Sibling Fairness and Paying for College

<p>How do you handle sibling fairness when paying for college?</p>

<p>Child #1 (stellar student) was admitted to one of the top programs in the country for his particular field of interest at a private university. </p>

<p>Child #2 (not as stellar) insists we spend the same amount on her and demands we send her where ever she wants to go. She says we have "thrown her under the bus" in favor of her older sibling. She has no idea what she wants to study yet, which is not a bad thing, but does not want to go to either of our very good state universities (where she's been admitted) because we would be spending less on her. </p>

<p>What do you do when your child is keeping a score?</p>

<p>Is spending more on one child than the other fair?</p>

<p>How have you handled financial fairness in your family?</p>

<p>Child #1 had a very specific goal, and you are doing your best to support that goal.</p>

<p>Child #2 has no specific goal as of yet, so it is impossible for you to go all out in support of it.</p>

<p>One answer could be: When you do indeed know the direction in which you wish to take your life, we will do our level best to help you achieve that. Right now you don’t know what you want to do. That is OK. To help you find a goal, we will pay for a gap year/a general undergrad at an inexpensive CC or public U so that you can explore without spending down your money too fast/fill in other option here.</p>

<p>people are different, including siblings. child #1 has earned it. it seems unfair not to let him go, because his sister thinks she is entitled to the same amount of money. does child 2 want to go anywhere that happens to be more expensive? or does she just want you to spend more money to be even?
IMO, a kid getting into MIT deserves a bit more $ than one who got into, say, Ohio State.</p>

<p>I’m sorry this is happening in your family. I would feel so terribly if it happened with my kids. We always did the best we could to meet the needs and wants of each of our children as things occurred in real time. It was not always fair. My first son got his pick of colleges regardless of costs, and we made a mistake of not putting any financial constraints which we should have with him. Were we to do the same for the rest of them? Also to spend the money just in the interest of parity is insane, IMO, as one never knows when funds may be needed for truly important reasons, not just to “make up” for fairness. I’ve known families with twins, where one went to a private school, and the other to community college, since those where the choices best suited for each of them. Unless they are Siamese twins, they are not conjoined and there is no reason to do exactly for one just because one did for the other.</p>

<p>There is a thread in the Cafe about whether parents should be giving large gifts for, say weddings, when their children are married, when other children in the family may not be getting married. At what point does one have to account for complete fairness? I would spend every dime we own and more for medical options for any of our kids should such a thing happen, and we’ve been in a situation where it was a possibility (did not come to that), </p>

<p>How to handle these sort of ugly feelings is a parenting and family issue. I 'm just sorry your child feels that way.</p>

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If only the latter one really agrees with her parents.</p>

<p>In the real world, some of the children are not what you think they should behave, but some parents may choose whatever they want to do anyway, following their “principle” (e.g., the parents really do not owe their child anything), and give their child a “lecture” which could hurt this child’s feeling if the child herself/himself does not truly buy into her parents’ “principle.”</p>

<p>I knew a parent whose two children went to very different colleges just because one of them could not get into a higher tiered college. The one who had gone to the “cheaper” one still resented 30-40 years later, even when the parents, who became wealthier later, tried to remedy the situation. This is a train wreck in parenting.</p>

<p>Parents may have different ways they handle these things and that is their right. You spend the money on one kid who has a huge wedding, but maybe not for the one who chooses not to have a bigone. Or maybe you slip some differential money over anyways. My friend did not. But others have.</p>

<p>I have given my son who went to our state u, some leeway in financial help,which he has needed as a starving artist type because he did make it more possible to do so, in how much less we spent for his college as compared to the others so far. But you know, he cost us in other ways too. Do you feel compelled to spend as much on the kid who loves sports and plays primarily on rec teams and school teams and the cost is not that high as opposed to the one who is into dance and music and every little thing costs a fortune? I see that a lot in families. </p>

<p>I know a family with 12 kids. Yes, 12 of them And they spent a small fortune going to see one of them play football with a major team. They went to as many games as possible and took as many of their kids as they could. It was something they wanted to do. Doesn’t mean they visited all of their other kids at college as much. They also spent more on high school tuitions and college costs on some than on others, and weddings and grandchildren. Could you imagine the craziness in equalizing how much one spends on each one? </p>

<p>Even when they were little and they were allowed to choose a toy or something at a store, it was not all about spending the exact same amount or picking something whether one wanted anything or not just to get it. Even back then, I assured them that I would keep it in consideration for when the one who couldn’t find what he wanted then, to get something later as a possibility, if we had the money. There is always that contingency.</p>

<p>There are no easy answers. My oldest made a very economical choice and used the tuition remission benefit at my employer. She was so far under budget, when she needed a car to get to/from clinicals, we got her considerably better than the standard college junker. </p>

<p>My employer isn’t a really a good choice for the next kid, so no guaranteed tuition benefit. She can apply for it at another school, but she may not get it. So, while the oldest is at her first choice school with a really reliable car of her own and no loans, the next one may end up at whatever choice we can pay for with no car, no wiggle room for travel experiences, and loans. </p>

<p>It’s a tough time to do the “life’s not fair” lesson, but what else you gonna do? I can’t make other schools accept her exchange application. I won’t be able to provide, even help, with a car if I’ve poured everything I can spare into her education. If she were the type to keep score, there would be nothing I could do that would even things up in her eyes. All I could say is that we were doing our best to give each an education. </p>

<p>I am so sorry you are in this situation, OP.</p>

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<p>Does she not want to go to the state university because it costs less, or does she have other legitimate reasons? I can’t imagine a kid keeping track that way - usually there’s something they WANT that’s more expensive; it’s not that they DON’T want something because it’s less expensive. Is there another college that she thinks is a particularly good fit for her? I see no point in spending more for the sake of keeping things equal, but I don’t think you necessarily spend less on the less stellar student. In fact, I think it’s often the opposite - the stellar student will likely get a great education no matter where he goes; the less stellar student may need a particular learning environment that isn’t available at Big State U.</p>

<p>Do both kids have the same abilities, such that your D not a stellar student because she doesn’t put the effort in? Or does your D not have the same ability as your S? That might influence what I was willing to do.</p>

<p>All of that said, fairness in our family doesn’t mean we spend the same amount on each child, or that each child is treated the same. Things can be fair without being equal.</p>

<p>I don’t think there is one set answer.</p>

<p>I don’t like the idea of spending more on a child just cuz you think he’s smarter. </p>

<p>Personally, I think families should strive to send their kids to similar type schools unless there’s some kind of disability or something that requires special treatment…or the kids don’t care.</p>

<p>My cousin is spending big bucks for oldest child at Stanford. His second child is a good student, works hard, respectable stats, but not Stanford worthy at all. More like worthy of LMU, USD, or USF. But they won’t spend the money on him because he’s not “brilliant.” He has to commute to his local CSU. I think that’s gross. the family is essentially saying that we’re spending our money on Child #1, not you. </p>

<p>That said, if a child is being silly and purposely not doing well in school, then I would encourage them to wait until they had the maturity not to waste our money. No point in spending thousands if they’re going to party, get Fs and drop out. </p>

<p>What would you do if younger D suddenly shows ambition and genius? Are you ready to shell out the big bucks for her?</p>

<p>I think as long as you were always fair in giving them chances to be where they are, then you are being fair in what you pay for. She earned state U, which is not a bad thing. The other child earned more. </p>

<p>We face this all the time. One of our children has high grades and does Ecs and volunteer work. She also takes and passes AP exams. It has been suggested that if we are willing to pay $89 per exam for her, and other child takes no exams, he should still be given the money. No way. I have no reservations about paying higher amounts for her because I know she will actually do the work. </p>

<p>My children are not calling “no fair” but we have heard about it from others, just family members. I know if I pay for UIL or AP exams on the one, she will do it. It is not reasonable for me to just give it to the other. In fact, it would be seriously unfair if I simply handed over everything to the child who did not earn it, just because they are siblings. That would be like an employer saying he will pay the person who showed up for work, and will pay the one who did not, equally, because it just would not be fair to reward each differently. </p>

<p>Each child should have what they earned. Sounds like your first child worked hard and earned more and the second child doesn’t even know what she wants, she just expects to be handed the money for something she has not even earned.</p>

<p>I was friends with a young man who went to Harvard, and his family had to pay every cent as they did for his sister who also went there. The middle son went to a state school, and paid most of his way because he could. Found a great job during his high school summers, graduated in three years, and found a great job right out of college, whereas the two Harvard grads took some years before getting on their feet financially. Never heard a murmur about fairness. That was just the way it worked out for them. </p>

<p>But how to handle it when a child is really being venal about it, I don’t know. It hurts when one of your kids are hurting.</p>

<p>*One of our children has high grades and does Ecs and volunteer work. She also takes and passes AP exams. It has been suggested that if we are willing to pay $89 per exam for her, and other child takes no exams, he should still be given the money. No way. *</p>

<p>lol…no way is right. What next? If one child needs an operation, then the other kids get a check for the amounts of the co-payments? </p>

<p>Besides, the other child might need some paid tutoring. </p>

<p>I think the deal should be that we reward effort. The results of dedicated effort may not be the same (one dedicated child might have a 4.0/2300 SAT, and another dedicated child might have a 3.7/2000 SAT), but would any of us really say that the 2300 SAT kid deserves “more money” spent on him? </p>

<p>Heck, don’t we all know that high stats kids aren’t always more successful than "dedicated, well rounded, but not top score kids???</p>

<p>S attended a private hs (relative to us, lots of $). D chose a public one. She has a rather free-wheeling clothing allowance (clothes horse) as a result. H and I know that we might have to pay more for her college than we are for S’s. But then we spent more on his earlier ed. We will do our best to keep things as “fair” as we can.</p>

<p>If D chooses one of the cheap schools, I’m thinking she gets one heck of a prom dress. :)</p>

<p>Every family is different. That being said, if I couldn’t afford to send my kids to wherever they wanted to go to, then I would set a fixed amount I would spend on each kid, anything over and above then would need to be covered by loans. On the other hand, if I allowed my kids to go to whatever school they could get into, if one kid’s tuition is less than another for whatever reason, I wouldn’t feel it is necessary to equalize. The last thing I would do is to make my kids feel one kid is more deserving than another. </p>

<p>In our situation, our kids were able to pick any UG school they wanted to go to. D1 is not certain about graduate school yet and she is making good money. D2 is most likely going to law school and I don’t want her to graduate with a lot of loans, so we’ll probably help out. The question is what we’ll need to do for D1.</p>

<p>Put me in the “Don’t spend more money on the ‘smarter’ kids’ education” camp. All of my kids are fairly hard workers and good students. My hardest working child processes information more slowly than two of her siblings; she also lacks their advanced reasoning skills. No matter how much she practiced, she couldn’t get her SAT/ACT scores high enough for merit scholarships (except for Georgia HOPE scholarship!). We have very limited $$ to pay college costs(and 3 in at one time). My other daughter and son chose state schools where they got full rides/near full rides. Because they chose those schools we have enough to afford to send the very hard working child to a similar school. </p>

<p>They all are very supportive of each other and the situation - I am very thankful.</p>

<p>My son eschewed a pricey college for one where he got a fantastic scholarship. We gave him his college aacount money and a small monthly allowance which he promptly invested. He is graduating with a lot of money in the bank. He never had to work in college. He also got double Christmas and birthday presents for his college career! :D</p>

<p>Son 2 wants to go to the pricey school. He will have to work summers and during school. He will use up his college fund, he won’t get an allowance. </p>

<p>We will still be spending MUCH more on son 2. But son 1 knows we would have done it for him, we are grateful for his choice (it was all his, I wanted him to go pricey school) and he is benefiting from that decision. Son 2 might graduate with a little debt, no savings but a prestigious degree.</p>

<p>That’s how we worked it out.</p>

<p>We sat our kids down and explained to them exactly how much we have to put towards their college education. Each of our 3 kids will have the same amount available to them, but we cannot cover the full cost of a 4 year “sleep-away” university for any of them. Any scholarships they earn help by expanding the pool of possible schools, and any school that falls within our price range is on the table for them to consider. If they choose a school that doesn’t require us to exhaust the money we have for their undergraduate studies, they can use anything remaining for graduate school/car/etc.</p>

<p>Personally, we would never consider spending more on one child than the others. Each family has to make their own decisions, but I would never want to create an impression that one child is “worth more” to us than the others. Each of our kids has their own strengths and weaknesses, and are so much more than simply grades and test scores.</p>

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I’m sorry if this sounds a bit mean, but the child in this situation is incredibly immature to hold such a grudge for so long. I find it strange how in this culture parents have to work to please the child instead of the other way around. I’m not a supporter of tiger parenting, but there needs to be a balance.</p>

<p>I know a lot of adults, my peers who still hold grudges against their parents for some things that I feel are trivial. What can one say? My kids may do the same. They blame me for some things that I think are ridiculous and we do have some disagreements. In my case, so far, internal equity among the kids has never been an issue, but who knows, it may happen. It’s common enough. No advice on how to handle this as it really is a personal, family and parenting issue.</p>

<p>I don’t think “fairness” is strictly measured in $$$. I think you have to take a fair approach for each kid.</p>

<p>For us, we are in a situation where each child can go to any public school in the state, no questions asked. It’s been made clear to each child that anything more expensive than that requires their own money, scholarships/grants, and/or loans (no more than $20K total, and even that is discouraged.) We will not spend exactly the same on each kid, but it won’t be way out of balance either.</p>

<p>Only the oldest is in school so far. She chose a full ride at a private school, so she gets extra perks along the way, and she gets to keep the college savings fund to apply to grad school or other opportunities.</p>