Hello, I’m currently a third-year in community college and terribly ashamed of the lack of progress I have made. For more background, I’m a female minority (Filipino) from California wanting to get into a UC.
My family struggled with finances all throughout high school. I came from a lower-income community, but went to a slightly better high school in the district due to a magnet program. There were a lot of troubles in my household, part of them being me sleeping on the couch for most of my high school life and problems in my parents’ relationship with each other and myself. But I never really felt as if it should have been something to use as a crutch and never really reached out for help. Instead, I immersed myself in the Internet and the school band. I became a leader in the school’s music and performance department as well as intrigued with web design, code, and programming. This led to me neglecting my school work and causing me to fail classes. Towards my junior year, I realized I needed to turn it around, but it was too late. I was heavily involved in several activities where I felt responsible to keep trying my best, but I also failed too many classes that it was possible I wouldn’t have enough credits to graduate. In the end, I pulled through and barely graduated. Ironically, during my time there, I also re-chartered a Tri-M (honor society for music students) chapter at my high school. Unforunately, however, this wasn’t enough to make up for the fact that I didn’t have all the credits I needed to go to university.
So, I went to community college. At the time, I was determined to major in music. I was very passionate about it since it got me through hard times. What kept me going was the thought of being able to transfer and get out of my living situation. Over my time in that CC, my family situation became more heated and I found myself trying to escape again through extracurriculars. I failed a few classes that semester.
Over the break, I found it unbearable to be at home and my parents were criticizing my choice of major and saying things like music was why I didn’t succeed in high school in the first place. I felt disheartened. So I switched my major of choice to business. I don’t know how that made sense to me. Probably because it seemed easy and I wanted to get out as soon as I could.
Spring semester starts, I’m taking 14 units that counted towards my major prep as well as breadth/IGETC. I’ve also taken on a part-time job to save up some money for when I transfer. I wanted to get out. I had a whole course plan to transfer. I was determined. But, halfway through the semester, my personal life and my family life became too much for me to deal with. My parents were arguing every night in the living room where I slept. I was having troubles in personal relationships. I wasn’t in the best state of mind. So, I came up with a plan to move in with my boyfriend who went to school about two hours away. Dumb me didn’t think about the consequences of not dropping my classes and failed each one of them.
That time in between the middle of spring semester and the beginning of the summer session, I did a lot of soul searching and decided I still wanted to pursue an education. I found interest in computer science and was astounded that I hadn’t thought of it before since I already had a strong interest in it. So, I enrolled at another CC that summer.
The summer was easy despite housing challenges. I had some money saved up and balancing one five unit class +20 or so hours a week part-time wasn’t too hard. Once fall started, however, it got increasingly difficult. I took on around 14 units again with 20 or so hours part time. I was subleasing a place for the summer, so I had to move in the beginning of the semester. I was 18, learning how to do things on my own, balancing work and school, and still dealing with leftover drama from my family. It was hard. And in the middle of the semester, I said I couldn’t handle it all and dropped all my classes. This put me on academic probation.
I feel so stupid at this point, I didn’t want to go back to school, but I do in the spring. I realize that when my transcript was sent, they didn’t take my placement test scores. It had been a year since I had been in a math class, so I wanted to prepare and decided I would take them in the summer and just focus on the classes I had enrolled in.
I stuck through. However, on academic probation, I couldn’t drop below a 2.0. During finals, my lease was up and I was moving again. I didn’t do too well in my classes. And I got placed on academic dismissal. That summer, I took another class hoping it would take me off dismissal. It turned out, summer didn’t count towards my progress. So, at the end of summer, I had a 2.2 gpa, stress beyond belief, little to no funds, and I’m still on academic dismissal.
Now, it’s fall. I had appealed my dismissal, but now I won’t receive financial aid for the rest of the academic year. While my tuition is still free, I’m paying for everything else and I’m struggling. I can’t keep up with my classes with my part time job that I can’t quit. I have no car, so I’m reluctant to leave my job that’s close to my current housing. I placed lower in my math classes than before, so I have four semesters worth of math classes before I can transfer. My job is tiring and I can’t seem to focus on school as much as I’d like and I’m scared I’m not going to do well again.
I really like my major so far despite its difficulties. But life has thrown so many curveballs at me. I don’t want to give up, but I feel as if I should. Maybe I’m just a waste of tax dollars at this point. But it doesn’t seem to make sense to me to even consider taking a break seeing as I’m only going to community college. I don’t know what to do other than to keep trying, but despite not wanting to give up, I’m scared that even trying is useless at this point.
This has pretty much turned into me venting. To those who have read this far, I’m grateful you have. Please, what should I do? Do I keep going?