I’m really uncertain about what to do with my current situation. I’ve just finished my first semester as a freshman at a SUNY school. I did pretty great grade-wise but was miserable in all of my classes. Whatever though, maybe it was just the classes… Anyways now here I am in my second week of the spring semester and I’m still feeling miserable and really hate it here. My mom wants me to transfer because she knows how unhappy I am, but I’m worried if that is the right choice for me. I don’t like my roommates and have stopped talking to them much, and they were my only friends… I eat all of my meals alone and really spend all my time alone since I haven’t managed to make any friends during my first semester. The professors and advisors here also haven’t helped much, I even went to my personal advisor in need of advice for what to do and he couldn’t offer any suggestions at all. I just feel like no one really cares about how I’m doing at this school?
In the fall when I was signing up for classes there was a mishap regarding my schedule and I ended up being kicked out of all the classes I had pre-registered for as an Honors student, regardless of the privilege that comes with being an Honors student no one seemed to care that much and none of the higher-ups that I contacted helped me get my old schedule back. Just all these instances of being ignored or overlooked by staff make me feel more and more like I’m unimportant to them or that my wellbeing and happiness isn’t something worth wasting time over…
Despite all this, I am still really hesitant over actually starting the transfer process. I’m scared that I’ll just be running away from my problems and will be going through a lot of work and extra stress just to end up in the exact same place that I started in.
wherever you go, there you are.
How do you know that you dislike your roommates if you’ve stopped talking to them? What kind of help did you ask for from your professors and advisers- something specific that’s within their power, or something general like “I hate it here, make it stop”?
If I were you, I’d spend less time right now worrying about transferring, and more time focused on making the best of where you are. Bloom where you are planted. Get out of your comfort zone- sit down next to someone at lunch and ask “are you a freshman?” Study in the library if you’ve been studying in your room, and make an effort to talk to people on your way out. Join an activity, volunteer to run the coat drive for the homeless, go to church or another religious activity.
If you’ve spent a couple of months alone and hanging by yourself, you are sending out a “don’t come near me” vibe which is very off-putting to other people. So change the vibe! Do you have a campus job? If not, get one. Be the person in the hairnet who makes waffles on Sunday morning and says Hi to everyone. Be the person in the library who checks that students are walking out with reserved books in their backpacks (and say Hi to everyone). Be the person in the housing office who hands out extra keys to kids who lock themselves out and make small talk.
It’s hard- especially since you’re in a bit of a funk socially- but you can do this. You don’t need to decide to transfer today. But you do need to commit to being friendlier before you decide that you can’t make friends, you are miserable, and need to leave.
Because once you’ve transferred- there you are again. You will need to get out there- again- and make an effort to be friendly. All over again. So practice now. And whether you stay or go, learning to engage is going to pay off for you for the rest of your adult life.
I had a miserable semester at one point in college, and an acquaintance “volunteered me” to drive the campus van which shuttled students to various volunteer activities in the community. I was angry- the job paid well, but first you needed to take a class to get licensed to drive what was essentially a refurbished school bus. That was a pain. And then you actually had to show up for work, never knowing where you’d be heading and I didn’t know the city all that well.
It was a blast. The most interesting people got on that van! Med students who were working in a local home for the elderly on a geriatrics study. Art History students who were working as guides and docents at a local museum. Frat boys who were running athletics programs for disadvantaged kids at the local Boys and Girls Club. And other random students doing all sorts of cool things-- literally A to Z- alzheimer’s to zoology.
The atmosphere on that bus was like a chill party. And I was really sad the next semester when my class schedule meant I couldn’t drive the van. Did I become BFF with any of the folks I drove? No. Did it mean dozens of friendly faces when I went to get coffee or to find an empty desk at the library? Yes- dozens. Was I a great driver? Heck no. But we got lost together, there was always someone still on the van at the end of my shift to help me back it into the garage (I still need help!) and it was good for a laugh or two that the worst driver on campus ended up driving university property-- with students on board.
It got me out of my funk. Go get a job that forces you to talk to other students!!! You can do this!!!