<p>What concerns me is the kids when these same (now divorced) women never replace their anger with anything either. My experience/observation has been that the “dumped” 50something man-child is more likely to grow up (probably by necessity) than the embittered mother-to-all is to get past her wounds. </p>
<p>When the kids hear the mom post divorce grind over and over against dad/men and wallow in her misery/marytrdom, it is a soul killer and seems to sentence the kids to bad marriages if they don’t put a lot of distance between them and mom and/or get serious counseling.</p>
<p>It is sort of like a double whammie to the live-alone angry woman when the dad actually becomes someone the kids can try to have a relationship with, but the mom stays the way she has been and makes the kids pay serious grief tax for caring about their dad. The mom not only wasted all those years in the marriage, she is driving her kids away (and perhaps more toward appreciating what dad when through in the marriage) or is doing them serious damage.</p>
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<p>LOL–misery loves company doesn’t it. I assist my wife regularly in her retail space at an antique mall. I noticed early on that there were several women who were very “cool” to her while the other people were quite friendly. I asked her about it. She said that they were all 50+, divorced and single. These women had in subtle and not so subtle ways made it apparent to those women at the mall who had the assistance and active support of their husband in the wife’s interest that men are all jerks and exhibited real resentment that these men were assisting. </p>
<p>BTW–I always go out of my way to be extra nice to these ladies and also ask if they would like me to lend them a hand. It is like live entertainment to us old couples to watch how some of them react.</p>
<p>I know some very happily divorced 50something women. Maybe it’s because they are lawyers and didn’t suffer financially in the divorce. Of course, there’s no telling how they will be in future relationships…that may be where the anger comes out.</p>
<p>Do you have any idea why a professional woman of independent means would not draw a line to get the guy to grow up or get out years before becoming 50+ and the kids leaving the nest for college after having suffered through all those years of marital emotional absenteeism by the parents? To those kids the nest has been empty long before the kids leave.</p>
<p>IMO, the toll on the kids would be so much less and both the man-child and mega-mom would have a chance to (possibly) change for the better for themself and their kids.</p>
<p>It is very sad to be in a house by yourself or going on vacation with friends (which means basically by yourself). I do not care about $$ situation, we both work, I hope my spouse survives me.</p>
<p>Hi guys,
Life is not stationary but dynamic everchanging, like the seasons.Even the changing seasons can have drought,storms,hurricanes and so on and so forth.My point is we should be prepared for and recognize these things and brace ourselves for what life will bring for us and learn to enjoy the little joys.If you think your children or your spouse is responsible for your personal fulfillment and happiness and you are in your 40’s or 50’s then you have totally missed the point and probably some counseling would help before you climb the steps to the divorce lawyers offices.</p>
<p>I think divorce is always sad. And I think no matter how it looks like the same story over and over again (martyr wife marginalizing child-husband), you never really know what goes on in someone else’s marriage. Yes, I have known women who delight in telling “stupid husband” stories, and I don’t have a lot of sympathy for them, but I have also known women who have suggested counseling and the husband refused, they’ve put up with verbal abuse, they’ve endured cold and distant husbands, and yes, trite as it sounds, they’ve stuck around because they feel their children need them. It’s easy to laugh at the stereotype, but some women really do believe their children are better off during the turbulent high school/college application years without also dealing with divorce. </p>
<p>There’s a lot of freedom as the kids get older – it’s not all of a sudden when they start college. As our kids need us less and less, we find we have more time to just be together, and that’s nice. I look forward to more of that.</p>
<p>so it happened again today. an acquaintance raved about how nice it is to have an empty nest. loves it…loves, loves, loves it! </p>
<p>i am happy for her–but i wonder why i can’t embrace the whole empty nest thing with that much gusto. my youngest has found a job and moved to nyc–this is so final to me now–much harder than sending them off to college when you know they’ll be home at the end of each semester.</p>
<p>but, my question is really this–are people like my friend really that happy? did they have a troubling time with their kids? or are they simply repeating that over and over – a “fake it 'til you make it” mentality? i just feel kind of bad that i seem so sad when others seem so happy</p>
<p>and i’m a busy, outgoing, active person–you’d think i could deal with this a bit more maturely!</p>
<p>It is tougher for me as the kids start their own lives. As you say, when they are “just” in college, we know they will be back for breaks & no one knows where they will settle. As they start full-time jobs in other states far from us, it sinks in that they are flying off in their own directions and who knows when and where our future paths will intersect.</p>
<p>It IS different as they branch out more permanently. I am not quite sure how I will adjust to this new phase–didn’t find it tough when they were in college because that seemed a temporary situation. Even early jobs are not really that permanent–will be more concerned when they establish long-term relationships and buy a place to live.</p>
<p>wbow, I know how you feel. I have a similar reaction.</p>
<p>I am also struggling with envy when people talk about how happy and wonderful their out of the home kids are. All of mine have had some very tough years—divorce, depression, other medical issues, no job. Seems they are out of the nest, but the worries are magnified!</p>
<p>This is my first time on this thread, though H and I have been empty nesters in fact for almost 8 years. In 2003 after college, S left to move to Europe, something he told us he was going to do after his sophomore year in hs. One month after he left, D went away to boarding school for hs. Though it was only 1.5 hrs from home, she was really gone.</p>
<p>Now, when she graduates in May from college, she is going to Europe as well. Already has a job secured.</p>
<p>We are sad for ourselves, but truly happy for the kids. Since both will be in H’s country of birth, we decided to retire there, but that’s not for 4 more years. </p>
<p>S is getting married there in July, and has asked me to spend a lot of the summer there helping w/preps. In August when H and I return, it will REALLY be just the 2 of us, as D will stay. I don’t even want to think how sad we will be.</p>
<p>Adding that for the past 2 weeks the kids have been home with us and it has been wonderful. S leaves Thursday, D next Tuesday. I will go to see her play her sport about 4x this Spring, about 1200 miles away, then of course for graduation.</p>
<p>D was crying last night & very sad that things “are changing” as S has accepted a job on the East Coast & she heads back to college on Friday. She’s happy & excited about her college & what awaits her but is already missing the nice cocoon and family bounding time that was party stolen by colds this winter. We do miss the kids when they’re away but are so excited about what the future holds for them.</p>
<p>I told D it’s normal to be sad to see & know changes lie ahead but that’s how we all grow. We know that this too shall pass–she’s just very reflective–I know I was as well when I was her age & was sorry for my family that I was doing so much growing when I was away at college, 3000 miles from them. Mostly I found it exciting and invigorating & I know she does too. Lots of excess emotion as the kids head back from their winter breaks. I’m happy to know that D will have one of her best friends & room mates already back at the dorm waiting for her when she arrives there tomorrow. Poignant times. </p>
<p>The allergist encouraged S to allow us to drive with him across the country and help him settle at his new job in DC–this is special time that we will always cherish! The allergist has become such a dear friend!</p>
<p>Our son (only child) graduated from college last May. He was a 2-day drive away. Sending him off all those years ago was difficult., but I had expected this, and after a while, the hole in my heart healed most of the way. But now that he has a real job in yet another state, I find it very difficult when he leaves after one of his brief visits. I notice how much more *settled *I feel when he is home. The melancholy I experience when he leaves has come as a surprise.</p>
<p>i had to look at your post twice to make sure it wasn’t posted by me! </p>
<p>almost same story–two day drive for college, job in a distant state, and even though everything is good, i am at a loss after a brief (very brief) holiday visit. i am at loose ends and don’t know why–except that the reality of his separate life has finally hit home. i’m so happy for him, yet can’t quite get myself put together with this.</p>
<p>I hope you are feeling a little better today. I am sad because D went back yesterday and all along I had thought it was today. Her last semester. I don’t know about otheres, but I thank God I have a job, because I really don’t totally enjoy the empty nest.</p>