<p>I am for the let the student handle it approach , also. Mom and dad stay out would be my suggestion . I would like to point out an interesting difference in "tone" in this thread, whether intentional or not. It appears some are more concerned with enforcing a zero tolerance stance against tobacco smoking (usually a city ordinance, maybe a state law in some states) than they are of an under 21 drinking or smoking pot in the dorm. Or am I just mis-reading that?</p>
<p>I wouldnt be for smoking anything in the dorm-whether it be pot or tobacco
However- I am under the assumption that 18 year olds are adults- it is legal for them to smoke tobacco- it isn't legal for pot or alcohol- but as long as they don't impact others with their personal behavior- I don't care so much
( puking in the hall way- asking someone to carry your illegal drugs- that impacts others- doing something that really bothers someone but they don't feel they can talk to you about it- that is a problem)</p>
<p>It isn't even so much that it is against school policy to smoke in dorms- when you are living with people- you have to get along- things come up- and not dealing with minor things- sets a bad precedent. If you give people impression it doesn't bother you when it does- you are being untruthful and giving them reason to beleive that even bigger things won't bother you either.</p>
<p>I know it is hard to keep issues clear- freshmen have not usually lived with others besides family members.</p>
<p>BUt our family- used to have weekly meetings- ( we really should again) good to have a safe place to bring things up where they can be heard-in a more formal situation than around the dinner table.
A group of people living together- sharing the same space- is a family, and it is still pretty early in their common experience- its not like they have been married for 10 years and one of them finally says that "they hate"______" and never do it again please."
If they are planning on living together next year as well- it is really good to have a place to raise concerns- HAs RAs whatever they call them- do have training to help students deal with these issues</p>
<p>It is your son's decision whether or not to continue bonding and rooming with a smoker. Mom, you need to stay out of the situation, except to express your concern which you have already done.</p>
<p>This issue your son's college experience, not yours!</p>
<p>Thanks for the input. Just to clarify further, my concern is primarily about 2nd hand smoke that may continue over a long period. I am not raising this because of the potential influence a smoker may have on my son's behavior. As others have noted, he'll be exposed to lots of behaviors and of course has been all along.
Wisteria, you seem to understand the circumstances...I have to hope that by discussing this with my son, he might consider taking this up with the other suitemates even at this belated point. I just know that my son does not like to "rock the boat", and he is so happy with the way their group interacts--he will hate to risk disrupting that.</p>
<p>Anyone who lives near a college campus where there has been a fatal fire in a dorm, frat, or student apartment fire (and there have been several in the last few years in various parts of the country) is probably especially sensitive to the issue of fire hazards. I am one of those people. </p>
<p>As it happens, I neither smoke nor drink; I simply don't especially enjoy either activity. But I think drinking in moderation is fine for people who enjoy it, as long as they don't drive after drinking. Some people like the taste of beer; many savor the various differences among wines. I think smoking has no parallel acceptable level. To me, tobacco is basically a poison to the smoker and to those around the smoker. As I have noted on previous posts, I wish there were not so much drinking in college; it is illegal and foolish. But given a choice between a roommate coming home drunk and one puffing away near the window, I guess I would choose the drunk. So, yes, to my surprise, I guess I am among those who may have sounded more permissive about one vice than the other. For me, ice cream was and always will be the best college indulgence (especially when made and sold at the ag school ice cream department's own shop):)</p>
<p>I know the roommate is probably too young to be having regrets for his youthful foolishness, but is there any indication that the guy would like to quit smoking? If so, this could be a win-win. The roommates could provide the smoker with encouragement, support, and perhaps chip in for nicotine patches or gum to help wean him off the cigarettes. It could be a group effort.</p>
<p>This way there would be no second hand smoke or fire danger to worry about, and the bonds within the group could grow stronger rather than be threatened.</p>
<p>If the kid is going to go to ANY parties or bars in college, he is going to encounter cigarette smoke at virtually all of them. This is much more of a hazard than a roommate smoking by a window. The bar or party is the equivalent of 50 cigarette's second hand smoke, as opposed to the occassional cig that the roomie would smoke going out the window anyways. So this concern is WAAAY overblown.</p>
<p>How did a smoker get assigned to a suite with 3 nonsmokers? Don't they screen for those things? Kids really need to do something, but parents should butt out (pun intended). What are you going to do when his wife smokes?</p>
<p>NJres: I don't think they screen for smokers since smoking is "absolutely prohibited in the dorms". And if his wife smokes, I will be even more unhappy than I am now.
And Joev, if it was just "an occasional cig", I wouldn't have started this thread in the first place (read "heavy" smoker in original post).
And Mattmom, we must have been born under the same star: I preferred the homemade icecream made near campus to all that other stuff!!</p>
<p>Donemom. However you deal with this it is a fact that second hand smoke is not just your general annoying teenage rule-breaking habit. It has serious health consequences. To me, helicoptering, over-involvement, etc etc etc pale in comparison to a real health threat. You could just tell your son you forbid him only one thing in life. He is not allowed to die before you so he has to find a way to get this guy to stop smoking in the room.</p>
<p>Alumother, Thank you for your supportive words! I may just quote you!</p>
<p>Permission granted. No copyright whatsoever. The phrase was invented in some parental flurry when trying to describe to a headstrong nine year old daughter WHY she could never never never ride in a car where the grown up asked her to double up in seat belts. Seriously, you do have my full support for any unpopularity you have to shoulder for this.</p>
<p><em>throws salt over shoulder to avert the evil eye</em></p>
<p>"Thanks for the input. Just to clarify further, my concern is primarily about 2nd hand smoke that may continue over a long period. "</p>
<p>I empathize with you since I hate second hand smoke, have never let anyone (including my mom) smoke in my house, and my best friend has lung cancer (probably gotten from secondhand smoke since she doesn't smoke).</p>
<p>At the same time, I think that your son is an adult and needs to make his decision about how to handle the situation. Other than tell him your concerns about secondhand smoke, there's nothing else that I recommend that you do.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, there's also a chance that your son is not telling you the entire story. For instance, he may be smoking cigarettes or pot himself even if in high school he was totally against such things. That could be a reason why he has such a lack of concern about his roommate's smoking. Your son also could be spending a lot of time with a girlfriend who smokes (or may be spending a lot of time -- overnights-- in the room of a girlfriend who does NOT smoke). Much as we'd like to be able to keep our kids away from problems like secondhand smoke, we don't have that kind of power.</p>