Close friend’s kid attends Harvard. The student and family seem obligated to down play the college the student attends, almost as an unwritten rule.
For example, many times when someone asks where the daughter goes to college, they say things like “she goes to college in Boston” etc. as if saying she goes to Harvard will be frowned upon as bragging by the student/parents.
Same goes with college swag. I don’t see the college sweatshirts, license plate frames, FB posts etc as families having kids attending other top colleges such as Stanford, UPenn, Duke, Vanderbilt…
Is attending Harvard in some small way a “burden” when it comes to being excited about your college choice and having to downplay which college you attend?
I think it’s ridiculous. They chose to go there, they should accept it. There’s obviously a level of prestige when attending an ivy, especially Harvard, and they knew that before enrolling.
I think they are overthinking this. My neighbor who has two kids in that “Boston college” proudly wears swags and my friend whose kids in Yale and Stanford are doing the same. To me, being so “burdened” by name schools might be a sign that they are focusing on “prestige” a bit too much? Average people don’t really care about the school prestige that much.
I have a relative that attended Harvard. It is true that at times there is a little social discomfort, a tiny amount, that is heavily outweighed by the massive social benefit attached!
I hear you OP. I’ve thought the same thing. But one way to avoid this problem and still go to a highly selective college is to attend UChicago. Many/most people here in Kansas either haven’t heard of it or have no idea it’s private or selective. When people ask me where DD goes to school, I often get blank stares when I say “University of Chicago”. Lol.
I’d expect one of the key reasons that many choose Harvard over other alternatives is a belief that the college name is especially impressive. Some believe Harvard is the top college in the world, which most/many students want to attend, so they are floored when people mention attending the school and expect others to have a similar reaction. As such, I’d expect Harvard students/alumni are far more likely to casually bring up their college name than the generally population. This certainly fits my experience with Harvard alumni postings on social media.
The what I expect is a small minority that says “a school in Boston” instead of Harvard likely stems from similar beliefs. They believe many will have an extreme reaction to hearing they attended Harvard, which may include negative components , so they need to being courteous and avoid mentioning the name.
I expect the reality is that the vast majority of the population is not especially concerned about where you went to college. For most people, where you attended college rarely naturally comes up in conversation once you have been out of a college for a few years, so avoiding saying the name of the college is a non-issue. If a student/parent/alumni does “drop the H bomb”, I expect most people won’t be floored or jealous, and will instead have a mild “that’s nice” or “that’s a good school” type reaction, then continue the conversation without issue.
I attended Stanford. There is a small minority of people I’ve met who seem to have a strong reaction to the school name, but most people do not. Instead most people do not seem especially familiar beyond knowing Stanford is generally a good school and/or knowing something about their football team.
"For example, many times when someone asks where the daughter goes to college, they say things like “she goes to college in Boston” "
I honestly didn’t know people still did this! Very quaint. Shouldn’t one then ask, “Which house?” I agree that, in this day and age, a straightforward answer is fine, though.
Or go to the UK. A friend of mine who attended Cambridge says he sometimes got “oh, is that somewhere near Harvard?” when people from his hometown asked where he went to school.
For most normal conversation I eventually learned to say “when I was in university…” rather than “when I was at …”. I did not attend Harvard, but I did attend a school or two that you do not want to mention in normal conversation for the same reason.
However, if you are smart enough to get into Harvard, you should be smart enough to edit your conversation style sufficiently to avoid annoying people.
I find the rules of grace and humility a bit more difficult on this web site, where for many students the entire point is whether they will be able to or even should attend top ranked schools. Here actually having attended a top ranked school might be relevant to a person’s point of view on an issue.
I have one t-shirt each from the two universities that I got degrees from. I almost never wear either of them. Part of the reason is that I do not want my kids to think that they need to attend a school on the same level. They did attend very good universities, but not “top 30”. They found good fits and got good educations, which is much more important.
“The student and family seem obligated to down play the college the student attends,”
It’s not our business to worry about something we’ve heard, but know little about. All it does is spread word around that there is some big, awful issue or embarassmet about going to a tippy top. Those kids need to be smarter than that- and it behooves us to be, as well.
Of course it still happens, and of course there’s no reason to automatically feel the least bit sorry for someone who attends/attended Harvard. I’d feel sorry for someone who thought it was the only school to aspire to, attended, and then realized that it was somebody else’s idea of perfect - but that’s not what the OP is talking about.
People of the parent-generation may still occasionally do the “Boston” thing reflexively, and that’s not something anybody should be bothered by. (There are also people who do deliberately, as an inside joke, and if you get it, why would it bother you? Watch “30 Rock” for some of the best changes ever rung on the whole trope.)
A kid who does it now might benefit from a private reminder that unless you know for a fact that you’re talking to someone who desperately wanted to go and could not or did not, it’s a little affected (at best) to signal that way, because it suggests you think everybody will envy you. And they won’t.
And frankly, that applies to any school at all. It’s a rude and ignorant assumption to believe that what you have is what everybody else wants, and that your having it will upset them.
Sometimes, they may overthink their words, while other people overthink what they say.
Many years ago, Bruce Springsteen was criticized for choosing to live in a very expensive and exclusive area while being a champion for the working man.
(Paraphrasing from memory) He made no apologies and wasn’t running away from anyone, saying he had lived everywhere, and knew the truth that there were nice guys and ’s everywhere.
Since seeing that interview, it has proven itself over and over to me that people are mostly good, but there is always a mix of bad. Everywhere.
To OP’s point, what matters is if his friend is a good person and respectful of others, their abilities, and choices. Mincing words just makes something complicated that is not.
Harvard students and alumni tend to avoid self-identifying with Harvard or even bringing up the name for good reasons. The primary reason is simply to avoid dealing with all sorts of (unwanted and even undesirable) reactions that the name “Harvard” conjures up in people’s imaginations. People are funny in this regard. I remember listening to a Harvard graduate school admission officer speaking once many years ago. I forgot everything else she said except for one sentence. She said, “further you move away from Cambridge, you’ll find that the name Harvard carries greater weight.” In Cambridge and specifically on campus, the name Harvard doesn’t really mean much. For those folks who haven’t been to Harvard or around anyone who’s been to Harvard, the name takes on almost a mythical aura irregardless of real. That’s pretty much what the Harvard speaker was trying to convey. Amusing to think about but true nonetheless.
So, what’s that “mythical aura”? One, if you’re a Harvard student, then you must be extremely intelligent in all matters. Harvard students wanting to compete in the “Jeopardy” show do so with greater trepidation than other contestants, if they ever dare to in the first place. When they speak, they’re expected to utter eloquent sentences with higher level of vocabulary than the one that’s currently occupying the oval office.
If you are indeed a Harvard student, try to live up to THAT! You certainly don’t want to look stupid from anything from trivial to more complex on any conversational situations. You’re always on guard not to make any mistakes.
Another “mythical aura”? Harvard students will be super wealthy when they graduate, if they aren’t already. Bounteous in fame. Future senators or even presidents in the making. Makes no difference that the vast majority of them aren’t and will not be in reality. When these folks with such imagination looks at a Harvard grad, even the pupils of their eyes get dilated and glistens. Another baggage that no Harvard human-all-too-humans want to deal with.
Imagine what such mythical aura can actually play out in the work places with colleagues and employers… A whole lot safer and exceedingly convenient to work in places that are dominated by fellow Harvard graduates and other Ivy league grads. The brand name Harvard can actually work against your desire for employment in certain circumstances and situations in less “glamorous” and “power” professions. Who wants to experience being measured by a different yard stick and held to a higher level of performance assessments?
Thus, the Harvard “burden” starts off from the moment the student makes a college destination announcement on social media: “I’m going to a college in Boston.”
First world problems, for sure. For every moment of angst a Harvard student/alum might feel, it is offset many fold by opportunities garnered through the connection to the hallowed institution.
A very good friend of mine does this. I don’t feel sorry for him but I think he’s smart to do it. People absolutely have overblown reactions to the name harvard. People have overblown reactions to many of the top schools. It is in no way self aggrandizing when he says it. It simply means he doesn’t fee the need to brag about where he went to school everywhere he goes. harvard is still a big deal in many circles. I know it’s cooler on cc to pretend like all colleges and universities are the same etc etc but that’s not how most people see it out in the world.
I expect the opposite is true. The less familiar a group is with Harvard, the less likely they are to have a strong impression of the college – either positive or negative. Only a very small portion of the population is obsessed with getting in to Harvard or spends a lot of time thinking about what Harvard grads are like. If you divide the number of domestic applications by number of domestic HSs, it suggests an average of only 1-2 students per HS even applies to Harvard. I expect among HSs where there is little exposure to anyone attending Harvard-like colleges, in most cases, nobody applies to Harvard, including none of the high achieving, val/sal types.
In areas where hardly anyone applies, attends, or is an alumni; Harvard does not suddenly take on a “mythical aura.”. Instead it’s quite common for students and community at large to actually not be interested in the school and not be especially concerned about their alumni. If they hear someone is an alumni, they certainly don’t suddenly change their option and expectation to “super wealthy when they graduate, if they aren’t already. Bounteous in fame. Future senators or even presidents in the making.” I’d expect the far more common reaction is to not be particularly concerned about college name.
Not feeling sorry for this family but I can understand that they may have a good reason for it.
My D attended an 8 week summer course last year in WI. The course attracted students from various colleges across the country. During those weeks, everyone was often asked which college they were attending. She said a Yale student stopping telling people he was from Yale. He said often, other students seemed to be more interest in knowing about Yale than about him as a person.
After a while, when asked, he told them he went to school in Connecticut.
A long-time friend of my husband went to Harvard. He has had to take jobs that barely pay minimum wage to support his family when the high-tech companies where he worked hit hard times and he was laid off.
He’s unapologetically a Harvard fan and uses his harvard.edu email address.
