kids have never had my credit card...they have their own (and I have nothing to do with it).</p>
<p>Here's an idea for the OP...Offer to sell the car to your daughter for the Kelly Blue Book price. If she (without ANY financial support from the parents or anyone else) can come up with the purchase price...then she can BUY the car, get the registration transfered to her name (at her expenses), buy her own insurance (at her expense) and voila..she will have the car. If she wants to use the car as an independent student....perhaps owning it and bearing all expenses for its operation should be considered an option. Right now, it's a toy she can use with no expenses...and it sounds like she expects that to continue when she goes to college.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>it may already be "fait accomplit" in terms of taking it to school>></p> </blockquote>
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<p>Why??? Because they paid for a parking pass? The car belongs to the parents...and if they want to tell the student that she can't take it, they are well within their rights to do so. </p>
<p>The more I read...the more I think this student hasn't earned the right to have a car at college.</p>