<p>I have been taking the "consultant" role with her on all the issues. If she opens a topic with me, I provide careful input. I am finding that she already has thought carefully about most of the issues including the boyfriend. Her reasons are very distinct from the boyfriend, but of course it is impossible for her to separate the two entirely. The fact that the choice is so hard probably means that she will be happy at either place and also that she may continue to have regrets about the road not taken. </p>
<p>I am not going to tell her which school to pick. I don't actually KNOW which school she should pick, to be perfectly honest. Sometimes I wonder if all of this is happening because NEITHER is the right choice.</p>
<p>Heron, we know a kid who vacillated back and forth between two superb options and ended up going with the one that would have better "hair weather" (i.e. less humidity). Go figure. She was fine and happy; I thought it was a pretty bizarre way to make a decision but whatever clarifying device helps your daughter sort things through is a fine and valid way to go.</p>
<p>I would not go down the road of neither being the right choice. You may be subtley communicating that there is a perfect college out there, and her job is to identify it. (if you are not doing that, her father certainly is. How can you hate a college????) You are all setting yourselves up for some dark days next November if any of you believe that there is a perfect college out there. All schools offer academic challenges, new and interesting people, a wide range of fun and bizarre interests to explore, etc. Some may have greener, prettier campuses (but are geographically isolated.) Some may be in or near a cool city or town with lots of great stuff going on every night (but may have ugly dorms and no student union). Some may be internationally renowned in her intended field of study (but the kids may be too goth or too preppy or too crunchy/granola) and she may end up switching majors by January anyhow since most kids do.</p>
<p>My point is that the higher you set the bar on this decision, the more ambivalent she will become regardless of how good a choice she makes. Life is filled with trade-offs. My car is not perfect but it was cheap and gets good mileage. My husband is not perfect but he's my best friend and has stuck with me through a lot of ^&*. The more you can set the tone for her making a couple of trade-offs, the happier she is likely to be come September. Otherwise..... you may be back here next March debating her transfer options. Yike!</p>
<p>I had a tough choice of which (grad) school to attend and ultimately ended up taking two days where I didn't discuss it with anyone and tried not to explicitly think about the choice. On the first day, I just acted as though I was going to attend School A in the fall, and on the second day I acted as though I was going to School B. The difference in my anxiety levels between the two days was a great guide to what I should choose.</p>
<p>My trick for tough decisions is to flip a coin. Usually while it's in the air or when it lands I know what I'm hoping for. If I don't then I figure either decision is a good one. </p>
<p>Studies have shown that a few months past a decision, folks are so happy they've have changed the way they look at it and can't imagine why they thought the unchosen option was even close. </p>
<p>The worst outcome is to get hung up on what you're giving up with the unchosen. Our brains are really good at if only games. So my caution on pro/con lists is that it might provide fuel for the "if only..." after she's made a decision. </p>
<p>Last thought - it many cases dad is around a lot longer than boyfriend and HATE is pretty strong. Being closer to bf won't be likely to make a freshman experience better if she spends much time with him. You may be able to judge how these factors will play with her.</p>
<p>jym626, we have a little more info coming in today. If she doesn't decide soon, like now, it will too late to switch to school #2 and then her only choices will be to go to school #1, or take a year or semester off to make a proper choice. Haivng to decide one way or another RIGHT NOW is, of course, enormous pressure and I'm not sure that she is going to be able to do it. So my bet is that it's school #1 by default, or wait. I will definitely let you know.</p>
<p>Thank you all tremendously. I have appreciated every story, suggestion, and word of support. My daughter's father, my ex-husband, has not been able to help or support her or me in this problem, and so I'm pretty much relying on friends, in which group I now include those of you who have helpled out here. </p>
<p>Blossom -- love the "hair weather" choice, and thanks for reminding me that no school is perfect.</p>
<p>Probably a day late on this point, but I agree with Annika that the private room shouldn't be a factor. It may not even be a positive at all. A week into the fall, when the roommates who have bonded are going to dinner together, that single could be a lonely place. And I agree with Blossom that a year from now, either choice is likely to feel like it was the right one - even to the point of her wondering how she could have ever considered that other school!</p>
<p>reading all this reminds me of my d's decision to go to boarding school, which I desperately wanted her to (but also was ambivalent about losing her, etc).</p>
<p>I told her to just apply (she was dragging her feet) and we would just decide if she got in. (there never was any question, but I didn't tell her that)</p>
<p>When she got in, I told her it was her choice but that she should attend the open house weekend they had and see what she thought.</p>
<p>I was very careful to stay out of it at this point, and that is HARD for someone like me. In fact, I think I said to her that either way, I would be okay with her choice because I gained and lost something with either decision.</p>
<p>Well, she fell in love with the 'buildings', go figure, that weekend. My mental reaction was, 'whatever it takes'!</p>
<p>The important thing is to leave it up to her, that freedom to choose is so important for committing the person to the decision when finally made, although I like the poster who said you can very casually remind her of other variables if she focuses too much on the bf issue, without appearing to prefer one or the other.</p>
<p>The bf thing is so complicated.
Last thing anyone wants is freshman year first semester all eaten up by texting, IMing, drama with the long-distance bf.</p>