Should College students have a curfew?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I would like to hear from both students and parents on this topic please. Reason I'm asking is my son is going on 19, he thinks he's a man and we have always had an opposite view of exactly what age makes you a man, he says it's 18, I say it's 21 and also it's not age that makes a man or woman but responsibility, which he doesn't have. Anyway, what really prompted this thread is that lately he's been leaving home around 7pm at night and strolling in the house at 6am, last night he left the house at 6pm and at the time of this writing [7.08am] no sign of him and as usual, not a phone call or anything and he hangs out in Manhattan, we live in Queens, NY.</p>

<p>I have to do something about this and would like to hear from both parents and students on this topic, should I enforce a curfew or how should I best deal with this? Thanks.</p>

2

<p>If he goes to college and still lives in your house, there is no reason why he should not go by your rules. As long as he is under your roof, there is no reason to let him stay out all night if you are not comfortable with that. As a 20 year old myself, I know that 18-20 year olds do not make enough "adult" decisions to qualify them as adults anyway, so you should keep at least some semblance of a curfew if you feel it is the right thing to do.</p>

3

<p>I think what would be better than a curfew is just to have him tell you when he'll be back/call you if he's not coming back. Phrase it as a safety issue, say you can't sleep unless you know he's alright, any way you want, but he's going to buck if you just insist on a curfew. The (legal) age of adulthood IS 18, and I think in this situation its about him having some common courtesy to alert other members of the household of when he'll be home than you actually wanting him home by some arbitrary time.</p>

<p>Also take into account that he might be drinking, and thus, crashing at friends' houses so that he won't drive drunk home. This might be an awkward thing for him to tell you (it is for me with my parents) but I'm sure you'd rather have him safe and passed out on a buddy's couch than driving the road at 12:30am with 6 or 7 shots in him to make a 1:00 curfew.</p>

4

<p>I agree with the above two posters for the most part... I think he's at an age where you shouldn't give him a curfew, but I don't think it's too much to ask him to call to let you know where he is. I'm 19, and my parents let me stay out as late as I want as long as I call to let them know.</p>

5

<p>if his GPA is fine, there shouldnt be a problem.</p>

<p>However, if his GPA starts dropping, and your paying for college, definitely try and get him in line</p>

6

<p>As long as nothing bad happens, there's no reason for a curfew. Although you indicated he's irresponsible, so maybe I'm wrong.</p>

7

<p>I'm 20 and I don't have a curfew, and neither do most of my friends. Having said that, I don't really come back later than 1 or 2 most nights, and as long as I don't wake anyone up when I come back in the house, my parents don't seem to mind. I have stayed out all night if I've been drinking, but I let my mom know beforehand if I won't be home, or call her on her cellphone if it looks like that might be the case. My mom works the night shift at a hospital, however, and doesn't mind phone calls at odd hours. You might not feel the same, and I don't think it's too much to ask that your son let you know if he's coming home or not earlier in the evening. </p>

<p>I don't think it's so much about needing a curfew, but needing to be more courteous.</p>

8

<p>I agree with the above comment(s).. and I am a 19 year old living in Manhattan.
He doesn't need a curfew because he might just resent it or break it anyway... but there should be more communication as to where he is or why he's still out.</p>

9

<p>Wow, I think that young Man has no manners nor any courtesy to his mother</p>

<p>My H calls if he is late, I call, my mom calls, and I would expect nothing less from anyone living or staying in my home</p>

<p>It doesn't matter if he is working with Mother Theresa, if he is not comng home , he needs to call, and it doesn't matter if it is late, mom's don't sleep anyway if we are worried</p>

<p>His lack of consideration and caring, while at the same time trying to prove how grown up he is, well, he is acting like a brat</p>

<p>He can phone home, and mom, when he does, you don't need ALL the details, just that he is safe, and has a plan</p>

<p>BTW, being 19,where is he spending all this time? Can't be in the bars, unless he has that fake ID</p>

<p>If he doesn't start calling and being courteous, then mom doesn't need to fulfill whatever she is doing for him- food, laundry, etc</p>

<p>If he is so grown up, he can buy his own cereal and toliet paper, and I am serious about that</p>

<p>Its a two way street when it comes to manners, courtesy and respect, and to never call is just cruel- very passive aggressve and babyish</p>

<p>And calling has nothing to do with being independent at all, it actually has to be with being mature and aware, truely indepenent and confident people have no problem communicating and being responsible, this idea of "i am independent and all grown up so I don't have to let anyone know about where I am etc" is hogwash, especially if you are at home, living under another person's roof</p>

<p>If you are truely all grown up, go pay your own rent and bills, until then have some courtesy and manners and respect for the house and people you live with</p>

10

<p>I would actually chain the door and not answer if he can't get in, go take a long bath or shower, let him stew for a few minutes outside, and if he continues to not bother calling, don't buy what he likes to eat, you don't need to starve him, but why have his kind of cereal, his milk, his chips, show him what if feels like when a person doesn't think about others</p>

<p>I say this because he is probably used to having all the stuff he likes all handy, towels, shampoo, clean socks, etc, and until he sees what it is really like to be a mature adult with responsibilities, he won't see that having freedom means because courteous, and responsible</p>

<p>So, explain that this is the deal- he MUST call, and there is never any excuse not to</p>

<p>Who is paying for his cellphone, if you are, and he isn't bothering to call YOU, then cut it off, what is the point if he isn't using it to communicate with the person who is paying for it</p>

<p>Its not punishment, it is what the Young Man has chosen as a consequence- what does he need that phone for, if not, at a minimum, letting you know he is alive?</p>

11

<p>CGM, while I certainly appreciate your perspective, I don't really know how chaining the door shut will resolve this issue other than to "teach him a lesson". Since the OP doesn't really indicate whether or not they've had a conversation about calling, I think that would be the first step - to have a clear, rational discussion to lay down some house rules for her son to abide by. If he doesn't, that's one thing, but maybe he just lacks some common sense and isn't calling, but doesn't know he's expected to (though this whole "I'm a man now" business does seem a little ridiculous, like he's trying to prove something, and maybe he does deserve to be put in his place).</p>

12

<p>I don't believe in curfews, but I do believe in letting anyone you are staying with (especially parents) know where you are planning to go and planning to be back. Also, calling if plans have changed significantly. I don't think it's too much to expect of him to know where he's going and when he will be back, even if you don't know specifics. You might want to know the specifics since he's staying out all night. Maybe ask him if he wants to have some friends over, and you'll stay out of the way? You could get a feel for what he's up to.</p>

<p>This will also depend on what he is doing this summer. Does he have a job, take summer classes, etc? Or, just hanging out? If he is just hanging out I would be much more strict, since you'd be supporting him.</p>

<p>I'm 21 and my parents have never had a curfew for me. That said, I have been mature for my age and always tell where I'm going and call when things change. I even ask if they need anything while I'm out, and make sure I won't be missing a family dinner or something!</p>

<p>These are common courtesies that everyone should use, as they will need them whenever they deal with other people.</p>

13

<p>Are you being serious? I'm sorry, but once a child leaves for college they need to be responsible for themselves. It's utterly ridiculous to even think about trying to give them a curfew. If my mom tried that, I'd laugh in her face. Honestly. I'm an adult and go on about my business as I choose. </p>

<p>If I was living at home, maybe it would be a different story, but I'm not, so I need to be responsible for myself.</p>

14

<p>to the OP: is your son home from college, or does he live with you and go to school? i've tripped my mom out by telling her: hey, i'm going out to a party, i won't come home tonight. but that's because i'm usually @ school, and in my own place...where this is common. I don't think a curfew would ever help...because he's not gonna follow it. If my mom tried to put on a curfew..i'd tell her that i am not asking permission, but telling her so that she knows where i am.
i agree though, he should tell you where he is, or let you know if he's coming home or not, that's just common courtesy to tell the people who raised you that you're alive and well.</p>

15

<p>wow CGM, i'm glad i have my mom instead of you. My mother trusts me, and doesn't find it necessary to go crazy if i don't call her.</p>

16

<p>That kid needs to move out and move far because he has crazy parents.</p>

17

<p>I say no curfew is necessary, but if he's going to be out past say 3 AM, clubs close at 2AM and 1 hour to get home, then he should call just to be nice. 6-7AM, yeesh.</p>

18

<p>I'll just say that I'm glad I didn't go home for the summer. I didn't have a curfew over winter or spring breaks, but my parents asked where I was going whenever I left. They didnt care when I came home though. </p>

<p>I love being able to walk out the door without letting everyone know what I'm doing.</p>

19

<p>I definitely think that you need to have a chat with him about calling. How should he know to call if you haven't discussed it? I was raised to always call and even though I spend tops a month home, I still try to call at night and let my mom know that I wasn't mugged in the city. Even when I was little, I was raised to call my parents when I went from playing at one house in the neighborhood to another. If you haven't raised him to do that in the past, then you can't blame him. </p>

<p>I sort of have a curfew at home in that I don't have my own car so my parents want me back by midnight if I'm using one of their cars so they know that they'll have it for work the next morning. If it's with friends, if I'm going to spend the night out, I call.</p>

20

<p>I understand your worry. My mom tried to give me a curfew last summer when I was living at home and we got into so many screaming matches about it (although I am a girl). Your son could probably take better care of himself than a daughter could if he got into trouble, but I think it's reasonable to want him to call you. My mom relaxed her curfew rules as long as I called her when I got there and when I was leaving to come home (no matter what time it was). I definitely understand her worry alot more now that I did then. One call is reasonable, but you also might want to consider that he might be drinking and doesn't want you to know it and therefore doesn't want to call you drunk to explain where he is. Trust me, I've had to do that before, and it was not fun. You just need to explain to him that you worry, it's what mom's do, and you'd appreciate one call to let you know he isn't lying in a ditch somewhere.</p>