I am a sophomore at a college that is a 3 1/2 hour drive away from home. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer a couple months into my freshman year of college. My dad and I are extremely close- I feel bad for being so far from home and I want to be with my dad during this awful time, but I love my college. I have great friends here and am in a great sorority. BUT there’s a good college in my hometown that i could transfer to and live at home. I always miss my dad while I’m at school and always wish I could be there with him, but at the same time being away is a distraction from the suffering that is going on. I get to go home once a month or twice if I’m lucky. SO do i leave the school i love to be at home with my INCREDIBLE dad in a time that could possibly be his last few years on Earth? Or do I keep this sense of normalcy by staying at the same school thats’s 3 1/2 hours away? I’m sure I can find some normalcy/distraction with the school at home, but it obviously just wouldn’t be the same. PLEASE give me your thoughts/opinions!! I am a Christian and have been praying about this decision a lot and just can’t seem to feel peace with either decision because both options have a lot of pros and cons.
I am sorry that you and your family are going through this. My father died while my brothers were in college, and he was adamant that they stay there and was distraught any time any mention was made for them to take a leave of absence or transfer to a local school while heceas undergoing medical treatment. So, there is that aspect too
It’s entirely a personal and family situation as to what is best to do. I hope it works out well for all of you.
Agree with the above. My DS lives by the adage “don’t live with regret”. That might help you decide. Sorry you are making such a choice.
I also believe that you should talk to your dad about what you are thinking. Chances are, his desires are that you stay. It’s still your choice, but you should know how he feels. Your mother may have thoughts about it too, especially if they are married and she is the caregiver.
I’m very sorry for your situation.
thank you so much. this was helpful!!
yeah i did talk to them. he told me that he doesn’t want me to have to leave my college, but he told my mom that he would LOVE for me to stay home- my mom would love the help as well. I would say im leaning towards the decision to stay home.
I am so sorry. I take it that your mom told you that’s what your Dad said? That is just so tough. It is such a personal question. No two people are alike and no relationships are alike. That being said, I would personally hate the thought that my children would have to suffer because of me. For me personally, that would be tougher to deal with than dying. I would absolutely want you to stay in your school. With calling, skype, visiting on weekends when possible, that would personally be enough for me. Or a good old fashioned letter or video. Those types of things would mean the world to me as a parent. But again, everyone is just so different and it really needs to be up to you and your Dad. My thoughts are prayers are with you.
I’m so sorry about your dad. If you love your school, though, I would hesitate to recommend a full-blown transfer right now. Go discuss your options at your current school with your advisor. You may well be able to take a leave of absence and pick up a few classes at the local school, without giving up the ability to go back and graduate from your current school. If your current school offers online sections of any classes, doing that from home could be an option. Or just take the time off, entirely, and focus on maximizing time with your dad. Then see how things are going before making a decision to transfer. No need to be hasty about giving up a school that you love; that’s what leaves-of-absence are for. All the best to you and your family.
So sorry your family is going through this. This is an extremely personal choice. I would have taken a leave of absence or transferred in a heartbeat and know my daughter would do the same. There is no wrong answer though.
^^^^ Exactly. Think about a leave of absence for one semester or a year. That way you could spend time with your family without having to try to study as well. When the leave is set to expire, you could re-evaluate whether it made best sense to go back to your original college, or to transfer to the local one.
While at home on that leave, if you wanted or needed to, you could find a part-time job, do some volunteer work in the community, or even take a continuing ed class at a local community college that doesn’t earn credit, and doesn’t award grades, but is just something fun for you.
I’m so sorry OP!
Can you take the summer to see how your dad is doing before making a final decision? We had a family member with Stage IV gastric cancer who is doing quite well after 5 years. I know that isn’t the norm, but it is possible.
I would also take a leave vs transferring. Maybe see when is the latest your college will allow you to go on leave?
I would also talk again directly to your dad about his wishes about you coming home.
Along with the leave of absence idea, if your school has a co-op program, perhaps see if you can find a co-op job close to home.
Really sorry to hear about your dad. It’s a personal decision that YOU have to make. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung cancer my senior year of college. I was home whenever possible during the semester. Nothing could ever be worse then watching a loved one deteriorate day to day, as you sit there trying to act as everything is normal. Nothing you can do that will change the outcome. Whether you are home and see your dad everyday, or you talk to him on the phone, FaceTime him everyday, LIFE GOES ON. It appears that you have a good support group around you and you are doing well in college, IMO continue on with your studies, talk to him as much as possible. Let him know you love him. He can live for a month, 6 months, 5 years or more. You being home is not going to change that. No 20 year old should have to carry that burden. If I were sick, I would NOT want my kid to leave school to come home and watch me die. I would want them to stay in school, remain motivated and get that degree. Your father will ALWAYS be with you. From the day we are born, we start dying. Some sooner then others. Thats life, as a Christian we shall all meet again.
God Bless you and your family. You and your dad will be in my prayers.
This is a very personal decision. I would regret not moving back home if I was in your position. I’m sending good thoughts your way. Stay strong.
You may even be able to cross register at the school near your home for one class and transfer that credit back
to your original university 3 hours away. Talk to your current college advisors, and get their support. I know students who came home for a year, then finished at the original further away school. Is there an easy class you can take to keep a sense of normalcy while you are home, or would you prefer a full load of classes?
I agree that discussing a leave of absence and taking a few courses online or at your local school may be a good compromise. I would definitely talk with your current school to explore the available options. I suspect they’ve had similar situations before and been able to work things out.
Another thought is to communicate regularly but for your mom to look to others for help. Can people at your house of worship help around the house? Can other relatives give your mom respite? Can her friends make her food? You don’t have to be the only support system for her.
I agree…talk to the Dean of Students at your school for options.
Finish out this semester strong and spend lots of time with your Dad this summer.
@webudiddy I am sorry you are dealing with this. Coincidentally, shortly after I started grad school (3.5 hours’ drive away from home), my mother was diagnosed with an advanced cancer and was told she had only a few months to live. We talked and she urged me to go ahead with my plans. I drove home every weekend and spend my winter and summer breaks at home. Fortunately, she outlived her prognosis by a couple of years but did not live to see me finish my degree.
I am not advising you to follow this path because every situation is different. I agree that another frank discussion with your father may be in order. He may be emotionally invested in having you graduate from the college you currently attend. Or he may be putting up a brave front and be trying to think about your wellbeing first. He may feel uncomfortable about you witnessing him decline. Or he may be feeling mixed emotions that are constantly fluctuating according to how he is feeling in any given day.
I would not rush to a decision. Make inquiries about your options with your current school about alternatives, including on-line classes and any accommodations that are available (for example if you have a scholarship and need to take a minimum number of credits). If tuition insurance is offered by your school, you may want to enroll. Spend the summer at home and by July or August, you will have a better sense of your dad’s emotional and physical condition and how quickly it might be changing and how you both are feeling. With that in place, I imagine that your choice will become much clearer to you.
I wish you and your family the best as you move forward.
Prayers for your dad, your mom, and yourself.
A leave might be a good idea.