should i take time off from school for my ill family member?

Parents Forum
1

<p>so my dad has had brain cancer for just over 2 years now, but is now beginning to definitely show signs that he will pass away soon. He has essentially become a vegetable as he has trouble doing basic things like walking, eating, talking, etc. Because his tumor is so large, hes ineligible for most radiation treatments. The only one he is eligible for, the doctors say that it will only slow down its growth, but not do much else.</p>

<p>i'm really having a dilemma what to do next quarter (my school uses trimester system). because although i've never really been close to my dad, i wish to spend as much remaining time with him as i can. but i dont want to give up an entire quarter here, especially since it gets incredibly boring at home and its not like my dad needs me home 24/7. He mostly needs 2 people to take care of him in the morning, but just 1 person for the rest of the day. My mom will have to take a 3month absence from work, while my brother works full-time near home. If I go to school, I'll make sure i come home every weekend.</p>

<p>i just graduated with my BS degrees in physics and applied math, but want to take engineering classes next quarter, to see if i want to pursue it in grad school. I also really wish i could return to school since i had fun for the first time in college last quarter, since i lived in the school's dorm for the 1st time. There were times where i felt like a rotten son, as i didn't come home on the weekends to see him. But i know my dad wouldn't want to see me miserable and would be happy that i having fun and made friends with common interests in college for the first time, and really improved my social skills. Also, other than taking care of my dad in the morning, there's not much else required from me, so I'll have the rest of the day to do nothing but spend time with him. My father's condition has already affected my career path as my mom forced me to turn down a prestigious internship offer at the Dept of Energy national lab in Illinois since its too far from home</p>

<p>a few months ago when my dad could speak coherently, he mentioned that it was ok with him if i went to grad school far away from home, even though he had cancer at the time, but wasn't nearly as sick as he is today. That's what's been able to help my decision-making process the last couple years as i know he prefers that i do what's best for my career, especially since he worked really hard to make good income so that i would have a better future. But this situation is different from my past ones, since he seems really close to dying whereas before he was healthy enough to at least walk and go hiking</p>

<p>so i'm having a really bad dilemma right now. If i take time off from school, i'll be delaying my steps for advancing my schoolwork and career. but if i don't, i'll be dealing with plenty of anxiety at school for not being able to help my family go through the stress of taking care of him. Also, i wont be around nearly as often for his last days</p>

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<p>I’m sorry.</p>

<p>The academic quarter seems longer to you now than it will as you look back years from now.</p>

<p>In addition to helping your father in the mornings, do you think your presence would be a comfort or a help to your mother?</p>

<p>Reading what you have written and what I think I am reading between the lines, I will venture the opinion that you will, in the long run, feel better about taking the time to be home. You won’t get to do this again.</p>

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<p>Spend the time with your dad. A delay of one trimester in your schooling and career will amount to exactly nothing 5 years from now, but once he is gone you will miss your dad for the rest of your life.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry about your dad. I think you already know what you should do. School will always be there; your dad won’t.</p>

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<p>My mother died of leukemia when I was in college. College will be there; you can always sample engineering courses next quarter or next year–they aren’t going any where. Time with your father is something you will never get again, making memories of him and with your mom and sib.</p>

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<p>I’m very sorry for you and your family
But, i’m going to offer a different point of view. It sounds like your father wanted you to finish your education(from the conversation you had earlier). Even with the situation different, I still think you should do what he wanted and go to school. </p>

<p>My dad has cancer and has always said I should never stop my life for his. I would assume your dad would say the same to you and want you to continue living. </p>

<p>The decision is ultimately yours, but I think school might be your best option-especially if you can come home often.</p>

7

<p>Spend time with your dad AND your mom. As your dad declines every day, she needs someone she can talk to, share her sorrow and worries, prepare for the inevitable end, help her with the many loose ends that need to be tied, and what to do once your dad is gone.
It won’t take the whole day–as taking care of your dad won’t; but it will be a comfort to you to know you were there for both your parents.</p>

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<p>You have your degree. Taking a few classes to see if you want to grad school in engineering can wait. This time as a family will be precious. Your dad has already seen you accomplish your goal of getting a degree; give him the comfort of knowing you will still be there for your mom. Give your mom some respite to go out and take a walk, do things for her own health and well-being, and to share the load. Your mom will appreciate it more than you know.</p>

<p>I’m sorry your family has to deal with this illness.</p>

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<p>OP, my heart goes out to you. Please spend time with your dad. Mine died of cancer while I was in a different continent, and I regret not spending any time with him or mom during this time. Whatever your decision is, I wish you and your family strength in going through this period of life.</p>

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<p>If you go to school, what do you think is the chance that, five years from now, you will wish you had spent this quarter being with your dad (and supporting your mom)?</p>

<p>If you stay home, what do you think is the chance that, five years from now, you will wish you had spent this quarter taking some post b.s. engineering classes?</p>

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<p>Can you take some of those classes at a college in or near your home town? That would allow you to spend time with your family and still go to school.</p>

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<p>I think you should do both: spend time with your dad and pursue your career. It’s just that now is the time for your dad (and your mom who is the real beneficiary). Your career is definitely something you’ll do for yourself, but that’s for later.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry, this is very sad. Please go home and be with your family. Yes, it will be hard in many many ways, but so so necessary for you and your mom in the long run. When my dad was dying, a good older friend of mine said, “you only get a chance to do this once, so do it right”. I tried to spend the summer with my dad, but i had a career and a young child, and for some reason I convinced myself I really needed to get away, get a break. I think I just couldn’t take it. So I did…and I wasn’t there when my dad died…and I still have deep pain about that 15 years later. Regret is a horrible feeling. </p>

<p>Who knows how you will feel in the future but what you choose now you will have to live with the rest of your life (and you will change as you grow older). I’m pretty sure if you go home, you will not have regret (what you are missing you can always make up for and it will seem trivial in the big scheme of things). However, you do risk regret if you don’t go home. </p>

<p>It also just seems like the right thing to do. For your dad, your mom, yourself. Be there. Its not what you DO, its your presence that matters. I’m not surprised your dad was being a dad and, as someone who loves you and wants the best for you said something like “don’t worry about me, its okay to go far away” However, now its your turn to grow up and be the loving person your father has been to you: like him, be generous and put him and your family ahead of yourself and be there for your family in their painful last days.</p>

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<p>thanks very much for all the responses. This has to be the biggest decision i’ve made in my life so far, so i need all the advice i can get. </p>

<p>"It sounds like your father wanted you to finish your education(from the conversation you had earlier). Even with the situation different, I still think you should do what he wanted and go to school.</p>

<p>My dad has cancer and has always said I should never stop my life for his. I would assume your dad would say the same to you and want you to continue living."</p>

<p>yes, that’s why i didn’t take any time off from school before, when he was able to speak coherently, since he told me he didn’t want me to stop my life to be there for him</p>

<p>As for all the other responses regarding how my mom really needs me to be there for her, that’s something that I didn’t think about but should have, especially since i love her very much</p>

<p>But I forgot to mention earlier that I was planning on only taking 2 classes at school, which both meet on Tues, Thurs, and Fri, so I was planning on coming home on Mon, Wed, and the weekends. But 1 of those classes is actually offered at a JC near my home, so i may just stay home and take that class instead</p>

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<p>Is you Dad with Hospice for his end-stage care? If so, ask to talk with the case manager nurse for guidance. Their words might help you decide a course of action. If they are talking “months,” that’s different than talking “weeks” or the more significant “the time is very near.” It can’t be pinned down ever, but there may be some general guidance on time expected. Tell them what you have to decide re: school to see if they give you some idea. </p>

<p>Your dad’s needs will continue to intensify. I’m so sorry.</p>

<p>If you decide on your same school for the coming semester, “Mon, Wed and the weekends” actually is a lot of time at bedside, bringing fresh energy and support to relieve your Mom. You can actually help a lot. </p>

<p>Think also if you’re the kind who’d find it hard to switch gears emotionally between environments. Factor in the driving when you’re tired or stressed out between home and campus. You need to drive safely. </p>

<p>Some people like to just camp in with a loved one, while others need to be able to come-and-go to maintain their strength to be a good caregiver. Either way you can bring a lot to help the situation. </p>

<p>You have to ask yourself, in your heart (not so much your head) from which place, which position, do you feel you can best be a part of this important family transition.</p>

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<p>I really don’t think you have options in this situation. You mentioned that you really were not close to your dad but you did not mention your mom. They both need you right now. Your dad needs to know that you are there for your mom and, that will help him to be at peace. You will never have this time back as other posters have mentioned and, when you think back at this time of your life you may regret not being there for the people who need you. You have completed school and the exploration of course work can and should wait. I am so sorry that you and your family is going through this.</p>

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<p>Nothing to add to all this wise advice, except that a single visit with a minister or priest, or a therapist, or some trusted adult who is outside of the family, might help.</p>

<p>Also, I am thinking that any losses to your career are easily recouped, including that internship. I would think that if you explained the situation, any organization or company would give you another chance at that internship opportunity.</p>

<p>Many of us have had similar experiences in our lives. It is helpful to acknowledge that your father’s illness is causing a little bit of anger and frustration about your own goals. This is not selfish, but is normal and healthy to feel. Maybe acknowledging that that can clear your head a little and then you can decide what is best.</p>

<p>It may sound harsh, but your father is not going to be around for much longer. You are. Also, he maybe less and less conscious of who is around. You need to think about his feelings, yes, but most of all, as others have said, if you imagine yourself 20 years from now, what scenario do you want to look back on without regret?</p>

<p>I am not prejudging. I don’t think there is an easy answer. But you do have a lot of time for studies and work, and it does make a difference that you already have your BS and are “exploring,” which can be done anytime. </p>

<p>I am assuming that the social life you had in college is no longer an issue, since most grads have moved on. If you were still an undergrad, I agree with you that maintaining your newly improved social life would be important for your life too.</p>

<p>Good luck, and I am so sorry about your father.</p>

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<p>Thanks again for all the responses. I really appreciate them for the difficult situation i’m in. </p>

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<p>I’m sure the doctors said its ‘weeks’ or ‘the time is very near’</p>

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<p>you think so? after speaking with my mom and brother yesterday, they said that that would indeed be enough time, but of course they may just be saying that so that i can continue my studies</p>

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<p>i’m very close to my mom, but i was never really close to my dad as we had many fights and arguments in the past. </p>

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<p>well for the DOE spring term internship that i had to turn down, i explained the situation to them, which was why i couldn’t accept their offer, but they said that i had to re-apply for the summer term, so i’m not secured an offer. As much as that internship would’ve been valuable to my career, i knew i had no choice but to turn it down. I just find it really frustrating that i may have to ask my professors for the letters of rec again, as i’ve already bothered them enough for asking for them</p>

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<p>i’m not sure what you’re trying to say, as most of the new friends i made don’t graduate until spring. I’ll likely find it unfortunate that i can’t hang out with them during the winter quarter, but i can always see them for the spring, as that’s when i’ll likely return to school</p>

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<p>If possible, use the same letters of rec., with different dates. These days, a lot of times the prof.'s keep these letters in their computers and it is not hard to redo. Or go higher up with DOE and see if your old application could be reused in its entirety, given the situation-?</p>

<p>Can you concentrate on studies while this is going on? I had a similar situation and had trouble focusing on schoolwork at the time…just another thought.</p>

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<p>How soon do you have to make this decision (about where to attend) ?</p>