<p>My son just told me that a boy a year ahead of him who was known in the debate world as one of the greatest debaters ever (he won many national tournaments, served as a debate judge. and also teacher at a nationally renouned debate institute), a student at Stanford, well liked and hugely respected, committed suicide this past week. The shock waves are resounding through the highschool/college debate world, (see victorybriefs.net) and as a parent, this is of course, devasting to hear. My son did not have a personal relationship with him, but debated against him and was later judged by him several times.
What's so terrifying about this is that apparantly no one saw this coming. This youngster seemed to have a million friends, both at school and literally from all over the country. He was viewed as a confident, outgoing, supremely talented person.
As a parent whose child is leaving for college in a few weeks, this sort of thing is so completely unsettling. How much can we know about the person our child will become, how they will cope, once they leave. One wonders how it is that there was no one to whom this boy felt he could turn. It made me remind my own son that nothing could ever be so bad that he couldn't come to us, and also that schools have people available to go to if things seem unmanageable.</p>
<p>Donemom:</p>
<p>What a tragedy! Sometimes, kids can be hard on themselves; it is particularly hard for someone used to be the best, as this kid obviously was, to ease up on his expectations for himself. It must, indeed, be devastating news for those who got to know him and admire him. Give a hug to your kid.</p>
<p>That is very sad- I think impulsivity is involved when suicide is attempted. He may have had many friends who he could have talked to, but when you are looked at as very competent, it can be hard to find someone you can be very honest with.
as someone who has struggled with depression in the past, I want to say that for me, it wasn't so much that I wanted to end my life, but that I wanted the hurting to stop.
We may never know what private demons anyone has, but we should encourage our children to make mistakes and help them learn from them rather than be afraid of them.</p>
<p>A virtually identical situation occurred several years ago. The Stanford student at that time was Minna Sandmeyer. Similarly, "no one saw it coming." Hers was clearly (retrospectively) a case of clinical depression, disguised by her earnest outgoing nature, likeability, & expectations to maintain her cheerful persona. ("But she was just SOOOO HAAPPY," they all said defiantly, as they amassed disbelievingly to search for her & her bike.) I dialogued with some of her friends at the time, urging them to begin a drop-in support group on campus in her memory, where students would be encouraged to "come out" with their depression, & to be supplied with a list of professional resources.</p>
<p>Depression is a huge problem among many early & late adolescents -- a problem of recognition, a problem of fear of peer & parental rejection, & a problem of not knowing where to turn for resources. The Coming Out is the biggest and most difficult step. Education, information, and saying the D word. Drugs, alcohol, many other dangers of college life have been dealt with far more openly than Depression.</p>
<p>I agree--depression is a huge problem among today's college students.</p>
<p>Richard Kadison, a psychiatrist who heads Harvard's mental health service, has written a book with advice for parents and college students.</p>
<p>He cites surveys that say that 45% of the college student population nationally have been "depressed enough to be unable to function" within the last year. 10% have "seriously considered suicide" within the last year.</p>
<p>Antidepressants have overtaken birth control pills as the most prescribed category of drugs on some campuses.</p>
<p>It is ironic--it seems that depression and college student suicide is a greater problem now than it was back in the late 60s, when a (male) student who did poorly enough to flunk out of college was at risk for being drafted.</p>
<p>Students seem to put too much pressure on themselves these days--the pressure is internal rather than external.</p>
<p>Increasingly students are being urged to take time off before or during college to help deal with mental health problems--this would not have been an option for male students in the 1960s.</p>
<p>I am sorry for your community's loss. When my daughter's friend committed suicide, the initial reaction was also to think/say that there were no signs it was coming. My daughter, for instance, remembers laughing and singing with her friend the very afternoon she died. I remember my daughter saying at the time "She was stressed out, but no more than any of us are" This was a girl who was beautiful, extremely popular and well-liked, and doing well in school. However, looking back, and talking with others who knew her, it soon became clear that there were many signs that she was very depressed. </p>
<p>I think many teens (including college kids) chalk up the stress/depression of their friends as being nothing out of the ordinary, they don't necessarily see when things are reaching a danger point. It is very important for parents to keep asking questions, and keep channels of communication open, even when (maybe especially when) kids go off to college.</p>
<p>Wow. Apparently things are not what they seem (I mean that everyone thought the boy was happy, but that obviously wasn't the case). I guess some people are good at hiding pain/depression??</p>
<p>also other people are good at assuming things are better than they seem.
Its been said that people who are prone to depression aren't any more negative than anyone else- they just see things more realistically.
Depression is difficult because visually you can't identify something wrong. Its not like they have a broken leg and they go to the doctor and they get a cast. Even with all the medications available for depression, it can be very difficult to find one that works for you even if you get past this societys stigma about getting help.
I think the more you are seen as a success by your peers, it may be even more difficult to admit to needing help, even to yourself.
Its important that students even those without depression, understand that it is ok to make mistakes, it is ok to ask for help :)</p>
<p>I think the more you are seen as a success by your peers, it may be even more difficult to admit to needing help, even to yourself.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>I think this is so true Emerald. And, your comment that students need to understand it is OK to make mistakes and ask for help, is wonderful advice .</p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>
[quote]
Even with all the medications available for depression, it can be very difficult to find one that works for you even if you get past this societys stigma about getting help.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>There is also the risk that students may choose to go off their medication abruptly, which can put them in an even more dangerous situation than before they went on. It's understandable that students may want to discontinue a medication that is causing bad side effects and perhaps not making them feel any better, but it's vital to stress that they can't just stop taking meds abruptly without supervision. Tapering off gradually with careful medical monitoring is important.</p>
<p>This is a truly tragic situation, and my heart goes out to this young man's family. Depression is very, very prevalent on college campuses and unfortunately often poorly identified and poorly treated.</p>
<p>Another issue is the rise of what is called the "passing out" game. While typically played by younger teens, it is also, unfortunately, a method of increasing s-e-x-u-a-l pleasure (I typed it that way so it wouldnt get deleted by the filters)- by cutting off airways. Unfortunately, the person can pass out and die-- and it looks like a suicide when it may not have been intended as such. Here's a link to a recent article on this-- and it's been on the news programs (nightline, 20/20) recently as well. <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/07/13/choking.game.ap/%5B/url%5D">http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/07/13/choking.game.ap/</a></p>
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<p>Wisteria and Emerald- your comments are so important. Our kids have to be reminded that they are not expected to always succeed. Many may be very tough on themselves when they don't necessarily shine as they did in high school.They have to know and believe that they are loved and valued for who they are, not what they achieve--that mistakes are not only ok, they are expected as part of life.</p>
</i>
<p>Donemem, Wisteria and Emeraldkty-
You are all so correct. The pressures today... to be thin, to get into the top schools, to please others, to excel at sports, etc etc etc are taking their toll on our kids. My older s. found that his hair was starting to thin from all the pressure in HS. Fortunately he's been able to balance things better in college. I've heard from a lot of folks that HS seemed to be more of a pressure cooker than college. Somehow it's been forgotten that we learn from our mistakes..... but we have to make them first.</p>
<p>And not to go off topic too much again, but here's another article (from 20/20) on the choking game. It is more common than you think. Please talk to your younger kids about this. Its been around for years (eg the movie "Flatline") but it has had an unfortunate revival of late. Scary.<a href="http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Health/story?id=987294&page=1%5B/url%5D">http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Health/story?id=987294&page=1</a></p>
<p>This doesn't relate to the Stanford student at all, but in general I do worry about placing so much emphasis on getting into a top college--starting sometimes as early as preschool and pressing on throughout childhood--such that the actual reality of it, even--or especially--when it's a #1 choice such as HPYS, cannot possibly measure up to all those years of expectations. It's just school. There's more to life, but I think for many kids, they don't know that because school has been all consuming.</p>
<p>The suicide of one of our small town's teens almost exactly one year ago highlighted the utter difficulty of "seeing it coming" among the friends and family. This was a charismatic, popular kid whose parents were aware that he was suffering, working with him and medical/therapeutic resources. Yet, still it happened. </p>
<p>Going off meds (ADHD) and finding the right meds for depression/mood disorder definitely played a part.</p>
<p>Timmy's parents chose, from the very first night, to share publicly, within our own town and in the broader media, everything they experienced in hopes of helping both Timmy's surviving friends and helping other families and teens who might suffer similar situations. Their decision to do this was courageous and loving, imo. For any who are interested (and whom it might help), here are the links to this family's story.<br>
<a href="http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/specialrpts/suicide/041114thompson.shtml%5B/url%5D">http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/specialrpts/suicide/041114thompson.shtml</a>
<a href="http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/specialrpts/suicide/050731thompson.shtml%5B/url%5D">http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/specialrpts/suicide/050731thompson.shtml</a>
<a href="http://www.poynter.org/content/content_view.asp?id=79946%5B/url%5D">http://www.poynter.org/content/content_view.asp?id=79946</a></p>
<p>If you follow the links within the first article, there is just a tremendous amount of helpful information on what the family saw/didn't see; how his choice to stop meds affected him.... I truly believe it can help anyone wondering "how can this happen?" And can help all of us with teens.</p>
<p>As someone who did struggle with these kinds of thoughts, it's easy to put on your happy face. Almost everytime someone committs suicide everyone says "I never saw it coming, they were popular" etc, etc.</p>
<p>jmmom-
What poignant stories. Suicide is difficult for the whole community to process. I am glad that this family allowed the community to heal with them. And celebrian- I hope these issues are behind you, and that you have a strong support system to turn to when life brings its challenges. </p>
<p>I still remember the kid in my 10th grade class, a quirky kid who loved the environment, the theater and hated the Vietnam war. I may not remember all my classmates names, but I remember his; his face, his mannerisms, his wit, his clever, dry sense of humor. And I remember that fall day when the teachers came in to tell us what he had done with his father's gun. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was 1968.</p>
<p>Suicide is a long lasting tragedy. But suicidal ideation is comparatively short-lived. It can, and will go away. Virtually all communities have 24 hr hotlines. Its a good idea to have the number handy - you never know who needs it..</p>
<p>I think the most important thing is to talk, talk, talk. Venting and just saying some stuff out loud relieves the pressure that you're the only one carrying around this burden.</p>
<p>My daughter struggled with serious (suicidal) depression in high school stemming from self-esteem issues (she thought she was fat, stupid and ugly and every little comment from friends/family/teachers validated her viewpoint). It took a village to help her: meds, therapist, family, friends but she succeeded. The one thing I did every single night was talk to her - sometimes just a checking in to gauge her moods. We all know how everything is so much worse at night. Well, my job was to diffuse that. If, after checking in, I sensed she was ok then I let her go to bed. If I sensed there were some problems (and while some can hide it, I was "lucky" enough that my daughter wore her emotions on her sleeve) then we talked, sometimes for hours. I did a lot of listening, no judging or advice giving, just listening and sympathizing.</p>
<p>Sometimes, we talked until 2 a.m. and then getting her up the next morning was a nearly impossible task but I did it. I would go into her room 3 or 4 times and finally rouse her out of bed. But I figured that was how I could help her - by letting her talking be her release and then I would handle the consequences of no sleep.</p>
<p>Even now, years later, I still check in with her at night (when she's home) and still can see when something's on her mind. It's clear she wants to vent but doesn't yet know how to initiate a conversation. I'm more than willing to do that for her.</p>
<p>There are times when I clearly force my kids to communicate. But, having dealt with a depressed teen, I know that the relief that comes from sharing feelings (especially negative ones) is worth their petty annoyance.</p>
<p>There is a court case underway here in Boston that is pretty interesting. An adult age student commited suicide at MIT ... she had a history of emotional problems and was well known by MIT's health officials ... she threatened to commit suicide and then did at the same time MIT health officials were meeting to decide what to do. The parents are suing MIT for their actions and non-actions (not acting quicker and not telling the parents). Interesting as the student is an adult ... and schools have been sued from the other direction; trying to expel students with severe emotional issues.</p>
<p>fredo - what wonderful advice you are giving and so much the more valuable because it comes from direct experience. Your daughter is very, very fortunate.</p>