I recently had to take a whole day off for an interview. It was something that had to be done very quickly. I had few options. I could say I was sick or I was staying home for a home repair, but in both of those cases people would expect me to be online to reply to emails. If I was sick then I would also have to sound sick next day when I returned to work, unless I had a 24 hr flu. My boss and colleagues would certainly have been suspicious if I were to just take a day off with short notice and didn’t have a good excuse. So I told people my mother was sick and I had to take her to a doctor (sorry mom).
On the other hand, if my employee was partying the night before and couldn’t make it to work the next day, I would prefer a made up excuse rather than telling me the truth. Of course if an employee were to call in with last minute PTO too often and it effected his/her work then I would have a discussion with the employee. I rather not have TMI.
^ ha. Yes, I’ve had people who overshared about their medical issues, and it is truly uncomfortable. Dude, just tell me you have a stomach ache; the details are unnecessary.
I once had a boss I did not care for, snide, supercilious, etc. My father had been ill, and I made frequent trips to see him, a few hour flight away, and sometimes the trip would take one day longer than the weekend (e.g., I’d take the Friday or Monday off). I was always in touch with the office, and it was IT work with very capable direct reports (who knew of my father’s illness and took pains to not let anything fall on the floor), so it didn’t adversely affect the company.
After one weekend, I returned to the office an extra day late. I went to my office and my boss poked his head in the door, and with maximum sneer and dripping with insinuation, asked how my father was. I should be ashamed of enjoying his discomfort, but I’m not, when I told him that my father had died that weekend. It was a rough time, but at least I had shut up the insufferable twit.
@droppedit Truly, nothing I said nor anything anybody else said is optimal. There is no ideal solution once the initial mistake is made. And I can’t tell you EXACTLY what would happen in my family, were a comparable mistake to occur. This is all guesswork, talking it out. Live and learn.
I stick with the suggestion to say, flatly, I’m not discussing this further. If pressed, I’m not going to discuss it further. Could the interviewer read into the body reaction? Goodness gracious - what if there HAD been a family emergency that the student did not want to discuss? Wouldn’t you expect non-voluntary facial and body reactions to being pressed? If the interviewer is going to get into the business of interpreting those responses…well…then I repeat my initial observation that this person may not be someone the student wants to work with anyway.
We could go on and on. I just wish the family the best. Life is one big never ending lesson. For all of us. Onward and upward.
@mathmom “I’ve had remarkably good luck with apologies. I’ve missed more than a few appointments with clients over the past year. Usually because I somehow put them into the wrong week of my calendar. Or I forget to push save. Or I write the info on a piece of paper and then forget to find my computer or phone and enter it.”
Curiouser and curiouser. I thought everyone agreed that the right thing to do about the missed interview was to apologize rather than to lie about it. This is what OP wrote in his first post (as well as the thread title). It’s pretty safe to assume that every poster has missed some appointments over his/her life and apologized about it - this is a no-brainer. This discussion was about whether to fess up and apologize after lying (which was obviously a bad decision). Perhaps you meant to say that you had remarkably good luck with apologies for lying about missed appointments. However, based on your post #64, I assume this was not the case since you felt terrible for so long after you lied (and apologizing would presumably make you feel better). Sorry if I missed the point of both posts, but I find the logic difficult to follow.
No I don’t lie about my stupidity. Yes, most people thought of course it would have been better to tell the truth in the first place, but a remarkable number of people seemed to think that having lied, they should double down on the lie.
The few times I’ve lied, I haven’t been able to live with myself afterwards. I once broke a car mirror and didn’t leave a note. I still periodically wish I could go back and fix that. And it’s been twenty years at least.
I would have embellished the lie…“My sister was hysterical because her boyfriend broke up with her and I had to talk her through it. I am really sorry and I understand if you won’t reschedule. I apologize for wasting your time…” They would have though she had great RA skills…The tangled web we weave lol…
@mathmom . I think you are too harsh on yourself. Missing an appointment is not stupidity - perhaps a bad judgement, and sometimes a bad luck. But of course apologizing is always the most ethical, as well the most practical solution. Most people are not very good at lying - this is a difficult skill. I can totally see how braking someone’s car mirror can make one feel guilty for a very long time. In OP daughter’s case, she did not harm anyone, but herself, so hopefully she will learn a lesson, but won’t feel terrible for so many years. She has already punished herself hard enough. Btw, I agree with the posters who stated that her actions prove that this was not the right job for her.
This thread wasn’t just about lying. Some people read this thread, went into histrionics about dishonesty and how they never do it and the OP’s daughter is not fit to be an RA, as if we can judge people so easily and off of one event, maybe we can ship everyone who lies off to an island so they don’t taint the rest of us, but this thread was also about being able to deal with a mistake in a productive way. Not getting bogged down by it.
I think a few months ago I heard on the news the number of people in this country that need to medicate themselves just to get a full night’s sleep. These are people that can’t deal with situations well IMHO. They get so worked up they lose sleep over it. That is sad and in most cases you do not needs pharma products you need to learn to deal with life better. That isn’t the polly correct answer but that is what a good friend would tell you when he or she is cutting through the BS and getting right to the point.
I too sympathize with both OP and the student. We all make mistakes, and we learn and live with them. I’m not judging the student, but pointing out that RA can be a stressful position requiring judgment, maturity, and discretion. The RA may be the first point of contact for drug overdose, alcohol poisoning, unwanted pregnancy, suicidal students, and sexual assault. Given the student’s reaction to this minor issue, it would seem wise to reassess whether that job is really appropriate at this time.
@GoNoles85, Hmmm. I think I was among the first, if not the first, to say that OP’s DD was not ready to be an RA. Fwiw, I don’t apologize for making that snap judgment “so easily and off one event.” That said, I don’t think I went into histrionics, but perhaps you were referring to someone else. When you make strong statements, it would be helpful if you identified who you’re aiming at.
I don’t medicate myself to go to sleep, but you sound a bit like someone who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
I am responding specifically to post 15. NO, it would not be better for you to show up and take the hit for her.
My H and D were both RA’s in their day. They are not looking for kids who turn to their parents for advice before trying to figure things out on their own and they are definitely not looking for people who panic under pressure. If your D was unable, at this point in her life, to calmly figure out how to deal with being late for an appointment - and it seems that being truthful didn’t occur to her - she may not be ready at this point in time to be an RA. My suggestion is that she withdraw her application and maybe try again next year.
They are looking for people who are reliable and responsible and who are calm under pressure. I have told my D’s story before on CC. One night, in her first year as an RA, she was off but stayed on campus because it was cold and snowy. In the middle of the night, she got a phone call directing her to look out the window. A half naked boy was lying in the snow. She grabbed blankets, called campus security on the way down and had the boy out of the snow and wrapped in blankets before help arrived. She didn’t panic, she didn’t call me first to ask what to do, she just reacted and acted. That is what they are looking for.
For what it’s worth - over 130 students applied for RA positions when my D did and less than 30 were chosen, so the odds are generally not that great to begin with at most schools.
I am sorry that you and your D learned an expensive lesson but, hopefully, she will grow from this experience.
As for the documentation issue, my belief is that it is not inappropriate to ask for some proof. There are people who go blithely through life making stuff up (and the brain fungus post had me laughing out loud) and others who are as honest as the day is long. I think that an employer or a school has the right to ask for documentation. At my job, if I am out sick for longer than 3 days, I need a doctor’s note. It doesn’t have to have a diagnosis, but it does have to say that I was seen and wasn’t able to work. I think that’s fair. Otherwise, you have people lying about their 18th dead grandparent and negatively impacting others.
I went to school one day and when I came home my Mom met me at the door asking, “WHERE WERE YOU??” I’d been at school all day. I told her I’d been at school all day. She said, “No you were not. The attendance office called; you were marked absent today. I covered for you.” She told them I was sick. BUT I WAS THERE. It was a mistake by the attendance office.
I’m not sure what my point is other than sometimes parents seem to help or try to be helpful in ways that can do more harm than good. But surely they’re well-meaning?
Of course an employer has the right to ask where a missing EE was because the ER is paying the EE and there is a business relationship there. The same with a school calling a parent to ask where a minor (under 18) age child is. No problem. Not inappropriate at all. And the interviewer has the “right” to ask for validation/documentation about the excuse and the interviewee has the “right” to decline such a request. It is not the interviewer’s job to police all forms of dishonesty and no if the interviewer doesn’t police dishonesty it does not mean everyone will start lying.
I get your point.
I am not arguing just clarifying.
I don’t like to be lied to either and, it turns out, as part of my job, I have to verify things. I find that most people are honest but in certain situations, like around test time, honesty gets stretched a little by a minority of students (about 10%). So, you set the policy. You miss the test you get a zero unless for reasons beyond your control you had to miss the test and you furnish verifiable proof of those reasons within a week to be allowed to take a makeup exam at the end of the session. With that policy in place lying goes down to nearly zero. One time a student said he had to miss an exam to help his mom move to a different city. Nope. He didn’t have to do that during the time we were testing. It was a lie and flimsy one at that.
I don’t think anyone is questioning that the OP wanted to be helpful and that having his D become an RA would, in all likelihood, have been beneficial financially to his entire family. I think the issue is with resorting to lying about something as a response of first resort.
My point, and I think that of other posters, is that a student who isn’t yet capable of thinking quickly and solving a relatively simple problem without resorting to a) seeking parental advice and/or b) lying is probably not a suitable candidate for an RA position.
I dont think that the issue is whether or not the student lied to cover their mistake. That is a separate issue and one that can be debated with both sides making strong arguments. Yes, lying is mostly wrong. Yes, people lie all the time for a wide range of reasons–some good, some not.
But to me, the real issue is that the student had to ask their parent what to do. Whether they made the decision to come up with a false excuse or whether they decided to confess their confusion–that choice should have been made by the student alone.
Not that my daughters don’t seek my advice. They do. And sometimes that shows me that they still have some growing up to do. So I agree with those who say that the parent shouldn’t be wracked with guilt–the D shouldn’t have come to them for a solution to begin with and shows she is not ready for an RA position.
The fact that the OP’s D called him for advice on what to do simply because she was going to be 15 minutes late for an interview astonishes me. No way is she ready to be an RA. That is something I’d expect of a tween, not a 20 yr old.
The fact that the OP told her to lie also astonishes me. I think that the OP needs to have a talk with his D and admit that what he did was really wrong. At best, he could explain that his judgment was off because of his medical situation, and that this was never the course of action she should pursue.
I think she should just quietly withdraw her application for this year.