<p>*lifted from the Transfer Students thread--I'd like to get some adult perspective</p>
<p>I'm applying to transfer to some schools in my home state, because I have no close friends at my current school. If I were accepted, I wouldn't stay in a dorm; I'd live with a sibling, whom I'm very close to. My rationale for transferring was that, in addition to having no friends, I'm not really one for the "college life"--I'm not a fan of partying, and all I do is study (which I admit, is not at all conducive to making friends, but my compulsive studying is a whole other issue in and of itself), so I might as well live in a place where I'd be comfortable rather than be unhappy here. But more than anything else, I want to be around someone who really cares about and understands me. Someone I can share things and laugh with. Being without anybody to turn to in college has sucked.</p>
<p>Sometimes, though, I've wondered if transferring would really be the right choice, since eventually I'll have to enter the real world and won't necessarily be able to rely on my family for support and friendship. I'll have to deal with being alone and having to (somehow)make new friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is that transferring would feel like admitting that I can't deal with the real world (and I know college is not really representative of the real world, but some of the things students do during college--move away from home, meet and befriend new people, adjust to a new place,etc.--seem to help prepare them for the real world).</p>
<p>But after every break, when I return to my current school I always feel dread and sadness. I felt dread even after Thanksgiving break last month, when I told myself I'd only have a few more weeks before Christmas break. The school I attend is very isolated and the town is really small; another advantage of transferring (if I get in) is that I'd be in a city, so even if I don't make friends there, I'll at least be better able to entertain myself.</p>
<p>What do you think? Should I stick it out at my current school, or should I transfer?</p>
<p>The idea of transferring after the first semester is, I agree, very tempting. It’s certainly something to think about. But, here’s the thing: most freshmen kids are just like you. They miss their friends from HS, they miss their home and family. They think college isn’t what you thought it would be. The fact that you came here to get advice is a very positive step. You’re considering the options. </p>
<p>My suggestion is to tough it out until the end of your freshman year. This spring, you might discover lots of other kids who feel as you do, and you’ll make friends. It’s actually much healthier, because, as you said, going away to college is a time where you learn new skills, which includes meeting others. If you always just relied on your family, well, that’s very limiting.</p>
<p>If you are serious about transferring, do not choose the college to go to simply because that’s where your brother or sister lives. Living with a sibling as you’re just starting is what you can do when you get out of college, but not now. Instead, what you should do if join lots of different groups and clubs at school. Volunteer…there are lots of places, run by your school, that need volunteers. The more involved you are, the more you’ll enjoy yourself.</p>
<p>I’m actually a sophomore. I tried getting a little more involved this semester, and while I did meet new people, I didn’t really befriend anybody. Additionally, trying to maintain a competitive GPA for my application made me reluctant to get really involved with anything. But since I don’t have to worry as much about grades during the spring semester, I’m going to really try exploring extracurriculars and see what happens.</p>
<p>You sound like you have thought about this a lot, and you have some pretty good insights. Have you considered talking about it with a counselor? (I’m talking about a psychologist or psychiatric social worker, not an academic counselor.)</p>
<p>You seem to recognize that you have a real problem that you have to deal with. The question is what is the right way for you to go about dealing with it? Living with a family member would be a kind of a crutch, but maybe that’s OK if you treat it like a crutch – i.e., something temporary, to help you while you are getting stronger, NOT a permanent solution or a way to put off dealing with your problems. </p>
<p>Transferring itself isn’t going to solve anything. At best it will make you a little less miserable while you work on a solution; at worst it will stop you from working on a solution. But staying where you are isn’t going to solve anything, either. You have already shown that you are capable of being there and being miserable, but that isn’t a great way to live. So, either way, you are going to have to make some big changes that don’t come naturally to you.</p>
<p>That’s why I think it makes sense to get some professional help with this decision and the more important ones that have to accompany it.</p>
<p>Sounds like you are really working to keep your options open – but that means you aren’t picking a pony to ride. So do SOMETHING with enthusiasm. Either throw yourself, wholeheartedly, into making your college a success for you – or dust off those traveling shoes and throw yourself, wholeheartedly, into making the next location work for you. </p>
<p>Either way, quit circling the pool while agonizing about getting wet. Little kids do this. They really, really want to jump in the swimming pool and have fun but they are also truly afraid that it will be cold, someone might dunk them, the water will be too deep, the water might go up their nose, etc. These are all real possibilities. The little tyke can work themselves into a huge lather – they don’t want to jump in, but they don’t want to go home either. </p>
<p>It sounds like going back to your current college would make you feel pretty bleak right now. Maybe that pool is too cold and too deep. </p>
<p>So, what about heading to some more familiar waters? A bit warmer, with some safety features (relatives and friends) – you can embrace that opportunity – but with the stern mental note that you aren’t going to stay in the toddler pool forever. You are going with the mindset of gaining strength and skill so you are ready for deeper waters before long. </p>
<p>You could transfer, with the mindset that part of the “deal” that you are making with yourself is that you are going to work on how to find groups that work for you and how to expand beyond your current comfort zone, friend wise. Thinking that through, how does your heart respond? If that notion of familiarity combined with challenge slips on like a shoe that fits, then you have your path. </p>
<p>Having lived many, many places, I can assure you that no place is perfect and everyplace has things to hate – but some spots do speak to the soul and one is very, very lucky to spend time in those. Hope you find yours.</p>