Should I Ignore My Parents When Applying to Colleges?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I respect my parents' opinions and restrictions, and I do follow them a lot of time (more than the majority of my friends, in any case). Mostly, I agree with their beliefs and reasonings on almost everything. Up until the beginning of my junior year (the past year), I thought we were on the same level when it comes to my academic career. However, I found out, after looking more into colleges and the application process, that we hold very different views when it comes to colleges.</p>

<p>For years, I always thought that they wanted me to do well in school and then to attend a relatively good college (which does not means Ivy-league standards, by the way). But when I started talking to them about applying to colleges, both my parents surprised me by saying that they wanted me to just go to any school that accepts me, as long as I stay near home. They said it doesn't matter if it's a good or not. My mom went as far as suggesting that I should go to a community college, because it's a whole lot cheaper. (Please note that I don't have anything against community colleges, and I certainly do not intend to be heartless/arrogant, but after all the work I put into high school, I don't want to go a community college. I want to experience a real college life, which you just can't get at a comm college.)</p>

<p>From my dad, it's probably because of his co-workers' boastings of their own son's/daughter's accomplishments. I cannot remember how many time this past year he said that this and that person's son/daughter is so good because he/she goes to a college in Houston (henceforth staying at home) and he/she works over the weekend to get the money to pay gas/ect. It makes me so mad and sad, most of the time. They're just assuming that I won't work to pay for my college education when I'm in college - I will, because I know <em>they</em> won't pay for it, and it's my education, so I'll manage whichever way possible, even if it means working all my spare time and taking out loans. Before, I believe he wanted me to go to a good college. But ever since he started listening to his co-workers' accounts of their sons'/daughters' college lives, he has been holding to the principle of going to any college (even the really crappy ones) that's near home that would take me.</p>

<p>I got into several heated arguments with my parents because of this, which, in thinking back, I really should not have done, but I just couldn't control my temper at the moments. My parents have always pushed me to get very high grades (my father berates me if my grade in any Honors Math class is below a 100, displays disapproval if my grade in a class goes from a 97 to a 95, and if I ever get a B, I bet he'll disown me; he's unhappy with my SAT score of 2150). And what good are those grades if now I am just to apply to any college that's in Houston? (Rice University is an exception, because that's my dream school, and it's so hard for me to get in.) If I had known this before-hand, I could've just slacked off in school, never studied at all, and I'm sure I'll still get into all the colleges I apply in Texas (minus Rice), much less in Houston. What's the use of my working hard to get a 100 in a class instead of a 90 if even an 80 would qualify me for almost all schools here in Houston? </p>

<p>When my mom suggested that I should go to a community college, I didn't even talk to her. Maybe I'm just being completely unreasonable (which I might as well be, and I apologize for that), but I just hate seeing all my hard-work going down the drain because my parents force me to go to colleges I could've gotten in even if I had slept all through my high school years. Now, if one of those colleges suits me, I wouldn't have complained, because prestige is not as big a factor for me (even if it still holds a fair share in my decision). But none of the colleges in Houston (except Rice) suits me in the least (aka fits my criteria for a college, which include being small and has a very good Science department), and there're very few (almost no) collges in Texas I know of that I like enough to imagine being there for 4 years.</p>

<p>My parents just absolutely forbid me to apply to any school out of state. I imagine they would rather me going to a community college rather than Harvard, even though I would get a free-ride at Harvard and any Ivy-league universities because of my family's income. I want to go somewhere that I would be happy at, but for my parents, it's just going somewhere that I can 1. stay at home, or at least in state, 2. get a degree, even if it's from a comm college.</p>

<p>So, my question is, should I even bother to apply to out-of-state colleges that I really like, even though my parents would kill me if I decide to go there? </p>

<p>I apologize that this has been so long and has been more of a rant rather than a question. Thank you for any and all advice. I would really, really appreciate it.</p>

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<p>Shina - Hard work and accomplishment are never a waste. Congratulations to you on both counts.</p>

<p>Your post is well written, and based on that alone I would encourage you to attend a four year college if you possibly can. As for "what do I do now?" I suggest you start by reading the 'Hope...very long...' thread to the very bottom: <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=202649%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=202649&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>my appologies... try explaining this point of view to them
UT Austin is a good school too... UNT is very respectable</p>

<p>our salutatorian (at a school with 4-5 ivy-bound / year) is only applying to schools in texas. (Her dream school is also rice - as is mine) There are some good options (a few) so you won't die.</p>

<p>Really, though. Try to convince them to let you apply elsewhere... enough discussing and complaining and theyll probably give in. Especially if you ttry a compromise, e.g. 1 OOS school for ever 2 in texas... or 'if i get into rice, i promise ill go there'... it never hurts to try</p>

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<p>ROTC scholarship....</p>

<p>You will be truly financially independent at that point.</p>

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<p>If you feel you'll be forced to attend a school you are, by virtue of your grades, overqualified for, try to get into an Honors Program if the school you attend has one. Do well in the honors program and you'll get noticed. Attending a community college is not the end of the world if that's all you can afford or all your parents will allow. Afterwards get yourself into a four year school and GRADUATE with honors as you are capable of doing. Do your best no matter where you go and maybe look to a prestiges grad school afterwards. Parents often dissapoint us, they have thier fears and foibles. Many parents believe the return on the investment is just not there with high price tag schools. Often times they're correct. Never slack off! Your hard work will pay off in the end. Although you may never be able to reconcile your parents behavior there may come a day where you'll no longer resent them for it.</p>

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<p>Eh...I don't actually have any advice to give, I just wanted to say that my parents did nearly the same thing. All my life they were always telling me that I had to get good grades, which I always thought to be a bit hypocritical because they would demand to know why I got a 96 and not a 100 on the test, when it was a subject they'd never even come close to studying in school. And I had to go to a four year college, because at my mother's workplace people with bachelor's degrees start out making $10,000 more than what she makes per year and wouldn't I obviously want that instead of her job?</p>

<p>When it came to search time...at first they didn't care which colleges I picked, as long as they were cheap and in an area of the country my parents would want to live in. They frowned on me going farther north to New England but that was at least acceptable, they really wanted me to go to college in the south but I didn't want to, and they forbade me from even considering colleges on the west coast - I tried to argue this point and we only ever got as far as, if I wanted to go there I was going to pay for all of it. </p>

<p>By the time I was narrowing down my list they started into the whole, well why can't you go to community college (you get to live at home for 2 more years!) and then finish at one of the nearby colleges (you could probably live at home then too, it's only an hour!). Lucky for me I picked a major that would be totally incompatable with that idea, so they sort of dropped the subject but they ended up mentioning how they wished I'd picked a different major from time to time.</p>

<p>What I would do if I were you, is organize all of my reasons for wanting to go to an out-of-state school in a nice, logical outline and then sit down and discuss it with them calmly. Show them that you put a lot of thought into it and you're not just disagreeing with them for the sake of argument. Hopefully they'll listen to you instead of playing the 'because I said so' card.</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for the replies so far!</p>

<p>NewHope33, thank you for the link. I have been reading through the thread, and I find the advice there very helpful indeed. But my problem is less of paying for my college education (because I'm willing to go into debt, and I will definitely be applying for scholarships and financial aids as much as I possibly can), and more of whether I should chance applying to out-of-state schools I like despite the fact that my parents won't let me go there. My parents do not need me at home (unlike Potassium88's very unfortunate situation); I do not understand just why they would want me to stay at home, because I would imagine they want me out of the house as soon as possible, considering just how much they complain that I am a useless daughter because I don't conform to their Asian parents' expectations. Most likely, I would get better financial aid at many private, out-of-state colleges I'm considering than the State Unis.</p>

<p>I'm willing to do all I can to be able to go and to pay for the college I want to go to, but my parents just won't let me go there.</p>

<p>idamayer, I've tried explaining it to them, but we invariably ended up fighting. My dad's a typical Asian dad who refuses to even listen to his daughter's point of view - if I even so much as saying that what he's saying is wrong and not good for me, he would call me disrespectful. UT Austin is a good school, and I would be happy to go there academically. But I have always wanted to attend a small college (7000 or less undergrads) with a good Science Department and a nice campus atmosphere, and all those small colleges I could find so far in Texas don't really fit me. =( If bad comes to worse, I can always go to UT Austin, and I'm sure I won't die there and I'm sure it would offer me a good education, but I'm not sure I'll be happy there, either, with it being so awfully big.</p>

<p>I can apply to OOS schools, because my parents have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in school, so they won't know, but afterward, I don't think they'll let me go, though. And just approaching the subject will blacken the mood, just mentioning the very idea of applying to OOS colleges will earn me a glare.</p>

<p>Motherdear - I've never heard of ROTC scholarship, but I'll definitely look into it now. The thing is, my parents won't be paying for my college education, not at all, because they cannot afford that. I don't blame them for that. I will try my best to pay for it on my own with financial aid, scholarships, works, and loans. But if I have to pay for my education on my own, I think the least they can do is to let me determine where I'll go. After all, I am the one who will have to spend 4 years of my life there.</p>

<p>Nightingale, thanks for your advice! I'll apply for Plan II Honor Program at UT Austin, and will probably apply to Honor College at U of Houston. Everything you've said really makes me think. And I'm sure what I'm doing now will pay off in the long run, and no matter where I go, I know I won't slack off just because I am overqualified for something - that isn't how I'm raised. It's just... There're just so many other OOS colleges that fit me so much better than any of the in-state colleges (excep Rice). I don't know why my parents would want to forbid me to apply to an OOS college. I will most likely to get better financial aids at private schools than I will at my State Uni because of family's income. And I know it's not the sentimental reason of wanting me closer to home, because I'm sure they can't wait to get rid of me, considering how many times they've told me just how useless I am compared to their friends' daughters. =/</p>

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<p>Shina:</p>

<p>Don't get into any argument with your parents. Research colleges you think you have a shot at, that may be financially affordable either through merit aid or financial aid, and that would be a good fit for you from various points of view (academic, social, etc...). </p>

<p>Make sure you apply to some safeties along with the reaches (that means both financial and academic safeties0 and humor your parents by applying to some colleges closer to home. Rice does not seem a long shot to me, and it is quite generous with aid. Apply to these colleges, preferrably using a fee waiver. Then wait for the results. Then will be the time to discuss with your parents. They may be surprised by how affordable some of these colleges are, and happy you got into some of them. They have months to get used to the idea.</p>

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<p>shina:</p>

<p>you sounds just like me (in regard to the wanting a small school) My father often tells me "you could certainly do worse than going to UT" (I figure if I'm in the top 10% I might as well apply) I get very good reviews concerning the science honors program at UT, and presumably the classes are a lot smaller there... UTD / UTSA / other UT college might be smaller (?) but not as challenging... Hopefully you will get into Rice and it will not be a problem in the least</p>

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<p>Apply to the colleges of your dreams behind their backs...if you get in to Harvard and your family is low income, you're sure to be offered financial aid. What parents would tell their children that they couldn't go to a prestigious (sp?) school after they'd been admitted?!</p>

<p>That's what I'm doing. My parents aren't near as bad as yours, but the time has come to be independent. Apply where you want - you are your own person. While your parents can control whether you get the money to be able to go where you want, they shouldn't be able to control as big of a decision as where you plan on going to college.</p>

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<p>BlahDeBlah, I'm glad they didn't force you into attending a community college. I will try to do as you suggested. With my mom, perhaps there's a chance she will listen to me. But with my dad... I just can't imagine him even listening to my side of the situation, no matter how logically I try to make it. I'm thinking of just applying to all the OOS colleges I like, not telling them about it, and then, if I get rejected from Rice and if I get accepted and get better financial aids from those OOS colleges, I will use that as a form to get my parents to let me attend one of them. I just hate lying through omission to them, though, and am afraid of how they'll react if they know I apply even though they've said I can't.</p>

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<p>ROTC is the Reserve Officer Training Corps. The branches of the Armed Services use it as one of their commissioned officer sources.</p>

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<p>marite, thank you for your advice. I think that is what I'll do, because right now, talking to my parents about it will only worsen the situation. If I can manage to get good aids from schools I like, maybe that will help convince them.</p>

<p>idamayer, yes, I've looked at some of the other UT's, too, but none of them seem to be as good as UT Austin, even though they're a lot smaller. And I really hope you'll get into Rice, too. Will you be applying ED? I will. =)</p>

<p>brand_182, you'd be surprised... From the way my parents were going on earlier about how prestige doesn't matter, I'd imagine they'd refuse to let me go to Harvard (not that I have even a slightest chance of admission there). And my parents really don't know the first thing about how prestigious a college is. I reckon they don't even know about Harvard, and they certainly don't think that much of Rice. But I think good financial aids would really help the matter, especially if I mention that good undergrad schools will help boost my chance of getting into med schools (which is what my parents want, even though I don't like the idea very much). </p>

<p>And I agree whole-heartedly with what you've said. I just wish I were as determined. I'm just really afraid of disagreeing with my parents on this matter, because if I outrightly choose to go to a college they disapprove of, it would be a very big fight that we would have. And I hate fighting with my parents over this matter... =/</p>

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<p>shina....i am a parent of a son 08 from florida at an ivy league school in the northeast...after he got in i questioned myself because of the discussions of some brilliant students parents who got into great schools but stayed in state at the florida schools...these parents turned out to be WRONG...there kids all floundered the first year..now playing catch up with grades..the midnight calls of stress ..the constant driving home to mom and dad and old stale high school friends while they should have been experiencing all the college had to offer on weekends
my son partied hard but being surrounded by the most talented and self
sufficient students he knew when to buckle down and did great not just academically but tasted all the school had to offer from singing groups to comedy to film and theater and frats and new sports such as hockey and skiing..
you have earned the right to apply to rice..stanford..duke
vandy..emory..chicago ..all the ancient eights...if not you why did someone else earn that right...
about debt..some parents do not understand that the loans are easy to get...they will pay 200-300 a month for many years but you can
always take them over when you get your high paying first job
the argument some parents put forth is they will save with the state school and put toward the graduate school(law, business, medical)...those loans will be in your name..tell them they are off the hook for graduate school
these four years are special and once in a lifetime..surround yourself with your peers..people who have a thirst to study..good luck</p>

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<p>I won't be applying ED...
maybe you can have your teachers and GC talk to your parents...
if you are low income, maybe you/they could convince your parents that you will be much much richer after attending rice/presteigous college</p>

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<p>isacc, thank you for sharing the story. I really want to make the most out of 4 years of college, too, because I don't have a very good social life in high school right now, and I have been looking forward to everything college has to offer for a long time now. And that's one of the reasons I dislike going to community college and colleges that would make it feasible for me to stay at home (I've already arranged it with my parents to let me stay at Rice if, by some miracle, I get in).</p>

<p>idamayer, I'd try that, but my parents don't speak English (I serve as the translator whenever my parents go somewhere, and being a translator in this circumstance will be very weird...). And, knowing my parents, they probably won't listen.</p>

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<p>Shina- i can't really give you great advice other than saying you seem like a mature and wonderful kid. Recently a group of parents listed "hidden gem" programs at colleges. I rechecked the thread and the "PLAN ll Honors Program" at U. of Texas at Austin was listed. They had a link to the program, so you may want to check it out. It may not be your dream school, but sometimes ya just gotta try to make the best of a not so good situation. I believe it was post # 24 on the Hidden Gem Thread that linked you up to the U of T program. Good luck.</p>

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<p>just to let y'all know, I was admitted to Rice ED but deferred early from Plan II (withdrew app, so don't know if I would have gotten in). They are both quite selective.</p>

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<p>I will definitely check out Plan II Honor Program at UT Austin. Thanks for the reference, marny1! Also, thanks for the heads up, raindrop1019. I remember you talking about this at the Rice forums back during admission time, and this is the reason I don't put all my hope and expectation into getting into Plan II, because I realize it's as hard to get in as Rice. But I'll apply, and hopefully, I'll be lucky at one. =)</p>

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<p>Have you looked at Southwestern University? It's small, and has an outstanding science department. It's about 30 minutes north of Austin. They also offer excellent merit scholarships (there is a scholarship calculator on their website).</p>

<p>Did you take the PSAT? Any chance of being a National Merit semifinalist? If so, there are several colleges which will give you a full-ride or close to attend.</p>

<p>My guess is that your parents are seriously worried about the cost of college.</p>