So, it is not the end.....

College Majors Theater/Drama Majors
1

<p>I have been reading your posts -- Moms, Dads, kids. Haunting you and remembering. It has been four years since I went through what all of you are going through right now. I remember the joy, and the tears. My daughter did not get into her first choice. She did not even get into her second or third choice. In hindsight, I realize we shot kinda high. We did not listen to all the sage advice on these pages. I did not realize how lucky she was to be able to choose from UCLA, CalArts, CCM, Emerson, UCI and UCSB. At the time it seemed unspeakable that she did not get into NYU. We won't even talk about CMU. But time heals all pain and she went to UCLA and threw herself into the program. It was a great program for her, as it turned out, and we learned that you get in where you are supposed to be. I also learned, as a parent of an actor, that this first step... this admission process... is only the first part of the "thickening." What comes next will be harder. Not getting the role you wanted in a play at college, or even sometimes getting cast at all. The sharp comments in class, most often from peers. Now we have moved into the next phase of the real world. The endless auditions. My daughter likens it to the seven stages of grief. She says she is working herself to that final stage when she goes to the auditions not because she cares anymore what the people at the table think... but once more, simply for her... because she wants to be there and to do this thing she loves. She is not quite there yet. But she is "thickening." </p>

<p>I think in every profession, there is a "thickening" and the stages of rejection that come with it. I remember the first time the partner yelled at me at the law firm. I went home that night and cried. I thought I would never be a good lawyer, could never figure it all out. About a year later, that same partner and I would finish each other's sentences. I still tell young attorneys about him, and say I learned everything I know from him. </p>

<p>This rejection process from the schools... it is hard. It is part of an ongoing process that will continue. But, like my daughter, you have to decide it is not real. Those people behind the table are not what it is about. You need to go through your seven stages of grief and get back to doing this because of you.. Because you are artists. Because you love it. Nothing more.</p>

<p>I am a lawyer because I love to win.
You are an artist because you love to create.
Don't let a bunch of people sitting behind a table stop you. Ever.</p>

2

<p>Loved this so much. This mom really appreciated this. THANK YOU.</p>

3

<p>Wonderful post, Chrissy–thank you–I have learned a lot from reading your posts over the last two years, so thank you for that, too.</p>

4

<p>Loved this, chrissyblu :slight_smile: I read most of your posts when you were going through the process and they helped me so much! Thank you for the inspiring words.</p>

5

<p>Great to see you posting again, Chrissyblu. All the best to your daughter and you.</p>

6

<p>Chrissyblu: Thank you!!!</p>

7

<p>Thank you so much for this. </p>

<p>Sent from my iPhone using CC</p>

8

<p>Very helpful . . . for both parent and child.</p>

9

<p>Thank you so much Chrissyblu…well said!</p>

10

<p>Chrissy - I, too, hung on your posts a couple of years ago when my D was applying. I have always appreciated your perspective and support.</p>

<p>This was a wonderful message. I might send it to my D! I think you have really nailed what happens next, how that is the “real” experience, not this crazy surreal wrinkle.</p>

<p>I really appreciate how you describe the not-so-wonderful moments in a theatre program. Yes, there will be criticism, competition and some good, hard, long looks in the mirror. Maybe you have found your “family,” but in families sometimes the friction hurts the most. </p>

<p>I loved the “thickening” idea - I see that happening in my D. She is forced to ask herself every day what she is doing, why she is doing it, how she is going to do it, and who she is. And it’s not because someone else really wants to know - it’s because SHE needs to know, in order to go out there and live her life.</p>

<p>The only thing I would question in what you said is whether your D “shot too high.” First of all, she got some terrific acceptances, so clearly she had wonderful qualities and a great audition, so who could have predicted? And second, don’t you think the rejections (whether deserved or arbitrary) were part of her learning process, to move on to the next phase? She would be a different person if she had gotten in everywhere she applied.</p>

<p>Also, while yes, there are “slightly less selective” schools, we really can’t say that CMU and NYU are the “hardest” to get into - we’re seeing such varied and fit-based audition results this year that I’d say that your D might have been rejected by her favorites, but not in definition by her highest reaches. I know you’re OK with all of this, especially by now; I’m just saying it for the next crowd coming in.</p>

11

<p>Chrissy, does your daughter have regrets? Is she still happy she pursued this path? I doubt that I could talk my son out of pursuing acting, but sometimes I feel guilty, knowing how hard it’s going to be for him when he gets out. When I got out of college, I knew I could find a job at a newspaper somewhere (that’s not true today, though).</p>

12

<p>Thank you thank you thank you. What wise words, almost wish I was a lawyer so I could make this my mantra to my kids!!! I read this out loud to my daughter(she is a sophomore in a BFA acting program) and will read it to my son (soon to be freshman somewhere, again, for a BFA in acting). </p>

<p>True words.</p>

13

<p>I appreciate your thoughts Chrissyblu, especially your comments about ‘toughening’. I don’t understand your comparison to the seven stages of grief though (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance). Do you mean the process of becoming a performer is like a grieving process? That has a negative connotation to me. Everything we do in life has ups and downs, any path that we take has twists and turns and times that knock us on our butts. I don’t think any of us can know what’s ahead. Growing up is a process, regardless of what we choose to do for a living. We can work hard, do our best, make our plans and then let go, because we have no control of the outcome. It’s the concept of the journey, the process rather than the product. And the old cliche about “life is what happens while you are making other plans”. Ya gotta be flexible. :)</p>

14

<p>I think the seven stages apply more to the rejection process than to being an actor in general. I certainly have seen some of that - and it’s different for everyone, of course, just as it is in grief. I think the important thing is getting to “acceptance” (isn’t it funny how it’s the same word as in college admissions?). The journey is everything, folks. Anyone who has experience in the arts will say that those moments of joy, when you “make it,” are very fleeting and in no way sustaining. It’s always about the next step, the next project, the next idea. If people don’t fundamentally enjoy that - they probably should stay away from this life work.</p>

15

<p>“the journey is everything” should be the words we all live by in all aspects of our lives.</p>

16

<p>Okay Emmy. The grieving process comment was with her current auditioning experiences right now though. How she goes through that before she goes in and when she is there she is at ‘acceptance’. Processing disappointment or rejection in that way makes sense. The steps in handling a “loss” or a disappointing life change is how I think of those seven stages. It’s interesting that you are saying that it’s all about the next thing. I am not sure that’s such a healthy way to live your life. It also seems like if you are always thinking of the next thing, you aren’t in the moment, present for what you are doing on stage, in the job you have at that time. Doing good work does require you to be in the moment I think right? Yes, you will need to be planning and scheduling so that you can stay lucrative, (eat, pay rent etc) but it would be a bummer to live your whole life always thinking of the next thing and not enjoying today. This career path seems like it will always be a struggle for balance huh?</p>

17

<p>EmmyBet - wow, this really hit home!</p>

<p>“Anyone who has experience in the arts will say that those moments of joy, when you “make it,” are very fleeting and in no way sustaining.”</p>

<p>My S has talked about this a few times, as it pertains to high school casting. He always feels bad for the younger kids who just look at a play or musical and see a part they want because they think it is a lead or has the best song or whatever. They get the part and are elated, but after a day or two, they are panicking because they never thought of the work that is involved or how hard the part is and they struggle. He always says for him, it isn’t the part, it’s the challenge. He sounds like an old guy sometimes!</p>

<p>I know there will be lots of tales to be told as my son grows his thick skin. He’s a pretty upbeat kid, but I know he’s in for a bit of a shock, but learning how to get criticized and how to improve is actually the learning of the craft, no?</p>

18

<p>Some advice that we’ve received from my D’s coach is that you have an wall up to everyone in this business except for the people that have earned their way into your inner circle. That doesn’t mean you can’t be nice and genuine to your auditioners, choreographers, audience members, or well-meaning friends or relatives. But what they say good or bad, does not penetrate that wall unless you have psychologically let that person in. This advice to my D came in VERY handy yesterday when a teacher at school overstepped her bounds. I was pretty livid about what happened, but my D said, “calm down mom! She isn’t in my inner circle. What she said doesn’t matter. She is outside.” A few months ago, that encounter would have eaten at her, not anymore. My baby is growing up :)</p>

19

<p>Nice post Marbleheader. I think a sign of a real acting kid is they look at a play for the character that is a fit for them and interesting and challenging to play.</p>

20

<p>MH… that is exactly the way my S looks at acting. He just loves the challenge of learning acting. He is also a very happy go lucky, positive kid, and will audition sometimes just for the learning experience he gets every time he does it. I have never seen him down or upset when he doesn’t get a call back or favorite part. He just goes head first into the challenge of understanding the part that he does get. I think his personality is well suited for acting, but we will see how he deals with all of this next year.</p>