<p>Hi, I'm a long time reader but a first time poster. I apologize if this post gets long but I really need some help and guidance. I'm a freshman in college.</p>
<p>Before college I went through a really rough divorce in 9-10th grade and during that time I was pretty depressed and mostly kept to myself. I played alot of video games and really didnt have alot of social interactions. In 11th and especially 12th grade I started coming out of my shell a bit -- I created a really good network of about 10-15 friends that I still talk to in college, got a girlfriend, etc. I was really excited to go to college this fall. I'd say so far I've been having a pretty good time -- I attend a college that is pretty intellectually stimulating (we only have about 5,000 kids on campus) and I enjoy my classes for the most part.</p>
<p>I've run in to problems socially though, I have about 4-5 good friends on campus, friends that I really value, but leading up to every weekend I am constantly worried and stressed about if I'm going to have enough to do on Friday/Saturday nights and what the reprecussions of not doing something would be. I feel very self conscious, like if I'm not doing something socially acceptable then I'm messing up. I'd also so I'm a bit more introverted than most people so I value the time I have alone alot -- I like to listen to music, play video games, watch movies, etc when I'm alone and I really get a lot of comfort out of it when Im not worried about whether I'm doing something socially acceptable.</p>
<p>Since I got to college I've really tried to branch out -- in High School I really didnt do any extracurriculars or anything and I didnt want my college experience to be the same. I'm a member of the varsity tennis team, I DJ at the radio station, I'm a member of the catholic community on campus that I'm hoping I can get a bit more involved in, I'm also a member of a few other groups and organizations. I really think I've done a good job branching out by every thursday/friday leading up to the weekend (ESPECIALLY this one b/c its halloween) I just feel so much pressure to make sure I have something to do, make sure im doing something socially acceptable. Sometimes I get really down on myself and I'm not sure how I should approach it. I miss some of my friends from home some but I've also made some good friends up here too. Facebook has also been one of the things that gets me down the most b/c I have a tendancy to compare myself to other peoples' college experiences. If I'm not having a similar one then I feel pretty bad.</p>
<p>I know its illogical for me to think this way, the thing is it still bothers me. I used to read alot before I got to college but I really havent been able to do that here. Some weekends I would enjoy spending time with myself and relaxing getting a good nights sleep. I put so much pressure on myself, though, that I've lost the enjoyment in these things in college.</p>
<p>If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it.</p>
<p>I actually attend a counseling session every week. Don't get me wrong, there's alot of things I love about my experience so far. I'm doing really well academically, tennis is a blast, and I love working at the radio station. I just put alot of social pressure on myself -- I guess I just feel like there's so much pressure to do socially acceptable activities in college.</p>
<p>OB18 - You sound like the perfect candidate for some very unusual sort of outdoor activity. I chose distance cycling, motorbikes, and race cars -- you choose whatever interests you most. Horse riding, mountain climbing, unicycling, orienteering, kayaking, etc. Your personal drive and inner strength will be tremendous assets in such activities. And your interest (and ability) make you an automatic "in" with groups that do these unusual activities. Just a thought. </p>
<p>PS: Also, try to remember that you're still very young -- Your life as an adult has barely begun. Things will get better!</p>
<p>My son is in his third year of school. There are definitely friday and Saturday nights where he chooses to stay in, hangout on his computer, etc. I wouldn't worry about it...also don't forget that facebook always shows you the image of who someone would like to be...I have met very few people whose life actually is the way it appears on facebook.
I understand what you are saying but I just want to reassure you. You sound like a very self aware kid who is doing just fine.<br>
Don't put too much pressure on yourself.</p>
<h1>4 ^^^^ good advice! and also ebeeeee is right. There are lots of kids who prefer an evening in from time to time. No one has to live up to anyone else's expectations re. social life. Ease up on yourself and I bet even more friends will come into your life.</h1>
<p>I have dealt with anxiety before. One thing you might want to check out or talk with your therapist about is cognitive behavior techniques. I'll share one with you regarding your weekend anxiety.</p>
<p>Empty spaces of time can be anxiety provoking. Having pleasant ways to fill that time takes the anxiety way down. Make a list of things you would enjoy doing on your own on a Friday or Saturday night. It could be anything but make it something you like that you usually do not have time for. Perhaps a book you've been meaning to read for fun or a movie you missed in the theaters that you can get on DVD. Maybe it's just going to bed early because you feel beat. Or scheduling a long phone call with a friend you miss. When you feel the anxiety coming up, get out your list and look at it. Maybe even write in in the back of your planner so you can always get to it. </p>
<p>It's just one idea, but I've used a variation of it with good success. There are a lot of tools out there to help manage anxiety. Best of luck as you find the ones that work for you.</p>
<p>To me, you sound intelligent, interesting, friendly, and in tune with your feelings.</p>
<p>What's not to like? Don't try to improve on perfection!</p>
<p>Chillax!! You're doing just fine. So what if you have a Friday night free! You have friends.....you have a girlfriend!!.....you're a DJ (don't forget to invite one or two friends to the station during a show and have them help you pick out recor.....um....CDs).....you're on the tennis team. That's four more plusses than 95% of freshman after two months. Yes, THEY are jealous of YOU!</p>
<p>I know students who would LOVE to have your life. Just relax and go with the flow. Easier said than done, but trust me, the other 4,999 students at your school wish they were you.</p>
<p>I remember times like you describe. I think the above advice has good ideas. I also want to say that if you go to a movie by yourself, it is perfectly acceptable. Don't be afraid to do things like that. Or to check out another on campus activity that no one else seems to want to go to, if it appeals to you. You might meet someone appealing there. One summer when I was an intern in Washington, DC, I remember going to a double feature at the Biograph (sadly now closed), with Marilyn Monroe movies (I do like those.) At intermission, I ran into another friend who had the same idea, and we got together after the movie. I didn't even know she would have wanted to go, after all those marilyn movies were around 30 years old then.</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with unscheduled free time- sometimes it is nice to have no idea of what you'll be doing until you do it. Reading for fun is fine. Never worry about what you are "supposed" to be doing, down time is valuable for recharging yourself/decompressing- sleeping, accomplishing nothing, being alone... By now you have explored many activities and can say no sometimes without fearing you are missing out.</p>
<p>"I guess I just feel like there's so much pressure to do socially acceptable activities in college."
Pressure from who? It sounds like you are trying to "create" a different person from the one you truly are just because you are in college, and are not allowing yourself to do the things [ reading, spending time by yourself] that you used to do and enjoy, and as an somewhat introverted person, actually NEED to do in order to recharge. You can learn to be more social, but there is room at college for all types of people- the social butterflies as well as the more quiet, reserved types. Don't try to make yourself into another type of person in order to gain "acceptance". Do what makes you happy and calms you down, which will including spending time by yourself. And tell us what happened today.</p>
<p>Today was much better. I woke up feeling refreshed and through my day I tried to focus on doing just one thing at a time and not worrying about anything. I went to class, talked to my tennis coaches, did some studying in the library, and in a bit I'm going to get lunch with 2 friends. :) All these replies made me feel a lot better, thanks a bunch. Hopefully tonight goes well.</p>
<p>It will since you are listening to yourself and relaxing about things. Pay attention to the introvert/extrovert needs post (she said what I wanted to, but done much better). You do try out many versions of yourself in college but still need to pay attention to your core personality. You may enjoy reading "The Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney, likely available at a college library. It helped me understand my opposite son and why we so often clashed (my extrovert needs versus his introverted ones- wish the book had come out years before it did). BTW- 75% of the population is extroverted (and remember there are varying degrees) so you are in a normal minority. Also, 75% of the highly gifted are introverted (facts from published sources, and, sigh, that meant the college friends I could have the best intellectual exploring conversations with didn't want to do some of the other things I wanted to...).</p>
<p>Oddball, there was a post by another parent, Faline, on a different thread. I thought it ws wise and I thought of you immediately. I am just excerpting the parts that I think might speak to what you are experiencing. I hope it might be useful. The poster she responded to had a number of concerns about her current school, but social problems were part of it and she reported that "socially, [she was] not getting very far."
<p>that is a very core issue for someone your age in terms of happiness or perceived happiness compared to others. Look into that more. Perhaps you need to alter your expectations, and get involved in one or two good things to buffer this feeling until more time has passed and you start to realize that you could have long term friendships with people around you blossoming.
Please know that the people I thought were quiet, boring, too square the first months of college (I am a big talker/initiater because I was a military brat and basically had to figure out how to make friends fast) turned out to be the people standing up at my wedding and the honorary Aunts to my children. Some of the party central people turned out to be the real bores. The extroverts at college at first do run the show and can basically traumatize the students who are less certain where they fit in...but that is not the end of the story. There are many people who are going to show you their stuff over time. Give them a chance. Even people who seem shallow today could turn out to be the adults you truly admire in two years, so my advice to my sons is to not hold any grudges based on freshman year behavior of either the dominant kids or the more reserved kids...stay OPEN.
take uber good care of yourself and respect your right to these feelings. This is a passage you are going through...something good will come out of it...
<p>why do you feel the need to fit into the college student mold , do what you want, go to the gym , biking, do some home work at the local coffee shop, relax in your room. dont think you have to look like your having fun all the time in order to be a interesting person.</p>
<p>First of all, thank you jmmom for that quote it was particuarly applicable to my life I think. I had a wonderfull halloween night last night. I went out with a bunch of friends and wound up running into a lot of the people I'm friends with on campus tonight. Tonight I decided to take it easy, I just got back from eating at a cafe with a friend of mine, and I'm probably going to watch a movie or something in a bit. </p>
<p>I really think one of the most important things people can take from an experience like this is that idea of mindfullness and living in the moment without really worrying about what's going to come. For me I worried all day Thursday whether or not I was going to have a good halloween and every thing worked out very nicely. I'm glad I had a good time but I also hope that in the future I can step back and take things as they come.</p>
<p>College is also hard, initially, I think, because when you live alone in an environment where you literally know no one insecurities and things that had once been shoved to the back of your mind come to the forefront of you're thinking. It's very empowering to be able to stand up to these feelings, and I really hope that some good can come from everything I'm writing. If it's not helpful I apologize but it's helped me reflect on my experiences thus far writing all this down. </p>
<p>Hopefully I can go on having similar experiences throughout the year. Please let me know if there are any more questions I can answer or any more help I can provide!</p>
<p>I do think that many of us give import to certain days of the year - for some it is Friday/Saturday night. But even for those of us who might be beyond caring if we have a date or social activity each weekend, the "weight" of whether we have the right activity or family/social group for major holidays - Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, December holidays, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day.... still is heavy on our minds. These can be very stressful. So some of your feelings are just mirrored by all of us to differing degrees.</p>
<p>Count me among those who find that you are very insightful and thoughtful about what you are experiencing. That will likely serve you well.</p>