<p>Has anyone out there dealt with social anxiety in college, either as a student or as a parent of a student suffering from it? My son wasn't very social in high school. Everyone loved him, but he never made close friends with anyone in particular. He spent most weekends and breaks home with his family, but seemed happy so we didn't push him. He's now in his second year of college, fairly far from home, and is suffering. He is forcing himself to do social things such as join a fraternity, go out to parties, etc... but he is not enjoying it. He does have a couple of close friends and it seems he prefers to either be alone, or do something with just them. He has "given up" on girls, according to him, although he has so much to offer a girl, or a friend, it's hard for me to hear that. If you were to see or meet him, you would think he has everything in the world going for him, but inside he's dealing with severe social anxiety and it is leading to depression. He is getting help through the school's counseling office in the form of a weekly meeting with a counselor. But I'm lost as to what I can do to help him several hours away. I would love to hear from anyone who has experience with this and can offer any advice. Thank you.</p>
<p>I am so sorry your son is going through this. As a mother, it hurts to view and feel our child’s pain, no matter how independent or mature they seem.</p>
<p>I’m sure others will post about the myers-brigg personality test (which classifies personality types into variations of extroverts, introverts, etc.).</p>
<p>All I can say is this: your son may be a late bloomer or a quiet soul but he is surely not the only one like himself at his school. He just needs to find his own people. It sounds like he is better with people one-on-one vs in a big group. He may not be the personality type to thrive in a typical fraternity (although there may be fraternities with like-minded people at his school). </p>
<p>I think we all (parents and kids) have this feeling that there are infinite possibilities to reinvent yourself at college, but the truth is, we bring ourselves wherever we go.</p>
<p>If I were you, I would: reinforce all his special qualities; tell him he is better one-on-one with people and a few good friends are better (for him) than a dozen “buddies”; he should keep trying new groups and interests and club sports til he finds his own tribe.</p>
<p>Keep us posted.</p>
<p>" He has “given up” on girls, according to him, although he has so much to offer a girl, or a friend, it’s hard for me to hear that. "</p>
<p>It is entirely possible that once he is out of college, the girls worth having in his life will notice him. Right now a lot of them are focused on getting through college and getting their careers started and don’t have time for any guys at all other than as classmates. A hard concept to sell to a lonely young man, I know, but true.</p>
<p>It sounds like meeting with a school counselor once a week is not adequate. My S fell into serious social anxiety while at college. Medication (an SSRI) made a huge difference in his life–and he’ll probably take it forever. More recently he has seen a cognitive behavioral therapist who helped him get past a difficult period when he felt rather helpless and at sea about his future. So while my experience is limited to one kid, I think it’s reasonable to have your son see a psychiatrist over winter break to evaluate whether he could benefit from an anti-anxiety medication. I would also find a therapist near his school who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, and see if he feels that approach is useful. In any case, I think the passive approach advocated in the prior responses is a mistake. Your son is suffering. Severe social anxiety will not just disappear with the passage of time or a pep talk about finding his own people or trying new activities. Time to take action.</p>
<p>You and your son may benefit from reading a book called I Don’t Want to be Crazy by Samantha Schutz. In it she discusses her own battles with anxiety disorder, especially during her college years. There are no easy answers in the book or in real life, but that book gave me an insight I otherwise probably never would have had.</p>
<p>As the mother of a high schooler with social anxiety, I will second the suggestion that your son see a psychiatrist to discuss whether an anti-anxiety medication might help. Also, while every school counseling dept. and every counselor is different, friend’s D recently had a less than stellar experience with her college counseling department. She saw them for several weeks with no improvement, then her mother found her a counselor in town and that psychologist helped her a great deal. So if the school counselor isn’t helping him, look for alternatives.</p>
<p>Listen and encourage. I think that is your primary role. He is getting help. Talk to him and see if that is enough or if he needs more. Let him know there are other options if this counseling isn’t working. I would reassure him that things will get better, that the rest of his life won’t be this way. I’d touch base often but not be overwhelming about it. I’d behave as if I had faith he would be okay. I would let him know that other college students go through this, too, that his experience is normal. Not every college student is like he sees on TV and the movies, out having fun all the time.</p>
<p>I bet the counselor is telling him this, but I’d encourage him to get involved in groups that share his interests, like church or intramural sports. Could he attend campus church services? Volunteer through a church group? Join a marathon training group or a club sport? If he is interested in food or astronomy or politics, he could join these special interest groups. These kinds of groups would be smaller and would put him with people he would have something to talk about.</p>
<p>My DD has anxiety and is also on an SSRI. That reallllly helped with her anxiety.
She went from not being able to perform for the school in a choir concert to voluntarily singing a song over the intercom to the school. Definitely consider a psychiatrist. If the anxiety is preventing him from doing things he wants to, it is time to see one.</p>
<p>My niece also has anxiety. She was not treated in college (I don’t think she was consciously aware she had it; she had developed coping mechanisms that worked in high school but not when she was on her own). She dropped out of college after the first semester. Now that she is under treatment she has started taking some classes again.</p>
<p>Seconding Lizardly’s suggestion that your son find smaller groups that share an interest. It’s easier to develop friendships when you are working together on a common goal, whether it’s community service or a political campaign. As a freshman, I did not enjoy the frat party scene (it’s hard to make real friends when everyone is drunk and shouting over the band), gave up on that, and became involved in student government, theatre, and the school newspaper. After I had made some friends and felt more comfortable, I ventured back to an occasional party – still prefer small groups, though.</p>
<p>Does your son perceive this as social anxiety himself, or is there an element of trying to fit into a scene (frats, parties, etc) that he just doesn’t like? I’m not at all discounting possible real anxiety issues, but I think there’s also an image of college life that can make lots of people feel like misfits. Your son doesn’t sound like a crowd person.</p>
<p>As I have said elsewhere, if you want to explore medications, your family doctor is the place to start. For one thing, your insurance may require a referral. For another, a psychiatrist will likely want to rule out the kinds of disorders (e.g., thyroid) that can bring on the same symptoms. Your family doctor is the normal place to initiate blood tests like that.</p>
<p>Most family doctors today will even prescribe SSRIs and related medications for you. It’s nice to stay with a doctor you already know if you can. You can always move to a psychiatrist if the initial treatments don’t work.</p>
<p>Our oldest D also suffered from severe anxiety starting in HS. It was bad enough that she could not leave the house to go to school w/o becoming physically ill. In her case, medication was necessary (a last resort after intense counseling). The difference was like night and day! She is now a 29 year old teacher and has learned coping techniques so that she no longer uses meds, although she did continue with them thru high school and off and on in college. Just a note- the first meds she tried had some side effects for her: kind of zombie like with no real emotion. If that happens don’t give up! We kept try ing until she found the right one for her (Paxil). Her anxiety disorder was crippling and medication was almost like a miracle. It is extremely interesting to examine what is taking place in the brain during an anxiety attack and how meds can modify that response- definitely worth researching.</p>
<p>^^ Agreed. If you’re new to the medication scene, it may seem odd that there are so many, and that you may have to experiment before finding the right one. This is normal!</p>
<p>Medications. Scary! I was very similar to your S when I was young, and quite the nerd, then, because of my frustration and emotional pain, I became determined to work up the courage to find a girlfriend by starting conversations with all the nerdiest girls I could find. I clicked with one of them, she became my girlfriend, for college anyway, and after that my social anxiety disappeared. </p>
<p>For thousands of years of human civilization those psychiatric drugs were not available and the great majority of young men were able to work through their problems and turned out just fine. Sometimes when an easy crutch is offered, people are less motivated to take the hard but healthy path.</p>
<p>I will shut up now. Have a nice day.</p>
<p>Agree, we are way to quick to medicate. I would never suggest my kids try drugs if they were having trouble making friends. Wow!</p>
<p>Wow! The OP’s son is not just “having trouble making friends”. OP states “he’s dealing with severe social anxiety and it is leading to depression”. Nobody is suggesting that he goes straight to drugs!!! Drugs should always be the last resort. However, if he has already tried other remedies and has had no luck, then drugs might be an option. There are measurable chemical changes that take place in the brain during severe anxiety attacks and in extreme or on-going cases sometimes behavioral modification is not enough. It is one option that the OP’s son might want to consider if his anxiety is becoming overwhelming and therapy is not helping.</p>
<p>For the past hundred or so years in my family people just drank themselves to death, so much better than getting appropriate help for depression or anxiety! Suck it up, young people, as your brave, strong ancestors did!</p>
<p>(yes, I’m being sarcastic!)</p>
<p>Well, the truth is I have seen some pretty awful effects of anti-anxiety meds, although I have also seen benefits. It’s pretty complicated stuff and I have zero faith in any doctors in this area. It would be my last stop, that’s for sure.</p>
<p>The OP said severe but that’s hard to diagnose long distance. And it doesn’t sound like a new issue.</p>
<p>^^ Ironic, because alcohol is a drug.</p>
<p>No one was suggesting do nothing, but I suggested making a great effort to change behavior should be preferable to experimenting with different psychoactive medications, as all medications have side effects, usually not fully known.</p>
<p>My D never experienced what I would term awful effects. The first 2 she tried did have undesirable effects (general apathy, very blah). The 3rd was like a miracle- no side effects and enabled her to go back to school and have normal relationships again. BTW, after going back and forth between behavior therapists and psychologists/psychiatrists, she ended up getting the most help from our regular doctor. He was the most factual, down-to-earth and most knowledgeable of any we tried. As a side, we had our D tested at a younger age for some sort of LD- she was an extreme perfectionist, had trouble getting her work done, and had behavioral tics. Everything was always negative. All of that went away once she started her meds and she improved drastically not only socially but academically. Knowing what we now know, those same meds can be used to treat OCD, and she was later diagnosed with mild OCD. She again has learned to cope with it and is doing well at this point with out meds. She did well enough to get through her Master’s program and began teaching w/o meds, so behavior modification did work in the long run. I don’t think she could have gotten there w/o drug intervention.</p>