You sound like you are in a bit of a crisis yourself and might benefit from some counseling. The stress this is putting on you - and probably on your relationship with your daughter (and spouse if he is in the picture) must be tremendous. I assume there is also a lot of grief associated with realizing that your darling daughter is suffering and you are powerless to help her. In short, you need to take care of yourself so you can be strong and help her find her way. If you are anguished on her behalf, you will not be making good choices for yourself or for her.
should or CAN I apply to colleges FOR my daughter - time is running out and she has given up on life
Please excuse me if I am reading your original post incorrectly, but are you saying that her year long soulmate relationship with her best friend made her start to question her identity in terms of wondering if she is gay or perhaps transgendered, and if so, because of her Catholic faith, she believes she is damned to hell? Is that also what you believe will happen if she doesn’t regain her former “identity”? I apologize for putting it so bluntly, but if such is the case, she is in a terribly difficult no win situation – one which often can lead students to “give up on life” and become suicidal (especially if they think they are doomed to hell regardless). If I am not way off base in my reading of your original post and this is in fact the situation you are facing, I urge you to reach out to support groups, councilors or faith leaders who can help you accept your daughter’s choices, even if they go against your religion. Others have gone through similar journeys with their LGBT children and it is not easy when your beliefs cry out against your child’s choices, but my understanding of these issues is that if your daughter is gay or transgendered, she can’t change who she is. Please try to be supportive of her search for her identity and be accepting of the outcome. What else can we do as parents but love and support our children for who they are?
I didn’t read it that way originally, ttm, but that makes a LOT of sense. I hope that’s not the case, and that she doesn’t feel damned because of how she was born, but if it is then I retract my original advice to consult a Priest.
Do whatever it takes to stabilize her mental health including being screened for, and hopefully ruling out, OCD (the obsession with going to hell could be an indicator).
Once she is stabilized, work with her on colleges. If she is serious about the States, Williams might not be the best fit right now. Consider the 40 “Colleges That Change Lives” schools, where there tends to be a lot of personal attention and support.
I didn’t read it that way either, but WOW, that would explain a lot of things! A very good friend of mine from a very conservative religion has a child who came out to her while in HS, but only after trying twice to kill themselves and had packed before telling the parents, expecting to be thrown out of the house. Their schooling took a hit in terms of achievement, not surprisingly, as they struggled with their identity. Luckily, my friend and her H decided their child meant more to them than anything else and accepted them completely.
If the D in this story believes she is going to hell for being gay and that nothing matters, it would fit with everything the OP is saying. In THAT case, I would direct both mom and D to the “It Gets Better Project” for encouragement and to search for a good therapist that is gay friendly. I don’t know how hard that would be in Ireland, though. The country may have just voted for gay marriage but it’s still a very conservative place according to a friend who lives there.
I agree with MidwestDad3 in that I think OCD should be ruled out. If the OP’s daughter suffers from OCD related scrupulosity, she may worry obsessively that she doesn’t believe in God, that she is gay or transgender, or any number of things that she fears would damn her to hell, without any of those things being the case. This would be different from actually discovering that she doesn’t believe in God, or that she is gay or transgender, and would require a different kind of support.
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My daughter is wonderful and has dedicated her life until recently to excelling in school so she can succeed and be a passionate elementary school teacher. She is still (just?) around the top of her class and has one more year of A-levels to go,
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maybe some day she'll come out of it. but after 3 years i am having difficulty coping myself!
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@silverwoman In your same first post, you wrote the above. You open by indicating that “until recently” things were going well. Then you conclude your post by indicating that this has been going on for 3 years (virtually her whole time in high school). It sounds like the truth is that your D has been suffering for a long time.
After reading your past posts/threads, I have to wonder if she may feel like “the weight of the family” is upon her. You and she are low income, and it appears (to me) that you’re expecting her to pull you both out of poverty by getting into a TOP US school (like Harvard or Williams), you’ll move with her to the US, and then she’ll graduate and have her career…and what? Support you both? I know that isn’t what you’ve exactly said, and maybe I’m reading too much “between the lines,” but that is the feeling that I’m getting. It may also be the feeling that your DD has had for these past 3 years. “Mom is poor, and I’m the star student, so I’m supposed to be the family savior.” If that’s what she’s feeling, that’s a lot for a kid to handle. She may feel like she’s going to fail before she’s even begun.
Her father has never been in her life; his name isn’t even on her birth cert. As much as we’d all love to believe that those things don’t matter to children, they can mean a lot. There can be a feeling of, “he didn’t even think enough of me to insist on acknowledging that he’s my father.”
If it’s just been the two of you as a family, and you plan on moving with her when she goes to college, she may feel that you two are “attached at the hip”. Is that fair to her?
Even this thread screams to me, “I’m counting on moving to the US with my DD when she goes to college, so by golly, she’s going to apply or I’m going to apply for her.”
Both of you need to get into therapy. Yes, do also talk to your priest. Your diocese may offer some sort of counseling or be able to direct you.
When she had that BPD friend, that also could have left many “bruises”. BPD folks are shockingly abusing. They truly can leave you feeling like there’s only a shell left.
All therapy is not bad. You and her just haven’t yet found the right therapist.
I did read the OP as saying her daughter was deciding on her sexuality, but picked up more that the OP herself needs some organizational help. Hasn’t filed taxes in 4 years? Now only wants to do it to get financial aid? What type of college would she pick for her for her daughter? In which country?
OP, I think you can steer your child to colleges, to tour, to search online, but if she shows no interest, she’s not interested. I’ve done a lot of the paperwork for FA for my kids, and honestly I’m sick of their lack of interest. It is easier for me to just do it, but I want them to take some interest. It is like pulling teeth for them to just take 30 minutes to get a FAFSA ID, or to follow up with FA. Don’t do it if she’s not interested.
It sounds to me like you need to recognize that your daughter can still be "wonderful’ even if she has changed a lot from what you see as her past wonderfulness. The sooner you let go of whatever your vision was of how things would turn out, the better- for both you and your daughter. I think that many kids who grow up in a strong faith community go through a stage of questioning and even disturbance in identity. The Amish actually require that young people leave and then choose to return. I think it can be a sign of progress to a more mature stage of development, to stop the “shoulds” of childhood and think for oneself.
However, in the case of your daughter, this transitional stage, which is quite normal, has, for whatever reason, taken a turn toward the pathological- possibly due to the onset of a mental health condition, which often happens at this age. And the “black wall” imagery is concerning. Is she suicidal? There are mental health programs for adolescents specifically, often with placement afterward. Is that kind of thing accessible where you are?
There may very well be medications that could help her. I hope she is seeing a psychiatrist. If SSRI’s don’t work there are other options. It may take awhile.
My own daughter had the car accident one poster described. After a few months in the hospital she did actually apply to schools. Your daughter can too, when she is ready, but it is also fine for her to wait, work, and heal
Stop thinking of your daughter as a failed version of herself. She is herself at this moment, with much potential, but it may take time and some bumps for that to unfurl. Look to her strengths and appreciate her now- and get help for both of you.
You need to worry about her mental health first. I don’t see the point of you choosing and applying to colleges for her. That’s just the beginning. Are you also going to attend classes and write her papers for her? Either she’s on board with this or she’s not. Some kids may need a little organizational assistance but this goes way over the top. If she can’t manage her own life how is she going to manage a classroom full of kids?
If one professional hasn’t helped, try another. And if her religion is making her depressed and crazy, introduce her to a different one that will be accepting and supportive. This all needs to be resolved. And you’d best look into mental health benefits/coverage (or lack thereof) before making any rash decisions about where to live.
No you should not apply to colleges for your daughter. Imagine that she got in and it was discovered ((or she told them) that she got in on false petenses (essay not her own work, etc.). Where would that leave everyone?
That’s exactly how I read the original post. Additionally, it sounds as if Mom is severely in a state of denial and non-acceptance, since she did not frankly state the case. I don’t advise consulting a Priest either, but it sounds like OP needs therapy herself in order to come to terms with this.
I’m still wondering how accurate mom’s portrayal was.
I accidentally posted this reply in the other thread. Normally I wouldn’t repost here, but a lot of the replies are based on the assumption she’s an Irish citizen. She isn’t.
I agree with others that there are inconsistencies in the stories that have been told here. i also agree that the D needs to resolve her personal issues before even thinking about colllege.
But IMO it makes NO sense for this young woman to come to the US for school. She lives in NORTHERN IRELAND, not the Republic. Northern Ireland is part of the UK. She can go to a UK university as a UK citizen and the fees are lower than she is likely to have to pay in the US. Moreover, if those A levels are “for real,” she’s going to get into a better school in the UK than she’s likely to get into in the US WITHOUT having to take any additional test.
It seems just plain insane to me to do a gap year in the US to establish residency. In order for that to work, mom pretty much has to move to the US too. In some states, it won’t even work then. So, I gather the plan is this.
Mom and D move to the US and establish residence in a state. Presumably before doing this, mom and D have done their research and have picked out a state that has a public U D would like to attend. Mom and D will then get jobs in the US. (D can’t spend any part of the gap year doing anything out of state. In fact, it would be better if D stays at the same address as mom during that year. Wherever they live better have a long term lease. (Renting an apartment/home for a year is unlikely to qualify as establishing a domicile.)
The D will apply to college during this year. Then once she’s in, she’ll fill out the paperwork to be considered a resident for tuition purposes. She may well be turned down.
This doesn’t sound like a plan to me. YMMV.
ETA: If she keeps her official residence in Northern Ireland, she could, if she gets herself together, do something interesting during that gap year. She could even spend part of it in the US. Then she can apply to Oxbridge and other UK schools as well as American ones. If she gets into Harvard or Williams, she could still go there and you’d be able to compare the actual costs.
But again, straighten out the emotional stuff first.
From your description, it’s pretty clear she is having an existential crisis and is probably very depressed. I have been there with my daughter. There are lots of crappy, unqualified therapists out there, I am sorry to say, but there are also some very good ones. Keep trying until you find one in the latter category. We searched for one with experience in treating gifted children and it made all the difference.
Don’t apply to college for her (illegal here in the states). College is step 2. Step 1 is getting her well.
It’s hard to figure out from the post what the daughter’s issues are. However, I would recommend that she see a psychiatrist (an MD) and not merely a “therapist.” Late teens/early twenties are typically when mental illnesses emerge. It could be more than a transitional anxiety or depression. Get a diagnosis from the proper professional first, and then her options going forward will be more clear.
It is so hard for girls in my opinion. I only have boys but I think the pressure to be “perfect” is awful. Perhaps you could apply for her to local colleges near where you live so she could live at home at first or maybe a smaller college. The fact that she gets in somewhere could really boost her confidence. I would get her counseling and do not be afraid to change a counselor until you find a good one. I think you should go too if possible to see how you can navigate this difficult time. College is important but I think mental health is more important. If there is anything you can get her involved in where she is focused on healing others, it might help her realize how some things are wonderful in her life. Good luck!!