Social groups

My freshman is having a rough start and is finding it hard to connect with people. Yes, there are a lot of activities and clubs, but nothing “risk free” in which a student doesn’t have to worry about walking in alone. I have heard that the multi-faith chaplaincy does a good job. Anyone have experience of it, and is it very religious? Wondering what other students have done to meet people? Feel free to pm if preferable.

I feel your student’s pain. I started out at Bates, but what I found hard about it is that because it’s a small school, lots of clubs weren’t open to me. I was a good singer, but not the best, so it only had one a capella group for women at that time, and that door was closed. Similar things happened with Key Club and others. I ended up transferring to Cornell where there were so many EC opportunities. But that said, having had two freshman students now more recently at 2 colleges, I would say continue to challenge your student to find her/his niche. Join activities with those who have the same interest. You don’t need a lot, one or two, and devote some time to it. Also find “friends” in your classes. They share common interests also. Good Luck with this.

I sent you a pm.

I’m not exactly sure what you mean about not worrying if you walk in alone, but I can tell you that my S, who graduated in 2015, was involved in several clubs where he had zero prior experience. He joined the DJ club (they do the music at campus functions) and he got involved with the campus radio station and even had a show. He was on the Bates Sailing team (which is club, but which competes against varsity teams from all over) and they offer sailing lessons to anyone who wants to learn. Then there is the Outing Club which all students are members of.

He also ran for student govt dorm rep freshman year - never having been in student govt at all before. Then he was an at large rep the next yr and finally was elected Chair his junior yr.

He should not be afraid to join any club/activity at Bates. No one is going to judge him because he showed up alone. Bates students are really very welcoming and inclusive, but he has to take the first step by showing up.

@emilybee , by that, I mean it is difficult to get up the courage to walk alone into a club two months plus into the school year. Especially if you are on the shy side. And it’s hard for some kids to overcome the worry that they will show up and no one will talk to them.

^Ok. I would encourage him to step out of his comfort zone. Honestly, I can’t image students at Bates not talking to anyone who showed up.

Has he connected with anyone? His roommate or other kids in his dorm? How about the kids he did Aesop with?

When you say worry that ‘no one will talk to them’, I can understand how that is a concern for a shy kid, 2 months in. But I think that most of the time others aren’t talking is because they too are shy or have insecurities and are uncomfortable making the first move. I think you have to try and approach it in a different way. Not like, I went to a club and no one talked to me, but I went to a club and there were one or two people that I’m interested in getting to know, and even though we didn’t have a scintillating exchange of conversation at that meeting, I have identified them as potential friends. Not to say that is easy peasy by any means, but changing the attitude from semi-defeatist to semi-hopeful can help

@emilybee , no, there is no one in the dorm. Her roommate situation is just co-existing. Aesop was a total bust. In fact, the group leaders pretty much admitted it was a dreadful trip. She has not found her people, and she is losing faith that she ever will. She is very involved with one club, but she feels like she isn’t making progress. Do you know much about the multifaith chaplaincy?

Your description sounds very un-Bates like, tbh. Not one single person in her dorm, who she met on Aesop or in the club she is involved with? It sounds to me like something else is going on. Have you visited her on campus to see for yourself?

I don’t know anything about the multi-faith chaplaincy as my S not interested in anything religious.

Is your D interested at all in politics? I only ask because on election night the school sets up 3 rooms in commons each with a different channel on (Fox, CNN, MSNBC iirc) for kids to gather and watch the returns. Might be an opportunity for her to connect with other students from all classes - not just Freshman - in a more social situation.

Thanks, I will mention the election night thing. I will pm you @emilybee

I’m going to throw this thought out there and I mean it as helpful so I hope it doesn’t come across as too harsh. You describe her as an introvert. She’s probably been in her comfort zone prior to starting college with long standing friendships and she hasn’t had to really put herself out there to make friends for awhile. It sounds like her introversion combined with her initial lack of success on connecting with fellow students has built up the situation to a point where she is feeling a lot of anxiety and self-consciousness about social exchanges. Could she do some role playing with a counselor perhaps? I fear that maybe she is coming across as awkward or with a wisp of desperation which can be real nonstarters to forming connections if that is perceived by others, either consciously or subconsciously.

I agree with others that Bates is a friendly place in general. I think she needs to really try visiting as many clubs/activities that possibly appeal to her interests. If she doesn’t like them or make connections, she can move on, but she needs to dive in and get involved in more than one outlet. If she follows her true interests she is more likely to connect with people with whom she has common ground. It’s not too late to join in. It might be uncomfortable to her but being more engaged and trying has to be better than spending time alone. I would also encourage her to try activities that might be outside her comfort zone. College should also be about exploring new interests and areas. My child who never gravitated towards artistic pursuits us taking a noncredit class in wheel thrown pottery this semester and loving it.

No, not harsh. Probably fairly accurate.

I asked my daughter (a senior) your question, and she said that the multi-faith chaplaincy is definitely an accepting group. She says the people involved are “super nice and open.” Also that the adult staff are great and that it’s for everyone, not too “religious” but more spiritually oriented. My D is not particularly involved, but has attended a few things. She says that the Hearth dinners have sounded great and have been well attended.

Just to add: many students start college hoping that they will make close friends very quickly. They hope to have friends like the few close friends they had at home. Unfortunately it takes quite a bit of time to develop friendships that are comfortable, close, trusting. Some, perhaps many, of the first years that your daughter sees around her who seem to have found best friends just look that way. Many of them feel awkward as well. Perhaps they are more comfortable forming acquaintances but most have not yet found what will be their core group. I say this as encouragement to your daughter to be patient and let herself get to know people slowly, My daughter’s wonderful group of close friends, now in their senior year, does not include anyone who was on her first year floor. They are all people she met over her first and second years, even third year. Some through classes, some through clubs, some through other people.

Also, I don’t know if your D would be open to it, but the counseling center at Bates is very good, and they see many first years who are having some adjustment issues. Much of what they do is support, encouragement and coaching.

And my D says yoga club is really friendly, too, if she is into that kind of thing. Also can get a PE credit!

Sorry to keep going on and on…

Thanks for the suggestions, mbsmom. I will pass them on to her.

“My daughter’s wonderful group of close friends, now in their senior year, does not include anyone who was on her first year floor. They are all people she met over her first and second years, even third year. Some through classes, some through clubs, some through other people.”

This could have been written about my Senior.

Thanks for all,the feedback everyone. I have told her about all these suggestions. Hopefully things will improve.

@mrpractical Your child’s situation moves me, as I have a painfully shy friend. But she is a successful adult and generally happy with lots of friends. She has always pushed through that initial paralysis because she knew she wanted to have a full, engaging life. Perhaps your child could spend time right before an event thinking about how other people are nervous too, maybe as much as she is. Take the focus off her. I think it is important for her to know that a full life is not risk free, far from it. Also, I am not affiliated with Bates in any way, but in a visit recently I was struck by the students’ friendliness and general awesomeness. They are worth the risk. Good luck to you and let us know how she is doing.