So depressed in college it actually hurts, help

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>The same or nearly the same thread was posted several times over the course of a few weeks, which is against the rules. I have merged these threads together, which is why you will see several similar answers from the same member and why the flow might seem a bit off. - FC, moderator</p>

<p>I'm a freshman at a big public state school. Not huge but it's on the bigger side. I've always been pretty different for my age because I've gone through so many circumstances in my life that have made me much more mature than most people my age, plus I'm eccentric, and I'm really deep. My psychiatrist told me that I'm the kind of person who only connects with very certain people that are hard to find and I also don't get along with many people my age. But there are of course people my age who I connect with they're just hard to find. So my main struggle is not finding my place here because I haven't found those people who I click with. I do have friends though. But they're not what I'm looking for. I'm an introvert but I'm pretty outgoing. I've noticed people actually seem to like me and that's why I have friends on my floor who I got to parties with and include me in everything. And I've met a lot of people who have tried to hang out with me again. But I feel like I'm just getting a slap in the face on reality which is that most people my age aren't that mature and are mostly into the trivial things in life that I can't stand. I thought college would be much better than high school but it honestly doesn't feel like much of a change. And sadly I've been here close to two months and I still haven't found a single person who I feel a connection to. The reason why I'm so hopeless is because I do a lot out of my dorm that puts me in a position to meet many people. I really did put myself out there and stepped out of my comfort zone. I attended many different organizations before I decided on one I especially like. I go to parties a lot which I know isn't the best way to meet people but I mean it can happen. I've gone to different resident halls and hung out with different people. I always make sure I get people's numbers and if I like someone a bit I attempt to see them again. I attend review sessions for one of my classes every week. I go to study centers. I see a counselor every week now and started group therapy. But even my counselor said I am very different and he rarely meets people like me or people who he feels I could have a connection with. So it's not that I'm being picky or closed minded I'm really just that kind of person who only connects to certain people. I wish I weren't but I am. Even though I have friends here who like me and include me in everything, they don't make me happy even after I've gotten closer to them and we've opened up a lot to each other. It's not that I don't like them but you can like someone and not connect to them. I just know they're not who I'm looking for and I'm scared I'll never find it. I don't want to transfer and start all over again because I could get the same results. I'm scared I'm gonna run out of time and before I know it college will be over and I still won't have found who I'm looking for. What I value most in life are strong friendships with people who I have a genuine connection with who make me happy. I'm so depressed and scared I don't know what to do anymore. I've done so much to put myself out there and I've tried so hard but I've gotten nothing. Please help me I can't go on like this.</p>

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<p>I can tell you as an adult who is somewhat unusual, I consider it hugely lucky to meet one person I click with per year…some years I meet none, and some I meet 2 or 3. :slight_smile: The good news is that by the time you are about 50, you will hopefully have 20-30 people you do click with. You just have to keep putting yourself into situations where you meet them. Also…sometimes you need to spend more time with people to get past the veneer to figure out what is really there. That also takes time. You might meet them as you take more advances classes, if you get to know people better in clubs and activities, or though other acquaintances (roommates, people from your high school at the same college, etc.) You also have to be willing to take people “where you find them”. They might be professors, grad students, younger students as you get further along in your college career, or the barista at the coffee shop. Don’t be limited by age or station in life as you look to connect with people. I know it seems kind of rugged right now, but they ARE out there. Just keep working on it, and don’t assume you will meet a whole bunch of them in the short term.</p>

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<p>I know it wouldn’t be quick but I still want to meet people I could be close with at least sometime this semester so I don’t transfer. I want to have fun in college and be happy since I’ve never been genuinely happy my whole life. it’s hard to meet people in classes since they’re big lecture classes and everyone just sits in the same place everyday and now I’ve just been going to one club I picked out of all the ones I tried and it’s small but I definitely haven’t found anyone in there. I just want to at least find like two people sometime this semester but I don’t how I will if I won’t I’m clubs and classes. </p>

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<p>Do you have a campus job? Have you mixed up your study locations? Started or joined study groups in your classes? Been to professor or TA office hours? Maybe try another club? Look into volunteer opportunities through campus or the community? I will say, I never met anyone in a large lecture class (but maybe if you have section with a TA once or twice a week, you might be able to meet someone there). Assuming you are not connecting in your dorm, look into other housing options next year. Does your university have theme houses or cooperative housing? Both are good ways to meet interesting people.</p>

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<p>Yeah I started studying in the library and I don’t know of any study groups though. I attend a small review session for bio twice a week but I actually dislike the girls in there. I’ve tried several clubs. I’ve met people from other dorms. I’ve done do much and I’ve gotten nothing out of it. I feel so lost. </p>

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<p>Heh, you sound a bit like me. The best you can do is keep trying and never give up hope that you’ll find some great friends. Chances are you’ll meet them when you least expect it, in a place or a situation you wouldn’t otherwise think could lead to such friendship. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the time you spend with your other friends, the ones that include you in parties. </p>

<p>We can’t place the root of our happiness in someone else. We are social creatures, but people come and go and the burden of keeping someone else happy can be tough. Focus on your studies and your favorite hobbies and keep putting yourself out there when you can to meet new people. It’s only been a month…which may seem like a lifetime to you now, but you will be able to handle it. I’m sure you still have people you care for in your life: old friends, family. Keep those communications open and build upon the relationships. </p>

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<p>Look for some of the more independent or unique people on campus. Might they be in theater, arts, media, etc.? Might they do things like extreme kite flying? Are you in the boonies or a big city, as that might dictate some of your options for connecting to people? It’s been only a month. It can take a while. Hang in there. </p>

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<p>It takes more than three weeks to find them. Why not concentrate on school work?</p>

<p>And you can search for previous posts from similar “mature-minded” freshmen. They all complain about the lack of maturity in the general student population, but apparently don’t read much of CC to see what kind of immature shenanigans are common at colleges.</p>

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<p>This is the sixth thread like this you’ve posted. Do you honestly expect the answers to change? We can’t magically make a group of friends appear for you. Either lower your standards or be lonely… we can’t fix your problems over the internet.</p>

<p>It sounds like you’re on the right track already. Keep looking for people, keep hanging out with the people on your floor (who seem to think of you as a friend, even if it’s not mutual?), keep going to counseling. Maybe get tested for depression/anxiety, in case that’s a factor in all this.</p>

<p>If all else fails, take on a ton of credits next semester and keep yourself busy with school and studying. If you’re overwhelmed enough it might distract you from the loneliness.</p>

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<p>@failure622 very unnecessarily rude. he doesn’t have to “lower his standards” because that isn’t the problem. his standards aren’t high. he explicitly said he likes them just doesn’t feel a connection. not everyone can form personal bonds with just anyone, so please be respectful.</p>

<p>@kurtcobain28 sorry but there’s not much you can do besides wait for those few people to come along, which they most likely will. at a school of at least 15,000 if its a big state school, you’ll come across at least one. good luck and dont do anything drastic like drop out or something because there’s nothing you can do about it. i wish you the best!</p>

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<p>@banquo Thank you for not being rude like @failure622‌ and @failure622 it’s funny because professionals who counsel me have told me I can’t lower my standards in relationships or I’ll never be happy. So you don’t seem too smart do you. If I hang out with people who aren’t what I’m looking for then I won’t be happy. Is it that hard to put that together? I keep asking in times of stress. If you are annoyed by me asking a lot then don’t answer. This is an website I turn to when I want to hear opinions from a ton of different people who I don’t know. I don’t expect the same people to be answering my questions repeatedly since there are many people on this site but I guess you felt the need to answer and be rude. Feel good about yourself? No I’m not a moron who expects people online to make what I want magically appear but thanks for pointing that out like an ■■■■■■■. I’m simply on here looking for help since I clearly haven’t been satisfied with the help I’ve received before and I felt overwhelmed again. There is need for you to bother me with your rudeness. And yes I do have severe mental health issues that play a role so I also get affected by this more than other people which you cannot even begin to understand unless you suffer to the extent I do which you have no idea. So next time you see me ask a question like this because there may be a next time, keep what I’ve said in mind and do me the honor in not replying.</p>

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<p>What do you mean by “mature,” “deep,” and “the trivial things in life”?</p>

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<p>@kurtcobain28
There IS a lot you can do. However, I will address the friends issue first.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are putting in the effort to look for friends, but are looking in the wrong places. Let me make some suggestions. First of all, there is hope. This is the first time I have used this word on College Confidential, so if I say this, it really means something, but I “guarantee” you that if you go to a big state school there are people who you have something in common with. I am not promising there are a lot. I am not promising that they are easy to find, but there are people who are deep at your school. </p>

<p>Although I was not at the point you are at right now, there were times where I was discouraged that I did not meet more mature people at times. However, I realized later that I was not looking in the right places. Ironically, I now tutor the SAT and am someone who relates really well to high school students (maybe I’m less mature now, I don’t know, lol).</p>

<p>Here is why I think you have had trouble and here is how I think you can find what you are looking for:</p>

<p>• The places you are looking are perfect and are awesome places to start. However, they are just the starting point because, as you’ve said, most people do not have your interests. That means you will have to look at some niche options within your school and even at nearby schools.</p>

<p>• You may be saying “but there ARE no clubs for people with my interests.” However, maybe you are defining your interests too narrowly. Even if your interests are incredibly obscure, say 16th century French history, (and they might even have that, and if they don’t, start it!). I’m reasonably certain that any large state school has something that will suit you. However, do not go to the student union building and give up if you do not see your exact interest. If that was your interest, then you would find people who would share your intellectual interests in the (I don’t know their names at your school):

  • history students association (I don’t think they’ll exclude you if it’s not your major), the a
  • any organization for art history students
  • any organization for students who are learning French </p>

<ul>
<li><p>Go on Facebook and find some people at your school or in the surrounding area. If your interests are that obscure, that person will probably be as glad to find you as you are to find them. Search based on interests, area, and ages.</p></li>
<li><p>I know you said this about friends, but I would recommend that it is even easier to find people to date who have the same interests (compared with my Facebook idea) if you go to eHarmony, okcupid, or match.com it’s easy (especially on the last two to find people who have the same interests are the same age, etc.) Again, I know you were not looking for that, but in my experience, it’s sometimes easier to find people who have the same interests on there. Plus, if you have a significant other who shares your intellectual interests and depth, it will be easier to</p></li>
<li><p>If you want to get more specific with your interests, I/we can help you think of some ideas. I understand if your interests are so obscure that you do not want to risk your anonymity, so you are welcome to PM me if you want. Also, get a little more specific, as one of the other posters mentioned, about what would be someone who is deep (we may all have different images of who that person is).</p></li>
</ul>

<p>@failure622 – If you cannot show any compassion for people who are having these kinds of problems, then why did you look at this thread or respond to it in the first place? This person did not call you at 2 am and wake you up asking for answers. If you think this person did, perhaps you have your own psychological issues that you would like to explore. Start a threat about it and most of the people on here will be far kinder than you were. If you don’t like the question someone has, don’t answer it, it’s a voluntary exchange. If you want to be brutally harsh with people chance people for Ivy Leagues, but this is neither the time nor the place.</p>

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<p>Hang out with the student journalists (especially the newspaper reporters and editors and the documentarians). Also, slam poets. </p>

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<p>It seems to me that maybe you should be asking this advice from the professionals who counsel you, and not from some no-name “not too smart” people on the internet… They will surely be able to tell you more than we ever can. </p>

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<p>@anonymityyy, maybe YOU are “not too smart”. Can’t say that about a lot of the other CCers, there is quite a bit of common sense and experience out here. </p>

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<p>@anonymityyy – He’s not asking us for to be his psychologist, he is asking how to make friends in college. Whether or not one has a doctorate is probably not going to affect the quality of advice they can give on this subject. It is as @intparent said “common sense and experience.” Also, if you read his post, he DID ask his therapist about it.</p>