<p>it seems that most are mothers… I am a father and crying just reading these post… my son and i have a wonderful relationship and i will miss him dearly… he will only be 5 hours away and i hope to visit him many times along with his mother… he is our only child… i was 36 years old when he was born… i was mature enough by then to realize that every waking moment with him was a blessing and i never took it for granted… i never missed a single game he played (4 sports) and made many of the practices… i never missed a school play… i made every vacation… i never missed one thing he was involved in… i really have no regrets… But i love him so and will battle the sadness.</p>
<p>Smile–we all love our kids dearly. Part of that loving is being happy that they are becoming independent and finding themselves apart from us. Yes, it is a wrench, but they love knowing that we can be happy even without them (instead of them worrying about our happiness/sadness). We do ourselves and them a favor by finding a way to be content and creating a different life for ourselves.</p>
<p>We are facing S taking a job 5000+ miles from our home in the next few months, after living 2500 miles (5-6 hour plane ride) when he attended school. D is still attending the same school. Yes, we miss D and will miss S, but we have forged ahead and my non-profit that I’m mostly started since they’ve been busy with college is keeping me VERY busy. H remains pretty busy with work and we hope to travel & do some fun things when he retires.</p>
<p>Maybe you might want to help out at the school or somewhere else which catches your fancy–church, community, non-profit? All could use your help. Good luck!</p>
<p>My NPR station is having pledge drive, so I listened to the station that the kids listen to while driving in this morning. They were talking about married couples who sleep in separate beds. One of the DJs said that when his brother went off to college, his mom moved his dad into the brother’s bedroom while the dad was at work…the dad snored a lot. That made me laugh out loud.</p>
<p>smile, I am a father and like you, I have, I think, a wonderful relationship with my son and a very good one with my daughter. Like you, my son was born when I was 36 (I think). My son is now a sophomore in college about 1.5 hours away. While he is not my only child, I suspect that I have an unusually close relationship with him because he is unusual – brilliant intellectually and severely dyslexic with a number of health issues. As a former professor, I could a) see the intellectual horsepower early; and b) feed it. I taught him lots of stuff directly but need to make schools work for him. To accomplish this, I had to negotiate with school systems and private schools, the ACT and SAT, etc. for accommodations and for partial homeschooling (so he could go faster/deeper than HS honors courses but slow down and learn to write before college). I taught him to do a lot of the negotiating himself. He now calls me from college before sending emails to professors/deans and sometimes for advice on papers. I don’t, except around the edges, hear about his social life. But, I’m not sad. I’m just thrilled to see him grow and succeed.</p>
<p>One possible reason for this: I have a ton going on in my life. I have an active business, an active wife, pro bono projects, a book project that is currently dormant, … so the holes in my life fill in. [Note: Unlike you, there was probably never a year in which I attended everything he did as my work takes me all over the world, but I have shared exciting travel with my kids]. </p>
<p>As I mentioned in an earlier post, a wise friend told me that the secret to happiness (or at least mental health) is to have community, meaning and structure. If these are lacking, look for ways to fill in (per HIMom’s suggestions).</p>
<p>Wow ,this thread really took off ! I guess the worst part of feeling like an empty nest ,has lessened a bit- my 30 year old son who was imprisoned in a detention center in China is living at home again in our comfy family room in the basement ,pondering his next move .He was great to have here last night when we had 19 inches of new snow ! My 18 year old D told me she actually missed me! My sweet 20 year old calls frequently with 1 minute calls -about something he saw or just heard that I would like .23 year old calls once a week ,comes home for dinner .All in all ,things are pretty good ! The best part of having a mostly empty nest is the opportunity to spoil and indulge 1 child at a time -make THEIR favorite dinner ,or go to THEIR favorite restaurant .</p>
<p>Whoops !! I did not start this thread ,it just feels like it…</p>
<p>Well I am sort of amazed that this thread has filled so quickly. It seems like a long time since I started it, although it’s only been a couple of years. My son is now finishing his sophomore year in college and is absolutely loving the college of his choice. I have to beam a little at the fact that in spite of my thinking that maybe Honors would be too much of a strain on him, he’s still in there, and is maintaining a 3.97 cumlative gpa with a 4.0 just this last semester. This kid, er, I mean young man just loves learning. With only two “B’s” from kindergarten til now, we delight, so far, that he is student loan-free. What a blessing that will be if he can maintain that! </p>
<p>As for the empty nest, I hope everyone will believe me when I say all my dreads and fears faded away. My biggest worries now come when he is driving for hours to come home to visit, and I can’t say there may not be a little angst if an internship takes him to another state or country. But for the most part, the emptynest syndrome has turned out to be one I’ve learned to live with. A cruise, a trip to Niagara Falls…and working on remodeling the house. He is happy, and so are we, for him. But I can’t say that it doesn’t do this mom’s heart good to hear him say during visits that “it feels so good to be home.” </p>
<p>Glad this thread has become a helpful place!! Everything will be just fine…I promise.</p>
<p>Just as TNMOM@Three stated "Everythin will be just fine . . .I promise’. I jump started this blog about 3 years ago when our last D went off to college. I wondered if anyone was out there feeling as sad as I was. When our last D went 4,000 miles away to attend college while I was very happy for her, I still had a very heart. When we dropped her off during parents’ orientation, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. While I didn’t cry in front of her as soon as we got on the shuttle to the airport I couldn’t hold back the tears. I couldn’t believe she was gonna be so far away. At the time, I didn’t know how/when the sadness would subside. I was not a stay at home mom. I had my own very busy and fulfiling practice and a full life but I felt like an important part of me was missing.</p>
<p>Well, let’s fast forward 3 years ahead and believe me when I say it does get easier! The first year was the hardest for me and my husband but with time and being with close friends I didn’t miss her as much. This year we dropped her off at the airport to study abroad in South Africa. 18 hours away by plane! We supported her to go b/c we knew this was a dream of hers. Yes, we miss her but in a good way. My advise to all who are missing their S or D: 1)acknowledge your feelings; 2) don’t let somone make you feel bad because of your feelings and 3) do things that make you happy or start a new project or volunteer for a worthy cause. I pretty sure you have been putting off something you have wanted to but never had the time. </p>
<p>Lastly, come back and post to share with others how you overcame the empty nest symdrome b/c it does really exist for many!</p>
<p>It feels very weird to have S home for so long after being gone for most of the past 4 years. Last summer, he was only home for 10 days & the summer before, was home for two months. This year, he’s been home since August! It is interesting figuring out our different roles – he’s the declutterer and has taken over both his room & D’s. When he leaves, we will see which room H takes over & which one I take over (we have 3 bedrooms & have no idea when D will return–she may remain in LA this summer). </p>
<p>We love our kids dearly but are glad they’re enjoying their lives and we are figuring out our next phase of our lives as well. Fortunately, we still enjoy travel and like both LA & DC, where both may be spending significant future time. H plans to work earnestly on some of our home repair projects that we’ve deferred while he’s been busy at work and we may travel some. I still have a lot of extended family, including my folks to keep me busy as well.</p>
<p>It was interesting chatting with the dentist today. He is rattling around by himself in a 4-bedroom home he inheritted from his folks that is filled with stuff. I told him my cousins have the same situation, as does my BIL. So many folks have “too much house,” but aren’t too interested in decluttering & moving or downsizing. I told him it will be a wonderful place for the grandkids & he smiled. His S will be finally graduating dental school this year!</p>
<p>“So many folks have “too much house,” but aren’t too interested in decluttering & moving or downsizing.”</p>
<p>This sounds like us…or maybe I should say “me”. 
We have a 4BR with a “roughed in” (has everything but carpet, tape on the drywall and paint.) bonus room, however our goal this year is to finally finish the bonus room after 15 years. We used it for everything from a indestructable playroom, to a makeshift guest-room in past years. The kids joke and say “WHY are you finishing it now that WE’RE gone?” and we answer that with the obvious “because we couldn’t afford it when we had kids to raise” But, even though my husband would like to downsize, the kids have begged us never to sell because they consider it “home”. I love having the space for an office, and a guest room, and a place for the grandkids to explore and play. But unlike the dentist, we are in the middle of a major decluttering process as we speak. It will feel so good to get rid of all the excess and simplify. We are telling the kids that this is our gift to them so they won’t have to do it when we are gone. :)</p>
<p>I’m new here, so here’s my back story.</p>
<p>My daughter is a freshman at college. We were really close, partly because she was such a diligent student that she worked 7 hours a day on homework even on weekends (both days). She was always home, and I was there. The fact that we got along so well made us close. I would suggest she hang out with her friends, but she said she didn’t have time. She would tell me everyday that I was the best mom in the world. Other mom’s envied our relationship, and my daughter told me she was so glad I was her mom and not anyone else.</p>
<p>Then she left for college. At first, we video skyped with her every day. It was such a treat to not only hear her, but see her. I wish I could say that she was happy and having a great time at college, but the truth is that she was lonely and stressed, by the demands of her college life, and by trying to figure out how to make friends. </p>
<p>My two older children (boys) are back living at home after college, so my nest isn’t empty. But my daughter was the one I really connected with. After about 6 weeks, she said she didn’t have time to skype with us every day. We heard her, and backed off. Now, we never hear from her. Again, if I knew she was happy, I wouldn’t worry so much.</p>
<p>What made all of this so much worse, is that when she came home for Christmas break,
she told me she had asked the mom of one of her friends if she could go over and talk with her. She said she needed someone other than her parents to talk to. She had already talked to a counselor at school, but it didn’t help whatever was bothering her. Apparently it took all her nerve to ask this woman if she could talk to her. So now, they have an email relationship. I don’t know what they talk about.</p>
<p>I was prepared to lose my daughter to college, and prepared to lose her to her friends, and knew that was as it should be. I wasn’t prepared to lose her to another mother. I’ve not only lost her physically as she is far away at college, but I’ve lost her heart. I feel she has replaced me because I wasn’t…I don’t know, good enough? She has made disparaging comments about how hard it is to come home, because we treat her the same as before (she’d only been gone 2 months at that time). I’ve been crying about this for 6 weeks. I keep thinking I get it, that it’s normal and I should be happy she’s becoming independent and making a life, and I am. I just didn’t think it was going to involve her denial of me in her life as well. </p>
<p>Friends have said, “Don’t worry, she’ll be back.” But I wonder if the damage to our relationship is going to make it so that I’ll never see her the same again. When people ask me how she’s doing, I have to say I don’t know. I’m a little lost here. Any thoughts?</p>
<p>It’s possible that your daughter doesn’t want to talk to you, NCmomof3, because either she doesn’t want to worry or disappoint you, or maybe the problem concerns you. My freshman daughter seems a little schizophrenic with regard to our relationship, too. She will sometimes call or text me a few times in a day, then she tells me that she has her own life and is burdened by constantly having to communicate with me. So I tell her to go about her business and we won’t call each other except for weekends. Before I know it, she is calling me again during the week. Honestly, I think kids are trying to fly but not sure they want to leave the nest. I just go with whatever the mood of the day seems to be, and I’m confident that it will work out.</p>
<p>With regard to the “home” rules, I try to ride the fence. I try to give a little more slack than in high school (like not judging her time management or social activities) but stick to my morals and the house rules (if she doesn’t like them, she can go elsewhere).</p>
<p>After getting along quite well with me during his high school years, my son suddenly found me incredibly irritating when we saw each other during his first year of college.</p>
<p>It’s fine now. I don’t think this is uncommon, though it can be hurtful.</p>
<p>NCmomof3, your situation seems to be something more, although maybe it is just because your daughter was SO attached to you and now she feels she must differentiate herself to be able to grow up and out. Another thought, though: could she be struggling with something she thinks you wouldn’t understand or approve of? Something to do with sex or sexuality, for example?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>reminiscent of toddler-hood and adolescence, eh?</p>
<p>^ It sure is! Change is never easy.</p>
<p>Yes, I do think she is trying to differentiate herself from me. That’s part of the reason she chose to go to school farther rather than near home, though she didn’t want to.</p>
<p>As for there being other things at play, specifically sexuality, that’s the only thing I can imagine she would think she needs to talk to someone else about, though I’m disappointed she couldn’t come to me. She’s an incredible person, and I will work on trying to give her the credit she is due while letter her go about figuring out who she is apart from me. I just miss her.</p>
<p>Thanks all for your comments. It really helps to open up with this to those who have been there. You all have the most pertinent insights.</p>
<p>In a few minutes I will start the last season of “watching” D’s sport via internet since I can’t go the 1200 miles too frequently. I’ll get a call in between games, then one after the 2nd. </p>
<p>It’s only going to be a hobby until April or May. Yep, definitely an empty nest.</p>
<p>NCMom, I hope things improve for you really soon.</p>
<p>NCMom3, I do recall frustration going home during college, because my parents assumed I was the same person they’d sent off and I felt I’d really transformed and become someone quite different. As a male, I probably hadn’t talked to my parents that much when I was in HS. Lots of judgmental attitude from my mother (then and even now). I have tried with my kids to foster honest communication, even about subjects they know I’m not crazy about. It is succeeding better with my son than my daughter (and still has the close/too close thing with her mother), but she’s younger so there is still time. But, she’s a HS senior and has decided to go to school far from home so that her mother won’t drop in for breakfast.</p>
<p>You can adopt some kids. Just be careful cause if they behave bad then you might have alot more work and your nieghbors might not like you anymore.</p>
<p>Inspiration.</p>
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