<p>momofwildchild</p>
<p>Actually I do. I’ve been in public education for most of my adult life. The problem is when people decide the make generalizations. As I said “everyone” clearly isn’t doing it. Anyone who thinks otherwise is simply fooling themselves.</p>
<p>Roman,</p>
<p>I’m sorry you don’t understand. I’m sure I will be unable to clarify anything for you.</p>
<p>I understand what you’re saying. I just vehemently disagree.</p>
<p>It isn’t me who is judging whether this is right or wrong it is the LAW, but the anecdotes are proving my point. People recognize their own experience as “right” and anything else is “wrong” or “crazy”. It is the law, pure and simple. If you don’t like it you should work to change it 'cause that’s how it works.</p>
<p>Roman,</p>
<p>That’s fine. We’re having a discussion and I think we’ve already discovered we will be on opposite sides of this issue.</p>
<p>It’s a vicious cycle, I know.</p>
<p>Wow the post to which I was responding went “poof”. Yikes.</p>
<p>WHile the OP is currently safe under CT law, he now knows they consumed alcohol in his home, and he must make efforts to ensure is doesn’t happen again - because he knows they did it once, he may not be safe if there is a second time. Telling his daughter not to do it again might not be considered enough effort. If it were me, I would block access to the alcohol (by locking it up, much as I would do with a firearm).</p>
<p>These minors (they are in fact minors according to state law), violated the law. Her daughter not only violated the same law, but also provided alcohol to other minors. She could face charges is someone chose to report her.</p>
<p>The OP states he does know the young people in question, just not the parents.</p>
<p>I would either talk to the parents myself, or have the daughter talk to them (it is, after all, her responsibility). She claims she thought she had silent approval from her parents - do the others also think they have this same silent approval? Even if they have parental permission to consume, they cannot possess alcohol except with a parent’s approval AND in the parent’s presence (and if there is no parent or guardian, then yes, they don’t qualify for that exception). She may not be the only one guilty - did she take your alcohol, or did someone else bring it?</p>
<p>I would give the other parents a heads up, so they are aware in case the “party” moves to their house next time. The goal isn’t to get them in trouble, but to prevent this same situation from happening again - not just at your home, but at the homes of the other presumably law-abiding parents. </p>
<p>(If the daughter really thought it was OK with her parents, she would not have done this only after they went to sleep).</p>
<p>Well, my computer battery is about to go “poof” so if I disappear that’s why. I don’t have a charger with me.</p>
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<p>lol, before my 78 year old mom had a major stroke that took away such concerns, my mom would chide me if my swimsuit showed any cleavage (After her stroke, we could have run around with pasties.) I agree that you never stop parenting, but once you’re 18, parents have a whole lot less influence on matters that the adult child sees differently. </p>
<p>I also have an issue with “punishing” an 18+ year old adult-child with things like “grounding”. Yes, if they were to drink and drive a car that you own (or is on your insurance), you can take away the car (or drop your child from your insurance or whatever). Or if they allowed underage kids to drink in your home, you can take away the privilege of having guests over to your home. But, to “punish” such as “you’re grounded” just seems a bit crossing boundaries when dealing with college-aged kids.</p>
<p>CTScoutmom: "I would give the other parents a heads up, so they are aware in case the “party” moves to their house next time. The goal isn’t to get them in trouble, but to prevent this same situation from happening again - not just at your home, but at the homes of the other presumably law-abiding parents. </p>
<p>(If the daughter really thought it was OK with her parents, she would not have done this only after they went to sleep)."</p>
<p>Thank you wise one. This is EXACTLY the point I’ve been trying to make. It isn’t about getting the underage teens in trouble, but perhaps saving a life or legal trouble. They must learn boundaries and if she didn’t know it was wrong it would have been done openly. The OP and I have spoken an we actually agree on most points. He is trying to determine the right thing. Like it or not, two laws were broken at a very minimum regardless of anyone’s personal experience or opinion.</p>
<p>Mom2ck,</p>
<p>I’ve never grounded my children for anything in their life. I’ve found making them take responsibility and clean up their own mess works better. They learn a lesson the first time and it doesn’t have to be repeated. In fact, they make wiser choices because they know they’ll be held accountable and I won’t clean it up or make excuses. And yes, I’ve been known to say it hurts me worse than it hurts them. It really does, but it is effective.</p>
<p>If under 18, yes. If over 18, no. </p>
<p>If my parents received a call from another parent that I’d have been drinking or doing anything else, they’d be puzzled and tell the calling parent that “Cobrat is no longer a child and is completely responsible for his own behavior. If you have a problem with his behavior, it’s between you and him.”. Fortunately, this never came up…especially considering I started college as a 17 year old 500+ miles from home and most parents of young adults back in undergrad were of the mind that if they had problems with the young adult…they dealt with them directly as with any other adult. </p>
<p>Wouldn’t occur to them to call parents once someone is over 18 and out of high school. </p>
<p>Granted, my parents grew up in a generation in a culture(China/Taiwan) where anyone who is 18 and over is EXPECTED to behave as an adult. If they don’t/can’t, the 2 years of mandatory military service/civil defense for men/women respectively was widely perceived in being very effective in fixing that…especially in an era when the threats of invasion from Communist China was looming large. </p>
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<p>That was how my father handled teaching me about alcohol and its effects. On my 11th birthday, he gave me drink a mixture of Tsingtao beer and 7 up to try it out. Not only did I find alcohol to not be to my taste, but any allure and mass media messaging about how “cool” it is to get drunk went out the window afterwards. </p>
<p>Incidentally, this probably played a big role in why I never understood the “need” for many undergrads to drink for the sake of “getting wasted” and why I made it a point to avoid colleges with “party school” reputations where alcohol use was open and widespread. </p>
<p>Frankly, I thought those undergrads were complete idiots back then. Nowadays…I’d also think “What a waste of good drinks”.</p>
<p>It’s not that complicated. This doesn’t even require a long response. They are adults, and therefore it is not their parents’ business. yes it is against the law. And your daughter was in your house so it makes sense you may deal with her. But definitely do not need to notify the other parents.</p>
<p>Cobrat, I could have almost written that exact same post except with a European mother rather than Asian parents.</p>
<p>This thread is pointless. Do u think your daughters friends will want to hang out with her if her mom gets them in trouble for something like drinking? They wont</p>
<p>I’ve never grounded my children for anything in their life</p>
<p>My point about grounding was in response to another post.</p>
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<p>To the OP,
I think you handled the situation properly. I like your logical (what are my goals here) approach.</p>
<p>I would add one small detail. Have your daughter determine the cost of the alcohol she and her friends drunk. Vodka is expensive! Depending on the kind of beer they consumed, that might be a small or large expense also. Let her know just what this evening cost you and your wife. Maybe she could reimburse you. Or just knowing the cost might be enough.</p>
<p>My kids found drinking to be too expensive for their pocketbooks so never did much in this area. Alcohol can be less attractive if one has to pay for it out of their own earnings. </p>
<p>Story: my husband was at a business event (back in the day when alcohol flowed at these events! boy are we old!) and he had vodka for the first time. Decided he liked it and later went out to buy some to have at our home. We he found out just how much good vodka cost, he decided he didn’t need it an that was the end of that. To this day, we still don’t have vodka in the house.</p>
<p>On drinking at college --</p>
<p>I happen to have some 2012 self-reported figures for college students at one particular college. These are self-reported average numbers of drinks per week:</p>
<p>Male frat members: 19.5
Female sorority members/male non-frat members: 12.2
Female non-sorority members: 5.5</p>
<p>No wonder when kids come home from college they want and expect to be able to drink. Colleges do virtually nothing to stop or even impede underage drinking, and most local police forces do not intervene unless something really public and/or really serious happens.</p>
<p>My issue with my daughter is really pretty trivial compared to the huge social issue that we refuse to address.</p>
<p>Grin, where did you get those figures from? I’m curious because that seems really high given how many students don’t drink at all.</p>
<p>In response to some parents allowing underage drinking in their house, I’d just like to add that this might be the lesser of two evils. Especially with this generation, teenagers are going to do what they want (for the most part), regardless of what their parents or anyone else tells them. If you are the type of parent who strictly forbids drinking and shelters your children so much to the reality of life, it’s pretty likely your children will go ahead and do what you forbid. And it’s also pretty likely that they will go to the extremes, like drinking until they throw up. </p>
<p>My friends and I are all 18, and we sometimes drink alcohol at one of my friend’s house. Her parents are always there and know what we are doing, and I also tell my mom what I’m doing. All that her parents ask of us is to not get wasted, and they have us give them their car keys. Honestly, I never get wasted when I go over there because they treat us like adults and show us that drinking isn’t a terrible thing as long as you do it responsibly. I probably couldn’t say the same thing if I had never been allowed to experiment and make decisions for myself instead of having parents tell me what is right and wrong. Just my opinion, but I think it’s definitely something to consider.</p>
<p>I am still a little confused about various state laws. I understand that it is legal in many states for a parent to serve his/her own 20 year old child alcohol in their own home. It is not at all clear to me that it is legal in Connecticut for a parent to serve alcohol to his/her 20 year old’s 20 year old friend, even if that friend claims his/her parents are ok with it. </p>
<p>Here is a brochure, but I don’t know for sure it is current.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.necasaonline.org/images/customer-files/underagedrinkingbrochure.pdf[/url]”>http://www.necasaonline.org/images/customer-files/underagedrinkingbrochure.pdf</a></p>
<p>It isnt legal. I posted the laws since 2006 up thread.</p>
<p>Although it doesn’t address the OP’s issue, which I think in the end, s/he decided to handle the best way possible under the circumstances, I think the confusion over the wide variety in how each state handles the problem is PART of the problem. What I’d like to see is having ALL the states have the SAME laws, and the SAME legal drinking age, which IMO should be 18. That’s NOT because I think all 18 yo’s everywhere are MATURE enough, but because if an 18 yo is adult enough to join the military and fight and die, vote, buy a house, get married, parent a child, and any of the things that legal adults are allowed to do, then they should also be allowed to drink legally. </p>
<p>This is not the same thing as allowing teenage MINOR drivers graduated privileges. They are not adults. Adults should be adults. Period. The grey area of drinking laws added to the mixed messages the media gives us makes the entire issue a minefield for both young adults and their parents. </p>
<p>I was 18 when the drinking age was 18 and 21 when they changed it back to 21 in my home state. At the time a friend of mine who had lost both parents and was 20 years old said this, “I can sell my parents’ cars. I can sell the house and buy a new one. I can arrange for my younger brother’s custody and where he will live and go to school. But I can’t have a beer today-although I could last week.”</p>
<p>That in a nutshell illustrates the aburdity of the whole topic. For those who advocate calling parents of legal adults “caught” drinking-who would you call in this case?</p>