sibling rivalry issues?

Parents Forum
1

<p>DS (class of '11) and DD (class of '13) are constantly at each others throats. Of course that is no end of irritation to me and DH. Lately, I've noticed that DD seems to think she isn't going to get as much of WHATEVER as DS, although I don't see any reason for her to think this way. Just the other day she asked if we would be touring any more universities for HER search, after visiting 16 for DS (she was on 11 of those visits). I told her "sure, we have to identify some that fit you better, but you can get your 16-school-tour as well" (oh, god, what have I committed to?). </p>

<p>Anyways, not sure if she believed me or not. Anyone else having issues like this? It really seems like she thinks he is getting better treatment, but it's hard for us to see how this is true. DS is at a private hs while she is at a public one, but she chose between 4 private girl's schools and the public. We didn't make her go there.</p>

2

<p>I’ve noticed all sorts of different sibling issues cropping up at around this stage in my own family and with my friends families. I am a senior in college and my younger sister is a senior in high school. Our situation is a little different because it goes without saying in our family that you are living at home and commuting to community college your first two years no matter what you think about it, and that is what I did. But apparently sometime after I left for junior year, my first year away, my sister decided that she had been utterly persecuted by me in some way. She completely hates me-- I am sure she’ll grow out of it, but that’s where we are now, and I have to walk on eggshells whenever I am home to make sure not to cross her, and I am sure my mom makes it a point never to bring me up when she can avoid it. She’s really neurotic about it. We used to have a pretty good relationship.</p>

<p>I imagine this is some sort of very exaggerated form of something that isn’t abnormal under these circumstances. I wonder if it’s just something about this stage of life when the older sibling goes away or prepares to leave. I wonder if my sister is just feeling a little insecure as she transitions to being the oldest kid in the house and, in our case, the only child for all intents and purposes in terms of daily living in the house. Like perhaps she feels she has to assert herself into this new position and is overreacting to the change, as seventeen year olds are prone to do. Or maybe she isn’t sure how to react to the change at all. I’m not sure. In your case I wouldn’t be surprised if your D is a little jealous of the attention your S is getting, if nothing else.</p>

3

<p>My oldest is 19, the middle child is 17 and my youngest is 15. I’ve always tried to raise them so that they were not rivals as they should compete against their peers but not their own siblings. My two oldest attend the same private school, whereas my youngest attends a public for various reasons, however she does not feel that she is not receiving what she deserves as she is constantly given help, care and presents from her older siblings. The best advice I have, is to remind your children that they are here to support and encourage each other.</p>

4

<p>Kids are human and some just are not going to get along at every stage of maturity…just like adults. In their unique position they have a perfect scapegoat…us, the parents.</p>

<p>Fair does not mean equal everything. Equal caring, love, concern, determining their needs and the best way they are met, etc. What students also don’t get, nor will they for a very long time, perhaps never, is families are sometimes is a different economic position at different stages of life.</p>

<ul>
<li>When Joanie went to summer camp for a month each summer it was not a financial hardship. When it was John’s turn a difficult choice had to be made to continue contributing to college funds and forgo camp. John had a job instead, life guarding in the summer. He never wanted to go to camp, love working in the sun with his buddies. This was just something he could point a finger on his parents.</li>
</ul>

<p>-The area you lived in when Joanie was in hs did not have great hs’s and the best option was a private school. By the time it was John’s turn, you had moved, the public schools were great, and John had mild learning disability that the public hs had a great program designed to keep kids in the classroom with their peers. The private school available was upfront and said their resources were limited in this area and they could not offer this support. </p>

<p>-Joanie has gone off to a small LAC and is doing excellent, the campus is small and there is no need for a car. John stays home for two years, went to community college, so he needed a car to commute to school. He also used it when he moved on to a state university and lived off campus as a first year Junior.</p>

<p>-Joanie and John had different education, both hs and college. Every step of the way their needs were evaluated by their parents and the best judgement was made for each based on that child alone, not what the other had received, or would be receiving.</p>

<p>Fair does not equal the same.</p>

<p>If their personalities don’t mesh, just as adults don’t sometimes, every small thing we do is seen as an affront to one child or another. Right now our three, who generally get along, are on the warpath about chores. Our Sr. has been given a reprieve while getting through college apps, etc. We have a 19yo who works 28-30hrs a week…an adult living in the house who is fully capable of contributing. He is taking the semester from community college off. It’s not off my radar to think he can pick one thing a day when he has less than an 8hr shift to help, be that cleaning a bathroom (his, or the half bath), emptying trash cans, running the vacuum on the steps so my back doesn’t go out, etc. My youngest 15, has little homework, and is responsible for mowing, emptying the dishwasher, and helping wash dinner dishes with the Sr brother. The Sr. does have to clean the cave (basement) if he’s having friends over (dust, vacuum, bathroom), run a load of laundry or two…more when he’s not so swamped.
Soooo…I really don’t care if they think it’s equal…it’s fair. They will all agree that the youngest gets to do things younger, but that’s he’s pretty harmless so no one really cares. I don’t buy into the harmless part, but I’m glad it’s not an issue. Also, as all the focus is on the Sr right now with college, exciting things from where he’ll go, to mundane things like microfridges, I have reminded my 19yo…we WILL do all of this for him too, when he finishes his two years at cc and moves on to a four year university…then it will be his turn.</p>

5

<p>My daughters get along, except for the taking of each others clothes thing, of course. But the younger one feels she’s always been following in the older one’s footsteps. That means that she very much does not want to go to the older one’s college, even though it would be a perfect fit in many ways. I’m not pushing it, but I would like her to apply.</p>

6

<p>

This could very well be true. She sometimes seems to think we make a bigger fuss over his activities than we do over hers (not true of course, but it’s harder to see that from her perspective). At least now ice hockey has started up and we’ll be attending her games and such!</p>

7

<p>sylvan: right or wrong, there’s a lot of extra stuff going on for your senior that isn’t happening for your sophomore. Senior portraits, the whole college search/app process. There will be prom and graduation and the myriad of things that go on senior year. Your D will get her turn, but it’s hard at 15/16 to see that coming. I tried to keep my D2 out of as much of D1s senior stuff as was possible; she ended up only going on 2 college visits with D1 and she didn’t see the school D1 chose until D1 moved in. </p>

<p>I tried to do some separate D2 only stuff during the year so she could have some one on one time with us; DH did too. The girls never ended up really sniping at each other, but I do remember lots of eye rolls from D2 when we were deep in the minutia of senior year.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

8

<p>Have you tried acknowledging the younger sibling’s feelings? You can say something like, "A lot of younger siblings feel like the older sibling gets so much attention during the college search, and they think, ‘What about me?’ " or some such statement. If your daughter denies this, you can say something like, “Well, I didn’t say that YOU feel that way, but a lot of people do, which is perfectly understandable.” More likely, your daughter will say, “Yeah, you are right,” and this can open up a discussion during which you listen non-judgementally, do not become defensive or deny that you are giving the older son more attention, do not try to rationalize it or explain it, just reflect her feelings back, saying things like, “Yeah, that sounds like it would be frustrating”, etc… I think that if you do this you will see a noticeable change in behavior. Somehow just acknowledging that their behavior reflects these feelings causes a change in behavior because they are able to express what they are feeling, even if these feelings seem to have no rational basis to you.
Also, many times siblings do this for OUR benefit, to get attention from parents, even if it is negative attention. Kids would rather have negative attention than what they perceive as less or no attention. It is possible that when you are not around, your kids get along beautifully and are very loyal to each other.
Also, have you had any “special time” with your daughter? Plan to spend a little time with her. It does not have to be expensive; it can be as simple as going for a walk or playing a game, discussing a current issue, etc. Then, after you are done, be SURE to say, “I’m glad that we had that time together. It was really nice to spend that time with you.” or “I’m so glad that we talked about that. I really appreciate getting your perspective.” etc.
Good luck!</p>

9

<p>Very hard to address such issues as they are so dependent on the particular family dynamic, personalities, and history. </p>

<p>That said, our approach has always been to confront it directly with our kids - from the beginning. We don’t allow those kind of sentiments to fester if we know about them. I have no problem calling any one of them out on the carpet and crushing it point blank. That doesn’t mean I refuse to listen. We are not perfect parents, and knowing such, we do allow for the possibility that some issues could have merit. If so, we deal with it accordingly to make things right. Yet, most often it’s just kids being kids and showing a lack of maturity. When that’s the case, we are tough on them. We don’t let the sniping slide by. With that approach, the subject has really been a non issue.</p>

10

<p>My 2 d’s are 2 years apart. They are very close, but still do have some sibling rivalry issues. I think it’s pretty normal. But one thing I find helps is to use humor to diffuse the situation. Oldest is a junior in hs now and we have started the college search process. We were talking about schools one day and I could tell younger D was starting to feel a little left out, started saying, well would that school be good for me? etc. I turned to her and said, hey when your sister starts her freshman year of college it will be your junior year of high school, which means you get me all to yourself… Think how much one on one time we will have, just you and me!! All year, just you and me. She turned to her sister with a look of horrer and said “don’t leave me!” We all started to laugh. But, this did bring home the point in a funny way that this is her sisters time, but her turn will come and she will most certainly get the same amount of attention (if not more!).</p>

11

<p>Have you noticed your seniors having difficulty with friends they have never had issues with before. It is part of the normal separation process before they head off in different directions. Siblings are no different, they create a little separation to ease the transition from one another. They will mend, it took three months before DS admitted he missed DD and wanted to know when she was coming home for a visit. They fought terribly in the last three months before she left for college. Now they text and skype each other, all is well again. I think DS didn’t really want to go and picked arguments with her so he didn’t have to admit it. DD helped him with his Spanish homework last night via skype. Hang in there - hopefully it gets better.</p>

12

<p>This is just to help you feel happy he’s graduating and moving away.</p>

13

<p>Years ago, I read Siblings Without Rivalry. You can google that title along with Suite101 to read an article on the book (wasn’t sure about linking to suite101).</p>

<p>I hope they get along better soon!</p>

14

<p>I think that your daughter will feel different when the time comes for her to become actively involved in her own college search and she realizes that she is far more knowledgeable and comfortable with the process than her firstborn classmates – or her brother two years earlier.</p>

<p>But it’s natural for siblings to always have a subconscious awareness of whether they are getting their fair share of the pie – and right now, she isn’t. Of course, there must have also been times when she was the one who got more attention. But she isn’t thinking about that right now.</p>

<p>It might be helpful to draw attention to the fact that after her brother leaves for college, she will get a disproportionate share of the resources at home. This was something that my daughter, who is three years younger than her brother, figured out on her own, but it may not have occurred to your daughter. A hint or two might help. Maybe on one of those days when too many family members have commitments at the same time, and there aren’t enough cars or rides to go around, a casual comment about how much easier all the juggling will be when your son is away at school wouldn’t hurt.</p>

15

<p>Maybe it is just me but I can’t help noticing that she has a choice between 4 different private schools and whether getting the more than 16 visits to different colleges would be enough, I think getting the same attention that would be proportional to what her brother gets is the least of her problem. My apology if I am off base here.</p>

16

<p>

Not sure what you are trying to get at here, ttparent - can you clarify?</p>