should i take time off from school for my ill family member?

Parents Forum
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<p>It sounds like you’re not thrilled with the idea of staying home this term…but there is something telling you that is the right thing to do. You say your mom and you get along well. SHE will need some extra support during the coming weeks. So will your sibling(s). </p>

<p>You are not “halting” a degree program. You are “trying” some courses to see if a course of study might be right. I would suggest taking the ONE course near your home and being there with and for your family. I think this is one time you should perhaps put them before yourself in this decision making.</p>

<p>I hope that my kids would make the decision to be here with their dad or me if something like this were to happen in our family.</p>

<p>School can wait…family situations like this cannot.</p>

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<p>OP,
It occurs to me that if I were in your father’s or mother’s position, I might tell my child to go on with his life. And I would actually mean it, because I am accustomed to sublimating my needs for his. But, really, it would be be a great comfort if he were to choose to be with us. I hope that I have progressed enough to recognize that fact and give voice to it, but I don’t know.</p>

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<p>We are going through something similar at our house. I encouraged our kids to go away to college during the earlier stages of their parent’s disease, which is what I knew my spouse wanted. It sounds as if your family was supportive of your education as well, since you were in school for the last two years during your Dad’s illness. Having been in the shoes of a parent putting children first, I can attest that MaFool speaks the truth.</p>

<p>Since you got your degree, I view the current situation differently. You’re talking about exploring a new career degree program. It seems that you could do this at any time. A leave for a dying parent will not prejudice the rest of your life. A semester is only 4 months. Getting additional reference letters or even taking a semester off from school is a minor inconvenience in the scheme of things. There isn’t a professor in the world who would hold it against you that you needed to help your family during your Dad’s terminal illness. I presume that you’re not a child/teenager any longer, and that you’re able to assume adult responsiblities.</p>

<p>IMO, as harsh as it may sound, the final weeks of a parent’s illness and the needs of your family shouldn’t be a part-time commitment that you schedule around trial classes. Frankly, I’d be a little hurt if my Mom and sibling said that they didn’t need me around much at this time.</p>

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<p>Whatever you decide, talk to your mom to make sure that you can be covered by health insurance while you do it. Either staying home to help your mom care for your dad or taking classes part time might make you ineligible for your family’s policy if you are old enough so that you can only be covered if you are a full-time student.</p>

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<p>This suggests you may end up having ‘complicated grief’ afterwards…which is all the more reason, for your own sake, to consider putting your life briefly on hold and spending time with your dad. Sometimes the toughest losses are ones with unresolved issues with our parents. </p>

<p>So while you may have been at odds with your dad, he’s still your dad. It may mean you may not want to have to sit there with him right now, you don’t feel close, or even necessarily a lot of loss yet, but it may be the necessary thing for you to do as you continue on with your life without him. </p>

<p>Even if you think he’s not able to hear you, you might find it very valuable to tell him some things that will bring you closure to your relationship, things that you won’t be able to tell him after he’s passed away. Maybe - just as examples- that you wish you hadn’t had conflict, that it would have been good had you been closer. That maybe you two fought because you were actually both stubborn. Or that you know now he just meant the best for you even though you were both different. Or maybe that you feel sorry you wasted time fighting, but that you still loved him and knew he loved you, or that its okay you didn’t get along because you still turned out to be a person he is proud of (or entirely different things…I’m obviously just projecting here some possibilities…but i’m sure you can think of some of your own). You might find if you feel strange saying things things now, it will be easier to write them and read them aloud to him. </p>

<p>So sorry if I’m going way off tangent…you weren’t asking for this kind of advice and it may be completely irrelevant and annoying to you. Maybe you already did this or can’t bring yourself to do this. But if you had a challenging relationship with your parent, and you have the blessing of some time before he goes, if its at all possible for you to spend time and heal things or close things before he goes if you haven’t already, I just wanted to mention it.</p>

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<p>End-stage cancer care with family support often means that next-of-kin rotate shifts. Here there are 3 adults to take shifts (OP, brother, mother). If the OP stays at school where he is, he’d be home Mon, Wed. and weekends, so that’s 4 days weekly and 2 sleepover nights. And wanting to be with friends a bit is a reasonable hope, too, even or especially through the most difficult episode so far in his life. </p>

<p>Everything being said above is great. For your father, do talk to him, make peace with him, help your mother, and be there. I’m saying all that can and will happen almost as well as if you dropped out for the semester to stay home 24/7. </p>

<p>Even when people are bedside 24/7, it is often the case that the actual passing of the loved one happens when the hardest working caregivers are sound asleep nearby; or the family slips out for a one-hour hospital dinner; or the steadiest visitor goes to the bathroom for a few minutes. </p>

<p>I think there comes a point when each support person decides “this is the best I can do under these circumstances.” We could also tell his brother to quit his in-town job; after all, that’s better than working every day – but we don’t say that. </p>

<p>I just feel that in this situation, where the distances are very manageable evidently, he will be just as good a son either way. If he lived 500 miles away I’d be commenting entirely differently; then I’d tell him to drop the semester. But he’s close.</p>

<p>Recently I moved 2 hours away to do bedside care for my elder for 2 months until the morning she died. Fortunately, there was also a brother and sister-in-law in the same town, working fultime jobs. All of us needed each other, with 3 of us rotating shifts tightly. There was a burn-out that occurred too, if we didn’t each take multi-hour breaks. So we did shifts, but covered her 24/7. I also drove home once weekly for a 24-hour recharge, or I wouldn’t have made it through. It’s deeply rewarding as well as exhausting work.</p>

<p>That’s why I am trying to reassure this young man that even if he stays in school but devotes half of every week’s waking hours to his Dad and Mom, that’s about all anyone can do even if they live right in the house 24/7. I hope that makes some sense. Definitely hit a chord here.</p>

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<p>“Spend time with your dad AND your mom. As your dad declines every day, she needs someone she can talk to, share her sorrow and worries, prepare for the inevitable end, help her with the many loose ends that need to be tied, and what to do once your dad is gone.”</p>

<p>I agree with this. Both of your parents need you at this time. Your mom needs you as much as your dad needs you. You can always return to college, but if you miss this opportunity to be a support to your parents during this difficult time, it will never come again. </p>

<p>If you take the time off and are there for your parents, you’ll also learn that you’ll be giving a gift to yourself as well as to your parents. There is nothing more intimate than being with someone as they die. There are lessons and blessings in this that you’ll use for the rest of your life. My perspective comes from being there for two friends as they died. I wasn’t able to do this with my parents – dad died suddenly after a long illness, mom dropped dead during a relative period of health – and I regret not being able to be there for them though it wasn’t my fault.</p>

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<p>well i submitted a new application, but its almost identical to the previous one. I already told them about my situation and they said they can’t secure me a spot in the summer, so I just have to re-apply and hope I get accepted again</p>

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<p>well my classes start tomorrow. I talked about this with my family again, and they said that i could always take the classes for now, but then drop them before the deadline, so we have more time to think about my taking time off from school. I’ll likely take the classes for now, but then drop them within 2 weeks</p>

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<p>i looked into that one course at the JC near home, and it will have conflicts if I take the winter quarter off, but then return to my university for the spring quarter, as the JC uses the semester system. Luckily, that class doesnt start until the end of the month, so I have more to think about taking it or not, but i likely won’t, as I can just wait until the spring to take that class at my university (assuming i only take 1 quarter off from school)</p>

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<p>I really hope so. They may find me annoying by now since I’ve asked them for letters of rec a few times now, and turned down offers to summer programs I got accepted into, because of my change in career goals, and because of those locations were too far from home, so I couldn’t see my dad often</p>

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<p>That’s why i thought coming home for 4 days a week would be enough to see my dad, as school is only an hour away from home. But judging from the responses in this thread, my dad and my mom would probably need me home more than that, so I’ll likely just take the entire quarter off, as much as i really don’t want to</p>

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<p>I’m so very sorry you and your family are dealing with this. Is it GBM?</p>

<p>I lost my dad to brain cancer in September 2008. When it became clear that we were nearing the end of the road, I hesitated and dithered about exactly when to take a leave of absence from work and just be there fulltime. I worried that I would go too soon and use up all my available days off before the end, and then wouldn’t be there when I was needed most. So I understand the mental back-and-forth you’re going through, all too well.</p>

<p>He died just three days after I started my leave. If I could rewind time, I would go sooner. Much sooner. But it’s so hard to know when it’s a long and lingering decline like this.</p>

<p>If you’re not already familiar with it, this symptom timeline from brainhospice.org may help you judge how much time your dad may have left:</p>

<p>[url=<a href=“http://www.brainhospice.com/SymptomTimeline.html]SymptomTimeline[/url”>http://www.brainhospice.com/SymptomTimeline.html]SymptomTimeline[/url</a>]</p>

<p>Good luck to you. May your father’s passing be as peaceful as possible.</p>

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<p>Lance Armstrong’s Livestrong Foundation also offers excellent free support and info to people with cancer, and their friends and families: [Lance</a> Armstrong Foundation: Cancer Support](<a href=“http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2661019/k.8FE9/Cancer_Support.htm]Lance”>http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2661019/k.8FE9/Cancer_Support.htm)</p>

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<p>Each family is different and there is some good advice on here. One thing no one has mentioned is what will happen after the father passes away. Yes, some have mentioned possible regrets of time spent away from Dad, but perhaps there should be some consideration of what happens six weeks after the funeral. If the OP puts his life completely on hold, what will he have to go back to or to anchor himself to once the crowds thin and his Mom and Brother go back to work, etc? Could being at home with no job and no school become a bit depressing at that point in time? Sometimes, it’s good to have a bit of a life outside the family tragedy… it can be a relief for a day or a few hours to be around people who are not connected to the trauma. I think the OP should follow his heart. Take the class and see what happens. There is not a professor in the world who would not give him an Incomplete if he needs to drop out later in the quarter. To borrow a popular slogan: take everything one day at a time. If you have access to a therapist, either through school or family insurance, it might be good to drop in for a couple of one hour sessions as you go through this sad experience. You might find it a relief to confide in someone who is not close to your family and will not be devastated by seeing your grief. So sorry for you and your family.</p>

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<p>What a difficult decision. You are receiving lots of input here from many parents. </p>

<p>On friendship, I have a new thought: since you’re just an hour away and you’d mentioned wanting not to lose touch with friends, you can stay in touch online, or even drive out to see them here and there when you take a break (and you should sometimes). Then you will be reaching out to friends but on your own timeline and choice. Many people find it helps to clear your head to talk with others outside an intense situation, in which case a quick visit out to campus on a given day might be doable just for change-of-scene. </p>

<p>The timeline lunitari sent you (Post #29) is much better (i.e. more detailed) than the one I used for guidance. I wonder if lunitari’s resource is specific to brain cancer or holds true for all kinds of cancer? Anyway, if you can place your Dad on that timeline, it might help you decide things about your own activities. </p>

<p>Ditto the strength from reading Lance Armstrong (post #30).</p>

<p>If you don’t have Hospice in place to guide and support your family, I do recommend them with all my heart. </p>

<p>Something else you mentioned causes me to recommend this easy-read, consoling best-seller that was a big help to people from all (or no) faiths: **When Bad Things Happen to Good People **. It was written by someone who faced an untimely death in his own family. He was able to separate these unexpected, unfair life events from a sense many have that somehow they or their family are being punished for no apparent reason.</p>

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<p>This is a very difficult time for your family and my sympathy is with you.</p>

<p>I have a differing view – as a Mom I would prefer that you remain at school if you indeed would be home as much as your schedule will allow. It really depends on your relationship with your parents. I am very private and would prefer some alone time with my husband rather than having my son around 24/7. It is different with your sibling who continues to go to work.</p>

<p>I have dealt with cancer in extended family, In my personal experience it is the healthy partner (your mom) whose needs are paramount. Home nursing, etc. cares for the patient but often it is the healthy partner who is not being looked after enough.</p>

<p>Also, I must point out, staying at school and being home as much as possible will not provide a social outlet. I really think your social life should be put on hold for now.</p>

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<p>lunitari, I’m very sorry to hear about your losing your dad. Yes, my dad has GBM. its hard to tell how much time he has left from that SymptomTimeline link, but my guess is that he has a few weeks left at most.</p>

<p>Northstarmom, thanks very much for that Lance Armstrong link. I’ll look into that</p>

<p>“Yes, some have mentioned possible regrets of time spent away from Dad, but perhaps there should be some consideration of what happens six weeks after the funeral. If the OP puts his life completely on hold, what will he have to go back to or to anchor himself to once the crowds thin and his Mom and Brother go back to work, etc? Could being at home with no job and no school become a bit depressing at that point in time? Sometimes, it’s good to have a bit of a life outside the family tragedy… it can be a relief for a day or a few hours to be around people who are not connected to the trauma. I think the OP should follow his heart. Take the class and see what happens. There is not a professor in the world who would not give him an Incomplete if he needs to drop out later in the quarter. To borrow a popular slogan: take everything one day at a time.”
“In my personal experience it is the healthy partner (your mom) whose needs are paramount. Home nursing, etc. cares for the patient but often it is the healthy partner who is not being looked after enough.”</p>

<p>that’s why i want to return to school so badly. my mom has already mentioned she only really needs me to help her in the mornings and night. She even told me that if i took the entire quarter off, that would leave me with alot of free time during the afternoons. She mentioned that i could also just take a part-time job at Staples or Target, or take a couple for-fun classes at the nearby JC, if i end up with lots of time to kill.</p>

<p>paying3tuitions, thank you for all your input. I can tell you care alot about my situation and are trying very hard to help, and i really appreciate it</p>

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<p>My Dad also has untreatable cancer and has had it for several years; it is tough to know when the end really is near!</p>

<p>I spoke to Hospice advisers to ask their advice on telling people far away when they should visit. The Hospice nurse said to tell every one they should assume he will not be around longer, but rather a shorter time period and if they can visit and would regret not having visited (should he die before the next time they could come) then they should visit.</p>

<p>In other words, each visitor should do the right thing for themselves based on assuming their is less time rather than more. If my brother could come for Christmas, but planned for Easter instead, he should decide if he would still be okay with that choice is Dad dies before Easter. If my brother would have regretted missing Christmas, then he should come.</p>

<p>In the same way, you should do what feels right in your heart assuming he dies sooner rather than later.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I have two siblings who live far away and neither has dropped everything to care for Dad, they have lives & jobs & houses and cannot just come and be where he is. I have three kids in college and none of them is putting their plans on hold to be with their Grandpa (and they are close to him) They know to treat each visit as if it may be their last, though Dad just keeps going and is pretty functional, too.</p>

<p>My oldest is abroad right now and I was feeling some angst about how she might feel if he dies before she is home and then realised that she has spent the past several years spending quality time interacting with him and she has done what she needed to do. I don’t feel she should put her life on hold and come home, he is excited to hear about all the adventures she is having and would not want her to just put a halt to her life for a death watch.</p>

<p>Whatever you do, think it through and try to look at it from a long term perspective for you and your mother.</p>

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<p>I’ll second the notion that you speak with an experienced grief counselor/hospice worker. They may have more experience and insight with what comes after three months from now – as in what your mom may be experiencing and what needs to be done financially, housing wise, work wise, tax wise – the more you understand the steps, the more appropriately you can make your choices. </p>

<p>My mother died when I was in grad school. We got through the funeral ok – but I didn’t realize how lonely my Dad was six months later. He started going to bars just to have someone to talk to – thank goodness some family friends started introducing him around and he met a lovely lady – but there was a point there when he could have been very vulnerable to someone with larceny in their hearts. Some miserable beings actually read the obits page to identify lonely survivors . . . </p>

<p>Have a conversation with your mom. She might actually be OK with you being at school this term if you chose to be nearby for the summer.</p>