<p>I hate college. I've been here nine weeks and it's terrible and every week is worse than the last. I have no friends and no idea what I want to major in and hate being here. But I don't think I'd be happy anywhere. I'm just a miserable person. People have tried being nice to me here and I've tried being nice to them but I can't make a friend. I'm shy and I'm awkward and I need to get drunk to have any sort of a personality and the one time I did that I just ended up getting extremely <strong><em>ed at my *</em></strong>* bag acquaintances I had here that were from high school that I hated anyway. And I let them know. So we don't talk anymore and I'm not sorry and even though I might have been happier going through the motions of forging friendships with them, I wouldn't go back to them and beg for the forgiveness because I'm not sorry.</p>
<p>I don't really have interests and that causes a lot of problems. For the last couple years I've just listened to the Smiths album (Hatful of Hollow) and every now and then posted pictures of myself on dumb social networking websites hoping to scrounge up a few compliments on my appearance. Regardless, I've joined clubs about things I sort of care about Environmental Protection club or something because I don't mind going outside when it's not too hot and I guess it would suck if the world blew up. I guess that's a little bit of why I joined but really I wanted to meet people who actually cared about something because those people are cool and I aspire to be like them. But the club is filled with pre-meds desperate for some charitable club to put on their application and I'm not interested in that.</p>
<p>Not having interests makes it difficult to choose a major. The problem is that I haven't lost all hope yet. There's a line in Fight Club that saysit's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.If I said I hadn't been happy since I was twelve it would be entirely true. I've had happy moments but I don't see them very often. But for the most part I've been sad since I was twelve. So what have I done? Everything the world says you need to be happy. Play some sport I don't want to play, lifted weights, got a girlfriend, worked way too hard in high school to get into some prestigious so I can get rich and then I'll suddenly be happy. Now I'm a freshman at some college majoring in some major that is supposed to make me rich and happy and I could lie to myself and convince myself that I'm interested in it because I have before and most people do. But we're tamed apes. We don't care about problems of women from 1840 or how printing money affects interest rates or the sum of the voltage drop across a circuit or any of that ****. We just want to be happy. Myself included. Oh, but back to the problem. I have this little ounce of hope that if I get loaded rich and buy some mountainside house in Colorado or if I get bigger biceps or if I meet some girl that I'll finally be happy. But I know it's not true. Still, I haven't lost all hope yet. So I'm not free to do whatever I want.</p>
<p>If I transfer I want to go to Brown. It might be some dumb fixation with prestige and my pursuit of happiness through material things that I don't even want. Or maybe because I'm buying into that image of the carefree laid back Brown kid that I don't even know if I am. I don't know.</p>
<p>If I drop out I want move somewhere cool and see what happens. </p>
<p>If I stay here I'll be miserable but I can be lazy and afraid; the two most natural but flawed human emotions.</p>