<p>1) Premed or prelaw goes to state school only.
2) 4.0 + 2300 + bus/econ major get to apply to private schools.</p>
<p>i am not sure i agree with #2. i am currently facing this scenario. my older son is a HS senior (4.0/ 2300+/business). So far, he has been accepted at WashU and a few lower ranked UCs with regent scholarship. (waiting for UCB/UCLA/Columbia/Cornell/NW/Duke). I am not certain paying $250K for UG is a good investment since Berkeley is on sale at 50%</p>
<p>When we had our kids, we also agreed we would fund college for them both. We were in the financial position that we did not put any price restrictions on their college choices. I continued to work full time and my ENTIRE salary, every penny, went to pay for their undergrad college costs for eight years. This was our choice and I know not all families can do this. We did NOT tie our college financing to any particular major. One kiddo majored in music performance and the other in engineering/biology.</p>
<p>Just for the record, the music major is working in his field, while the engineer says she will never be a practicing engineer. So…even IF you insist on a major, you cannot force your kid to get a job in that field.</p>
<p>This situation actually occurred to me, but in reverse. Long ago, I was accepted to my first-choice, a Top 20 university. My parents could easily afford its COA, and refused to fill out financial aid forms. When it was time to make enrollment deposit, my parents balked, saying they “didn’t want to spend that kind of money on a girl”. It was May 1, and I belatedly applied and enrolled at a Tier 3 local university and commuted from home. I was heartbroken, and frankly very disappointed in my parents.</p>
<p>Fast forward, my younger sister, applied to same school, was accepted, enrolled, and lived on campus with her own parent-purchased car, no controversy. Was it fair? No.</p>
<p>I think parents should treat their children equally in situation as outlined by OP’s post.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>I don’t think I would have ever forgiven my parents for that unless there was some very unusual circumstance, such as the breadwinner losing his/her job right before May 1st.</p>
<p>Did your parents ever offer any kind of explanation for what they did to you? After all, if you had known ahead of time, you could have applied where your stats may have gotten you a nice merit scholarship.</p>
<p>“Never forgiven my parents”, for any of their transgressions? Mine were not perfect but did the best they could and they were not evil people. They loved,love us the best they could too. I don’t count or add up. I know there were inequities, but…they made whatever they thought was the best decisions at the time and made some bad ones.</p>
<p>I have a friend who was a top student and she was denied her college choices. Parents wanted her at a local all girls college. That was all they were willing to pay for her. Some years later,other siblings went where they pleased, yes, females too. They mellowed out and were willing to do this.</p>
<p>My husband’s uncle and aunt refused to pay for anything other than Catholic colleges and State U was a demon’s cove as far as they were concerned. I still remember them telling me how the students used drugs there and drank all of the time and fooled around. You can imagine how amazed and horrified I was to hear that. Three kids later, they were sending them to State U. Some of us are slow learners. </p>
<p>As far as my father was concerned, he felt we all had it made when it came to college because we got free tuition benefits at a state university branch campus where he had a professional association. It did not occur to him for an instant, nor to our mother, that anyone would put the nose up to that. They would have both taken such an opportunity happily and gratefully in their youth. I think, though, that by the time my youngest brother was in the college process, they got the message that we did not feel the option was the nirvana that they did. I got a full ride + to my school, and chose it because it offered close to the most money and was not a commuting choice, and my other brother went to West Point. i don’t think it even occurred to my father that one of his kids could get an appointment. He marveled at that to the last days of his life. </p>
<p>There was nothing to forgive, IMO. There was no ill intent at all.</p>
<p>My parents explained such things as my sibling was stronger than them, they were worn out and gave in. That I was more compliant and more easily “talked into” than my sibling. It took many years of counseling. And it doesn’t pay to be mad at your parents forever, it makes you bitter and unhappy. </p>
<p>Funny thing is, it’s my sibling who’s bitter and unhappy. </p>
<p>The only revenge is to parent differently. I hope I’ve succeeded.</p>
<p>A lot of folks will remortgage the house, sell a kidney and contemplate robbing the bank , and certainly raiding the pension fund to pay for a kid who gets into HPY et al, with a lot of differences as to what is included in “et al”. But they do not want to pay more than what state U costs or other less expensive options for schools that do not have the name recognition, rakings, and reputations. The three R’s of college elitism. It’s not a new thing. If something striking occurs to them, they may cough up more but they are not interested in paying $60K for their kid to go to Harbarb U that they’ve never heard of before and whose name and rep has no pizzaz, but they will pay for Harvard U and can’t write that check fast enough. That is a fact of life. Having a kid go to certain name schools is an outward sign of success and something that one can enjoy as a parent, not to mention some real advantages such top schools do have.</p>
<p>Sometimes reasons come up where the child who is least academic gets the high priced private too. I’ve mentioned before that close friends of ours, both husband and wife are very successful State U grads, who think very highly of the flagship state schools and saw no reason to pay for anything other than those. That their state school is ranked one of the best in the world on the global scale is often pointed out.</p>
<p>Well, for the first two kids, that was the way it worked,but kid #3 had some issues, and neither parent could envision him being successful at Big State U even if could get it, which was doubtful, and the other state schools just didn’t seem to be the right fit either. A small private liberal arts college was where they felt he had the best chance of becoming a college graduate, so they did cough up the funds for him to go there. I don’t think the older two are resentful at all. Maybe they are. A lot of folks resentful of their parents imperfect parenting out there.</p>
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<p>Amen. My kids say I have only one vice, and that is paying for expensive educations for my children. 
I am happy to do it, as long as they are genuinely grateful and take advantage of the opportunities they have been given. So far, so good.</p>
<p>in my family each kid (3) has an allotment; all three of us will be in school at the same time for at least two years. If we choose to go to a more expensive school we have to foot the bill; the catch is my parents “estimated” our potential earnings and showed us what we could most likely afford in loans. I am a “stellar” student (for lack of a better word) and I do not resent my parents paying equal amounts for my siblings. I know they have done their best to save and the amounts they are willing to pay are fair. In addition, my “stellarness” (it’s growing on me) has earned me Merit money which my siblings will probably be hard pressed to get so I can already afford to go to a better school…</p>
<p>My kids all want to pitch in so that the youngest will be able to go where ever he pleases. I’ve yet to detect even a whisper of animosity about who gets more, and I have not be equal. Too many varaibles. I just do the best I can at the time, under the circumstance for each kid. We av issues in this family, believe me, but this isn’t one of them, I wonder if it isn’t because there isn’t such a big deal made when I “cut the pie” to make sure each slice is the same Just cut,cut, cut, and slap the slice, what ever it happens to be on the plate.</p>
<p>We reward EFFORT. It doesn’t matter what your gpa/SAT is. Now, all we can base it on is what we randomly observe, so the student that always “appears” to be studying while the other takes obvious breaks but actually focuses while studying, can be deceiving. But since we all live in the same house, I know. </p>
<p>My feeling is that if my child has worked so hard that they have gotten admitted to their dream college–AND that school is top in its field for their intended major–it is worth stretching family finances for. My less dedicated student could even convince me that a private or OOS college is warranted, but it’d have to be one good speech (think nationally ranked speech and debate level!). ;-)</p>
<p>In reality, we have enough set aside for two private educations (but it is quickly dwindling to less than two full educations–got to love those retroactive tax changes!). The first chose an instate public (yay!), the second is TBD. If we need it, we’ll move the funds around however we need to cover tuition for both. But if we don’t use it all, they can use it on grad school, or we’ll give them each what we didn’t spend … or take everyone on a nice vacation.</p>
<p>I am finding this whole conversation very interesting. I don’t think any one way is the right one, but agree that it has to work for the family. We had 3 kids in 4 years. We had three in HS for 1 year. We now have a freshman, junior and senior. My youngest and middle are at OOS university’. One has a full tuition scholarship + some more, and the other has a 50% scholarship. They busted their butt’s in HS w/ EC’s, AP’s etc. One played sports at a National level. Other at a very high level. They put in HUGE effort in HS.</p>
<p>Oldest is not driven at all. Very laid back, not interested in working hard. Did ok in HS grade wise…barely a 2.5. Did not know what he was going to do. We told him that we would not pay for a 4 year school (he would not qualify for any scholarships), we told him that he needed to go the CC route. We could not waste money on taking a chance that he would do well once he went to college since HS was a major struggle. Also he scored a 32 on the ACT, he is bright, just choses not to work. We have a very good strong CC close by. He has been here 4 years. Changed majors twice. Did the Disney Internship for 7 months and it changed his life. Turned him around and gave him motivation. He found his niche and is going to graduate w/ his AA and is applying to 4 year schools (state) to finish is BS. We will help him as much as we can w/ the 4 year school. But again due to his choices he is not going to get any scholarships or breaks on tuition.</p>
<p>We explained to all of our kids from the time they were young that we had limited resources and that we would do the best we could based on what successes they had. Everyone one of them knew that we would support them the best that we could, but that it was an individual decision based on what was best for each of them individually. </p>
<p>I actually spend less on my youngest’s OOS tuition/boarding then I do on CC fee’s. But I don’t feel that I owe any of my kids a payoff to make it equal. They all had the same opportunities and some grabbed them and others did not.</p>
<p>We gave our kids the best education they could earn and we could afford. We never parsed financial aid offers to compare Child A’s best offer to Child B’s best offer. If we could afford what their work in grades K through 12 had earned them, it was a done deal.</p>
<p>It occurs to me that this “unfair” scenario isn’t limited to paying for college.</p>
<p>My two siblings and I have been homeschooled from preschool on up. When Little Brother hit 6th grade two years ago, my mother decided that teaching a middle school boy was too much. He attends to a local private school with a price tag of $13k/year. Could this situation be considered “unfair” to Little Sister and I? Sure. Do we feel cheated? Absolutely not. My mother is able to concentrate fully on teaching the two of us, which we love. Not to mention that the quality of our education is, by most accounts, far better than the one we would receive at Brother’s school.</p>
<p>My family has long subscribed to the philosophy that school is what you make of it. It is unlikely for everything to shake out equally when dealing with several different children with different needs and learning styles. Maybe finances aren’t the best lens through which to view fairness or equality.</p>
<p>Child#1 earned it by being admitted to the school of their choice.</p>
<p>Child#2 was admitted to a state school. If they had been admitted to the same school as their older sibling than I’m sure you would have spent the same amount as well. </p>
<p>If you’re younger child wants the same thing than they should study hard and get it. </p>
<p>My younger brother was always the smart one. He got accepted to UCLA and had the opportunity to study abroad in Japan for a year. I on the other hand did not do well but wanted the same thing. So I studied twice as hard at community college and got accepted to UCLA as well. My youngest sister did not do well either and only got accepted to CSU schools but seeing what her older brothers had done, she went to community college instead of try to get into a better school.</p>
<p>Being the oldest I felt obligated to put myself through school(since our family is not wealthy) and I’ve never had a problem with that. I worked 50 hours a week and took night classes at community college. My brother on the other hand has never worked a day in his life but I don’t blame him because he did everything right the first time around.</p>
<p>My more expensive child went first. Son got partial scholarships to a private liberal art school. Daughter got a full ride. We were willing, however to cough up at least as much money as we paid for him if we had to. To reward her for being free, she will get more spending cash, and won’t have to take a job. </p>
<p>The way I see it, they have to meet you half way, getting what they earn. That was the goal with the first child… We knew he wasn’t going to get a full scholarship, so we told him we would match any scholarship money he brought it. That is exactly what we are doing. He got a loan to cover the rest.</p>
<p>I’m going to steal from political theory here, specifically some Rawls. </p>
<p>Child #1 and child #2 had equal opportunities presented to them for them to achieve admission into top ranked schools, I assume? So they were treated equally when it came to opportunity to gain admission into college. </p>
<p>However, child #1 performed better and seemingly worked harder in their academic endeavors. It is fair for child #1 to be given more money for their education, because they took advantage of the opportunity given to them. But why shouldn’t money be allotted to both children equally? </p>
<p>Because what’s just isn’t necessarily what’s equal. For example, you have two children - one is three feet tall and the other is three and half a feet tall. You decide to take them to a baseball game, the shorter child cannot see the game because they are too short. You then pick them up and put them on your shoulders. The other child also wants to be picked up and put on your shoulders, but they can see the game without needing to be picked up. If you’re going to treat your children <em>EQUALLY</em> you should pick them both up (rotate who sits on your shoulders, perhaps). BUT if you’re going to treat your children <em>FAIRLY</em>, you will only pick ONE of them up. </p>
<p>Fair treatment does not mean equal treatment, and any conception that it does is plainly wrong. </p>
<p>Child #1 ought have the greater financial support because it’s fair them to receive it - they worked harder and were admitted to a top school in their area. They worked to get where they are. </p>
<p>Child #2, from how it seems here, has not worked as hard and has not been admitted to a top school in their area of study; in fact, they apparently do not know what they want to study. </p>
<p>Treating them equally will disadvantage child 1 and may not (in any way) advantage child 2. Treating them fairly will advantage child 1 and likely not disadvantage child 2 in any way. </p>
<p>I would say treat your children fairly, not equally. Child 2 apparently thinks that fairness means absolute equality, such a notion of fairness is completely incorrect.</p>
<p>Repeat: “College is a gift, not a right. I’m not going to treat you like your sister, and make the same sacrifices for you, when you refuse to act like your sister or make the sacrifices for excellence that your sister made.”</p>
<p>How’d I do? :D</p>
<p>With all due respect, this sounds like an issue far broader than college costs. My own parents have watched their peers become estranged from siblings after the estate of parents was divided unfairly, favoring one child over another. I’ve seen unequal treatment in my own and in my husband’s families, having to do both with education and also with weddings, cars and even selling a house to a child at a below market cost. It pits siblings against each other and harms the entire family.</p>
<p>What the child is hearing is a message that s/he is not cherished in the way that a sibling is. Sometimes the parents truly do value one sibling more than another. Sometimes the child’s hearing is distorted and the message is not intentional. The economic contributions we make to our kids is secondary to the overriding message that each is dearly loved.</p>
<p>I do not think you are entitled to a return on your dollar. If you contribute to the college education of your children, you should contribute equally, and with no strings attached. They are adults. Child #1 has created their own advantage - the advantage of attending a superior school - an advantage made possible thru their own efforts. I imagine other advantages for #1 - thru their own efforts will follow if they are as talented and motivated as you say - wonderful. For child #2 if they go to their chosen school, they may flunk out. Could happen. In that case it will be the college which will not allow them to continue. These are adults, these are their adult decisions, and they will live with the consequences.</p>