So Scared of Leaving Home for College

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am about to be a freshman up at Univ of Penn, but right now I am feeling so sad since I have just been thinking for this past week about how far it is from home (9 hours). I know there should be a reason I chose to go there instead of some closer schools in NC/SC (part of the reason was that I wanted to take a risk, test/challenge myself, and it's a great opportunity, etc.) but my mind keeps looking back and these days it's like I've been wishing I had done something else but I just don't know what! I'm so scared right now about the whole change to college, especially since I'm very very close to my parents and my little sister. I won't be able to come home for breaks that often, maybe just Christmas, Spring, and Summer, maybe Thanksgiving, but I'm so worried about the whole transition to being on my own. </p>

<p>I know that I'm 18 and it's time for me to grow up, but I am just asking the parents on CC for any advice and what I should be thinking in my mind right now. I'm thinking too much! Like, did your sons/daughters have this problem, and how did they cope with it? Did homesickness just go away after a while (meeting new friends, joining college events). Also, isn't it better that I'm 9 hours away so that I can't go home that often and homesickness will be easier dealt with? I can't even think of transferring since it'll be such a big disappointment, but I need to make this work. I am praying that after I move in, things will be easier after a while and I'll be laughing at myself for being like this right now :(</p>

2

<p>I didn’t have this problem in college but when I started my first job after graduation it was tough. I was excited to start, knew I could do the job but there was so much to learn in such a short time in a new environment that for a while I hated it. It really was jumping in feet first. Ended up loving it. Fast forward a couple years–we moved and I got to start a new job all over again–the work wasn’t new but the environment was. I knew enough to realize by then that no matter all my jitters and anxieties that they would go away after a few weeks. I just needed to chill a bit and not make any judgments about the workplace (or anything really new) too quickly before giving it some time. Just because you don’t like something at first doesn’t mean you won’t like it in the long run. Sometimes you have to grow into your situation.
As to your family, Skype is the answer! It sure saves us from missing each other!</p>

3

<p>If you haven’t done so already, be sure you and your family each have Skype on your computers.
Many kids are nervous. My D went 1200 miles away and she was scared, too. It turned out fine.</p>

<p>Good Luck! Penn is a great school.</p>

4

<p>I think you are going to do fine once you get there. When you settle into your dorm and make friends, your day-to-day life will be so busy with classes and activities that the time will fly. Many college kids come to view their campuses as their “home” after only a short time.</p>

<p>Also, I think you are right that the distance is a good thing. Some kids who only go a short way from home don’t fully acclimate to college because they still have one foot in their “old” lives. This won’t be the case for you. And I guarantee you will quickly meet a few kids with southern accents. :slight_smile: It’s not a completely foreign place.</p>

<p>My son just started at a school 13 hours away and he was a lot like you–really close to his parents and younger sister, with a large network of friends (a lot of whom are staying in our town and attending the university here). Since he has been there I have barely heard from him–he has been so busy, and fully immersing himself in everything. </p>

<p>Try to avoid long stretches of time alone if that is when you start to feel homesick, and remember it’s OK to take a while to adjust. Also, as others have said, there is always Skype (and of course the phone) if you need a “fix.” Good luck!</p>

5

<p>What you’re feeling now is completely normal. It is a big change. I went to school 16 hours away (but in my head it was only a two-hour plane ride); I put that right out of my mind the second my parents left me there and dove right into college life. So don’t dwell on the distance. The other thing – I went to an info session at UPenn a couple of years ago. Oh my God. You have so much to look forward to. The opportunities there are amazing. THIS is what you should think about.</p>

<p>And Skype or videochat on Facebook is amazing. I couldn’t believe how connected I felt to my DD when she studied abroad… and that was on the other side of the ocean.</p>

<p>In a nutshell, your feelings are valid (not that you need anyone to validate them for you), but focus on the positives – there are so many!</p>

6

<p>Thanks so much for all of your encouraging messages! I will do my best to stay busy and meet new friends, though the first few weeks may be especially rough. I just need to stop thinking too much about the past and past decisions though. And like you said, I guess it’s just me being scared of the big change - my feelings are like on and off. Also, since sister is going to start kindergarten this year, i guess it’s a change for all of us. It’s nice to know there are others like me and they are doing fine</p>

7

<p>My daughter left 12 days ago. For the last two weeks before she went to school, she became very quiet and said on several occasions “I’m not going. I don’t want to go.” Etc. She is also very close to us and was questioning her decision. She went 6 hours away. </p>

<p>She was still a little sullen after we moved her in, but once she had time alone with her roommate and a chance to make new friends, it was all good. In fact, by 24 hours after we left, she was texting “I LOVE college!”</p>

<p>As I said, it’s been 12 days and she is very happy, has become acclimated, and is experiencing the excitement of being surrounded by kids her age, having quirky professors, navigating her campus, meal plan, shared suite/shower, and being truly independent.</p>

<p>I think you will feel so much better once you are there. I agree that your homesickness should be helped by the fact of you knowing you can’t go home except on breaks. If you really focus on making new friends, participating in all the new student activities, checking out the student organizations, becoming fully engaged in your classes, you should be fine. </p>

<p>Remember, your family is really proud and happy for you and wants you to be happy in your new surroundings. They will miss you too, but will be really excited to hear all the stories you will have to share about your new life. Good luck!!</p>

8

<p>Our younger daughter got very quiet the week before she went off to college. She told me that she was kind of worried and scared. This is the kid who has gone away every summer and moved to a foreign country her junior year. It has been a week, she is very happy, but tired (doing too much :slight_smile: ). She is 4 hours away, but it wouldn’t different if she was 9 hours away. We’ll only see her on breaks. Before she left for college, she asked if we would go up to see her on Labor day. She hasn’t said anything since she left :(. </p>

<p>What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Keep an open mind about what you are going to experience, new friends, environment, classes. It is going to be a great adventure.</p>

9

<p>I think in the end it is better that you’re going to school farther away. Being able to go home frequently would just draw it out. You’re absolutely right about that.</p>

<p>I want to send you hugs. It’s completely understandable that you’re anxious about this – nothing unusual about that at all. </p>

<p>Yes, it’s very likely that the homesickness will go away, probably rather quickly. But while you have it, it’s tough. So spend the rest of your time at home formulating a concrete game plan to minimize it.</p>

<p>Are there any on-campus activities or groups you’re interested in? Do some in-depth research on the college website now, and send out emails to the organizers/convenors/coaches/chairpeople – to anything you’re even vaguely interested in: “When is your first meeting?” (or “Do you have any information you can send me now?” or “Should I bring any special gear?”).</p>

<p>Email the Residence Office to ask for details about your room: “How much drawer space will I have?” or “Which floor am I on?” or “How many laundry machines are there?” or “Is there a kitchen on my floor?” Anything you can think of that you don’t already know.</p>

<p>If you know your major, email the department head or a friendly-looking professor (check the faculty photos on the website) and ask if there’s any reading you can do before you get there. If you’re interested in study-abroad at some point, email that office and ask for info.</p>

<p>Join the facebook page of your incoming class. Tell folks what you’re interested in, and see who responds. Make a date to get together with them once you’re all there.</p>

<p>If you’ve already made contact with your future roommate, PM or email them. You can talk about the room, or about what kinds of things you’re interested in. You can begin talking about a Roommate Agreement (quiet hours, for example, or closet-sharing). And then you can just casually say that now that the time is close, you’re getting a little nervous. I bet they’re feeling the same way. And you’ll know you’re not alone and that someone you know is in the same boat.</p>

<p>See the common theme? You’re reaching out to the people who will be part of your future. By doing so, they become less of a faceless crowd, and more of a “someone I know.” You’re getting a head start on making those connections which will lead to your feeling at home. And you will feel at home, sooner than you think. :slight_smile: It just takes a little effort and a little time.</p>

10

<p>Thank you all, I really appreciate it and these posts help a lot. I’m going to reach out, and try to be a part of all the hall activities / school activities for freshmen that I can fit, and I won’t stay in my room for long time doing work (probably find some other ppl to study with or do work a public study hall). hoping my mindset/thinking will change soon and be stable, because i dont like feeling so nervous/sad haha</p>

11

<p>One important thing to remember is that you are going into an environment where there is an immense amount of support for newcomers. It’s not like being 25 and moving to a different city for a new job. There will be advisors of all sorts. Help is there for the asking.</p>

<p>You also may find that you don’t miss your family as much as you anticipated. In fact, they may miss you a lot more than you miss them. That’s because their mental picture of home includes you, but your mental picture of college does not include them. You don’t expect them to be there, so the fact that they’re not there won’t seem abnormal.</p>

<p>I do think, though, that you might want to give some special attention to the issue of keeping in touch with your little sister. She’s very young – too young for Facebook or e-mails. Someone mentioned Skype – that might be a good idea. Or maybe a scheduled phone call every week would be nice.</p>

12

<p>I have a feeling you’re going to be just fine. Which isn’t to say that the next few weeks won’t be emotional – they will be. But it won’t last forever (or probably even for very long), and you’re going to get through it. You’re already planning to do the most important thing: Getting out of your room to do things and meet people. That’s really the whole secret. The sooner you’re engaged in your new surroundings, the sooner you’ll begin to feel at home. </p>

<p>Here’s a simple strategy which my D used to make connections in the beginning: From the very first day, she’d take a book out into a public spot (a novel, so that it was clear she wasn’t studying and was open to interruptions). She’d just sit and read for a while. Not every time, but sometimes a few people would say Hi as they passed. Sometimes, someone would stop and chat for a minute. Occasionally, someone would sit down and talk for a bit. One day, someone said they were on the way to dinner, and did she want to come with? Out of that dinner came an invite to a campus event. Within a week, she’d met the people who are now her best friends.</p>

<p>The key is to read in very public places with a lot of traffic: the main lounge of the dorm, a bench on the quad, the coffee shop, the student union, etc. You’re “out there” which is how you meet lots of people – which is how you start finding a group of friends – which is the end of homesickness.</p>

13

<p>Sometimes you have to remind yourself to live in the moment and appreciate it for what it is. Don’t spend time now “anticipating” missing your family and being homesick. Enjoy the days you have left at home, and then go on to enjoy yourself at college. There are usually a lot of “welcome week” activities to help freshman get to know people and help them get involved with groups on campus. Just go to these activities, mixers, etc. and see what happens.<br>
The beginning of freshman year is a major transition and most freshman will be stressed out or homesick to some degree. That’s part of the experience. Don’t worry–your jitters are normal.</p>

<p>You mentioned “thinking too much” and maybe you are. I have that problem, too. Sometimes, when sad thoughts intrude on me, I bring myself back into the moment by saying, “OK, atomom, where are you right now? What are you doing? What is interesting/good right here?”</p>

<p>Say you’re walking across campus, but thinking about how homesick you are and wondering what all your family/friends are doing back home etc.–then you won’t be noticing the people walking by, the interesting architecture of that building, the funky shoes that kid is wearing, the beautiful fall weather, or whatever is right there in front of you. Remind yourself to enjoy the here and now.</p>

14

<p>D cried non-stop on the way to the airport, on the plane, in the hotel before move in. I don’t want to go! I’ll miss all my friends! Nobody from home is going to this school! Really really upset at the thought of going away to school.</p>

<p>2 weeks later: I love it! I have so many friends! Can you put some more money on my debit card? (click)</p>

15

<p>Classof2015 - you got a call, it could have been an email. My advise to you is not to deposit too much money, so she would need to call you every time she runs out. </p>

<p>I just checked D2’s acct to make sure she is not running low. Waiting for that phone call.</p>

16

<p>^what a great idea! Proof of life. Like in those kidnap/ransom movies…</p>

17

<p>haha all right, thanks so much! your responses are all very detailed and helpful. I’ll just have to go out there and face it, do my best, and see how it goes!</p>

18

<p>Please come back here to let us know how you are doing after you have launched. Good luck with the move in.</p>

19

<p>When you start feeling shaky, you have your buddies at CC urging you on to face your fears.
Keep us posted on your achievements at school.</p>

20

<p>What I saw on move-in day was mothers trying to keep themselves busy by going through the motions of maternal routine in a manner that was oddly futile and non-purposeful (“Oh, let me make that bed again, for you, that sheet is not straight and tidy like it should be”), and fathers looking glum and stern to keep themselves from bawling. </p>

<p>Be strong for the parental units, OP.</p>