It’s impressive, in a different sort of way, that she was asked to document the emergency. What that suggests to me is that, had she just told the truth and said she messed up on the interview time, she would have been told something to the effect of : too bad so sad! Really. Asking for paperwork for missing an RA interview? She may have saved herself lots of annoyance by missing it. Makes me wonder what’s going on in that office, or with the person who handled that conversation.
I’d hang tough - shoot an email that says something like: “There’s no paperwork -nobody died or had a heart transplant. And that is really all I feel comfortable sharing with you. When you get a chance, please let me know if you would like to follow up in any way or if you prefer to just eliminate me from contention.”
Between that and the 1st post, I think the bee isn’t in the interviewer’s bonnet…
Whether the OP is talking about Research or Resident Assistant, I’m sure there are countless applications. Being late would’ve been an easy enough reason to strike a candidate since people are looking for reasons to make their decision easier.
IMO, the interviewer was being kind. If there really was a family emergency, perhaps they didn’t want to hold it against her and were willing to give her another chance if that was the truth.
The position is gone. I would just let it go and not make anything worse.
I seriously wouldn’t want to work somewhere where they would react like that. Asking for documentation of a family emergency? Either believe the excuse or not, but most legit “family emergencies” are not documented even if they really did take place. They have every right to not interview her; they have every right to not hire her. But documentation of a personal issue is ridiculous.
I was late by 5 or 10 minutes to tutor a child the other day because my youngest D needed to tell me in detail about her first ever student teaching observation and how her cooperating teacher was cold and stone faced, etc. etc.
I stayed on the line and listened and recalled my own similar new-teacher experiences to calm her down. No it wasn’t anything to document. No medical emergency. But I chose to be late because I prioritized my D’s feelings over being prompt. And yes, that was a “family emergency” in my book.
Admitting the lie isn’t going to get you anywhere. People tell white lies all of the time. And they are not always believed. Doesn’t mean she’ll get the job or that she even deserves it, but I would certainly just move on and consider myself lucky not to be working in that environment.
Three persons in my group have lost a parent within the last ~6 month. Each one of them missed about a week from work. In each case we’ve sent flowers and signed a sympathy card, but it did not occur to anyone to ask for documentation. If we did ask, I am sure they would produce documentation without any problems, and would immediately start looking for a new job. Fortunately, we know better than that…
Sounds like a terrible place/person to work with, but once the hole was dug, I would have told mine to take it all the way and have fun with it. If he wants personal information, here it is. “I’m sorry, it really wasn’t a family emergency, it was my own emergency, I was on my way over here and I got my period. Sorry I should have said that the first time.” Then just wait out that awkward silence. I think messing people back can be very entertaining. Maybe not a parent of the year moment, but I also think he overstepped it.
Or maybe he just deals with so many excuses, he just calls everyone on them. But I would never admit to straight up dishonesty for many reasons, rather, I would just continue to be dishonest. There’s some irony in there somewhere.
Agree. The only caveat is if the person you are pushing back against has some continuing relationship with you or they know you in some other way. In that case, caution is the better part of valor. I don’t believe in being mean but there are times when sticking to your guns makes sense even if you are in the wrong. The OP and the OP’s daughter lied. They could have chosen to be honest but they did not. The person asking the OP’s daughter to validate the excuse isn’t wrong in any way so maybe she doesn’t deserve to be taught a lesson or whatever you want to call it.
Still, it amazes me why so people are so easily pushed around. Sometimes you’ve got to own it even if you are wrong. Stand up for yourself. Don’t apologize more than once and only apologize if you mean it sincerely and once you do move on. The best advice has already been given … the job is gone. Do not beg, no not grovel, do not confess, move on and learn from your mistake.
Lying in this case is the OP’s D’s scarlet letter. She goofed up but rather than be ashamed of it be proud of it. Live life 110 miles an hour and you will have less regrets. I doubt most people here would agree and that is fine. Afraid of this, afraid of that, OMG what if there is a wall of shame, what if they fire me, what if they kick me out of school, what if they alert the FBI, what if the feds get involved, OMG what if there is an audit and I didn’t document my excuse and back up my files, OMG I am so scared! I am sure it is safe in that quiet cautious apologetic comfort they live in.
@GoNoles85, there is a happy medium. There’s no shame in goofing up sometimes. I hate lying, but humans lie sometimes in panic and that is understandable, if regrettable. But lying about your lying to cover up? Being proud of lying? If there IS a wall of shame, that should be included. The only thing to be proud of is having the guts to come clean. You seem to think a life of lying to get your way is admirable, and admire others who do it… That’s the coward’s way. Sorry. Usually I’m flexible, but not here.
I think it is perfectly reasonable for the office to ask for documentation. In most cases, if there is a family emergency going on, a call would have been made before the interview appointment to tell them, rather than after. I am sure it seemed fishy to them.
Honestly, why on earth would anyone cover up a simple mistake with the time of the interview? This happens all the time. This was just plain bad judgment, sorry. And a parent telling a kid to lie in this situation is not exactly modeling ethical behavior. Sorry but you know that’s true. The end does not justify the means.
The job is gone. But I am a minority of one here in that I think you should provide a note fessing up, that your daughter can give to the office. I think this will make you feel better and it will help her, even if the job is not going to happen. You can say that you were in the middle of a momentary crisis yourself, and advised your daughter to tell them she missed the appointment due to a family emergency- but don’t make it sound like your crisis was the reason she missed the appointment, only that it was the reason for your misguided advice.
Your daughter can write that she missed the appointment because she had the time mixed up and decided to follow your advice.
She will not get the job and one hopes that there is no disciplinary action, but confronting this mistake will be beneficial in the long run for your daughter in ways that cannot be quantified.
The original error was yours, but she could have decided not to follow your advice.
I don’t want to cause you to beat yourself up more than you already are, but I do think taking these actions will help you feel better as well.
No. I don’t think the OP’s D should dig the hole deeper. I’m just saying don’t lose sleep over it and don’t spend much effort accomodating the person who claimed she needed information about the emergency to validate it. Oh, please.
Don’t be quick to judge me or anyone else based on what they post online. This whole thread reminds me of what happened to my youngest son once at an away football camp. He was in 10th grade, second year in high school down here, and the whole football team goes out of town to mini-camp where they bond and learn football and whatever. No parents. Just coaches and players and hitting and sweating. So, the first night there two defense players climb up in the rafters and crawl around. I am not sure why. They end up falling through the roof and causing property damage. They make it back to their room right around the time the coaches wake up.
The coaches are not happy. They go room to room interrogating everyone. By now, word has spread about what happened and who did it. The players in my son’s room decide to lie to protect their teammates because they don’t want to lose keep players for the up coming season. Keep in mind, my son never left his bed and the other players in the room are seniors and star players and way bigger and tougher than my son. The coach comes in and asks them if they knew what happened and who did it. One of the players in my son’s room goes with the lie… My son speaks up. He tells the coach that isn’t what happened. He tells the head coach the truth. The guilty players get sent home and suspended for a few games and have to pay for the damage. The star running back, who was going to lie, and who happens to be one of the kids in my son’s room, tells the rest of the team that no one better touch my son after he told the truth to get back at him.
Both of my son’s are like that and something similar happened with my older boy one time when he and a car full of friends got stopped by the cops. My wife is dead honest also. Me? Sure, I might fib now and then but I have a set of values and ethics don’t be mistaken.
As others have said, any sort of confession could make the situation worse. I think she responds politely that she was decided to withdrawal her application. I know you want to fix it, but you “taking the fall” doesnt really help her or improve her chances for being hired RA.
Withdrawal is an option but is basically an admission of guilt.
I would be less concerned with the job itself and more concerned with my daughter’s moral development and my role in it. Making amends goes some distance with that, cleans the slate for the future so to speak.
I don’t mean to be on a high horse, I really don’t. But this story is troubling, and frustrating because the lie was so unnecessary.
You know it is troubling because you cannot sleep! I would try to actively heal this for yourself and your daughter, and talking to the school would help with that in my opinion. This time, be a good role model for your kid, as you clearly want to be going forward.
I am sorry but I have to chime in again. Regarding losing sleep, if the OP said that at some point in this thread and now people are suggesting he or she fess up and ask his D to admit to the lie. I think the OP also said he did have some sort of hospital visit also. Now, let’s put 2 and 2 together.
Some folks, and I am not being critical, just being honest, some folks do not manage stress well. So any advice along the lines of admit the lie because you will feel better is going down the wrong road in my humble opinion.
No. Let it go. The job is gone. Learn from it. Try to manage life decisions and stress better moving forward. Do not even take a chance on getting her expelled. The chances of that might be small but whatever they are do not risk it because that would really screw things up and it doesn’t sound like the OP and his D could handle that.
You will feel better when you stop worrying about it. What is done is done. It is time to move on. Just my humble opinion. Life is full of ups and downs. If you worry about every mistake you are a too fragile in my opinion. You’ve got to be tougher than that. This is not a Hollywood movie. No one is going to pat you on the back for having admitted the lie and now you are all cleansed. It doesn’t work like that.
I think the OP cannot sleep because his bad advice may have inadvertently ruined D’s chances for getting a job, but not because she lied. Plus, the OP did have a medical emergency, so technically it was not a lie. Earnestly, this thread makes me wonder how many posters have never ever lied in their life, especially being in a panic mode, and how many have always admitted that they lied afterwords 8-|
In other words, you will feel better when you stop allowing other people to hurt you and/or have power over you. The hiring people called your bluff. But they do not need to validate anything so tell them or stick it or refuse to comply in a polite way. Just because they say they need to validate something does not mean they really do. Stand up for yourself. You will feel better when you stop being a victim and having regrets. Let it go. You made a mistake. Okay. The sun will come up tomorrow right on schedule. Put the violin down. Learn from it and move on.
I’m at an IRS meeting today for VITA volunteers. The trainers, IRS EE’s, are telling everyone about the standards of conduct required of the volunteers. That is fine. There are a bunch of tick tack rules about how a VITA site is run. One of the rules is you must have certain paperwork on file at the site and if you get audited and the paperwork is not present, according to the trainers, the whole site is shut down. That is ridiculous. We have 25 people volunteering there time so the rule should be a bit more flexible. I am not saying the paperwork isn’t needed, although all it does is validate people passed the certification test, which is all that matters, but the over the top reaction and threat of having the site shut down makes me want to stand up, in the middle of the meeting, and tell the IRS EE’s to stick it. They should be thanking us for volunteering and going through the training NOT threatening us because some meaningless papers are not on file!!!
But the IRS EE’s are just cogs in the machine and don’t have the sense to realize that and whomever is forcing them to do what they do doesn’t have much sense either. My point is … this is an example of when pushing back is justified just like when the people asked the OP’s D to validate her excuse. Oh, hell no.
I also don’t believe telling the truth is always the best policy. How many people have made up excuses when they didn’t want to go to a party, couldn’t go to work, about someone’s awful haircut/outfit. Let it go. Telling truth in this case is not going free the daughter.
IMO, her best shot would have been to call the interviewer at 10:15, not a parent. She was only 15 minutes late at that point. Instead, she chose to email (impersonal IMO, especially for this kind of job) with an excuse. Yes, she followed your advice, but she was the one who didn’t pay enough attention to when her interview time was and it was ultimately up to her to make a judgment call on what to do and how to handle it once she realized her mistake. Part of being an RA is the ability to make good judgment calls in a split second if necessary. You can’t call a parent every time something comes up, and excuses like this are exactly what she would be expected to see through as an RA.
I would agree that maybe she’s not ready for this kind of responsibility right now, but there’s nothing terrible about that. And remember that how YOU handle this is setting an example for your D in how to handle disappointments. So mad at yourself you can’t function? I don’t think beating yourself up like this is the example you want to set unless you want to make some therapists rich down the line. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. I know it’s disappointing, but chalk it up to a good lesson learned that may pay off later in life when it matters more.
Try not to tarnish your daughter’s future any more, aha. Don’t do anything else, please.
I agree that if she didn’t know how to deal with a situation as simple as forgetting the time and didn’t own up to her mistake, she might not be a great RA when it comes to more serious matters.
We’re all human and we all make mistakes. I know it’s disappointing, but chalk it up to a good lesson learned that may pay off later in life when it matters more.