So what do you do with an empty-nest?

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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<p>Oh my - I just re-found this thread and I am sooooo glad. We leave in 3 days for the dorms and I am having a VERY difficult time even looking at my dtr without seeing the past 18 years wiz by in front of my eyes. I just want to cry all the time and only have once so far, when I was home alone. </p>

<p>T make matters worse, she has been with a (very nice, sweet) boy the past few weeks and is now distraught about leaving. Which, in turn, makes my emotions shoot off the charts. She is hurting and happy about all of this, but becoming ambivilent about leaving him. I am a wreck and just want to get on the plan, take her, and get back. The anticipation of the emothions this next week is unbearable.</p>

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<p>Yeah, well I had one night alone and Friday afternoon when I called son to find out how his day went, he was in the car with some friends coming home (a few hours drive) to see the opening for the high school football season. So he’s been home alll weekend, pretty much the same ole’ stuff
video games blaring in the other room and short, huffy answers to my questions. He’s an “adult” now
I guess I forget.</p>

<p>In just a few minutes his ride will be swinging by and the hurt starts all over again. Kinda like a setback, but also thinking I really had had this weekend to myself just to have the time to adjust. Now I start again. He has announced he won’t be coming Labor Day weekend, but isn’t sure if anyone is coming next weekend or not. He didn’t take a car, and will share a ride with whoever is coming when he wants to, I guess. I know this won’t last long and soon he won’t come home much at all. I guess I should be glad for the little time I get but it hurts when he missed his video games more than his mom.</p>

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<p>That’s the sting of it TNMom. You get all excited when they say they’re coming home only to have them run in, give you a quick hug and then head back out the door and down the road to meet friends for whatever they have planned for the night/day/weekend. I was hurt and somewhat annoyed with S1 the first few times he came home freshman yr. Then I let it go.</p>

<p>It didn’t take us long to learn that they were not really coming home to hang out with us.</p>

<p>Four years (and S2 in college now)later, I have learned not to have any special plans or expectations but to just go with the flow and enjoy the time that they are around. It makes the coming and going less momentous emotionally if there’s no big build-up/expectation.</p>

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<p>son called today
senior in college. He left on Wed.
Sounded SOOO happy.<br>
Anwway, I thought I would be over this by now. NOT. Still had a tear in my eye when he left. Moping around this weekend.
Felt strange making dinner for two tonight.
Too many adjustments
</p>

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<p>This summer was really interesting. D left for college 3000 miles away in Jan. Fortunately we were able to go with her to help her move in. Last year we insisted on going to Oct Parents’ Weekend, just to see what it was like. We found it fun & it was good that D was able to reconnect with her friends (she skipped a few days of CC because she wanted to re-bond with her HS friends who were college freshmen at the same school she’d be starting in Jan. We also saw them in SF in later Jan where we had a mini-extended family reunion with hubby’s relatives.</p>

<p>This fall, we didn’t fly up but S promised to help out D as needed (he stored her stuff this summer & she admitted he WAS helpful). D’s room mate’s parents took a week off prior to move-in day & a week off after it so they’re helping the girls settle into the apartment & are getting them a TV–they’re dividing the cost among the 4 of them.</p>

<p>We will all be meeting in SF in September to again spend time with hubby’s relatives & we told the kids they can send us lists of whatever they forgot/need; they intend to do so.</p>

<p>It is a bit quieter without the kids. I only saw S about 4 days this summer–two days before I left on a business trip and two days before he flew off for his internship. He won’t be back until Christmas holidays! It surprised my extended family but we’re all dealing with it OK; am glad to hear he had a great time visiting with the new folks he met this summer and also went camping with some U friends in the middle of the summer as well.</p>

<p>In ways, it’s much simpler with just hubby & me–no kids to shuttle about (D doesn’t drive) and no one to double-check about whether they need a ride to or from anywhere, worry about getting them where they need to go on time, getting them to doc appts, and having food they like at times they’re hungry. It is different and of course we miss them, but we can focus on just ourselves and each other, which is an interesting shift after such intense focus on the kids over these past many years.</p>

<p>I’m surprised and relieved that both kids seem healthier at college than they were at home–somehow the drier air is better for their allergies and allows them to be healthier and therefore happier as well. I’m glad for them but we all do wonder about finding them a place to live in HI that won’t set off their allergies but still allow them to earn a living (since they’ve both voiced wanting to return to HI to live once they establish careers).</p>

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<p>Okay. I’m think I’m in real trouble and I don’t know where to turn. I’m really struggling with this empty nest and the depression is getting the best of me. My husband is offshore, S2 (youngest) just left for college two weeks ago, S1 is married and is very wrapped up in his own life, D is married and has children, but with a husband that wants all of her attention on the weekends. All of these people are really too busy for me at this point
and I don’t think any of them have stopped to think
I’m all alone here in a big ole’ empty house
no conversation (except a computer). Television doesn’t excite me, movies alone are just no fun, and eating out alone only makes me think people are looking at “the poor woman that eats alone”. I don’t have extra money to shop, and really don’t need to right now
so this empty nest stuff just stinks. </p>

<p>Seriously, when I start thinking nothing excites me anymore, I’ve lost interest in things I used to like, and I am ready to get back to work so I can be around people, I am in trouble. I’m on Facebook but I don’t know how to wave a red flag there and say “hey people
I’m drowning”
</p>

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<p>TNMom2Three!
Wow I am so glad that I read your post today and maybe we can help each other out during this really difficult time. D1 has been at school 800 miles away from home for almost 2 weeks now, she and I are very close. I am a single mom with D2 who is 15yr old at home. Everytime I mention to friends of mine that I miss D1 and can’t wait till she comes back home in Oct. they look at me like I am crazy. I get the “I love being alone with my hubby” or “I love not having to do things for my kids”. That so not how I feel! I am sad and struggling with this new situation. I have been unemployed since January so therefore I am broke so shopping to lift my spirits is out. I kinda feel like everyone wants to tell me to “get over it”. I am looking for a cheap yoga or pilates class and I am looking into helping out at a charity food and clothing store. I have to get out of this house!</p>

<p>I feel like if I had someone who totally understood how I was feeling then I could cope a little better. Its really hard to know what to do with yourself when you have been doing things for your kids for the past 18+ years. I am happy that I still have D2 at home but she is missing her sister alot and I trying to lift her spirits also.</p>

<p>Today has been a bad day and I am hoping tomorrow is better.</p>

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<p>Here is a list of things that I want to do now that I am an emptynester, some I have started already, oher things are coming up. Every day I check out listings to see what is happening in my city. Granted, I live in SF, so there is lots to do, but even in a small town, you can find fun stuff and most of these are free, or reallly cheap:</p>

<p>Musuem lectures and tours
Foreign films
Charity Walks
]Nights out with my lady friends
Volunteering at the food pantry
Volunteering to walk dogs for people who are ill
Writing workshops
More arts and crafts
Studying French on CD
Long walks and getting fit</p>

<p>you get the picture</p>

<p>Keeping busy is the trick. If you volunteer, you will meet people. If you take a class, you will meet people. I made an effort in the last year to reconnect with all my gal friends, and plan things to do. It may just be going to an outdoor movie, or walking around a street fair. And even if I do those things alone, like see the sypphony (in the cheapest seats you can imagine), I don’t feel lonesome. </p>

<p>I realized I just needed to do it, like Yoda said, no try, just do. </p>

<p>And if you have a younger sibling at home, realize that now you have time to get to know them, without the shadow of the big sister, sokething very speciall. WHen I had one left at home, we did all sorts of things together and I was able to see my younger D blossom. At the dinner table she was able to get in a word edgewise. How could I be sad if I had this wonderful young lady still around.</p>

<p>And how can I be sad now, knowing that my girls are soooo happy, that I have some amazing girlfriends who checked in on me when we were doing the drop off, who do get it, and let me talk. But I don’[t just talk about my Ds, I can talk about my photogrpahy class or the horrible job I did repainting my kitchen.</p>

<p>You need to go out tomorrow. Go for a nice walk. Or go through your old clothes and take them to goodwill. Or ask your place of worship if they have need of volunteers. Giving makes one feel so much better. And do something a bit selfish, wander an art gallery, get yourself a gelato.</p>

<p>It will be okay, and you need to show your daughters that you are a strong woman who still has much to offer them and the world. Set an example that women are still amazing people even if they arent in that mommode anymore.</p>

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<p>^love to quilt22 you are totally on top of it. D2 left 2 weeks ago and I am listing things I’ve wanted to do but have had to put off due to raising kids. I do work full time plus
so that takes away a lot of hours. But I’ve a list of things I am starting after Labor Day. I remained on the board of a nonprofit and that will take some time. I adore my daughters but am delighted that they are happy, accomplished, independent young women starting out and making their way. It hurts at times to realize that the “child” years are over
 I loved it at the time despite the busy busy schedule
but time to move on for them AND me. Your last 2 lines are perfect and really sum it all up.</p>

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<p>Thanks!! And its soooo true. We are still in our prime- smart, active, charming, funny- we have a lot to offer the world and there is no reason to be wasting time feeling sorry for ourselves when we accomplished something amazing- we have launched our Ds and Ss into college, something tough in this day and age. You should be extremely proud and now its time to be a little bit selfsih. </p>

<p>And take a good look at that sibliing left at home, fi there is one, what a great opportunity to fouce on them- we need to admit that for the last year, its pretty much has been about the new freshman in college, so take the chance to enjoy the budding adult still left at home!!</p>

<p>I know so many moms who rediscovered the rest of the family after the intensity of the last year.</p>

<p>And then are rediscovering themselves as empty nesters. </p>

<p>My friend and I are looking for cheap bikes to ride around on sundays in the park! I want a pink cruiser.</p>

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<p>TN Mom of 3 – I’m assuming you’re in Tennessee – that’s where both of my kids are in college now and I’m 700+ miles away and I miss them so much. It has only been a couple of weeks. Like you, I’m trying to figure out what to do with all this free time. Doing things for my kids and being with them has been my whole life for 20+ years – and now what? I think the advice you’ve gotten is good: there are lots of people and organizations that can use our “mothering” skills, whether it’s driving people places, helping kids with homework, feeding people, whatever. I know self-improvement like taking classes or working out are also good options. Feel free to PM me and we can try to keep each other’s spirits up. The best consolation is knowing the kids are happy and thriving–it sounds like that’s happening for yours.</p>

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<p>My friend and I met in NYC for five fun filled days after we moved our daughters into their dorms. We had so much fun visiting museums and shows. The hotel and airline tickets were really reasonable.
Today I went back to Jazzercise after several years.
I love my daughter and I miss her but I’m not going to dwell on it. I was 35 when she was born so I don’t have a lot of time left to travel and persue my interests.</p>

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<p>Well hubby and I are in Martha’s Vineyard for a few days. We came here after we moved Daughter into her dorm. We really needed a break. It helps us focus on us for a change and we feel renewed when we get back home. This is what we started to do at the end of summer when we bring D to school.</p>

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<p>Arrived back home this afternoon from dropping D2 off at her school. It was hard enough dropping D1 a few weeks ago, but coming home to an empty nest isn’t easy. This will be our second year with both of them gone, and I know it will be fine once I get myself busy after this holiday weekend.</p>

<p>Reading the posts above me on this page just made me feel a bit better. We’re all in this together:)!</p>

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<p>Do y’all remember my posts about hiking down and up the Grand Canyon for spring break? I trained for six months. We hiked down in 6 hours and up the next day in 8 hours.</p>

<p>BIL and SIL - empty nesters - have decided to do this. One is a bit overweight and the other is quite a bit overweight. They want to hike the GC two months from now as “training” for other more strenuous hikes. At that time of year there are 10 hours of daylight each day and average low temp at the rim is 24 degrees. Oh yes
AND they plan to go down and up all in one day. To do it all in the light, they’d have to better our time by 4 hours, with no rest at all at the bottom.</p>

<p>SIL is saying she can do this because she was such a good hiker on family vacations as a child
you know, those family vacations that were 35-40 years ago
and she hasn’t hiked since. This would be very funny if it wasn’t potentially fatal.</p>

<p>Don’t get me wrong
it’s a great goal for them to set for themselves
but how about training for it a bit and not trying to do a two day hike in one day?</p>

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<p>I have finally learned the steps of the “walker dance” that I’m doing as part of the ensemble of a local production of “The Producers.” I had no idea that musical theater is so hard. It is very hard to sing, dance, and stay in character even if your character is just being a little old lady who doesn’t say one line! This certainly has deepened my appreciation of theater and, I think, has rejuvenated some of my brain cells!</p>

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<p>You said it. Last night we were talking to younger D about the difference between movies and Broadway
how in the movies, you can dub in the vocal part but on Broadway, you actually do need to sing and dance at the same time!</p>

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<p>Hey missypie, that plan is crazy. I remember the rangers at the GC STRONGLY recommending against hiking up and down in one day. That would challenge even the fittest of hikers. I think you need to tell them they’re off base
and recommend that they talk to a ranger. Rangers are quite tired of performing rescues and sound like your family would be on their list!
Northstarmom
that’s great but I have to say I really didn’t like that scene in the play. My elderly MIL uses a walker and I found the whole thing to be very insulting! Just me though I guess, cause everyone around me was laughing!</p>

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<p>My SIL is just a fount of misinformation about this hike
even though we just did it six months ago, she knows everything about it (having never done it herself) and we know nothing. The one thing I can think of telling her that might put a bit of rationality in her plan is that if a hiker has to be rescued, they do send the hiker the bill.</p>

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<p>Back in the day–about 3 decades ago–when I was in grad school with my beau, we and two friends (all of us appeared fit) hiked to the bottom of Havasu Canyon (a smaller branch of the Grand Danyon). We hiked from the time we reached the rim & just got to the bottom when it turned pitch black (it was Spring Break). BF & I did OK but the couple who came with us had a very hard time. It was NOT an easy hike, even when you’re a young adult & quite fit. Going back up was not easy either, but then everyone here can already imagine that. We would never have contemplated going back up on the same day after getting to the bottom.</p>

<p>We camped for the better part of a week & then headed back up. It was still a tough hike, both directions.</p>

<p>Hope your SIL has a plan B (maybe a plan C, D, & E). I know people like your SIL–don’t we all!</p>