<p>I have one kid who suffers from pretty severe social anxiety. She will go and do things but it is a push. She is well liked but prefers to spend her time at home or with her animals. She has a few good friends that she forces herself to hang out with. To the outward world she appears perfectly normal.
Today is the start of a new semester at her CC. She is dual enrolled. It is hours before her class yet the stomach turning is already starting. She will eventually settle into a comfortable routine with school but the start of the semester is always difficult.
We are wondering if she is going to be able to go away to school. She certainly will not love dorm living.
I would love to hear what other parents and students have experienced. What kind of school worked best.
She does work with a therapist.</p>
<p>How long has she been working with this therapist? What kind of therapy is it? Has she improved during the treatment?</p>
<p>I’m sure the experience will vary with the school, as it does with the particular student, but from what I’ve seen at large U’s like UCLA/UCSD is that everyone’s an individual and people can participate with others or not as they wish. At these large institutions people come from all walks of life and have all different kinds of personalities, habits, desires. </p>
<p>In the dorm room the roomies should strive to get along, be polite to each other, and considerate of each other. They don’t have to be BFFs, hang out together, or go to social functions together. It’s nicer, of course, if they become friends and can have fun together but it’s not necessary.</p>
<p>From your couple of statements it sounds like your D may do fine and she’ll seek the level of social interaction she wants. Maybe the environment will help her to move past some of the social issues she might be having. I think you’d need to try to be as perceptive as possible to figure out whether she’s really getting along okay or not and offer whatever support you can while she ventures out more and more and learns to cope with it or even enjoy it.</p>
<p>My older D told me severe social anxiety is the wrong way to describe her sister. She is not a hermit. She has a job, has had a boyfriend and participated on a sports team and has an EC that she interacts with people. It might be more an anxiety of new things. She hated HS and is doing a joint program that she goes to the CC. She did great the first semester and I am sure she will do great this semester once she settles in. She said to me today that she had become comfortable with fall classes and classsmates and now has to start over again. I know she will eventually settle in but it takes time. New experiences are hard for her. For example she took the SAT for the first time on Sat. She felt that going to an unfamiliar location and being around all the people was painful but that the next time she takes the test she will be more relaxed because it will not be new.</p>
<p>UCLA-SD Dad- I think much of what you have said is true. As much as I like a small school she might thrive at a larger school where she can have her anonimity. My main concern about a huge school is class size.
She has been seeing this therapist for a number of years. They work well together. She seems to do a good job of helping my D talked things through and has given her skills to help deal with her anxiousness.
We are all a bit concerned about her going to far from home. She is considering going mulitple states from home but does have a concern that she will not be happy and want to come home. This is junior year so she still has time to grow and mature.
How have other kids who are more of a loner coped with dorm living?</p>
<p>Is it more that she’s an “introvert” and finds new people exhausting, or that she wishes things were different?</p>
<p>I think a kid who is fine with where they are at, and doesn’t wish they had more social contact, but is more introverted would do pretty well with a single room (if they are available and affordable for you). I think a kid who wishes they had more friends but has not yet figured out the skill set is a different story.</p>
<p>Either way, since she already has a therapist, the person to ask this to is the therapist, and she and your daughter can develop a plan for her, which includes a referral to a therapist in the town she is going to. Good luck.</p>
<p>poetgrl- thanks for your post. I guess she is an introvert since she will tell you she is happy with her level of social involvement. I believe her when she says this.
What she is not happy with is the upset stomach and nerves she experiences when she has to do something new. She will eventually settle into a comfort with her classes but it is hard on all of us for the first 4-5 weeks of the semester.</p>
<p>Yes, well true introverts don’t really have social anxiety, they just find other people to be rather taxing. So, if that is the case for your daughter, and if it is what the therapist you have recommends, I’d look into a single so she would have the time and space when she needs to recharge her batteries, or just get some alone time.</p>
<p>mom60, my gut reaction is that “desensitization” might be a tactic to use. Perhaps you could even do this while visiting colleges. Of course, she would have to be on board with this and you could ask her therapist whether this is a good idea, and if so, to help you with a plan.
For example, you could first “visit” a college together by driving through in a car or bus.
The next time, you could get out for a few seconds and look at a building, then return immediately to the car or bus. The next time, look at the building for a few minutes, then return immediately. The next time, she could have a tiny piece of interaction with someone, such as asking for directions.
The next time, she could interact a little more with someone, perhaps by asking another question and a follow up question.
The next time, a little more. And so on. It is important not to overdo it in order for this to work. She needs just a few seconds of exposure at first, with gradual increases in the time exposed to the new experience. She needs lots of positive reinforcement for doing these things. And, maybe some coaching on stress reducing activities such as deep breathing, imagery, etc.
This old-fashioned technique might help her overcome the fight-or-flight response that her body is mounting in response to the stress of the new experiences.
What you want is for her to be able to generalize and be able to temper these responses to new experiences, not just get used to experiences so that they are no longer new.
Again, though, ask her therapist! Good luck!</p>
<p>She does find other people taxing. Or more in her words annoying.
I would say she is an introvert with anxiety issues. Last year she started a new HS. She was not able to eat breakfast or eat at school and lost 15 lbs. We would get phone calls in the middle of the day to come pick her up. This year with her new program she goes to the CC for classes. She only has to be there for class. Her day does not have any social component and that makes her happier.
I have had conversations with the therapist and will have more as the yr progresses. I was just looking for imput if other CCers had similar children go off sucessfully to a 4 yr school. She will have the option of continuing at the CC and eventually transfer or of attending a local U and live at home or on campus with the option of coming home when she needs it.</p>
<p>I think levirm has a good point. Since your D has her upset stomach with new and unfamiliar surroundings but is okay after she gets accustomed to it, which I don’t think is terribly unusual, then the key might be for her to jump the hurdle up front and become familiar with the surroundings at a time when she knows she’s ‘just visiting’ and will be back home soon - no commitment. It’ll be especially important to visit the schools she’s deciding between, do the tours, go eat in the eating places (or just get a drink or ice cream if the stomach’s churning), visit the library, bookstore, see a couple of classroom areas, labs (if applicable), and importantly, tour the dorms so she can get a sense of that. If the college tour doesn’t have a dorm tour maybe you can sweet talk some student into showing you their room. My D actually did this for some people who were obviously touring on their own and checking out the exterior of the dorms. My D noticed them and asked them if they wanted to see what a room looked like.</p>
<p>Also check out the surrounding area at the colleges - where she might go to restaurants, shop, go to the drug store, to the movies, or maybe even live if/when not in the dorms. </p>
<p>Make sure you understand how the transportation works at the college - how students get around (walk, bike, shuttle), whether getting to off-campus restaurants is easy, close, safe, etc.</p>
<p>If there are one or two colleges in particular she’s real serious about she might want to visit multiple times to get even more comfortable.</p>
<p>Make sure your D knows that there are quite a few others in a similar situation as her - who are also anxious and nervous about going to college and/or living away from home, and living with strangers, the bathroom situation, etc. Probably most of the students are in this boat to one degree or another. She’s not alone.</p>
<p>Once you do all that your D will have far fewer unknowns to be anxious about. Hopefully it’ll help.</p>
<p>This might sound kind of silly, but I recently read “Please Understand Me II” by David Kiersey (available on Amazon), which breaks down the Myers-Briggs personality types and discusses the nature of each type. I think it’s really helped me to understand why I am like I am and she may find it useful (I, too, am introverted and can honestly get kind of tired being around people). During college, I felt a lot better once I got a single than I did when I had a roommate.</p>
<p>Also, can the therapist prescribe medications/would she be willing to pursue that? A low dose SSRI may assist her with the social anxiety component. I’ve taken one in the past for some anxiety associated with social situations, and thought it really helped without really having any side effects or making me feel like a zombie.</p>
<p>juba2jive- I will look into the book.
She has discussed her anxiety with her neurologist. She actually had been taking something to prevent migraines that we figured out was actually making her anxiety worse. She did a med switch to a SSRI that is used to prevent migraines. It has helped some. She also has ADD and we know that for her the ADD meds can sometimes make the anxiety worse. She has tried various different meds and different dosages. She has an appointment in a couple of weeks where she is going to talk about making some med changes. She is less anxious when she is not taking any ADD meds. Still anxious but not as bad. Unfortunately for her the meds make a huge difference in concentration.</p>
<p>My son also suffers from social anxiety. He’ll say he’ll never make any friends now because it takes him so long to build the relationship. Obviously transitions are and were terrible for him. Here’s what has helped (he’s 23 yo now and a recent college graduate):</p>
<p>Don’t make our mistake and think he needs to go away to grow up. I thought, since we live in a very high economic/high stress area, that he’d benefit from getting away from here. Wrong!!!</p>
<p>Don’t think because she’s smart that she can go off to an intellectual college and find other kids who also were “into” their studies. College may be an intellectual experience during the week, but there’s also a social component in there too.</p>
<p>Here’s what we did right:
After a horrendous freshman year, our son transferred to a very small LAC 20 minutes away. He was a commuter and worked with their academic support team that first year. He had enough support from home and from the school that he started to relax. He dormed the last two years there and it was wonderful. He had made friends, he felt at home, and he excelled in his studies.</p>
<p>My point: take it s l o w l y. Find a small school nearby and let her grow into in. Eventually, have her dorm there so she gets that “real college experience”.</p>
<p>mom60 - My D has social anxiety and depression. I don’t want to share too much here but I can tell you that much of the way you describe your D could be used to describe mine too. A combination of medication and therapy helped her a lot in high school, as did being in a very small school. </p>
<p>I was really worried when she decided she wanted to attend school half way across the country. She is at a public university with about 8,500 students. The first month was rough because she viewed all her daily interactions with others through that “filter” of social anxiety. She did go to the counseling center at her school and also joined a group through the counseling center. Both really helped tremendously, She is in a super suite so she does have 3 roommates but she has her own room so can have her alone time when she needs it. She is now back for her 2nd semester and is doing great. As a matter of fact she had to go back from break a week early to start rehearsals for a show and she was really excited to get back to “home.” I admit that there were times that first month that I really questioned her being so far away from home. But it has worked out for her. </p>
<p>Obviously every child is different but that’s our story so far. Very best of luck to your D.</p>
<p>Oh I know from what you speak! I have a husbeast with moderate social anxiety and s2 with significant social anxiety (severe?) It’s true that they might also be introverts, but it is truly also an added dimension.</p>
<p>The “social” can be a misnomer, because for some it is not just about people, it can be any new situation as well… a new place, a new routine, new work, new tasks, new expectations. It can overlap with General Anxiety Disorder which more covers these more global anxieties. It’s hard, because it comes up over and over, and over and over, again… for every new thing. I mean, that’s what the darn disorder IS!</p>
<p>All I can add is that naming it and openly addressing it help a bit, so that finding and devising strategies can be done. Consciously thinking ahead… New school term coming up… what are all the things that might be difficult? Any classes in new buildings? yes. Should you arrange a visit? Make a specific plan… a date, is a companion/partner needed, how many visits? Do you need to see the classroom first? </p>
<p>Eventually, some folks do well rehearsing things mentally. Photos and virtual tours can help. Success helps… once you do it, you know you can do it again… it’s still hard, but you refer back to the success.</p>
<p>With the dorm living, break down the pieces for her and try to figure out what is hard, what is OK. You might be able to get accommodations for some of the pieces (like a single) so she only has to face a few challenges at a time. Or so she can plan for the challenges better. Maybe there is a school she can commute to for a while, then meet a friend and share an apartment or dorm with.</p>
<p>Please don’t think it would be a failure of any kind if she doesn’t go away and instead lives at home and commutes. Many kids do for so many reasons. What matters is her happiness and not any pre-conceived ideas of what college is supposed to be like.</p>