Given the time of year, I think it is time to revive this wise phrase for both students and parents. Everyone has worked hard to find just the right schools to apply to and which one to attend. All will be making their choice public soon. Please tell your stories of how you handled the 2nd guessers and doubters so that others can gain confidence in doing the same.
So this is what inspired this thread: A dear friend that knows my DD20 well has an an UG and grad degree from two well known, expensive, and hard to gain admission to schools. I have been using smile and nod with her for quite a while as she would not have cast quite as wide of a net as my DD20 has. It has been a bit awkward a couple of times but nothing worrisome. Recently however her comments were more pointed about the quality of the schools and their athletic teams and I smiled (stiffly), nodded and left an event a bit earlier than I normally would. Other friends witnessed this. We have all been together since and it was better, so I think there may have been discussion in my defense after I left. However, I may need more than smile and nod between now and the end of grad party season to avoid more of the same. Please help!
I’m not saying take my advice - I come from a family where words are not minced. I might smile and nod the first time but then I’d be asking “What’s your problem? I think you’re being obnoxious.”
Play dumb: “I’m sorry - I don’t understand what you mean.” Make her defend or explain her comments - you’ll find people back down when forced to explain what they mean.
I wasn’t good at “smile and nod” when we were going through it. We got a ton of push back from family about D’s choice not to apply to the family alma mater. Academically she was competitive but it was a terrible fit for her and we supported her decision not to apply. Others told us all the time she was selling herself short. I ended up sending the data on engineering rankings, coop opportunities, etc… people finally came around when we stuck our ground and shut up.
I find that I’m trying to use smile and nod more myself as some of the same people say things like “Amherst, that’s a good match.” Um, have you looked at the acceptance rate??? Or the folks who think their ok student athlete is going to get recruited by JHU. I try to educate on the realities once and then shut up. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I find that having some way to move the conversation along is best, rather than getting engaged providing backup or reasons. For me, this is done with tone, maybe some self deprecating humor, and body language. For example, my kids go out of state (far out of state) which is unusual here, and when I get some sort of comment I would say something like “yeah, they can’t wait to get far away from me!” smile, shrug, with body language that says “wrapping up that topic!” Or some sort of generic topic like “yeah, so different from when we were choosing schools, isn’t it?” and again, moving-along body language such as breaking eye contact, shifting posture, stuff like that.
Thanks for your suggestions! My DD20 has shared some similarly awkward conversation with schoolmates, mostly underclassmen, but I know there is at least 1 friend that she is uncomfortable about. Looking for creative responses for her to use as well. Thus far I have suggested, “Some choose the less worn path…,”
This may be an advantage to those attending boarding schools as there is far less interaction among boarding school parents.
Maybe one approach would be to purchase clothing items from the local community college for the entire family. If another parent approaches & asks, then answer by asking: “Do you know of a better school ?” After all, nosey parents really just want to brag about their kid & this gives them an opening to do so.
Responses:
-Why do you ask?
-That’s my decision, but thanks for weighing in.
-You’re not the only one who’s given me input!
-Decision has been made.
-I love [school]! Can’t wait to get there.
-It’s perfect for me.
-It’s great that there’s a good-fit college for everyone.
-Thanks for your input.
I am so much better at eye rolling than smile and nod anyway.
I live in a conservative town where most of my friends are republicans. Most were born and raised and have family in this town or within 30 miles from here. And Berkeley is associated with crazy liberals, NOT with the number of Nobel prizes or great academic institution. So when we told people where she goes, we usually get the " ah you are liberal" type of comments (It’s well known in our circle of friends that we are not republican). Once someone said something like we would have to move out of town if our daughter comes back as a hippy. Some asked if she joined the protesters (they think the campus is full of protesters and the students have nothing better to do than just hang around with other protesters). A mom asked “what about JHU? Didn’t she want to be a doctor?” as if going to JHU is guaranteed to get to med school there, in fact it’s the opposite.
People can be so ignorant - but then again they probably feel comfortable enough with us that they can say whatever and we are not upset with them.
I find most of the parents at DD’s school are pretty supportive. It’s folks who have no recent experience witnessing or participating in the admissions process that are apt to be more critical.
My parents can’t understand why we consider some public flagships a reach and why we are taking their granddaughter on tours of colleges they have never heard of. They still believe Harvard has a 30% acceptance rate. Fortunately they aren’t really rude about it, and they do understand that times have changed, even if they don’t know or understand the details.
We didn’t talk about the college application process with most folks. If asked, we politely said our kid would be sharing their matriculation decision after May 1.
Repeat as often as needed.
Of people persisted with their questioning…we would excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom.
LOL – I like that approach. It’s a surprise! The big reveal is coming soon!
I’m not good at the ‘smile and nod.’ I’d defend the choices my kids made by saying how much we loved the schools, and that they were getting HUGE scholarships. If the naysayers insisted on claiming XX school was better, I’d just ask them where to send the bill. My brother is still complaining that my daughter didn’t go to Smith (it’s been 6 years and he’s still talking about it) but he wasn’t offering the $$$ to pay for it (and my daughter didn’t like it at all).
I saw a presentation by someone associated with CTCL and she said to have three facts handy about the school if it’s one that nobody, and she meant literally nobody, has heard of. It could be great study abroad program, maybe a really strong dept, percentage that get PHds or attend grad schools, freshman participating in research etc… She said that usually works.
Try using “thank you for thinking of our kid, but we’ve done extensive research, and are familiar with all the information that we needed, and made our decision based on what we and our kid believe is the best choice for her, and are not interested in any more input right now. If we wish to know more about the school you mentioned, we’ll be sure to ask”.
We preempted unsolicited and annoying advice by having my wife jokingly complain about how much work I had put into researching colleges and college acceptance (I think that “doing another PhD” was sometimes mentioned), a claim I would not deny (partly because it was true). It then became difficult for anybody to provide “advice” without seeming to imply that I was really bad at research.
However, this strategy is not a good idea if you do not feel like provide the advice which is then invariably requested.
Although many of the prepared responses read nicely, it is important to be kind & respectful to other parents.
In my opinion, it is better to give a brief respectful response & then listen.
We’re from the southeast and typically when people ask where my D attends college, I usually say “a small school north of NYC” because most haven’t heard of Vassar. Many cannot imagine why she would have chosen it over our state flagship. Now when people ask what she’ll do with an English degree, even though I’m not sure and am a bit worried about it, I just say, “She’ll figure it out”. I’m thankful for the education she is receiving but most in my area aren’t really on board with the whole liberal arts education thing.
@Cheeringsection - maybe one response your daughter could use is “Wouldn’t life be so boring if everyone went to the same type of college?”.
I’ve been struck by how many Texans have never heard of very fine colleges outside of Texas. Everyone knows the the T20 and the big sports universities, but many do not know much beyond that.
After having my first go through the process, I’m always quick to step in and support any family going through the process.